I rocked my own face off this past week.

For so many years, I slipped self-consciously into a bikini, scowling at the little pudge at my belly button.  Not caring that the pudge would help sustain & protect life ten years from that moment, I spent hours pacing the beach while reminding myself to stand straight, suck in, & not look at the ground.

This year, I slipped into my one-piece & nodded with satisfaction.  Not as thin as I could be, but I’m feeling more fit.  I can tell I’ve dropped a few pounds & kept them off.  My retro-inspired suit is flattering, & my sunglasses are sassy.  I played & ran on the beach, dodged waves, took bike rides with my father, & walks with my husband.

This may have been the first year I did not gain weight on vacation.

This week was a GOOD week for pounding home that I’m doing something right by simply logging my calories & getting active.  It’s good for my clothes, the scale, but most importantly, my self esteem.  (Yes, it’s important to be physically healthy, but it is just as important to be emotionally healthy.)  I may have pulled something zipping up my MiracleBody jeans from BlogHer 2010, but the important thing is that they zipped, unlike two months ago.

On another note, a friend of mine & I were chatting a few weeks ago & she posed this question: “Two pounds away from my ‘thrilled to be’ weight and I still feel fat. I still feel like I want to lose more because this isn’t good enough. I said it would be, bu now that I’m here it’s not. So what gives? When will it ever be good enough? When will I look at myself in the mirror and look at the number on the scale and be satisfied? Is this just being a woman? Or is it basic human nature?”

I’ve wondered the same thing as I’ve flip-flopped on where to “end.”  Do I want to be rail thin?  Do I want to be wedding weight?  Do I just want to be comfortable?  What happens when I get there – will it be enough?

Does anyone else struggle with this?  Where do you stop, where do you accept your body, & when do you just say, “This is me & I love it.”

Last week, I made the rounds to doctors.  You can read about the adventures in optometry here, the dentist was pretty uneventful, & I was diagnosed with carpel tunnel syndrome at my general physician’s.  It was kind of a weird week.

When I went into the general doctor’s office, I took my food diary & notes with me.  ”Hmmm,” she said, flipping through.  ”You should be losing weight on this.”  I nodded my head.  Thirty minutes later, I sat with a tournaquit around my left arm as the phlebotomist drew blood.

My thyroid?  It’s totally normal.

Oh.

So she “prescribed” five days of activity for me & instructed me to lift weights & do intervals.  In six weeks, she’ll see me again to check my progress.  While my 30 Day Shred video has gone rogue, I popped in JM’s “No More Trouble Zones” & let her kick my butt for 20 minutes.  Then I got outside & did some walk/run intervals for 15 minutes.

Rinse & repeat three times last week.

So I didn’t get all five in, but I’m working my way up.  My Zumba class is moving to twice per week starting tomorrow (!!) so I’ll be shaking my thing on Tuesdays & Thursdays, then coming home to lift a few weights.  Which means that three more times during the week, I will be either pounding pavement or panting at Jillian to shut her dirty whore mouth.

(p.s. if you’re in the Triangle area of NC & want to Zumba with me for free this coming Saturday, email me!)

You know how I’ve been all EMBRACE THE BODY & CURVES! lately?  It’s helping with this because rather than a weird self-loathing, I simply pause to think about how I want to love my body by making it fit.  I want to love my body with good foods.  When I love my body & feel charged with good fuel & endorphins, I get out in a bathing suit with my kid during a hot summer day.

What are you doing to keep fit this summer?  Do you do straight cardio, or are you an interval person?

• First, there was Monday with the migraine that made me see white stars until I crawled in bed with pain medication.
• There was Tuesday, where we searched & searched for the 30 Day Shred DVD but ended up running instead.
• Wednesday & Thursday, with it’s 7-lb gain & subsequent loss.
• Friday, Saturday, Sunday with the beach walks & sunbathing & books & homemade pimento cheese.

It was a good week of balance – exercise, trying out a new recipe (meh), & eating salads on the road.

I also slipped into a bathing suit for the first time since last August.  A little more snug, but still fit well & although I proclaimed that all cellulite must be photoshopped out, I think I handled it pretty well.  I don’t have a bikini body anymore, but I am really digging the modesty of a one-piece.

(Don’t tell my former 15-year-old self that I said that, okay?)

I looked at my girlfriends & we’re all different shapes & sizes.  We’re tall & short & pudgy & thin & we all hate the spare tires around hips.  We’re mothers, we’re expecting, we’re trying, we’re infertile, we’re not quite ready.  We’re tired hard workers, still hoping to cut loose over a road trip & silly jokes.  Lined up in beach chairs, we are the same yet we are meant to be different.  Sitting in the sunshine, I thought back on a picture I found on Pinterest that said, “You cannot look after something you don’t love.”

(Or something like that.)

Love my body enough to care what I put in it.  Love my body enough to get out & run when I am so tired.  Love my body enough to want better for it.

o

A new favorite recipe that I just drool & die over:  Gina’s Skinny Taste Baked Onion Rings.  75 calories for half an onion.  Super easy to make.

Branching out with veggies this week with Cauliflower Fritters.   I think Nate & Harry might eat them if I give them some ketchup

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Does anyone else struggle with a weight fluctuation of 7-10lbs on any given day?  I honestly have no idea what I weigh.  As of this morning, it says I am up almost 8 lbs from Friday despite walking & not going over 1500 calories any day this week.