Guzzling The Haterade | Heir to Blair

A call for responsible discourse.

17 Apr posted by heirtoblair

Last week it was suggested that I am an abusive & neglectful mother for letting my child play alone in our secure backyard, only feet away while I empty a dishwasher.

“So I unload the top of the dishwasher, then peek out to check. Unload the bottom dishwasher & peek out to check. Wipe down the counters & brew a cup of coffee & head outside for another 30 minutes.” ~from my Babble.com post

The comments poured in, different opinions & questions & then first neglect, then abuse. oh, the rage. It was strong. Not because someone disagreed with my parenting choices or felt they were wrong – I highly expect that for every decision I make regarding my child. I formula fed & suffered postpartum depression & don’t spank my child so if you think I still have a thin skin regarding parenting choices, try again.

My rage came from blatantly flippant use of the words “abuse” & “neglect.”

Definition of child abuse (per dictionary):
mistreatment of child: severe mistreatment of a child by a parent, guardian, or other adult responsible for his or her welfare, e.g. physical violence, neglect, sexual assault, or emotional cruelty

Definition of child neglect (childhelp.org):
Failure to provide for a child’s physical needs. This includes lack of supervision, inappropriate housing or shelter, inadequate provision of food and water, inappropriate clothing for season or weather, abandonment, denial of medical care and inadequate hygiene.

My child playing 10 feet away where I can hear & see him easily is not severe mistreatment. Him learning independent play in a secure environment where I am seconds away is not careless disregard.

It makes me wonder if those that throw those harsh words around so easily have ever seen true neglect & abuse first-hand. If they’ve ever lived with a nine-year-old boy that only weighs 40 lbs because his mother bought drugs instead of food. If they’ve ever had to carry a hyperventilating six-year-old out of a store because a piece of glitter landed on her hand & she had a flashback to years of child pornography. If they’ve ever sat with social workers for hours as part of a home study & heard a little boy say he was given to the devil. Because I have & those are memories that marked my heart forever to where the word “abuse” is as strong as a racial slur or the R-word.

Child abuse & neglect are powerful words, real words that are real in our society. They are the children that are starved & beaten & locked in closets, torn apart at the hands of people they know, molested & left for days. Every ten seconds, a report of child abuse is made. More than five children die every day as a result of abuse. Child abuse is serious & it is a serious allegation.

I beg you to be mindful of the words used to describe another parent’s actions. Are they truly abusing their child, causing danger to the child’s overall well-being? Or is it a simple heated discussion where you feel you are right, by golly?

Let’s talk about parenting. Let’s share ideas & concerns & hopes & fears. Feel free to disagree with me respectfully & accept that I may defend my stance. But let’s have this parenting discourse responsibly.

If you do see child abuse & neglect happening, please call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453.

HeirtoBlair500x150 v41 A call for responsible discourse.

128 Comments
Filed Under: Adult Club, Guzzling the Haterade, Open Letters, Things I didn't understand until I birthed a child, Things that aren't perfect despite my best efforts, Unpopular opinions

Where I say thank you.

2 Dec posted by heirtoblair

From the bottom bits of my heart, THANK YOU.

Thank you for your sweet congratulations yesterday! You sure know how to make a girl blush & I’m just so sorry I haven’t been able to respond personally to everyone.

Thank you for following me over there, reading my words, & still hanging out with me here. I told the folks on Babble that my ~~readers~~ e-friends were the best & funniest & most loyal that you could ever find, & HOT DAMN, did y’all prove me right.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for sticking up for me & basically delivering the most epic troll beat-down I have seen in years. You basically rolled in the STFU Truck while I was supporting a buddy of mine’s shop opening, & I appreciate you stepping in my absence.

(Also? Thank you for keeping it classy & letting her look like the fool.)

As you may have seen on the Twitters, I discovered that the hurtful words were coming from a woman I previously thought as a friend. I suppose I could spin it into a TRUST NOBODY! conspiracy theory about meeting friends on the interwebs, but the truth of it all is that no matter what parenting choices you make, someone will disagree. Breast versus bottle, BabyWise vs Attachment Parenting, working mom versus stay at home mom. We’ve all seen the battles but we never suspect our friends having cruel thoughts about us, always hidden behind a smile or sweet Facebook note.

So my thoughts on the whole situation boil down to friendship, not parenting – as someone’s friend, you have the responsibility of protecting their heart. Plain & simple. If you think there is an outrageous wrong happening, then by all means speak up! But do it TO THEIR FACE, with honesty out on the table. If you must hide your thoughts behind anonymity & gossip, then it is probably not worth speaking. & if you feel that negatively towards a “friend?” You disagree so strongly with them? It probably means the friendship ain’t worth it, so you cut your losses & find someone that you love unconditionally.

The good news is that in these days, most “friendships” can be desolved by defriending on Facebook. ::snort::

By the way, did I say THANK YOU enough for all the awesomeness yesterday?

Real friends dress up in cocktail dresses & fascinators, then go buy hot dogs on the streets of New York City.

36 Comments
Filed Under: All about BA, Babbling on Babble, FAIL, Guzzling the Haterade, I have real-life friends, Things that aren't perfect despite my best efforts, Toddler Times, Unpopular opinions

The beast that is mommy-blogging.

15 Apr posted by heirtoblair

Or really, any kind of blogging.

I can’t give enough details. I mean, I COULD, but you’d be bored to tears & banging your head on the table in frustration even more than usual & I just don’t want that for anyone. It would mean posts that threaten thesis papers & photos with so much editing that you can’t even wrap your head around what the picture is supposed to look like.

Take this picture, for example:

room The beast that is mommy blogging.

Harrison was playing quietly in his room & I opened the door to find this. Could trouble get any cuter? I think not.

The point of the post was just random cute baby stuff. Surface fluff to make you giggle. File it under warm fuzzies & tuck it back in the drawer. Until someone whips out the “I couldn’t imagine leaving my baby unattended! What if he got hurt?!” Translation: YOU SUCK ASS MOTHER, LEAVING YOUR BABY ALONE WHERE NINJAS COULD LEAP OUT OF DRESSER DRAWERS & ATTACK HIM WHILE YOU IGNORE PARENTING DUTIES. & then she may or may not dial CPS.

The reality behind the picture: Harry had run into his room, slammed the door shut, & was squealing happily at his monkey. I peeked in on him a few times only to find him sitting on the floor with his monkey, sucking his thumb. So I shut the door quietly & began trading out loads of laundry, not two feet away in the hall. His room is 100% baby-proofed & probably the safest room in the house with stable furniture & outlets covered. I peeked in a few minutes later & found this….hurricane? for lack of a better word.

Or this one, where someone made mention that his cheeks looked chapped, poor thing, which sent me into full defense mode:

harry porch wm1 The beast that is mommy blogging.

Honestly? The kid just gets rosy-cheeked when he’s running around. & boy, had he been running around! We had spent over an hour in the backyard chasing the dog, swinging, laughing, wrestling, etc. in the brisk sunshine. He had been wearing a jacket, but had pulled it off not a moment earlier as we all sat down to rest on the back porch. & yes, he cheeks are all kinds of spicy, but I secretly love it because it means he had a wonderful time. & that’s kind of the point, yes?

Moral of the story #1: Things aren’t always what they seem.

Moral of the story #2: Even I can be over-sensitive to comments. oops.

75 Comments
Filed Under: blog crap, FAIL, Guzzling the Haterade, I wish parenting came with a manual, Oversharing Extraordinaire, Things that aren't perfect despite my best efforts, Unpopular opinions

The tale of the ampersand.

24 Mar posted by heirtoblair

So you’ve been reading along for a couple of years or maybe just a couple of days & it hit’s you…

BLAIR & THAT GOD-FORSAKEN AMPERSAND.

Normal folks scratch their heads & carry on, trolls come out & do their typical “OH MY GOD, you suck & are so annoying & OMG with the ampersand & you trying to brand yourself.” I mean, yeah, I guess the ampersand is my thing now, whatever that means. But I’ve been doing it ever since high school.

Because I type really, really fast & have sort of a finger dyslexia. So I kept mistakenly typing “nad.” Which never really went over well on email & IM before auto-correct.

I’m sitting there typing a heartfelt instant message, trying to be coy & funny & darling over the interwebs with the cutie from my chorus class & BAM! I type “nads” to a boy that I like. This is devastating to a 16-year-old virgin’s psyche.

So I switched to ampersands.

I’m proud to say that I have been balls-free in emails, blog posts, & instant messaging since 1999.

45 Comments
Filed Under: All about BA, BA's a nerd, blog crap, Guzzling the Haterade, Random, Unpopular opinions

Diary of a Mean Girl.

11 Feb posted by heirtoblair

I watched them from afar, trembling whenever they came close. I never knew whether they would bestow a benevolent smile or scowl at my imperfection. It started in third grade – whispers on the playground in small huddles. In fourth grade, I spent an entire night sobbing when I was denied a birthday party invitation. In eighth grade, I listened to the jeers about my height & love of literature. I slouched at my desk in high school, desperately hoping they would ignore my pants that were too short, the wrong brand, & awkward on my long legs.

But they never ignored an opportunity. They always found a stray thread on my self-confidence to pull, ripping the seams & shredding my self-worth.

Those girls grew up. Backpacks became Kate Spade bags & slap bracelets became diamond rings. & they have a new playground – Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, message boards.

Mean girls, set to conquer & destroy, but now with a keyboard & barbed fingers.

A few years ago, I stumbled across a community of message boards – I was a lonely newlywed, young & looking for friendship. On these boards, I found my very best friends. During the day, we would sneak online during lunch breaks to check-in, chatting about everything from home decor to sex to tips on merging bank accounts. At night & on weekends, we would meet for coffee dates & walks around the local lake. We were kind & funny, but over time, we spent more energy on the message boards & branched out into the community. & I discovered the mighty weight of my words & “popularity” on the boards.

With a few strokes on the keys, I could tap out a rapid-fire response & whittle my words into any form. I quickly learned the art of “snark,” otherwise known as a comeback laced with snap & sarcasm & irony. Anyone who dared question my authority over the board was met with an arched eyebrow & biting retort, sending folks straight into pearl-clutching & panty-twisting. I was smart. Biting. Witty. But cruel.

The worst part is? I thought I was being funny. In my heart & mind, I was being tongue-in-cheek & full of sass. People were afraid of me & I got a high off the ass-kissing & pontificating. I thought I was “harmlessly” educating stupid questions that were deserving of snide remarks, punishment for inadequacy. Looking back, I was simply being cruel. I had become the mean girl that I feared in grade school, preying on others insecurities to buffer the sting of my own. & there lies the heart of the entire tragic existence:

Why is a mean girl so mean?

Because she sucks at life. She’s over-compensating for what is missing in her life. & she’s an asshole.

Really. Trust me, I am an expert on this subject as proven above.

When I think back on all of the time wasted on the internet, belittling someone’s values & intelligence, I am only faced with the void in my own life. I had nothing important to weigh me down to earth or hold me responsible for my actions. Nothing that demanded responsibility to humanity or myself. I thought that my words bounced through the air, never really landing or causing harm with any permanence. As if the people behind the other computer screens were not real people with hearts & feelings.

I was wrong.

I never fully realized the implications of my actions until I looked at Harrison & was faced with his innocence. I am responsible for shaping his life & his value of humanity. When he sees his mother acting so recklessly, what does that teach him? Who am I to teach him that another person’s thoughts, creativity, feelings, & values are wrong? I realized under the humbling weight of motherhood that I needed to change.

Unfortunately, I can never take back those words that I flung so carelessly to strangers. Even if I tried, I could not find every individual that I spoke to & apologize for my cruelty. In many circles, my online reputation is shattered & I pay for it daily with emails & trolling on my personal blog. A digital footprint is not easily erased.

If you are ever hounded by an online mean girl, please take heart – it’s not you, it’s her. She is intimidated by something she sees in you because it reflects something inside of her – either something she hates to see in herself, or more often, pure jealousy over what she lacks in comparison. (remember, I’m an expert on this)

If you are tempted to play the roll of the mean girl, I beg you to stop & think before hitting “send” or “publish.” What is your motivation? Would you say it to your child? Your mother? Mother Teresa herself? Those words will be there forever. Make sure they are words you are willing to stand by forever.

You, with your words like knives & swords & weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I’m nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I’m wounded
You, picking on the weaker man…
But all you are is mean
~Taylor Swift

__________________________________

If you are someone I have hurt in the past, I am sorry. Truly. If I could take back those words & be a friend to you today, I would in a heartbeat. I hope you accept my apology & if you would like a more specific one, I would love for you to email me so we can talk. (heirtoblairblog@gmail.com)