So.

I am unemployed.

YANK.

It was unexpected.

YANK.

(also?  ouch.)

.

More to come after coffee & getting dressed & figuring out my first day as a temporary stay-at-home-momma.

It hits me when I lay down at night & my hips ache so badly & I wonder why I’m so tired.  I’m busy.

& I feel like I’m losing out on life.

Dramatic much?  But I spend 9 hours a day behind a computer, trying to make sense of my project manager & the boss man’s travel schedule.  I spend 2-3 hours per day in my car, trapped in bumper-to-bumper traffic.  I get home & throw on dinner, try to soak up time with Harrison, but the moment he is in pajamas I am back the the grind of taking out trash, picking up toys, & making the house presentable just in case they schedule a showing.  Just in case.

My one outlet, writing & sharing my thoughts & capturing them on film (albeit roughly), feels bone dry & I can’t help but fear if my lack of inspiration comes from lack of living.  My friend Nish often describes her blog as the spill-over of life & I’ve always felt the same – my blog holds all of the emotions & thought processes that I cannot keep to myself.  But these days, I feel like I’m on autopilot.

We race out the door every morning; my hair is flying & 75% of the time I have forgotten makeup, so I have yet to capture my attempt at growing my style.

The sun is down when I get home, so every night is a game of chase through the living room or vrooming cars around my ankles while I cook.

We did not take a winter long weekend to the mountains this year due to finances.

I see my friends grow & inspire & be viral & I shake my head at the emptiness of my own journal notes.  I’m being left behind.

I have no idea what’s happening with Zooey Dash-a-whatever or the other Kar-dash-a-whatever’s because I don’t have cable.  I have now been demoted to Former Pop Culture Princess.

I order clothes & Christmas presents & hell, even groceries online.

Some mothers ache for more interaction & more rigid schedule, but I long for days of a lazier pace & more sunshine with my tiny guy.

I just don’t know how to find it quite yet.

So.

In October, Doug was laid off when the company he worked for closed with no warning.  There was lots of swearing on our parts for about 48 hours, then we buckled down hard.  I dropped out of my project management class to get a refund on the tuition. Doug filed for unemployment.  I picked up the gig at Babble & any sponsored post offered (remember that week in December where there were three in a row?) to help alleviate the dip into our emergency fund.  We put the house on the market, knowing that we’d be in deep water if Doug went jobless for more than a year.  & in this economy, that fear was entirely possible.

Doug & I have always been conservative with our finances, which means that in any environment of uncertainty, we treat it like a crisis.

In the middle of November, we discovered that Doug & Harry were no longer covered by insurance, nor was COBRA an option.  This was after we attended Harrison’s two-year check-up, complete with three vaccines.  Plus six private speech therapy sessions.   On top of missing half our income, now we had a heavy month of uninsured medical expenses.

note: money is hard in marriage, even when there is plenty.  it gets harder when times are tight.

At the same time, we have been oddly happier than we’ve been in a long time.  Living so intentionally has created a sense of empowerment & togetherness.  Simplicity really is a lovely thing when $8.00 Netflix is all you can afford.  Hell, we’ve even been having more sex because…what else are we going to do on a Saturday evening with no money?   In early December, Doug praised my Type A personality because Harrison’s Christmas gifts were purchased before the lay-off, which meant Santa would visit.  We took great joy in splurging for a $3.00 Almond Joy coffee creamer that Doug wanted to buy but felt was unecessary.  The smile on his face made me all warm & fuzzy.  He made me coffee the next morning with the creamer.

I wish I could do justice to how perfect that little $3.00 creamer was for making us smile & realizing that something small to share was even better than a dozen roses or a new set of golf clubs or even a vacation.

Things began looking up again as my new insurance kicked in & the boys were covered again.  We had good feedback on our house.  Doug had several good interviews and began helping his old coworker start-up a company under a new investor (it launched this past week!  he is gainfully employed again!).    I made a bonus & we were able to afford a few Christmas splurges. I still adore my new job.  Then Doug’s dad got sick & everything has turned into a bigger ball of stress since then.

The other night, driving in the dark for an hour with Harrison screaming for his Auntie, I thought I might be reaching a breaking point.  I felt like I was constantly working, never shutting off, with the weight of everything on my shoulders.  I felt that old nemesis trying to creep in, those choking thoughts that pull me under.  You deserve this stress, your baby doesn’t love you, you’re a distracted wife, you have a bitter heart, you’ll never get it right…I think the worst part is that even when I feel good & stable, there is this prodigal twisty part of my soul just lurking.

Waiting for me to slip.  Waiting for me to give just an inch.

But I’m not giving an inch.  I’m fucking making it after all, okay?

.

p.s. we are so lucky, so thankful that doug was able to get a paycheck again after only two months of unemployment.  we are bursting with gratitude towards my new job & the timeliness of babble’s job offer, which gave us security the past few months.  my heart goes out to anyone that feels that stress longer than us & i know there are plenty of you out there. i wish there was more i could do other than simply say that i understand.

p.p.s. it feels so good to get this off my shoulders.  like my body just took a huge cleansing breath.

photo

So they count it different ways.  Numbers on the scale, resolutions written in ink, goals scratched in journals, or one word.

I have been silent this week because I do not know how to begin 2012.  How do I begin with one word when I want to strive for so many words?  How do I narrow that down?  How do I resolve to get healthy before growing our family again without sounding cliche, all while waiting with anxious breath for one person to fall in love with our home?

The past year I fell in love with motherhood & battled demons & changed jobs & took on my first hard-core paid writing gig.  We balanced on a fence throughout most of the year, waiting for chips to fall & our lives to finally settle.  Some of them have, some of them haven’t, & I’ve found my voice oddly silent during these times.  Maybe that’s maturity & wisdom that being 28 in 2011 brought me & will continue teaching as I turn 29 in 2012.  Maybe it’s that little piece of me that keeps changing & growing & spinning bigger to where it’s not such a little piece anymore…it’s me.

All of me.

 The silly. The mother & wife. The spiritual. The career woman & homemaker. The blasphemous. The girl that struggles with life & contentedness & body image, who loves pretty pictures & yellow roses & yes, a good set of shapewear.

p.s. i have scribbled down words & resolutions & goals.  i’ll be sharing soon.

11:45pm on Christmas Eve, putting in the 417th screw & an empty whisky glass beside me.

As I said a wee bit ago, we do Santa in our home.

When I wrote that little manifesto, I held so much anticipation in my heart for the coming Christmas Eve.

That night, we sang by candlelight in church & ate spaghetti with family around the dining room table.  Later than normal, Doug & I tucked a very sleepy Harrison into bed with Christmas jammies & The Polar Express.  After changing into comfy clothes & pouring whisky & gingers, we sat down on the living room rug with Santa’s presents.  We began with the most challenging piece, Harrison’s play kitchen.  Over the next two hours, Doug & I laughed & talked about the past year.  How much Harrison has grown, how he will love his new toys, how this season has been so amazing with his ability to participate.  With Christmas carols playing in the background, I really got it.

Watching the presents come together, presents I bought for my little boy, carefully selecting what I thought he might like.  I realized that these twelve hours between bedtime & Christmas morning were a parent’s best part of the year.  The sacrifice & joy & complete infatuation with my child, all coming together on one day.  When we laid down a little past midnight, I felt more excitement as a parent than as a child on Christmas, simply imagining his reaction at the gifts by the tree.

& Harrison’s smile on Christmas Day did not disappoint.

p.s. there are 360 days until harry is three at christmas & i cannot freakin’ wait.

In short, I changed everything about my career.

Without going into the messy, gossipy, bridge-burning details that probably don’t interest anyone, I realized in mid-2010 that it was time for me to leave my job.  Unfortunately, we needed my income & benefits so I stayed with a job that drained my soul & every night, I sent a minimum dozen of resumes.  I went on a slew of interviews, wrote more cover letters than I care to admit, & sobbed misery every night. 

It took over a year of applying & interviewing.  Thousands of resumes.  Four-hour interviews with projects for companies, only to find out that I was “second choice.”  Rejection letters pouring in.  I was terrified that at 28 years old, I hit my career peak.  Then one afternoon over lunch with a friend, she mentioned an opening in her company & like any job lead that came before, I jumped on it quickly.  Two weeks later, my phone rang with an offer & I burst into tears of gratitude.

Yep, I cried on the phone with the recruiter.

I tell you that so a) you won’t take this as job-hunting law because obviously, I have a lot to work on in regards to professionalism.  & b) to warn you that job hunting can be the most emotionally draining time of life.  It’s kind of like dating, but for money.  errm…but not prostitution, I promise.

I’m not a guru or an expert, but I have been in that wretched place of career self-hatred & despair.  & I lived to tell the tale with a bright, shiny new professional future.  & not to get all motivational-speaker on you, but if I can do it?  You can do it.

1)  Perk up your resume.
After seeing something similar on Pinterest, I created a graphic resume to help show how my traditional sales experience with “old folks” coincided with knowledge of that crazy newfangled social media.  Employers went nuts over this because it showed that I could think outside the box & I was creative.

 (p.s. click on the picture to the right & you can see the huge version)

2)  Be fast like a cheetah.
Keep your eye on job listing sites & when you see one you like, pounce!  In the beginning of my job hunt, I’d “save” something for later only to find it pulled three days later.  & I also found a pattern that company’s call the first folks that submit (not always, but most often).  If I got my resume in the day the job posted, I had a higher chance of being called back – I think it’s because I got my name in before they became overwhelmed with an influx of resumes. 

3) Look for a common thread in every job not offered.
They all pointed to me not having a desired set of skills.  This made sense – after five years in sales, I decided to pursue marketing & public relations outside of sales.  Which lead to…

4)  Go back to school. 
I signed up for a class at the local community college to get my certificate in project managment.  I just needed SOMETHING to “push me over the edge” of the competition.  I registered for it months in advance, slapped it up on my resume with a projected graduation date, & employers loved seeing that I was motivated to learn more.  I ended up dropping the class before it even started when I got my job offfer because it was too much to learn a new job & take classes.  (I plan on taking it this spring with my company’s tuition reimbursement plan.)

5) Network.  But be sneaky about it.
Like 90% of the people that have jobs, I had a personal employee referral for my new company.  It was so hard not to announce to the world I AM LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB! when I felt like my blog friends were the best networking possible. Instead, I dropped hints in emails to readers & told my close friends.  I spoke about it in person at local blogging events & even BlogHer.  But I kept it off Facebook, Twitter, the blog, & LinkedIn because I didn’t want my current employer to find out.  It’s a tough balance.

6)  Be a little bonkers.
When I interviewed for the job I am at now, I was reaching the end of sanity.  So I decided to push the limits a little – for my first interview, I wore a sequined top under a traditional blazer & pencil skirt.  The girls are still talking about it to this day – which means I was memorable.  For the follow-up interview, my boss was unable to make the meeting & I suggested a Skype interview.  Within an hour, I was computer-to-computer with the big guy.  Guess what?  They’re still talking about that, too.  I do not intend to sound snobbish or pat myself on the back so much, but find a way to stick out that is still true to yourself.

7)  Lower any inflated sense of entitlement or pride.
This one is the hardest & the realityI did not want to face.  Step back in order to move forward.  I was in sales & marketing for six years, quite successfully selling quarter-million dollar contracts.  I run my own “business” where I create advertising partnerships with big companies.  When I started looking, I went after marketing jobs because I wanted to move away from sales.  But they were all looking for someone with more “practical experience” & saw my sales as a soft skill.  So I scaled back – the job I have now is the Executive Assistant to the Vice President.  When I was hired, we discussed that this was a stepping stone & he already has me working on some projects outside of my job.  So I’ll learn the company as the assistant, know the execs, get my hands dirty with some projects, & hopefully be a project manager in just a few years.  It is worth it.

The biggest lesson I learned was that the wrong job can suck the joy straight from life.  & I deserved better.  So if you’re feeling heart-dry & wasted in your career, put yourself out there.  Don’t be afraid to be rejected & to learn & to be patient.  It will be worth it – I promise.

love,
The Girl With The Most Baller Job & Coolest Boss Ever

p.s.  yep, my new boss & company sure do know about my blog.

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Not because the thoughts aren’t there.  They are there, spilling over madly because this blog is the capture of life & oh, life is being lived right now.

The up & down & GO GO GO! of life where I am sitting in conference rooms at 8:30am & shoving a sandwich in at my desk, prepping for the afternoon’s conference call.  A new assignment that has me flattered & overwhelmed, determined to show the boss that yes! I can do this!  The texting of insurance cards & jotting down ideas & making sure we have all the ingredients for dinner & no, Harrison, you cannot have a cookie for dinner.

The epic meltdown occurs & I’m standing there at the end of the day, shoes kicked off & button-down blouse still on & stirring boiling pasta.  I look at him & close my eyes, taking deep breaths & trying out that 1-2-3 magic but on myself.  He is maddeningly two & woke up this morning on a mission to test all the limits.  A piece of me wants to throw up my hands in frustration, but I look back down at him & all I can do is wrap him up in my arms.

He’s here tonight.  My friend Beth is not so lucky as her little boy Keegan went to Heaven today.  Keegan, not three weeks older than my own little boy.

I am undone.  Completely raw for the day in my stocking feet & a little boy who does not understand why his momma is hugging him instead of using the usual exasperated tones at dinnertime.

I put him in bed & pull the red & aqua cover to his chin & I think that I cannot handle Chicka Chicka Boom Boom one more time, but then I remember the momma’s who never got to read it, or who won’t get to read it.  I wonder if it would be silly to ask God to maybe read Keegan Chicka Chicka Boom Boom one night, just to let him know we’re thinking of his momma’s heart?  & so I pick up that board book, starting to show signs of wear after only a few months because it is loved so.

& my heart, showing signs of wear because it has loved so.

So yes, life is spilling over & I am left breathless & awkward in it’s path.

I care.

I care about Christmas & raising my boy right & cancer & infertility, & sometimes I care about the calories in whipped cream. I care about equal pay for women & raising awareness for postpartum depression, & how to properly steam clean carpets when the pup has tracked in too much mud.

& I do what I can to share this part of my heart that cares so much–sponsoring a little boy in Bolivia, walking for the March of Dimes to represent my friend’s triplets that were born too soon, purchasing fair trade coffee, & volunteering with the Ronald McDonald House Charities.

I would love to do more, but there are salaries to be earned to put food on the table, floors to scrub, a child to bathe, & a life that seems to hurdle too fast for me to keep up most days.

So I try to find little ways to help. Dropping a dollar in the RMHC slot when I drive through McDonald’s. Using advertising money to purchase livestock & clean water through the World Vision online catalogue. Little moments of love, stolen during naptime & lunch hours, & those last five minutes on the iPad before bed.

As a momma, I feel it is my duty to not only do my part in helping make the world a better place but to teach my son the importance of caring. To let passion & heart be the driving force behind making a change & changing the world.

& that is what Moms Clean Air Force is doing–using the love of mothers as a catalyst for a better world, by reducing toxins in the air for our children’s health.

What’s the big deal?

Ever wonder why you’re supposed to cut down on tuna during pregnancy? Here’s the short & sweet of it-coal-fired plants emit nasty mercury toxins (plus other junk like arsenic) into the air. The toxins make their way into the air where all that fun stuff we learned about in 9th grade biology happens, like rain & evaporation. This toxic rain contaminates rivers, lakes, reservoirs…you know, where the fishies live. The mercury turns into an even nastier bacteria that seeps into the fatty tissue of the fish. Then we eat that fatty tissue, & boom! 400,000 affected babies are born each year.

Watch this video to hear author and mom, Ayelet Waldman’s story about why she joined Moms Clean Air Force. Her child was almost permanently brain damaged from exposure to mercury in tuna.

Join the Force at www.momscleanairforce.org/join

In March 2011, the Environmental Protection Agency [EPA] introduced a new ruling called MERCURY AND AIR TOXICS STANDARDS. Twenty-one years in the making, this is the first-ever national policy created to reduce mercury emissions from the electricity sector. EPA urgently needs support for these new standards. They will be finalized on December 16, 2011. ~MCAF website

But what is the Moms Clean Air Force’s deal?

Moms Clean Air Force is a nonpartisan, non-profit organization on a mission to strengthen clean air regulations for our health, especially the health of our kiddos.

So, who’s on board with clean air?

The American Lung Association, American Medical Association, American Heart Association, American Academy of Pediatricians, & the American Nurses Association are all fighting for cleaner air through tighter regulations.

What can we do?

Naptime activism! Join the Moms Clean Air Force! When you do you will get information on how you can mobilize and act now to protect children from terrible poisons.

Search the Moms Clean Air Force website for easy access to information and ideas-like writing the President & your Congressman & asking for better standards (hey! they even have a template for you to follow & submit on their site!). Like MCAF on Facebook. Tweet it out. Share your stories. Take small steps to spread the word.

Sometimes, just caring can lead to activism. Caring can lead to change.

I care.

Do you?

The silence is deafening & I begin to resent the silence, to grow weary of it & imagine that He must grow weary of my pleas.  My heart puts conditional love on an unconditional promise & I wonder, have I been wrong all along?

oh, ye of little faith.

& then news comes, the kind of wonderful news that moves mountains & shakes the soul & I hear God whisper, “See?”  & after all these years, I know.  I know that my prayers did not fall upon deaf ears, that I did not plead in vain, & that miracles do happen.  I let the tears & thankfulness fall free.