Outsourcing Parenting Skills

When life feeds fear & the spillover runs bone dry.

9 Jan posted by heirtoblair

I’m really busy these days.

It hits me when I lay down at night & my hips ache so badly & I wonder why I’m so tired. I’m busy.

& I feel like I’m losing out on life.

Dramatic much? But I spend 9 hours a day behind a computer, trying to make sense of my project manager & the boss man’s travel schedule. I spend 2-3 hours per day in my car, trapped in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I get home & throw on dinner, try to soak up time with Harrison, but the moment he is in pajamas I am back the the grind of taking out trash, picking up toys, & making the house presentable just in case they schedule a showing. Just in case.

My one outlet, writing & sharing my thoughts & capturing them on film (albeit roughly), feels bone dry & I can’t help but fear if my lack of inspiration comes from lack of living. My friend Nish often describes her blog as the spill-over of life & I’ve always felt the same – my blog holds all of the emotions & thought processes that I cannot keep to myself. But these days, I feel like I’m on autopilot.

We race out the door every morning; my hair is flying & 75% of the time I have forgotten makeup, so I have yet to capture my attempt at growing my style.

The sun is down when I get home, so every night is a game of chase through the living room or vrooming cars around my ankles while I cook.

We did not take a winter long weekend to the mountains this year due to finances.

I see my friends grow & inspire & be viral & I shake my head at the emptiness of my own journal notes. I’m being left behind.

I have no idea what’s happening with Zooey Dash-a-whatever or the other Kar-dash-a-whatever’s because I don’t have cable. I have now been demoted to Former Pop Culture Princess.

I order clothes & Christmas presents & hell, even groceries online.

Some mothers ache for more interaction & more rigid schedule, but I long for days of a lazier pace & more sunshine with my tiny guy.

I just don’t know how to find it quite yet.

HeirtoBlair500x150 v41 When life feeds fear & the spillover runs bone dry.

54 Comments
Filed Under: Adult Club, All about BA, BA is effing crazy, Fears, Finding Balance, Life in General, Mo money mo problems, Outsourcing Parenting Skills, Oversharing Extraordinaire, Potential for Doocing, Things that aren't perfect despite my best efforts, Unpopular opinions

Chicka-chicka-boom-boom, how will you meet your doom-doom?

20 Nov posted by heirtoblair

IMG 0230 1024x682 Chicka chicka boom boom, how will you meet your doom doom?

I’m usually against burning books, but if someone could sneak into Harry’s room & torch this one, I’d be much obliged.

I’d probably even make you cookies.

See, I can’t hide it or give it away without an insane amount of guilt. So I’m going to need someone else to blame Chicka’s doom upon.

30 Comments
Filed Under: BA is effing crazy, Harry in General, My kid hates me, Never Have I Ever, Outsourcing Parenting Skills, Toddlers eat your brains, Unpopular opinions

These are my confessions.

2 Jun posted by heirtoblair

A little over six months ago, I made a startling confession.

I like being a mom.

When I wrote it, I was all “Blair, you can’t write this. There’s almost a year of ramblings that point otherwise.” But I wrote it & it felt good & I compared the emotion to a warm Snuggie. & I’ve got another confession.

I like being a work-outside-of-da-home mom.

After a solid year of relunctantly dragging my ass to work & fuming that I was missing Yogurt Mountain playdates with my besties & their kiddos, I have come to the realization that my career life is pretty swell. I’m pretty good at it. & I like it.

It comes when I start thinking & discussing career growth & opportunities. I get that adrenaline slug that I used to get every day when I walked through the business school doors. I start thinking about learning & kicking ass & I get all tingly inside. I always knew I wanted to be in business. I always knew I’d be a working mom. It’s about damn time those two reconciled.

It’s there when I close a sale & know that I just put money in our pockets & even more money in my employer’s pockets. (far, far more money)

I owe a lot of it to some pretty amazeballs friends of mine that prove you can still be an amazing mom with an eight-to-five. You just make up for it on Saturday mornings with playdates in the park. The strength in numbers that comes from my growing posse of working mommas gives me confidence to face the world with a “Yeah, what of it?” when people ask if I work.

& my stay-at-home-momma friends who have never once given me judgment or flack. Once I pulled my head out of my ass, we started making dinner dates at Chick-fil-a & they make sure I’m invited to events, just in case I might be off work. (it’s a true story that I do not deserve my friends)

It has it’s challenges, of course, & if you’re interested in hearing me bitch about getting my house clean & finding time to work out or worrying that my kid will need therapy, the blog archives are calling your name.

But when I think about staying home…it just doesn’t feel so completely “right” for me anymore. Harrison is happy & loved during the day by his auntie. I am growing comfortable with my time limits. I’m setting career goals. We have a routine down that suites our personalities & lifestyle. I wouldn’t miss the commute, of course, but I would miss the meetings & weird typing sounds in the still of the office. When I get frustrated & have the moments that we all do in the office where I want to throw up my hands & walk out? I can admit that I’d probably be job hunting within 48 hours.

& of course, working outside of the home means I have legit reason to order groceries online that nobody can argue. I really hate grocery shopping.

It’s not to brag. It’s to simply say that I’ve made peace & even gone a step further passed general acceptance of my fate into really grabbing it by the balls & making it my own.

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Filed Under: Adult Club, I have real-life friends, I wish parenting came with a manual, Mo money mo problems, Outsourcing Parenting Skills, Potential for Doocing, Things I didn't understand until I birthed a child, Unpopular opinions

It’s like mowing the neighbor’s grass – it’s greener! it’s fun! it’s different! it has rewards! but at the end of the day, it’s not mine.

26 Apr posted by heirtoblair

I stayed home sick today. I have been quickly reaching a breaking point, wondering how I can keep going. (we all have those moments, right?) I like to think that the Powers That Be knew I needed a break & wouldn’t take one until forced, which is why I spent four hours in the wee morning making friends with the toilet in the guest bathroom. (you know the kind where you barter with God that you’ll never, ever, EVER utter another cuss word in your entire life if He’ll make the stomach pain go away? yeah, that.)

This morning has been complete with trucks being vroomed over my legs. Feeling him nuzzle my shoulder as we watch Veggie Tales. Laughing over the pun of “America’s Got British Judges” & realizing that’s better than any forced office humor. Making peanut butter & jelly sandwiches & sippies of milk. Pretending to be a monkey as I lay on the couch, bringing out belly laughs from a little boy. Doing the math of hours since the last dose of Motrin to help with a cutting molar. Sitting in the grass & blew bubbles as he showed off his sliding skills on his playground. He is breathing steadily in his crib now as I settle down into a blanket with a cup of tea & a book.

It makes my heart ache to return tomorrow. Watching him laugh & play & explore warms my heart as it does every other mother on the planet. I know this can’t be forever. I know that even if I stayed home, the feelings of today won’t last forever. The grass is only greener because it’s not the one I stare at day in & day out, finding flaws. & I know that I’m a good working momma – I do well in the office, I do well at home, & we have found a routine that makes our little family happy.

But I miss my little boy during the day. I enjoy watching him play in the sunshine & being in our home brings me peace. Today is one of the most healing days for my soul, despite a tantrum at the street corner when he didn’t want to turn back or the dog scratching at the back door or the pile of dishes in the sink.

I think it’s okay for me to say that.

47 Comments
Filed Under: All about BA, Outsourcing Parenting Skills, Potential for Doocing

It’s more than just a paycheck. But the cash money is nice.

7 Mar posted by heirtoblair

Today I’m guest posting over at Just Another Manic Momday & talking about why being a working momma has its perks. Join me, please?

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BAworking 300x225 Its more than just a paycheck. But the cash money is nice. When my son was 13 weeks old, I slipped back into a black pencil skirt & three-inch stilettos to take my place in the corporate world once more. Every day for the next year, I tearfully kissed my little boy goodbye & bitterly plowed through paperwork & client calls. I hated being a working mother. I was wracked with jealousy over my stay-at-home-mom friends when they held play dates & lunches. I struggled with finding balance between work, marriage, motherhood, home, & myself. News articles hounded home that the children of working mothers were fatter, sicker, & worse off than children of mothers who stayed home. & it didn’t matter if Charlie Sheen himself wrote the study, I believed that I was failing my child by working.

Slowly, that cloud of despair has lifted as my postpartum depression healed & my little family settled into a comfortable routine. I met a few fellow working momma friends that helped me feel less alone as we shared tips for managing it all. & you know what? I realized that it doesn’t suck. Sure, being a working momma is HARD. You’re “on” 24/7, not only meeting the demands of a family & toddler tyrant, but also the demands of clients, bosses, products, & everything in between. But it definitely has its perks.