I totally thought she was talking about the relationship between an all-you-can-eat monkey bread buffet & the subsequent 10 lbs on your left ass cheek.

Or wishing your ex would come down with a venereal disease, only to find out that he did while cheating on you.

(for those curious, the first was an actual occurrence in my life…not the second. swearsies. he didn’t get an STD, but I did suggest writing on the bridge over campus that he had syphilis)

When I realized what my due date was (October 4th), I had two things warring against me. #1: Be late so that I can stay out through January 2010 & spend the holidays at home. My biggest wish was to be home through Christmas, which I have successfully achieved by working through this week. Well done, Harrison, for being at least 4 days overdue! However, issue #2: Be early enough to be a bridesmaid in one of my best friend’s weddings on October 17th. The bride & I both went into this knowing the calendar & understanding that it was not something we could control. I speak for both of us when I say “Duh.” But I’ve known her since the fourth grade. We did our Girl Scout Silver Award project together. & now we work together. HELL AND HIGH WATER COULD NOT KEEP ME FROM HER WEDDING. Nothing like putting pressure on my body & fetus, hmm? The first task was to be late. CHECK! The next task is to not be too late. POTENTIAL FAIL.

Because the wedding is next Saturday.

& my induction date is next Friday.

I cried. A big, fat, ugly cry all the way back to the office. Because I am still only 1cm dilated & 50% effaced. Because my cervix is still hard as a rock despite 2 weeks of sex & Primrose oil up the vag. She couldn’t even strip my membranes, nor was I open enough for the internal to even make me bleed. Because he still hasn’t dropped and engaged (-3 station for those of you that know pregnancy) despite walking & sitting on the exercise ball every night. Because I have a week more of work looming ahead of me when I can’t bend my fingers due to carpal tunnel. Because currently, the hospital has no induction openings until October 16th.

Because it is a punch in the gut to think that I may not be there for her on the biggest day of her life, after all we’ve been through together.

::sigh::

So…there’s my update. I’m sorry that it’s not perky. I’m sorry that it’s not overly hopeful, even though BY GOD I KNOW YOU CAN GO FROM 0 TO 10 IN ONE HOUR. I’m just literally biting my tongue & sitting on my hands to keep from slapping everyone I run into. As stated previously, in my heart & mind, I KNOW that they mean well. That it comes from a loving place of excitement. BUT YES, I AM WALKING EVERY NIGHT. NO, YOU DON’T NEED TO TEXT ME EVERY NIGHT TO MAKE SURE I’M HAVING SEX (because honestly, that’s kind of creepy). & SWEET GENTLE JESUS, I DO NOT WANT YOUR GRANMOTHER’S COUSINS AUNT’S BROTHER’S WIFE’S RECIPE FOR EGGPLANT.

& I’d love to try that pressure point thing. $10 to the first person that can find it through the 20 pounds of fluid

I’m sorry. I’m just…meh. That’s the only word to describe it.