I try to be all badass Super Nanny but this crazy thing happened once I got all healed & whole & less twisty inside – I cannot bear to hear my child cry. & not in the way that sent me screaming for the shower every night at six months postpartum, but that it feels like my gut has been ripped out & flipped over my head & I’m wading knee-deep in my uterus. THAT is what it feels like when my child cries for me.
So when Harrison starts screaming at bedtime & I’ve told him firmly to get back in bed three separate times, he stares up at me with tears falling & says, “Up!!” oh, my heart.
I find myself all sternly inner-dialoguing how I’m setting us up for failure when he’s three as I make my way to the rocking chair. But then I remember how I’m knee-deep in my uterus & how soon, Harry will be going to sleepovers where he will be embarrassed to ever admit he was rocked to sleep & I can’t help myself. I sit & I rock & tell him stories about the man on the moon until he’s calm. His heartbeat slows & his breathing steadies & I know he’s asleep because that’s the kind of thing that mother’s just know.
He’s drooling on my shoulder. It’s time to put the kiddo to bed, but in his earlier rage, all blankets & pillows ended in a pile on the floor. Which means that I have to get up from the chair & put the bedding back together with 30 lbs of live ammunition on my shoulder. Doug to the nursery, I think into the universe. I wait a few minutes. Hey, buddy. To the nursery for pillow recon.
I contemplate the length of my legs, wondering if I can grab the pillow corner with my toes & toss it into the bed. If I can do that, then I’ll have a legit excuse to run away with the circus. I feel the drool seeping through my jammies. The kid stirs & I freeze & send imaginary red flares into the sky. & I’m all WHY IS HE NOT READING MY ESP?! DOUG TO THE NURSERY! DOUG TO THE NURSERY!
What good is being married almost six years if he can’t read my mind?
I text my husband from the nursery quite often
from now on, I will take my phone in with me!
BA, on nights like this think about moms like me who wish they had their babies back for just one night to be able to do this. I know it’s not much and in those moments it may not help but maybe, just maybe it will…..Thinking of you!
Beth
oh, my sweet Beth. Your heart & ability to think of others always leaves me in awe. Last night, I rocked Harry & thought about Keegan & how much I wished he was still here with us. You are such a wonderful momma.
I tell myself that when he’s a teenager, I will cry, missing the days he wanted so much to be in my arms when then (I’m assuming) he probably won’t even want to talk to me.
And that “Up?” kills me, too. It’s such a clear request. Not simply “pick me up” but more “I want you to hold me because I need my Mommy right now.” I can’t say no (and I refuse to feel bad about it).
My husband once accidentally locked me in the nursery at bedtime with our 5 month old. So there I am crouched on the floor in the corner loud whispering into the heating vent hoping that the sound will carry enough for him to hear me. Fun times
katie …this made me laugh so hard i cried…
and ba – we still have a monitor in our son’s room… and I DO use it as a walkie-talkie on occasion… but when you figure out that ESP thing… i’ll buy it.
omg. i am shaking quietly as to not wake my sleeping child on my lap hahah
If you ever figure out how to train your husband to read your mind you could make millions training the rest of ours (to read our minds not yours of course!)
Definitely second taking your phone with you so you can text him! Very sweet post. There is something so special about rocking a little one to sleep and having them sleep on you. They are so trusting and confident in momma, and that is wonderful.
Sorry but im laughing over here because i have tossed a pillow with my toes hoping for it to land in the crib…LOL…..usually it ends up on the other side of the room! Antonio just turned 2 and he melts me when he cries at night and i come in to him saying “out” ….Im a sucker!
I cannot let my 2yo cry either. I hate it. She so rarely cries that it just breaks my heart too much (I was much stronger with my 4yo because he was a fussier baby in general, so I knew he needed to just cry sometimes). The best thing I do with my 2yo now is that I’ll put her in bed, but then I sit in her rocking chair for a few minutes and just chat and sing to her. She learned not to cry so I’ll stay, and then when I get up and leave, she’s usually ok. Try a gradual approach – it really does work too.
Oh, this has happened to me so many times! I’ll do the whole, psst! PSST! And think good thoughts, but no amount of ESP gets my husband off the couch. Most the time when I return back to the family room I’ll look at him and say, “Didn’t you hear me yelling for you?!”.
I always take my phone with me as I lay with Abby to fall asleep. We’ve got her in a full sized bed so I can just lay with her. It works great and I can sneak out when I know she’s fast asleep. And when she’s on her way to sleep with eyes closed and not facing me, my phone provides me some entertainment. I do a lot of blog reading during that time. Oh, and the twitter too
My hubby is the weakest link in the bedtime chain…he can’t stand to hear our oldest (2) cry because he’s not ready for bed and is in there as soon as the first wail starts. For the first two months after DS2 was born, he and Wesley would both fall asleep on the bedroom floor since he was WAY too big to test the strength of the toddler bed. Now if his repeated trips won’t get the munchkin to settle down and he’s still saying “I awna get out and PWAY,” then he’s calling for help via the baby monitor. A hug, and a kiss and a nighty-night song later, and he’s snug as a bug and my heart melts as I walk out and he says, “night-night, mommy. wuv you.”
I don’t know what it is. I can’t bear his crying. And he knows it. He so clearly knows that I am his sucker. I don’t recall if I was this way with the girls b/c neither of them ever really cried. Seriously. They were so…different from him. And when he wants me to pick him up and he says, “I get up here?” from the floor with those wet eyes…I cannot say no.
I get where you are right now. The past few nights have found me sitting on the floor beside the bed rubbing his head or holding his little hand until he drifts off. And I know. I know I’m setting us all up b/c there will come a time when he will HAVE to go to bed on his own. I hope we all figure it out as we go.
I DO use the baby monitor as a walkie talkie! Haha… I’ve never sure if the other end is on yet, so I whisper into the dark like a half crazed prisoner, “If you can hear this… please come upstairs… I need help…”
I feel like I have a much harder time letting Anna cry now than I did when she was a baby. I vividly remember one morning a few weeks back – she had cried for maybe ten minutes the night before and we had let her cry and she went back to sleep. When I walked into her room, she looked up at me and said “I cried. I was scared.” And my heart hit the floor and I made a promise to myself, no matter how tired I am, to always go to her in the night.
My son has been doing the same thing for the past three weeks. We’ve resorted to sleeping on his floor because we don’t have a rocker and he’s 37lbs. Rocking standing up is impossible. BUT I never go in there without my cellphone for that exact reason.
Abby will be 3 the end of April but we still rock sometimes. There is a good chance she’ll be our only child and before I know it she’s going to be grown so I cherish the moments when I can rock and snuggle her when I can get them! BTW – I’ve totally done the toe pillow toss before or pulled the blankets of the bed back with my foot bc I forgot to do it earlier!
We’ve never done sleep training, but have done some recent (before Christmas)”It’s bedtime and you need to go to sleep” crying with me in the room with her. Usually I rock her to sleep, or she falls asleep with her Daddy… but since Christmas she has NOT been sleeping well, like, at all. We moved her in our room for a little while (crib mattress on the floor at the end of our bed) and just recently got her to sleep back in her room.
For the past month I haven’t pushed it though, because in the middle of her crying she’s going “I scared Mommy!!! I scared!!!” and if she wakes up in her room she is PETRIFIED. We removed the “scary Elmo book” and I keep asking her what scares her…. but she can’t tell me. I absolutely refuse to let my baby be scared and hear her cry for me. So I get her every.single.time. And I refuse to feel bad about it. *I* don’t like to go to sleep in a dark room by myself, and *I* wake up scared sometimes… It makes sense that she does too.
I agree with the previous commenter that said she thinks of all the parents who wish they had just one more night to rock their babies. I know of a few babies that have passed away recently, and I always think of their parents as I rock her to sleep, or struggle with night time issues. Those parents would give the WORLD to be in my shoes, and it helps me from getting aggravated, and usually leads to me saying a silent prayer of Thanksgiving for my baby.
K is like 2 weeks younger than H so maybe it’s a developmental thing?
I work with preschoolers and “up” gets me every time, too, even if they are three years old and getting too heavy to hold for more than a few minutes at a time.
You unapologetically rock that baby. Crying like crazy and flooding themselves with cortisol (stress hormone) ain’t good for ‘em either. Serenity parenting=doing what feels right and good to both of you.
xoxo
I agree with JJ. Rock, rock, and rock some more. And enjoy every single minute:).
“What good is being married almost six years if he can’t read my mind?”
bwahaha I have asked the exact same question – in the exact same situation.
enjoy your snuggles!! they really do get so big so fast…
a.) Rock that sweet baby to sleep as long as he and you want to.
b.) HeyTell is an awesome app for husband fetching.
As I deal with the whole “dance of night-nights” with my little boy of 27 whole months, I do try to stop and think of how quickly time passes, how soon he won’t need his stuffed Elmo or need to hold my hand till he falls asleep…..even though I spend so much time in his room praying, nay, BEGGING God to help him fall asleep……there is nothing sweeter than the sound of your baby’s breath slowing and relaxing. Rock away, BA! You won’t be doing this for much longer. Enjoy!
I agree with everyone that said to keep rocking. Even if you rock/nurse/sleep with your baby for 5 years (and it’s rarely that long), that is such a tiny blip on both of your lives. I’m not advocating masochism, but if you enjoy it, don’t feel guilty about it. I unapologetically cuddle my son and respond to his needs because you know what? One day he won’t need me.
just bring your phone in and text him when you’re ready. Soundless, brightness as low as the setting allows, never fails!
My almost 3 year old daughter does this, too. Except she says, “Mommy, I just wanna hold you for a few while…” in the most pitiful voice. And then I scoop her up – because she’s #4 and our final babe – and let her hold me for a few while. You’re right, it goes too quickly. Enjoy!