Sometime in late August,  I was new to the school, nervous in a fourth-grade classroom.  But I met another girl with dark brown hair & a glow-in-the-dark retainer.  Somewhere between birthday parties & a love of horses, we became fast friends.  There were limo rides through Christmas light shows & Spring Break vacations.

She joined my Girl Scout troop & a few years later, we earned our Silver Award by planning an overnight camping trip for a group of young girls, the ages that we were when we first met.  The night of the camp out, laying under the stars & cool air, I asked her if she had ever walked on air & we laughed until tears ran & our sides hurt.

Then we grabbed pompoms & cheered on opposing teams after practicing toe-touches in my garage & back handsprings in her backyard.

The day we left for college, she stopped by.  We started to different schools, different adventures.  We stayed in touch briefly over instant messenger, but classes & studying & parties distracted until it had been three years since I last saw her.  I missed her, but it would be a few years before Facebook where keeping touch is easy.

On a whim, I added her name to the guest list of my Bachelorette party.  She walked through the door & I held her tight.  The next day, I handed her resume to my boss.  Four years later, we switched places & she wore the white dress.

We worked side-by-side for five years.  I spent more time with her than my own husband; she became my sounding board & best friend, just as we were twenty years ago.

People ask how we will cope without seeing each other every day.  The truth is, I don’t know.

So as it stands right now, I’ve lost 7 lbs since I started logging in on My Fitness Pal.  My pants fit better, which is pretty nice on the days when I stay seated behind my computer for a solid 9 hours.

I cannot wait to finally pack away these jeans for good – jeans that I bought on the cheap after Harrison was born, not for flattery but just to have something to wear on the weekends.  I am so ready to be in the “pretty” jeans still folded in my dresser.  The one’s that actually make my ass look good.

I realized this weekend that where I used to judge overweight people…I now feel sympathy.  It dawned on me at a wedding this weekend as I watched a very attractive but very overweight girl go back for seconds at the buffet – seconds of bread & fried cordon blue.  I am ashamed to say that in the past, I would probably roll my eyes but now I understand that more than likely, this girl faces the mirror the same way I do.  More than likely, she knows it is unhealthy but there’s something inside her that cannot stop the impulse.  More than likely, she wishes she could buy bikinis & a smaller dress & envies her smaller friends that make it look so darn easy.

I understand that for some of us, it’s not as “easy” as just saying no to bread.  It’s not as easy as just “deciding” to be pretty & skinny.  That sometimes, even when you do EVERYTHING right & stay within calories, exercise, & drive past Bojangles, the scale still doesn’t move.  & thus starts a vicious cycle.  That sometimes it runs deeper into childhood examples & a self-critique that has run deep since the age of 10.  It runs past just putting on a little too much weight during pregnancy & into food struggles within a family.  (I think we all have issues in our life that may seem “easy” to fix on the outside, but in reality & when we are very honest, those things run deeper than we care to admit.)

You smell what I’m steppin’ in?

So if it’s not easy for you, I understand.  You will not find judgment for me, just a friendly smile & a heart that hopes you one day find the motivation behind getting seconds at the buffet line.

From a lot of talks with my husband this past week, we have decided to tackle my our health as a family.  That although he has a lot of shining qualities, Nate is pretty piss-poor at nutrition decisions & therefore has zero say in dinner anymore.  That when I put out chicken for him to grill & I’m roasting vegetables, I do not need him to suggest pizza.   That if he makes cookies & I leave the room to go crawl in bed to read a book, it’s not that I’m rejecting him – it’s just that I really, really like sweets.  I don’t have a weird relationship that makes me down 24 cookies in one night, but I am better off just saying “no” rather than having one & trying to walk away.  Because while I may not eat the entire package, I will probably eat a few that will add up to a few hundred unnecessary calories.

One “trick” that I have started using this week – my personal favorite, which is writing my current goal weight on the inside of my left wrist as a constant reminder.  I saw this on Biggest Loser (a guilty-pleasure show of mine for years as I am kind of in love with Bob).  Each week, the contestent wrote a new short-term goal weight his arm to serve as motivation. When I get that urge for a mid-afternoon Coke, it serves as a reminder of what I’m working for & how close I am.

So.  Now that I have emotionally vomited ALL OVER YOUR SCREEN, I ask this of you – when you begin to judge someone’s struggle, try to remember something that you battle that may seem so “easy” to another.

How are y’all doing this week?  Any successes you would like to brag about?  Any frustrations you’d like to scream out to the universe?  Have at it, friends.

Remember how I said I don’t do New Years Resolutions?  Yeah, I still don’t do them.  McFatty Monday isn’t a resolution – it’s a lifestyle change.  & so I’ve been thinking about other ways to change my life for the better now that I’m on this I-FEEL-AWESOME kick of life.

It all started with throw pillows.  I was entirely satisfied with my house & living room until I noticed that having a toddler has wreaked havoc on my silk throw pillows.  I mean, really, who would have thought that silk linens wouldn’t withstand apple juice & smeared Goldfish?  Products these days, sheesh.  I’m looking at my pillows & realizing that they need some new covers & then I glance around & realize that our bookcases are overflowing & I’m out of storage options.  & I’m all, “NATE, WE HAVE TO MOVE.  1600 square feet is NOT ENOUGH.”

& the moment I say that, I realize how utterly foolish it is.  We’re a family of three & one of us is only 32 inches tall.  We should be able to comfortably fit in half that size.

Our life?  It’s overflowing.  & not in the emotional vomit that is all puppies-&-rainbows.  I’m talking about STUFF.  Books we don’t read.  Clothes we don’t wear.  Glasses we don’t drink out of & toys that are somehow already missing pieces & parts.  So I grabbed some cardboard boxes & immediately went to work.

I packed up three boxes worth of books & drove them to the used book store for a store credit exchange.   I took a clock that hasn’t worked in 3 years off the wall & put it in a Goodwill box.  I stood on a chair & sifted through all of our drinking glasses & mugs.  Cookware.  Bakeware.  That clunky collinder that gets in the way?  GONE.  The three coats from college that are still hanging in the coat closet?  Church donation.   By the end of my rampage, not only did I have at least four boxes of stuff, but I also discovered that I have a garlic press!  Will wonders never cease?

& then I rolled up my sleeves & tackled the loft area.  I cleaned out my desk, organized Harrison’s toys.  Donation, trash, keep.  I did the same in Harrison’s room & then turned the madness to the Master Bedroom, where we ended up with five bags of clothes for the clothes closet.

I should be humiliated that I could give away five tall garbage bags of clothes & STILL have a full closet.  I guess I’m not properly chagrined yet because I know there is more to weed out.  (like that size 8 black dress that I will probably definitely more than likely never fit into again)

I can’t remember where I heard this gem, but I remember flipping through a blog & reading…

the key to organization is editing.

Hello, truth.  Nice to meet you in this dark alley.  Please don’t beat me up.

& thus is my goal for 2011.  To simplify.  Edit.  & by default, organize.

I’ve done my initial “sweep” of the house for the glaringly obvious, but my plan is to take the house room by room, editing & cleaning until the house feels more in order.

Granted, this still doesn’t solve the problem of needing new pillow covers.

I’m going to pick myself up, not dwell on yesterday, make a cup of tea, & tackle this rainy day by cleaning the house & making a grocery list.

over & out.

As y’all know, I’ve hit a wall.  Not only was I not losing weight, but I was SICK of talking about losing weight.  Sick of thinking about it, wondering what I would write on Monday, & 2.5 seconds away from chucking my scale out the bathroom window.

I was just TIRED.  After 10 months of weight loss, I was tired.  & I think I’ve earned that right.

So I ditched it all.  & realized that I was much happier just taking a break for a bit.  Not obsessing over everything that I put in my mouth & the impact it might have on the scale come Monday morning.  I started chugging water like I was pregnant again – easily 100 oz per day.  (I’m thinking about putting my name on a star & taping it to the far right stall in the office bathroom.) I ate Captain Crunch for breakfast with a cup of coffee that held creamer.  I made a grocery list for meals I will actually cook (woot! that means more on Best Bites!).  I pulled out the 30 Day Shred again & walked over 3 miles on Saturday for the RMH of Durham.  I took Nate lunch one day, & even had a cheeseburger myself.

& I didn’t gain.  I even lost a few ounces.  But more important?  I felt worry-free all week.  Food was nothing to me.  It didn’t cross my mind, except when I was hungry.  I ate what I wanted, didn’t eat if I wasn’t hungry.  I didn’t count calories, I didn’t say “no” if I wanted something.  & I found that I was so much more at peace.  Take that lunch I took to Nate – I swung through CookOut for him & snagged a CookOut tray with a regular burger, fries, & hushpuppies.  In the past, I would have said, “eh, if I’m going to eff it up, I might as well go big or go home, right?”  So then I’d order my own CookOut tray.  This time, I wasn’t screwing up any diet.  There was no mentality of screwing myself over.  So I ordered a small cheeseburger & shared some of Nate’s fries.  & probably saved myself 1,000 calories, all because I didn’t feel guilty about what I was eating.

Maybe that means I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  But it’s the one I’ve got & it’s the mindset I have to work with.  I’m coming to grips with that.

& this week, I’m learning that the guilt I carried around about weight & McFatty Monday was far more unhealthy than my BMI.  Worrying about what the scale would say.  Worrying that I was “blowing” my chances at weight loss by eating a bagel at a baby shower.  Feeling guilty over a glass of wine at the end of the day.  This week, I shrugged all of that off & I feel better, both inside & out.

What do you do with the “guilt” that comes with losing weight?  How do you handle it?  Or are you a super special snowflake that never feels any guilt towards food & weight?

This week, I am participating in another walk for charity on Saturday, plus working hard to control portions on the foods that I make.

With that being said, what do you eat for lunch?  What does a typical day look like?  (don’t be embaressed if it’s Wendy’s & McDonalds.  Seriously.)  Just don’t say Lean Cuisine, please.