Stupid People | Heir to Blair

Don’t worry, it’s not all sad-sad-unemployed-sad-sad-dramz around here.

24 Jan posted by heirtoblair

So today, I hit up the dentist because HELLO, insurance runs out in one week & I’m making all the popular pit stops. Dentist, eye doctor, birth control, & of course, the psychiatrist who desperately needs me to bitch on her couch for an hour. I dropped Harrison off with his auntie for two hours while I got my teeth scrubbed (he had been asking for her & considering she was a daily fixture in his life for two years, he needs some Auntie time). Then we hit up the craft store because a) it’s time to get my Pinterest on & b) The Momma’s birthday is coming up & I’m on a budget.

Let me just say that I can stand in a board room or jet across the country, but I turn into a complete wuss once I step through Michaels. All those women with glue stick burns on their fingers, willing to cut a bitch over the last vial of Martha Stewart glitter? THEY TERRIFY ME. Same thing with fabric stores. Also, the strangest thing happens that once I hit the first aisle, I completely forget what I was there for. Confidence takes a crash & burn so I stand there in the aisles, completely overwhelmed by the choices in felt.

In short:
Before Michaels: BIG SPARKLY INSPIRATIONAL UNICORNS OF HAPPINESS!

After Michaels: I WILL NEVER ACHIEVE ANYTHING GOOD IN MY LIFE.

yeah.

I’m standing in line with Harry in the push cart & a matronly lady turns to me.

“Is your mother’s name Karen?” she asks.

“No,” I say politely.

“You look like my friend Karen, so I figured you must be her daughter,” she explains. I shrug. Raleigh is a pretty decent-sized city.

“With two children, I figured you had to be her,” she persists.

Is this lady drunk? I only have one child in the seat & I’m pretty sure the firstborn’s that were traded for Christmas Cricuts weren’t eligible for the 40% off coupon. Like I said, I’m on a budget so if it’s not on sale, it’s not in my cart.

“You know,” she says. ”With your boy & the one on the way.”

oh.

shit.

Awkward silence abounds.

Does this lady not know Rules of Feminism #253: Don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless the fetus is 75% down the birth canal with a hand waving?

HeirtoBlair500x150 v41 Dont worry, its not all sad sad unemployed sad sad dramz around here.

53 Comments
Filed Under: All about BA, BA is effing crazy, FAIL, Fatass, Life in General, Sorta Staying Home, Stupid People, Suzie Homemaker

I got angry & ranty.

10 Jan posted by heirtoblair

Which apparently is good for writer’s block.

Also, I don’t know if bile actually “chunks,” but I was typing furiously.

Dear Silver Fox,

For so many years, I swooned over you, applauded you, admired your journalism, & calculated the many ways to seduce you. You are a smart hunk of fine man-meat. But I think I’m going to end this relationship and trust me, it’s you. Not me.

Listen, this horrible battle between stay-at-home mothers and working mothers is just old and pathetic and so message-boards-circa-2009. Nobody wins that war — we all just end up with cat scratches and hurt feelings to lick. Then you had to sensationalize it by adding the title, “Are Stay-At-Home Moms Lazy?” and I swear, chunks of bile rose in my throat…

17 Comments
Filed Under: Babbling on Babble, FAIL, Open Letters, Stupid People, Toddler Times, Unpopular opinions

Either way, it hatched & has feathers.

5 Nov posted by heirtoblair

Working with the senior community does have it’s perks.

Like at Christmas, when a funeral home sent our marketing team a basket of treats with a bottle of wine & a note that scrawled “Thanks for all you do!”

Four years later, we still haven’t stopped wondering whether people run funeral homes because they’re socially awkward or if they’re socially awkward because they run a funeral home.

It’s all very chicken & egg, you see.

25 Comments
Filed Under: nablopomo, Potential for Doocing, Random, Stupid People, That's What She Said

This is your first lesson in how to be a North Carolinian.

27 Aug posted by heirtoblair

How to deal with natural disasters & weather.

1) Stay glued to your local weather on the 8′s. DO NOT MOVE UNTIL YOU SEE THE LOCAL WEATHER ON THE 8′s, EVEN IF YOUR PASTA IS BOILING OVER ON THE STOVE & YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN. Because a hurricane/blizzard/tornado be coming, y’all.

2) Stick your head as far up your ass as possible until you’re kissing your teeth, then get behind the wheel of your car & head to the grocery store.

3) BREAD & MILK ARE THE NECTAR OF LIFE. oh, you waited until 9am to get to the store 3 days before the disaster? You’re fucked. No bread for you. Go grab some eggs.

4) If you are a lunatic conservative, freak the hell out on Facebook & Twitter, claiming that you knew New York would pay for their sins because HELLO, God sends an earthquake & then a hurricane?

5) Barricade yourself in your home.
a) People of Group 1 see this as an generous reason to not clean their house & wallow in their filth for a few days without changing out of pajamas.
b) People of Group 2 scrub the house from top to bottom as a welcome present to the disaster, then serve a four-course dinner in pearls. Gotta keep up appearances for guests, y’all.

d8dfd57f16c14f64b8fd30f4940fd900 7 300x300 This is your first lesson in how to be a North Carolinian. Outcome #1) Pat yourself on the back, safe inside your house hugging your bread & milk as two inches of rain or snow fall, knowing the city will probably stay shut down another 48 hours.

Outcome #2) Hard core weather actually happens. The power goes out, so the milk & eggs you purchased are totally effed. You stocked up on Netflix instead of D batteries, so you pull out the aged whisky & hop in bed the moment it gets dark. Hospitals rub their hands eagerly at the influx of Labor & Delivery income predicted nine months from now.

21 Comments
Filed Under: BA is effing crazy, BA's a nerd, FAIL, Random, Stupid People