The topic for this month is bonding with a newborn. Oof. Y’all, I’m going to be honest & say that this topic is knocking me off my feet & leaving me rather speechless because I just don’t remember.
I don’t remember because I was sick & I don’t remember because I didn’t do it, but I’ve come too far to feel ashamed by that confession. I look at new mothers with their babies & the way they smile happily. It feels so warm & I feel this sense of hollowness, like I was robbed or like I missed out. It’s a sense of mourning – a brief, quiet mourning, a sense of loss that cannot be recovered. I’m healthy enough to not let it get under my skin, but the months where I was supposed to literally ache for my newborn are simply nonexistent in my life.
Harrison & I made up for it & we make up for it every day now, so really, I’m okay. I just don’t have tips for how to do it. I don’t have advice on new babies other than hey, talk to someone if you don’t feel that great on the inside & it gets better after nine months. But the things I wish I did, the things I dream about doing differently next time?
Those are the new thoughts that fill my dreams.
Wrapping my new baby in a sling or wrap, close to my heartbeat. Leaning down to sniff the wisps of hair. Kneeling by the bathtub every night & letting the tiny bubbles & warm water wash the day away for both of us. Taking more pictures. Dressing him in snuggly outfits & then settling in for a nap with him. Holding him, always holding him. Telling him how loved he is, how perfect & wanted & oh, so wanted he is. Moments & hours in the nursery, rocking & singing & not caring that it is 3am because I’m rocking my baby.
I hope it will be that way. I hope that motherhood will consume me in the greatest way possible the next time, that I will have tips & tricks rather than just saying, “Hey momma, it’s all going to be okay. You’ll bond eventually.?
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