Baby Fever.

Two years ago, my ovaries practically leaped out of my body & attacked me every time I saw a child under the age of one.  I researched cribs & strollers with never-ending zest.  I craved babies to the point that I was afraid I’d start licking them in public elevators.

About two months ago, I convinced myself that I was pregnant.  That somehow, I was the 1% who’s birth control failed on top of the condom having a microscopic hole in it.  Because that would be my luck.  & it terrified me.

-I worried about a relapse into depression, of course.

-I got super-pissed that I was starting off another pregnancy with the scale not being my friend.

-Especially when I had just picked up a new fitness hobby because gahhhhhhhhhhh wouldn’t that just figure that I’d get in shape & BAM! get pregnant?

-I fretted over finances.  NO WAY could we afford two in childcare.  NO WAY can we afford me to stay home.

-I physically cringed when I thought back to waking every two hours to wails & fussy dirty diapers.

Mostly, I felt heartbroken over Harrison.  He just got his Momma back in full.  How could I strip him of me yet again?  He lost so much of the first year & my whole existence is currently wrapped around learning him.  How could I tear that with a pregnancy & new baby?  He deserves me & all of me for at least a little precious time in his life.

Not that I don’t remember how sweet the top of his head smelled.  Or what it felt like to wrap that hot bundle in the Moby.  & I completely remember those mornings when the sunlight streamed in over the soft sounds of his lamb swing.

oh my, how I do remember.

But I also remember the tears.  The insistent crying.  The sleepless days & nights.  The soreness every time I sat down.  The constant dribble of formula down my shoulder.

& it fills me with dread.

& so for the first time in my life I took a pregnancy test & spent the entire 3-5 minutes praying a second blue line would not show up.  I chewed my fingernails down to the quicks.  I paced the tile.  I felt like throwing up, but I didn’t want to give my body any ideas about pregnancy & morning sickness.  I imagined seeing a second line appear & it felt like a lid on my coffin.

& that’s not the way I want any pregnancy of mine to feel.  Quite simply put, I am not ready for another.

I’m thrilled to be an auntie to the triplets & Cora & Lala’s new babe.  I have a stack of diapers & boy clothes to drop off at Lindsey’s house in excitement for her soon-to-be-here son.  Every time one of my blogging friends posts a picture of a positive test, my heart leaps for joy.  For them.  & partly with the grace & understanding that it’s not me.

Nate & I both breathed a deep sigh of relief at the negative test.

I’m content with that.

Because sometimes when Harry is overwhelmed by Christmas & he burries his puppy-dog clad nose into my shoulder, it feels like I still have a baby.

Today is a sweet feeling because I remember EXACTLY how it felt to watch that second line appear for the first time in my life. To look over at Nate with the biggest smiles on our faces and say, “OH MY GOD, we made a baby.” & nothing will ever take that joy away.

As a side note, I have “officially” been pregnant all but 6 weeks of an entire year.

No magical camera-editing tricks for this one, folks.  Looks like I am, indeed, growing a spawn again.  HALLE-EFFING-LUJAH!  Nate pouted, wishing that the line was darker.  I reminded him that I am only 11dpo & that this was the first day with Harpie that we ever got any kind of faint line.

The most faint BFP in the history of the universe. Seriously, we were tilting the test every way possible, SWEARING we saw something but wondering if it was just that we knew what to look for. So I took a picture, blew it up, darkened it…and the line was there, but faint. (I doubt you can see it on your screen unless you have the blinding rays of a huge iMac)

We counted it as a negative, though. Because you shouldn’t have to do circus tricks with a pee stick to see the line.

This morning, I woke up to a lower temp. & vomiting. At the same time. & I think my stockmarket chart goes down in the books as the weirdest & ugliest BFP chart EVAH:

I padded into the bathroom at 6:20 am, peed sans glasses or contacts — miraculously, did not pee on my hand. Put the pee stick on the bedside table, & curled up in bed with Nate again, just like I did when I tested for Harpie. & just like Harpie, the line slowly showed up:

Faint, but perfectly wonderful We are over the moon excited. Truly, I have no words to convey the utter & absolute JOY that I feel today. Nate is so, so, so excited — his reaction & thrill is so precious to me. He is already so much more animated about Harpie Jr. than he ever was about Harpie.

So here we are again — pregnant, joyful, & deep in prayer. Remember, if you know me in real life, keep your dirty trap shut We will tell our parents next week after we are sure it is not a chemical pregnancy (which is a huge fear of mine right now), but won’t be breaking the news publically at least until after the first ultrasound.

Harpie Jr, I love you so much already.

STICK, baby, STICK!!!!

Proof is in the pudding, or at least the pee:

11 dpo test. I actually thought I saw a little something on my 9dpo test, but Nate convinced me that I was a psycho nut-job 2 brain cells short of needing rehab.

But then my temp stayed up and at 11 dpo, Nate convinced me to pee since it was “just a dollar.”

That’s one hell of a BFP chart, no?

I do apologize, readers. I have tons of details & tons of things to write, but need to go for now. To tide you over, here is some blogging I did regarding Little Harpie this past week. New Letter to Harpie will be posted tonight.

Feel free to take notes.

BFN this morning.

I know, it’s only CD 11. It’s not over until the Red Lady sings, but I still couldn’t help but feel a wee bit dissapointed, especially since I am already spotting this morning. Which is weird. I know every cycle is different, but this spotting thing is truly a new concept to my body.

My temp did jump up 0.02, so at least it’s not falling. It gives me hope. Yet I still cramp, now I spot, & so my confidence in this cycle has waned considerably.

::eyes chart warily:: On the other hand, I do have this theory that if I am pg, implantation occurred yesterday at 10 dpo. It’s possible, and it would explain the spotting, the temp dip, and the BFN today. Or I could just stop being an over-analytical douche & take the BFN at face-value. Especially considering it’s our first cycle TTC.

Cycle #1 Douche Award of the Year goes to Blair.