When life feeds fear & the spillover runs bone dry.

I’m really busy these days.

It hits me when I lay down at night & my hips ache so badly & I wonder why I’m so tired.  I’m busy.

& I feel like I’m losing out on life.

Dramatic much?  But I spend 9 hours a day behind a computer, trying to make sense of my project manager & the boss man’s travel schedule.  I spend 2-3 hours per day in my car, trapped in bumper-to-bumper traffic.  I get home & throw on dinner, try to soak up time with Harrison, but the moment he is in pajamas I am back the the grind of taking out trash, picking up toys, & making the house presentable just in case they schedule a showing.  Just in case.

My one outlet, writing & sharing my thoughts & capturing them on film (albeit roughly), feels bone dry & I can’t help but fear if my lack of inspiration comes from lack of living.  My friend Nish often describes her blog as the spill-over of life & I’ve always felt the same – my blog holds all of the emotions & thought processes that I cannot keep to myself.  But these days, I feel like I’m on autopilot.

We race out the door every morning; my hair is flying & 75% of the time I have forgotten makeup, so I have yet to capture my attempt at growing my style.

The sun is down when I get home, so every night is a game of chase through the living room or vrooming cars around my ankles while I cook.

We did not take a winter long weekend to the mountains this year due to finances.

I see my friends grow & inspire & be viral & I shake my head at the emptiness of my own journal notes.  I’m being left behind.

I have no idea what’s happening with Zooey Dash-a-whatever or the other Kar-dash-a-whatever’s because I don’t have cable.  I have now been demoted to Former Pop Culture Princess.

I order clothes & Christmas presents & hell, even groceries online.

Some mothers ache for more interaction & more rigid schedule, but I long for days of a lazier pace & more sunshine with my tiny guy.

I just don’t know how to find it quite yet.

HeirtoBlair500x150 v41 When life feeds fear & the spillover runs bone dry.

What Mary Tyler Moore really meant to say.

scream What Mary Tyler Moore really meant to say.It’s been a hard few months & I haven’t been able to do the “full disclosure” thing on my blog in awhile.  Which is leading the biggest writer’s block I’ve had since…well, since I started this whole blogging gig.  Because I write something & them I’m all, “Well, that won’t make sense without the backstory” or “People are going to judge the hell out of that when they don’t know the reason behind it” & then I stay quiet.  It’s maddening.

So.

In October, Doug was laid off when the company he worked for closed with no warning.  There was lots of swearing on our parts for about 48 hours, then we buckled down hard.  I dropped out of my project management class to get a refund on the tuition. Doug filed for unemployment.  I picked up the gig at Babble & any sponsored post offered (remember that week in December where there were three in a row?) to help alleviate the dip into our emergency fund.  We put the house on the market, knowing that we’d be in deep water if Doug went jobless for more than a year.  & in this economy, that fear was entirely possible.

Doug & I have always been conservative with our finances, which means that in any environment of uncertainty, we treat it like a crisis.

In the middle of November, we discovered that Doug & Harry were no longer covered by insurance, nor was COBRA an option.  This was after we attended Harrison’s two-year check-up, complete with three vaccines.  Plus six private speech therapy sessions.   On top of missing half our income, now we had a heavy month of uninsured medical expenses.

note: money is hard in marriage, even when there is plenty.  it gets harder when times are tight.

At the same time, we have been oddly happier than we’ve been in a long time.  Living so intentionally has created a sense of empowerment & togetherness.  Simplicity really is a lovely thing when $8.00 Netflix is all you can afford.  Hell, we’ve even been having more sex because…what else are we going to do on a Saturday evening with no money?   In early December, Doug praised my Type A personality because Harrison’s Christmas gifts were purchased before the lay-off, which meant Santa would visit.  We took great joy in splurging for a $3.00 Almond Joy coffee creamer that Doug wanted to buy but felt was unecessary.  The smile on his face made me all warm & fuzzy.  He made me coffee the next morning with the creamer.

I wish I could do justice to how perfect that little $3.00 creamer was for making us smile & realizing that something small to share was even better than a dozen roses or a new set of golf clubs or even a vacation.

Things began looking up again as my new insurance kicked in & the boys were covered again.  We had good feedback on our house.  Doug had several good interviews and began helping his old coworker start-up a company under a new investor (it launched this past week!  he is gainfully employed again!).    I made a bonus & we were able to afford a few Christmas splurges. I still adore my new job.  Then Doug’s dad got sick & everything has turned into a bigger ball of stress since then.

The other night, driving in the dark for an hour with Harrison screaming for his Auntie, I thought I might be reaching a breaking point.  I felt like I was constantly working, never shutting off, with the weight of everything on my shoulders.  I felt that old nemesis trying to creep in, those choking thoughts that pull me under.  You deserve this stress, your baby doesn’t love you, you’re a distracted wife, you have a bitter heart, you’ll never get it right…I think the worst part is that even when I feel good & stable, there is this prodigal twisty part of my soul just lurking.

Waiting for me to slip.  Waiting for me to give just an inch.

But I’m not giving an inch.  I’m fucking making it after all, okay?

.

p.s. we are so lucky, so thankful that doug was able to get a paycheck again after only two months of unemployment.  we are bursting with gratitude towards my new job & the timeliness of babble’s job offer, which gave us security the past few months.  my heart goes out to anyone that feels that stress longer than us & i know there are plenty of you out there. i wish there was more i could do other than simply say that i understand.

p.p.s. it feels so good to get this off my shoulders.  like my body just took a huge cleansing breath.

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Changing Careers In The Worst Economy Since The Depression. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Six weeks ago, I packed up an office I sat in for six years & walked into a new building with marble floors.  I left a nonprofit environment for the wild, expensive world of pharmaceuticals.  I left a small family-owned business for a global company.  I left high-pressure sales to sit at a desk & offer support.

In short, I changed everything about my career.

Without going into the messy, gossipy, bridge-burning details that probably don’t interest anyone, I realized in mid-2010 that it was time for me to leave my job.  Unfortunately, we needed my income & benefits so I stayed with a job that drained my soul & every night, I sent a minimum dozen of resumes.  I went on a slew of interviews, wrote more cover letters than I care to admit, & sobbed misery every night. 

It took over a year of applying & interviewing.  Thousands of resumes.  Four-hour interviews with projects for companies, only to find out that I was “second choice.”  Rejection letters pouring in.  I was terrified that at 28 years old, I hit my career peak.  Then one afternoon over lunch with a friend, she mentioned an opening in her company & like any job lead that came before, I jumped on it quickly.  Two weeks later, my phone rang with an offer & I burst into tears of gratitude.

Yep, I cried on the phone with the recruiter.

I tell you that so a) you won’t take this as job-hunting law because obviously, I have a lot to work on in regards to professionalism.  & b) to warn you that job hunting can be the most emotionally draining time of life.  It’s kind of like dating, but for money.  errm…but not prostitution, I promise.

I’m not a guru or an expert, but I have been in that wretched place of career self-hatred & despair.  & I lived to tell the tale with a bright, shiny new professional future.  & not to get all motivational-speaker on you, but if I can do it?  You can do it.

1)  Perk up your resume.Graphic Resume 791x1024 Changing Careers In The Worst Economy Since The Depression.  Yeah, its that bad.
After seeing something similar on Pinterest, I created a graphic resume to help show how my traditional sales experience with “old folks” coincided with knowledge of that crazy newfangled social media.  Employers went nuts over this because it showed that I could think outside the box & I was creative.

 (p.s. click on the picture to the right & you can see the huge version)

2)  Be fast like a cheetah.
Keep your eye on job listing sites & when you see one you like, pounce!  In the beginning of my job hunt, I’d “save” something for later only to find it pulled three days later.  & I also found a pattern that company’s call the first folks that submit (not always, but most often).  If I got my resume in the day the job posted, I had a higher chance of being called back – I think it’s because I got my name in before they became overwhelmed with an influx of resumes. 

3) Look for a common thread in every job not offered.
They all pointed to me not having a desired set of skills.  This made sense – after five years in sales, I decided to pursue marketing & public relations outside of sales.  Which lead to…

4)  Go back to school. 
I signed up for a class at the local community college to get my certificate in project managment.  I just needed SOMETHING to “push me over the edge” of the competition.  I registered for it months in advance, slapped it up on my resume with a projected graduation date, & employers loved seeing that I was motivated to learn more.  I ended up dropping the class before it even started when I got my job offfer because it was too much to learn a new job & take classes.  (I plan on taking it this spring with my company’s tuition reimbursement plan.)

5) Network.  But be sneaky about it.
Like 90% of the people that have jobs, I had a personal employee referral for my new company.  It was so hard not to announce to the world I AM LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB! when I felt like my blog friends were the best networking possible. Instead, I dropped hints in emails to readers & told my close friends.  I spoke about it in person at local blogging events & even BlogHer.  But I kept it off Facebook, Twitter, the blog, & LinkedIn because I didn’t want my current employer to find out.  It’s a tough balance.

sequinsblazer 300x300 Changing Careers In The Worst Economy Since The Depression.  Yeah, its that bad.6)  Be a little bonkers.
When I interviewed for the job I am at now, I was reaching the end of sanity.  So I decided to push the limits a little – for my first interview, I wore a sequined top under a traditional blazer & pencil skirt.  The girls are still talking about it to this day – which means I was memorable.  For the follow-up interview, my boss was unable to make the meeting & I suggested a Skype interview.  Within an hour, I was computer-to-computer with the big guy.  Guess what?  They’re still talking about that, too.  I do not intend to sound snobbish or pat myself on the back so much, but find a way to stick out that is still true to yourself.

7)  Lower any inflated sense of entitlement or pride.
This one is the hardest & the realityI did not want to face.  Step back in order to move forward.  I was in sales & marketing for six years, quite successfully selling quarter-million dollar contracts.  I run my own “business” where I create advertising partnerships with big companies.  When I started looking, I went after marketing jobs because I wanted to move away from sales.  But they were all looking for someone with more “practical experience” & saw my sales as a soft skill.  So I scaled back – the job I have now is the Executive Assistant to the Vice President.  When I was hired, we discussed that this was a stepping stone & he already has me working on some projects outside of my job.  So I’ll learn the company as the assistant, know the execs, get my hands dirty with some projects, & hopefully be a project manager in just a few years.  It is worth it.

The biggest lesson I learned was that the wrong job can suck the joy straight from life.  & I deserved better.  So if you’re feeling heart-dry & wasted in your career, put yourself out there.  Don’t be afraid to be rejected & to learn & to be patient.  It will be worth it – I promise.

love,
The Girl With The Most Baller Job & Coolest Boss Ever

p.s.  yep, my new boss & company sure do know about my blog.

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A nod to my trendy gals.

I want to be like you.  I really, really do.  But I have a confession.

ombre2 A nod to my trendy gals.

I started noticing it in pictures, first.  Then the mirror.  It’s becoming more blatantly obvious every single day but I feel like I need confess that my new hipster status is not because I’m listening to She & Him on repeat, but rather because my bank account is dangerously dry these days.

ombre1 A nod to my trendy gals.

HeirtoBlair500x150 v41 A nod to my trendy gals.

These are my confessions.

A little over six months ago, I made a startling confession.

I like being a mom.

When I wrote it, I was all “Blair, you can’t write this.  There’s almost a year of ramblings that point otherwise.”  But I wrote it & it felt good & I compared the emotion to a warm Snuggie.  & I’ve got another confession.

I like being a work-outside-of-da-home mom.

After a solid year of relunctantly dragging my ass to work & fuming that I was missing Yogurt Mountain playdates with my besties & their kiddos, I have come to the realization that my career life is pretty swell.   I’m pretty good at it.  & I like it.

It comes when I start thinking & discussing career growth & opportunities.  I get that adrenaline slug that I used to get every day when I walked through the business school doors.  I start thinking about learning & kicking ass & I get all tingly inside.  I always knew I wanted to be in business.  I always knew I’d be a working mom.  It’s about damn time those two reconciled.

It’s there when I close a sale & know that I just put money in our pockets & even more money in my employer’s pockets.  (far, far more money)

I owe a lot of it to some pretty amazeballs friends of mine that prove you can still be an amazing mom with an eight-to-five.  You just make up for it on Saturday mornings with playdates in the park.  The strength in numbers that comes from my growing posse of working mommas gives me confidence to face the world with a “Yeah, what of it?” when people ask if I work.

& my stay-at-home-momma friends who have never once given me judgment or flack.  Once I pulled my head out of my ass, we started making dinner dates at Chick-fil-a & they make sure I’m invited to events, just in case I might be off work.  (it’s a true story that I do not deserve my friends)

It has it’s challenges, of course, & if you’re interested in hearing me bitch about getting my house clean & finding time to work out or worrying that my kid will need therapy, the blog archives are calling your name.

But when I think about staying home…it just doesn’t feel so completely “right” for me anymore.   Harrison is happy & loved during the day by his auntie.  I am growing comfortable with my time limits.  I’m setting career goals.   We have a routine down that suites our personalities & lifestyle.   I wouldn’t miss the commute, of course, but I would miss the meetings & weird typing sounds in the still of the office.  When I get frustrated & have the moments that we all do in the office where I want to throw up my hands & walk out? I can admit that  I’d probably be job hunting within 48 hours.

& of course, working outside of the home means I have legit reason to order groceries online that nobody can argue.  I really hate grocery shopping.

It’s not to brag.  It’s to simply say that I’ve made peace & even gone a step further passed general acceptance of my fate into really grabbing it by the balls & making it my own.

728x90 Charting with Mother Nature These are my confessions.

Stealing is for losers. Copyright 2011 Beth Anne Ballance