When I was a little girl, the calendar year rotated around Christmas.  The eternal countdown to carols & nativities & twinkling lights, all wrapped up for that one morning where we would crowd into the living room in pajamas, exchanging gifts while the fireplace warmed both the room & our hearts.  I grew up a little more & came home for the holidays, spent from exams & wrapped in The Momma’s love.  Christmas became homecoming for both the body & soul, something I awaited with eager anticipation throughout the year.

I hate that for the past six years, the holidays had become a burden because of my previous employment.  We pulled out dusty Christmas trees & bins of ornaments, thousands to take inventory.  A week later, my day was spent decorating three, four, sometimes five Christmas trees & hanging garland until I trudged home exhausted & filthy.  Then I would stand in my living room, staring at my fresh tree & wonder how I could muster another string of lights.  I felt dull putting the pieces of my beloved nativity up, a present from Doug, because I had already set up two similar stables around my office.  I wondered how I could bake cookies with my child when the sight of the piles of sweets, gifts from other companies, made my blood sugar & pressure rise.  Last year, I did not plan or throw my traditional tacky sweater party because after two company gatherings & three resident parties, I was partied out.  (& not in the exhilerated way we all remember from our twenties.)

In the middle of October, my Christmas assignments dropped onto my desk & that night, I cried that I could not take one more holiday season.  I could not mingle at one more party not hosted by me, or hang one more garland that was not mine.  Four days after my sobfest, a phone call came, an offer was accepted, & I tore my Christmas assignment sheet in half.  Quite gleefully, I might add. 

This year, I anticipate the holidays eagerly.  My friend Sarah spurred me to plan the Sweater Party & I bake cookies with Harrison each Saturdy.  I’m finding ways to give back with the little we have this year, which is still more than most.  Doug & I curled up one night, slippers on feet & glasses of champagne in hand, remembering each ornament & dancing to Christmas carols.

O come, O come, Emmanuel…