I didn’t really have a best day of my life before Harrison was born.  I guess I would say my wedding day, except that was such a whirlwind that all I remember are those double doors opening to the aisle & sitting on the bed in my nightgown with Nate, eating stuffed mushrooms & brie at midnight.  There have been a few good moments in my life – the first time I ever felt pretty, getting the top grade on my management midterm, & the first time I told Nate that I loved him.

But those first few days in the hospital – those precious, sweet, love-filled days of wonder & uncertainty & family – I wish I could re-live them over & over again.  & sometimes my heart feels a little broken that we will never have exactly that ever again in our lives.

Harrison was born.  & he was perfect.  After a brief scuffle where they tried to put me in a wheelchair without panties, we were wheeled out of Labor & Delivery & into the postpartum wing of the hospital.  I can still remember how cool the air felt on my face as I was pushed through the halls, holding a hot bundle of baby in my arms.  It was still early in the morning when we settled into our room.  As the nurses buzzed in & out, I called my parents.  “He’s here!” I managed to choke out.  Within 30 minutes, they knocked softly on my room door.  As The Momma peeked around the corner, her mouth fell open at the site of the platinum head of hair in my arms.

I’ll never forget her face at that moment.  That first moment that my mother saw me as a mother.

I still remember the sunlight streaming in through the window that day.  I remember how damn good the first shower after delivery felt, & how vulnerable I felt when I learned how to swaddle Harrison.  I remember when Nate & I curled up on the bed to watch Survivor with Harrison between us – a little bit of our old life, streaming into the hospital room & colliding with our new life.

But the moment I hold dearest in my heart was the first morning we woke up.  We sent Harrison to the nursery the first night (ah, screw it. we sent Harry to the nursery every night & I’ve never regretted it) & we woke up the next morning to the nurses tapping on our door.  They wheeled Harrison in & I still remember the joy that pounded in my heart when I saw his blonde hair in the bassinet.  I didn’t even know how much I missed him until I saw him.  & I gathered him up in my arms, holding him tight & marveling at his perfection.

I spent a lot of time marveling in those first few days.  & that little hospital room became our little world.  Me, Nate, & Harrison.  For three days.  There were no distractions from the outside world.  We had everything we needed.  No pain or hurt or mistrust or tears.  Just us. Just light & love & miracles & wonder.  It was the closest thing to Heaven that I’ll know until Heaven.

& when it was time to leave the hospital?  I was ready to go.  But I also felt a little sad.  We would venture out of our little space where time stood still.  We would be fully in charge of this little life.  We knew there would be greater challenges than diaper changes & fitting the nipple to the bottle.  (we had no idea the challenges we would truly face)

His birthday is hurtling closer to us at warp speed over the next 8 hours.  I’m not sure that I am ready for it.  As I remember back to those first days, those first cries, & that feeling that my pubic bone had been cracked in two, I ache to re-live them.  I yearn for that little 8-pound bundle that fit in the crook of my arm, even though I feel such glowing pride at the little boy stretched across my lap each night.

How has a year truly passed this quickly?

& even in remembering those non-blissful parts, he is so worth it.

We began the crazy journey on Tuesday, October 13th at 8am with a phone call, & a 40-minute drive to the hospital, full of hope, nerves, & smiles from ear-to-ear. Holy crap. We’re having a baby. Like…THAT DAY. 9+ months of waiting & here were the final moments. Intimidating, much? Thankfully, our charge nurse was a hoot that immediately settled our nerves — she joked that at the rate he was going, he’d be the kind that would still live at home at 35 years old, asking me to make him a grilled cheese sammich without crusts.

45 minutes later at 10:30am, I was strapped in a hospital bed, hooked up to two monitors (one for his heartrate, one for contractions), & being stabbed in the left wrist for my IV. At 11am, the doctor came in, shaking his head as he retracted his previous 1cm dilation. “A fingertip,” he diagnosed. “Maybe a little more, but I think I can get the hook in to break your water.” & so I laid back flat on the bed, grabbed Nate’s hand, & braced myself for the knitting needle up the vag. A few wiggles, a lot of lube…& nothing. Water-breaking attempt #1 = FAIL. & so began the Pitocin.

aka THE DRUG OF SATAN.

The next few hours…boring. Minus the part where my IV had to be re-done & they stabbed me in the arms four times, making me look like a heroine addict. A few wee baby contractions & by 3:30, the doctor came in to attempt water-breaking again. This time with three different tools of torture. Attempt #2: knitting needle again. FAIL. Attempt #3: This crazy wire-looking monitor that would attach to the baby’s head, thinking the probe at the end would break the sac. I side-eyed it, he shoved it up the vag…& attached it to my cervix. I promptly screamed “HOLY SHIT.” FAIL. Attempt #4: Finger condom. When your doctor is rolling a mini-condom down his middle finger, showing you the prick at the end, it feels like an out-of-body experience. So my cervix got fingered, but don’t worry, we used protection! & my husband watched! He pulled his finger out, I asked him if he wanted a cigarette, & we waited to see if it worked. I stood up & DISGUSTING BROWN FLUID gushed down my leg.

That would be merconium from the babe. Which meant the NICU would have to be present for his birth which makes every expectant mother feel awesome. Not.

& so the waiting begins. & the contractions intensify. I finally get to 2cm thanks to the sensation of my butt nearly falling off & back labor. & at 5pm, despite only beign 1 1/2 cm, I begged for an epidural. I wanted to hold off — really, I did. Which is why I took the “drunk medicine” in my IV at 1pm to take the edge off & try to make it at least to 4cm. But that only gave me reminiscent feelings of past Pi Kapp parties for 45 minutes, so the back-stabbing doctor was summoned.

Stab me he did. THREE EFFING TIMES DURING CONTRACTIONS. I sobbed. Clung to the nurse, bent over her shoulder, & bawled my eyes out while he repeatedly tried to shove tubes up my spine. Five-year-old crying, complete with sniffling, boo-hooing, & laced with a few choice adult words. Poor Nate looked like he was 10 seconds from fainting or beating up the anesthesiologist. Thankfully, he did neither & the epi was finally in place. Except only a few hours in, we realized it wasn’t working.

Eff my life. I endured three stabs in the back for NOTHING?! & I would have been pissed except the only thing running through my mind was “MAKE THE PAIN STOP NOW.” Because back labor seriously makes you feel like your rectum will eventually fall out of your body & onto the hospital floor with a resounding, “Eff that noise, I’m outta here.” So the anesthesiologist was called again & bless all that is holy, shift change had occured & it was a new Sherriff in town. Who got the epi with one try.

& the waiting continued again. The OB shift changed & at 9pm, my new doctor proclaimed 3cm and 70% effaced, vaginal birth still 100% likely. But at midnight, we were still only 3cm. I cried. 13 hours into labor & only 3cm. How is this possible?? I’m on the max amount of pitocin! I grabbed Nate’s hand & sobbed that I knew, knew, knew they were going to slice & dice me. There was no way I’d make it through this. Frustration. Discouragement. Exhaustion. Starvation. I wouldn’t wish those feelings on anyone, especially not all piled on at once. & when the cramping in the ribs began around 1am, I begged for a c-section.

Cramping in ribs, you say? Oh, indeed. You know that feeling when you run a mile in the cold on a full stomach? & you get this cramp in your ribs & lungs & the wind is totally knocked out of you? Welcome to my new stage of labor, compliments of Harrison’s in-ute positioning. Since the pain was mostly on the right, we rolled me to my left & shot me up with a boost of meds in the epi. Awesome, for five minutes until the kid switched & the pain moved to the right. So we rolled me again. This game continued for an entire hour until I finally nodded off to sleep, praising God for a working epi.

Nate, bless his heart, sat by my bed for two hours, watching the contraction monitor. & still maintains that his respect for me grew ten-fold watching me sleep through some of the big ones. I remember the pain of them in my sleep, but they were not enough to wake me up. I remember thinking, “I shouldn’t be feeling these” through the fog of sleep.

At 2:45, I woke up. Screaming. Because dear God, I swore my ass was falling out of my pelvic floor. & I couldn’t breathe. Nate quickly turned me on my left side, where I grabbed the bed rail. & began to shake. Violently. & if you’re questioning how badly I shook, picture a grand mal seizure. Multiply that by 20. I kept promising Nate is was normal through my chattering teeth — I realized then that my epi was shit & like it or not, I was in transition & delivery would be unmedicated.

THIS WAS NOT MY BIRTH PLAN, Y’ALL. My birthplan explicitly said stab in the back, have baby as safely as possible, drink a martini. NOWHERE IN THERE DOES IT SAY PUSH BABY OUT WITHOUT DRUGS. Mild panic on my part for a minute. But then the mother in me kicked in & said, “Okay, this blows. But there’s no fixing it, there’s no going back, & this is what we’re working with. SO SUCK IT UP.”

The nurse came skipping in, confirmed the 9cm. I promptly said, “I have to puke.” She & Nate stare at me. I yell, “I HAVE TO PUKE.” Nate holds out his hands…& I obliged.

I puked in my husband’s hands. Hell, he held them out there! The hell did he think I was going to do? God bless that man.

Five minutes later, my feet are in stirrups. I’m mildly panicking. “You’re going to teach me how to push, right?” I ask. Because I’m an idiot. & so the pushing began. It wasn’t that bad, at first. Until the cramping kicked in & SWEET JESUS, I couldn’t breathe.

NO REALLY, NURSE. I CAN’T BREATHE.

So an oxygen mask is strapped on for Harrison’s sake (his heartrate jumped) & we flip me onto my right side. I push on my side. Ineffective. We roll me on my back & in a spur of genius, I put my hands behind my head to push. Dude, that’s what my PE teacher told me in 2nd grade — get a cramp in your ribs? Hands over your head! & so I pushed as such. (oh, & I threw up again in the oxygen mask, quite in the fashion of the Excorcist).

& thus enters the part that is so sacred to my soul, so burned into my memory — Harrison’s birth. As easy as it is to write about the process leading up to his birth, I find words lacking as a way to explain the incredible wonder, pain, & excitement of finally delivering my son. The pain & pressure crack like a whip across your back, requiring every ounce of focus & energy. Every time I gave up & stopped pushing, trying to pull air into my lungs, my OB demanded more. She never let me give up, never gave up on me, & never gave up on Harrison. & I am forever thankful to her for that confidence.

After an hour & a half, I saw the most beautiful head emerge. Yes, I watched in a mirror. I wasn’t going to, but my OB felt it would let me see just how close I was to give me encouragement & confidence. With Nate holding my hand, I pushed one more time…& my son was born.

& in that moment, so was his mother. The ordeal of birth, the trauma of delivery, the pain…all forgotten.

Nate cried. I cried. Harrison cried the loudest.

Forty-five minutes later, I held my son for the first time. & said, “Hi, Harrison. I’ve been waiting for you my entire life.”

After 18 hours of hard labor, Harrison Douglas arrived at 5:28am at a whopping 8 lbs, 4 oz and 21 inches with a head full of platinum blonde hair. He looks just like Nate & my heart may explode watching them together.

Pictures & details to come tonight, but for now, it’s been over 26 hours since I’ve eaten or really slept. There are no words for how much I appreciate all of your comments, tweets, etc of encouragement – so appreciated from the bottom of my heart.

::screeching halt:: Say what? I thought the induction was Friday!

Enter in today’s marathon of an OB visit — ultrasound at 12, followed by lunch break, cup-peeing, then a long NST (non-stress test), followed by internal & visit with the OB. Praise God for the lunch break at Qdoba with tortilla chips & mild salsa because we were exhausted afterward.

Harrison looks awesome on the ultrasound, measuring right in the 39-week range on all body parts & 7 lbs, 11 oz (not that I put any stock in the weight guess). He passed the NST with flying colors, even kicking the monitor so hard it lost track of the heartbeat several times. Unfortunately, his fluid is low. Ironic, right? I HAVE MORE FLUID IN MY LEFT FOOT than the ENTIRE ATLANTIC OCEAN, & he’s just passing on amniotic fluid levels. As my good friend Sarah announced, my uterus must be PISSED at my feet & screaming “GIVE ME MY FLUID BACK.” With interest, to be paid in cupcakes if I had a preference.

So, with lower fluid, there’s no way they’re waiting until Friday to pull him. Which meant the idea of waiting until Monday was…well, ridiculous. To put it lightly.

So our cute, perky OB waltzed in & said, “How do you feel about tomorrow?”

TOMORROW?!?

Enter a Jessie Spano freak out on both Nate & I’s parts, complete with wild, goofy grins. You know how some people freak the hell out when they see the positive pregnancy test? Yeah, that was us. On a 9-month delay.

Because HOLY CRAP, WE’RE HAVING A BABY TOMORROW. I’M SO EXCITED, I’M SO EXCITED, I’M SO EXCITED….I’M SO….SCARED. Hence a two-minute panic regarding labor and OH MY GOD, that has to come out of my vagina??? When my body is already resisting labor?! Paper bag, please. But God bless my OB, who patted me on the knee & said, “Honey, we’ll give him time. We’ll be patient with him. & I think this will work out just perfectly.” So come tomorrow morning, I am to get up & have a light breakfast, pack the car, & wait. Potentially the longest wait of my life, anticipating the phone call that says, “Hi Blair, we’re ready for you!” Translation: GET YOUR REAR TO THE HOSPITAL TO HAVE A BABY. Where they will dope me up with Pitocin, break my water, & get this show on the road.

So that I can finally meet my son, after a lifetime of waiting for him.

Or wishing your ex would come down with a venereal disease, only to find out that he did while cheating on you.

(for those curious, the first was an actual occurrence in my life…not the second. swearsies. he didn’t get an STD, but I did suggest writing on the bridge over campus that he had syphilis)

When I realized what my due date was (October 4th), I had two things warring against me. #1: Be late so that I can stay out through January 2010 & spend the holidays at home. My biggest wish was to be home through Christmas, which I have successfully achieved by working through this week. Well done, Harrison, for being at least 4 days overdue! However, issue #2: Be early enough to be a bridesmaid in one of my best friend’s weddings on October 17th. The bride & I both went into this knowing the calendar & understanding that it was not something we could control. I speak for both of us when I say “Duh.” But I’ve known her since the fourth grade. We did our Girl Scout Silver Award project together. & now we work together. HELL AND HIGH WATER COULD NOT KEEP ME FROM HER WEDDING. Nothing like putting pressure on my body & fetus, hmm? The first task was to be late. CHECK! The next task is to not be too late. POTENTIAL FAIL.

Because the wedding is next Saturday.

& my induction date is next Friday.

I cried. A big, fat, ugly cry all the way back to the office. Because I am still only 1cm dilated & 50% effaced. Because my cervix is still hard as a rock despite 2 weeks of sex & Primrose oil up the vag. She couldn’t even strip my membranes, nor was I open enough for the internal to even make me bleed. Because he still hasn’t dropped and engaged (-3 station for those of you that know pregnancy) despite walking & sitting on the exercise ball every night. Because I have a week more of work looming ahead of me when I can’t bend my fingers due to carpal tunnel. Because currently, the hospital has no induction openings until October 16th.

Because it is a punch in the gut to think that I may not be there for her on the biggest day of her life, after all we’ve been through together.

::sigh::

So…there’s my update. I’m sorry that it’s not perky. I’m sorry that it’s not overly hopeful, even though BY GOD I KNOW YOU CAN GO FROM 0 TO 10 IN ONE HOUR. I’m just literally biting my tongue & sitting on my hands to keep from slapping everyone I run into. As stated previously, in my heart & mind, I KNOW that they mean well. That it comes from a loving place of excitement. BUT YES, I AM WALKING EVERY NIGHT. NO, YOU DON’T NEED TO TEXT ME EVERY NIGHT TO MAKE SURE I’M HAVING SEX (because honestly, that’s kind of creepy). & SWEET GENTLE JESUS, I DO NOT WANT YOUR GRANMOTHER’S COUSINS AUNT’S BROTHER’S WIFE’S RECIPE FOR EGGPLANT.

& I’d love to try that pressure point thing. $10 to the first person that can find it through the 20 pounds of fluid

I’m sorry. I’m just…meh. That’s the only word to describe it.

::sigh::

I wanted this to be it so badly, but here I sit in bed feeling perfectly fine & normal while Nate snores beside me.

Also, just as a side note…I’ve been getting laid every night for the past two weeks. Lack of sex is not the reason for my cervix not cooperating, I promise.

I would like to have this baby within the next 24 hours, please.