Open Letters | Heir to Blair

I got angry & ranty.

10 Jan posted by heirtoblair

Which apparently is good for writer’s block.

Also, I don’t know if bile actually “chunks,” but I was typing furiously.

Dear Silver Fox,

For so many years, I swooned over you, applauded you, admired your journalism, & calculated the many ways to seduce you. You are a smart hunk of fine man-meat. But I think I’m going to end this relationship and trust me, it’s you. Not me.

Listen, this horrible battle between stay-at-home mothers and working mothers is just old and pathetic and so message-boards-circa-2009. Nobody wins that war — we all just end up with cat scratches and hurt feelings to lick. Then you had to sensationalize it by adding the title, “Are Stay-At-Home Moms Lazy?” and I swear, chunks of bile rose in my throat…

HeirtoBlair500x150 v41 I got angry & ranty.

17 Comments
Filed Under: Babbling on Babble, FAIL, Open Letters, Stupid People, Toddler Times, Unpopular opinions

Eat your heart out.

22 Sep posted by heirtoblair

cachow Eat your heart out.

Dear ovaries worldwide,
BOOM.

love,
Harrison

40 Comments
Filed Under: Harry in General, Open Letters, Perfection

Be a safe haven.

5 Jul posted by heirtoblair

Without a doubt, you have heard the breaking news rocking America & possibly beyond – Casey Anthony, acquitted of murdering her little girl.

We could sit & argue for hours over whether or not Casey murdered her little girl. We could rip apart her life & choices & the jury & defending attorneys, wondering how they all sleep at night. If you follow me on Twitter, you’re aware of my personal opinion of the verdict, complete with my middle finger raised in the air.

What breaks my heart is not the lack of perceived ”justice,” but the little girl who lost her life. The stories of chloroform & partying & imaginary nannies. The little girl who’s momma did not report her missing for an entire month. Casey Anthony, where the fuck were you?

This is a crazy, insane world we live in & we are charged as safe havens to the children we bring into this world. Casey Anthony, it was YOUR JOB to protect that little girl, to be her stronghold against abuse. It was YOUR JOB to hold that little girl’s heart & faith. The child that I birthed into this world with pain & suffering, not so much younger than Caylee at the time of her murder - may I do everything in my power to protect him. May my little boy view me as someone who knows the answers, who catches him with sure arms when he takes his first leap into the pool, who rocks him to sleep after a hard day. May he always find comfort in both my arms & heart, knowing that with every fiber in my body, my purpose is to protect him.

I know there will come a day when Harrison grows apart & takes on the world by himself. I hope that with enough love & lessons from his parents, he will be brave & strong. But not today, when he is so little that his legs still curl up in my lap, his button nose burried into my shoulder. Today, I will rock my little boy, holding him close. Reminding him that in this storm of life, Momma is his safe haven.

51 Comments
Filed Under: Fears, I wish parenting came with a manual, Open Letters, Stupid People, Things I didn't understand until I birthed a child, Unpopular opinions

A letter to my new lovah.

3 May posted by heirtoblair

Dear iPhone,

You elusive, fickle mistress of technology. COME TO MOMMA.

For two years, I have waited patiently, renewing my contract with Verizon, loyal to my service with the promise of you in 2010. Visions of sugar plums & home buttons danced in my head for months as I eagerly anticipated any news article that may leak your Verizon release date. Sadly, 2010 came & passed with very little glamor, but the promise lingered in the air for 2011.

Oh yes, I vowed. You shall be mine.

But our love was fraught with trials & not meant for instant gratification. Store after store shut me out, saying that I was not right for you. That we would not be together. That I simply did not have the phone plan to deserve your utter beauty. Verizon informed me that I would simply have to wait until Spring 2012. “But,” I argued. “I resigned with you for the iPhone. You promised me this! & I want to pay you more money!” They remained firm & I hung my head in defeat.

oh, iPhone. I ache to think of how long I missed Tweets I missed & the ability to upload pictures of my child picking his nose, all because we did not have each other.

But fear not! Behold, a new era has dawned for Verizon, where early upgrades are possible! My little white love, you are now en route to my awaiting arms & our lifetime of happiness.

smoochies,
Momma

p.s. for all the drama you created, you better damn well do my laundry & birth a unicorn.

42 Comments
Filed Under: BA is effing crazy, Life in General, Open Letters, Random, Stuff I Love

I’ve got 99 problems but a Mommy ain’t one…

5 Jul posted by heirtoblair

Photo 11 Ive got 99 problems but a Mommy aint one...

Dear PPD,

You no longer have power over me, or my relationship with my son. You no longer have the power to make me hate myself, the world, or resent anyone in my life. Your manic tendencies no longer control my thoughts. You are NOTHING. You are a nasty, evil, vile disease that I am pushing behind me, leaving you in the dust, & you are receiving the world’s biggest, most victorious middle finger. In short, YOU ARE MY BITCH. I AM NO LONGER YOURS.

PPD, you stripped me of almost 9 months of my life & more importantly, my son’s life. You beat me naked, down to my core until some nights, I was literally shaking in the bed & clawing at the sheets, begging for my life to be over. YOU ABUSED ME, USED ME, & HURT ME. & now, I’m standing up to you & taking my life back. For months, I screamed & cried to have my life back. Now, I have it. I should resent you, hate you, & believe me, I do. But I also know that every ounce of my energy is better spent moving forward & enjoying my life rather than wallowing in what could have been, what should have been, & what I wasn’t for the better part of 9 months. Now YOU are the one, shivering in the corner while I giggle with my son over bathtime. YOU are the one losing the battle while we snuggle & wrestle in the sunlight. YOU are the one standing outside the nursery during the bedtime routine. YOU missed out on splashing in the pool for the Fourth of July. NOT ME.

I hate you for what you did to me. I hate that there was no rhyme or reason & at times, I still scream WHY ME?! when I think of how it could have been like this from the beginning had you not come knocking. But I also know that without those horrible, bleak, terrible days, I would not realize HOW DAMN GOOD I have it right now. I feel like I am seeing my son for the first time. Like I am seeing myself as a mother for the first time. & you know what? I am a good mother. & my son is amazing. I finally understand that love that parents gush about, that desire to wake up in the morning & see a toothless grin over the railings of the crib. To not only wish for that moment, but to desire it down to my core until it is the last thing I think about as I fall asleep - I can’t wait to wake up to him tomorrow.

PPD, I know you are one pesky son-of-a-bitch & that you’ll do your best to be back in my life. I know that I’m not healed, that I still have a long way to go, but I also know just how far I’ve come & that I feel like my back is turned to you in the best way possible. I know that your vile, creeping, explosive anger & resentment are like a cloying disease, looking for any chance to creep back into my life. You are there, waiting for me to give you an inch. But you know what? I’m waiting for you, too.

& I’ve got one hell of a leather whip to beat the shit out of you if you ever try to come back.