Digging to the root of it all.

When it comes to fight or flight, I usually like flight.  Namely the kind of flight where I crawl under covers & eat cake & disappear from the world.

I don’t like to “deal.”  Or face uncomfortable truths.  I like to control & when I cannot hold power?  I crumble with the hope of being rescued.

“What’s wrong with me?” I cried in therapy. “Why do certain things paralyze me yet leave others unfazed?”

This is the very core of my mental health, my heart-gut, my battle with postpartum depression.  The overwhelming urge to control, coupled with immature coping skills.  “So basically,” I closed my eyes & laughed sarcastically.  “You’re telling me that I’m a control freak with a horrible personality.”

She laughed. Yes.  “But no, not really,” she explains.  “I think you just feel things strongly.  You react strongly.”

It’s an exhausting way to live.

“My husband calls me ‘tenacious’ when he is being kind,” I said with a wry twist to the corner of my mouth.

“Exactly,” she smiled.

HeirtoBlair500x150 v41 Digging to the root of it all.

Stigma. Supermom. Shame. Struggle. Shattered. (You are worth more.)

From the National Institute of Mental Health:

  • One in four women will experience severe depression at some point in life.
  • Depression affects twice as many women as men, regardless of racial and ethnic background or income.
  • Depression is the number one cause of disability in women.

Only one fifth of women who suffer from depression seek treatment.  One fifth of one in four, which means that in a room of sixty women, fifteen suffer depression but only three are getting help.

shatteredglass 300x199 Stigma.  Supermom.  Shame.  Struggle.  Shattered.  (You are worth more.)Translation?  Women are suffering, hurting, bruised to the core…& not seeking help.

What is it about us as women that makes us vulnerable to depression, & then paralyzed to receive help?

Through our determination to be seen as strong, rather than the weaker sex, do we not recognize the symptoms?  Do we push aside the exhaustion & irritability as “being a woman,” not understanding that they are signs of imbalance, just as much as tears?  Or maybe that guttural instinct to “buck up” as a mother & push through, despite the nagging anxieties & cloying despair.

In the era of the supermom, we feel pressure to be an odd mixture of a June Cleaver housewife & a Martha Stewart business mogul — are we afraid to verbalize that we cannot do it all?  Is there shame in that feeling that maybe, somehow, someway, we failed womanhood?

Or the shame that buries deep in our soul when the depression pulls us away from children & spouses & the focus of our life, but we fight a losing battle against it & we are too afraid to say, “I am sorry, but my heart is not here.”  We are told that women should not feel this way.

Or perhaps the shame of the neighbor’s wagging tongue that has already weighed the label on our sweater, the car in our driveway, the organic qualities of our dinner, & the manners of our children.  Dare we expose one more Achilles Heel to the harshest judges?

Is it the rising cost of healthcare in this downtrodden economy where some of us struggle to keep shoes on small feet & food in mouths?  Perhaps it is a failure of the medical field to screen properly & then offer options.  Or even the lack of options (did you know there is only ONE inpatient postpartum mood disorder clinic in the country?!).  Is it because it is one more task on our growing lists, where small children cannot tag along?

No matter the cause, I boldly say this —   Women, you are worth it.

If you are hurting & suffering & scared, please know that you deserve to feel better.  It is not weakness that asks for help – instead, there is courage in the acceptance.

photo credit

StrollerThon 2.0

Today was the Postpartum Education & Support, Inc. StrollerThon, raising money for awareness & celebrating victories.  Last year, my doctor wrapped her arms around me & I choked with love for my little boy & my life.

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This year, I met my friends in the brisk fall air with excitement & happiness.  We laughed & sipped coffee while we waited for the walk to begin, while very sweet husbands pumped stroller tires for those of us that oops! had flats.  (okay, I was the only one)

Amy & I set out with our matching Bumbleride strollers, chatting about selling homes & the exhaustion of motherhood.   I’ve known Amy for almost ten years now, back when boys & booze were our topics.  Funny how things change.

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Harry & Charlotte were antsy after the walk, so we unleashed them on the playground.

(side note:  a girl looked over & said, “Are you Beth Anne?” & then she said my maiden name & I almost fell over, but she was a girl I knew in middle school.  That’s over 15 years ago & there we were, standing on a playground with our kids.  It’s nuts living in your hometown, even if your hometown is one of the biggest cities in the state.)

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& then…Harrison was done.

When the kid is done, he is done.

So I took him home, tucked him in bed for a nap & began editing pictures.  It had been a fantastic morning of friendship & motherhood & happiness.  I looked to my right at the bottom desk drawer & the notebooks it held.  Notebooks from last year, journals from the beginnings & the lows & the hospital.  Without a hesitation of doubt, I gathered them up & walked them to the trash cans outside.  I do not want those words anymore, or those feelings.  Those notebooks, full of angry words & sketches made when I was hurting — I feel no urge to keep them.

I want to be like Harrison & be done.

& simply be thankful for the journey they gave me.

Broken mess.

The water falls warm & I wonder if I am broken.

I sit down on the tiles, leaning back against the cold sides, but I’m staring at the belly, so stretched & soft from child-bearing.  The child-bearing that led me to this place so many times, both physcially & emotionally, for the past three years.  I close my eyes against it’s constant reminder of miracles & pain & the sacrificial love of motherhood.  I sit up cross-legged & spread my hands through the running water, tracing the rivers they make with my palms & I wonder if I will ever leave the floor.

The floor where I cried over my lost baby.  Where I ripped out my heart over the baby I birthed.  Blood & tears, both escaping me.  Where I escape & pray to find answers to the part of my brain that does not seem to click the way it should, the part that wraps silently around my entire life until I back into a corner & let the water fall, warm & steady.  I am a constant mess; ripped & broken & pieced back together so many times that I wonder if my flaws show to the outside world.

I wonder how I feel both renewed & trapped behind the white curtain, relaxing to the rhythmic fall of the water while I place my head in my hands, raggedly running fingers through my hair as I fight for hope, for relief, for feeling that it will all be okay.

A soft knock on the door, a patter of small feet wrapped in cotton as the boy flings back the curtain with a joy & exuberance I wish for in myself.  Relief floods my heart, hope reaches up to my eyes.  His impish smile stretches past his cheeks into my heart & I nod over his blonde head to my husband that yes,  I am okay.

____________________

p.s. i wrote this two weeks ago. i’m doing better now.

The best part.

holdingontomomma 682x1024 The best part.There’s something about the ocean that heals me.  Last year, it was a week at the beach that helped me realize that Harrison loved me, wanted me, & chose me.

Late Sunday morning, I scooped Harrison up & waded knee-deep into the water.  After hours of playing in the sand & dodging waves, my tired boy laid his head on my shoulder, arms draped but hands firmly grasping my shoulders.  The water glittered crystal blue & the waves came – some rocking gently, some causing me to regain footing in the sand.  Much like life & this past year.

I stood there in the quiet with my son, feeling the burden lift.  The guilt I felt over missing so much of his first year, not wondering if he would ever forgive me, but wondering if I could ever forgive myself.

Somewhere in that sunshine & salty air, the forgiveness came.  Warmly, slowly, seeping upwards until I felt everything melt away.

I stared out into the water & came to the realization that it was just a season in my life.  Just a moment in the bigger picture, much like the wave that just made me side-step to the right to keep balance.  An entire ocean out there of hope & life, but to let go of that wave so I could be ready for the next.

Stealing is for losers. Copyright 2008-2012 Beth Anne Ballance