I’m really busy these days.
It hits me when I lay down at night & my hips ache so badly & I wonder why I’m so tired. I’m busy.
& I feel like I’m losing out on life.
Dramatic much? But I spend 9 hours a day behind a computer, trying to make sense of my project manager & the boss man’s travel schedule. I spend 2-3 hours per day in my car, trapped in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I get home & throw on dinner, try to soak up time with Harrison, but the moment he is in pajamas I am back the the grind of taking out trash, picking up toys, & making the house presentable just in case they schedule a showing. Just in case.
My one outlet, writing & sharing my thoughts & capturing them on film (albeit roughly), feels bone dry & I can’t help but fear if my lack of inspiration comes from lack of living. My friend Nish often describes her blog as the spill-over of life & I’ve always felt the same – my blog holds all of the emotions & thought processes that I cannot keep to myself. But these days, I feel like I’m on autopilot.
We race out the door every morning; my hair is flying & 75% of the time I have forgotten makeup, so I have yet to capture my attempt at growing my style.
The sun is down when I get home, so every night is a game of chase through the living room or vrooming cars around my ankles while I cook.
We did not take a winter long weekend to the mountains this year due to finances.
I see my friends grow & inspire & be viral & I shake my head at the emptiness of my own journal notes. I’m being left behind.
I have no idea what’s happening with Zooey Dash-a-whatever or the other Kar-dash-a-whatever’s because I don’t have cable. I have now been demoted to Former Pop Culture Princess.
I order clothes & Christmas presents & hell, even groceries online.
Some mothers ache for more interaction & more rigid schedule, but I long for days of a lazier pace & more sunshine with my tiny guy.
I just don’t know how to find it quite yet.
I’ve been where you are, and all I can say is these times in life, they ebb and they flow. It’ll get better – I know you know that. In the meantime, you just have to hang onto your life raft. xoxo
xoxoxo. you always get me, K.
I was feeling the same way…. working mom and trying to sell a house… it is exhausting. The pressure to keep the house clean “just in case” is what can send you over the edge….. sadly, I think being able to work from home is the only safe way to balance it all!! Hopefully after a little more time at your new job, you can see about working from home maybe a day a week… that one day can mean SOOOO much! Even if you don’t have your boy home with you, you can get chores done and spend your nights as a family!
Okay, this is so not the point of this post, but Zooey’s new show ‘The New Girl’ is on Fox — network. It’s seriously one of the funniest shows I’ve ever seen. I recommend it.
You’re adjusting to a new job and trying to do a million other things at once. This time will pass. For you, I hope it passes quickly.
Oh friend, my heart aches for you! Sending you a great big hug!
Just know there’s another Mama in the boat with you….my little man is growing up faster than the pace of our days and I feel left behind and TIRED. I just have to make myself STOP in the evenings and PLAY.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts… I’m sorry things are hard right now, I’m in a very similar situation (and preggo with #2) and most days I feel like I’m running about 10 steps behind. Between work, keeping up the house, playing with my girl and spending time with my hubby I too feel that I’m just treading water and missing out on so much. I know it’s a stage, I know it will get better but gosh, it really sucks. I hope things turnaround soon for you!!
I was with my BFF last night (after she ran the Disney freaking marathon!!) and feeling particularly down about myself. Here I am, chubby with a toddler, putting my professional career on hold, I can’t seem to get my house together, and I am wondering if we should have waited another year or two before starting a family (yep, I just said it!!). It didn’t help that we were watching prebaby videos and all I could see was how much better my house used to be.
So back to my bff’s house. I go to her master bath to pee and her room was a mess. I cannot tell you what a smile it brought to my face. It was incredibly endearing to not walk into a picture perfect bedroom that I envision the rest of the world maintaining. She may get to watch movies without having to pause them 10 times before giving up completely, she may have a marathon on her resume, she may get to bring home a paycheck, but we both have messy rooms.
My point is, you aren’t alone.
Thanks, lady.
(p.s. that wondering if you should have waited another year or two? I think we’ve all done that. I know I have simply from a financial standpoint.)
Hang in there mama. You have so much going on, with the new job, and trying to sell a house. I think life will balance out. You’re doing the best you can, and if it doesn’t feel like enough, rest assured that it is for the time being.
Ditto what everyone else. Definitely the ebb and flow of working mom-hood. Winter seems the worst since it’s dark when we’re done with work. I had some years like that, when my husband traveled a TON for work (at least 50%) and two toddlers and full time job and trying to keep up with friends and family. Those times force us to make choices that make it better.
I completely understand how you feel and can’t even say that I’m there because I can’t keep my house clean and I DON’T have people coming to critique it for a possible purchase, I don’t have a commute and I don’t have the whole “fly out the house” issue.. and I still can’t keep up. can’t. Just can’t. Every night Dan and I have these great intentions “after the kids go to bed we’ll paint the ceiling , stain the trim, watch the movie we rented 6 weeks ago and has just on the paper envelope, do the maritals, sit like grown ups and just relax” and you know what we do instead? We wake up at different times (him 5:30, me 6:30) and he’s already out the door for the day, I’m in automatic “mom” mode until I can get the boys to school and then back into “employer” mode and it’s just, it’s just like being on a merry go round with one foot nailed to the floor.
I feel your frustration. Hang in there.
I always blame this time of year for mine. Any day that is “dark” by 5 pm isn’t really a day at all. Bring on spring already. Please.
Hugs mama! Been there, actually there right now. You are doing a fabulous job of holding it all together, even if you don’t feel like it. I am going to email you a link about being a perfect mom, it’s got some heavy biblical references, but I think your Southern Baptist self will love it
You’re doing great, BA. You’ve got a ton of wonderful new stuff going on, what with the Babble gig, your new job, Doug’s new job… And the house? It will sell. The days of laze and sunshine will come back, believe me. And when they do? You’ll be so ready and so “right there” that there won’t just be a spillover, there will be a flood. And you guys will be happier than ever. Trust me. Just hang a bit more. We’re all right here waiting with you, and cheering you on every step.
you and doug have been through a rough fall/winter. just skipping your weekend away is a big sacrifice, and then add in the keeping the home clean “just in case” is enough to send anyone into auto-pilot.
but the good news is that once you guys have your feet under you again, there will be rest points (like the weekend away) again. and if you don’t get to that point, you know you’ll have to let something go … like the house (just a little bit), or the blog (we’ll still be here–we’re not *that* easily distracted).
and your blog? we love you for your honesty. even if it’s just aching hips and auto-pilot. i’m so sorry you have to be there right now, but it’s really encouraging and refreshing to us all to know that even the amazing beth anne sometimes defaults to autopilot too.
It’s OK BA. I started ordered feminine products online.
And I also do my makeup at work around 10AM in the public restroom more days than not lately.
And my “new” blog, along with the subsequent workout plan, has been sorely neglected as of late.
You ARE busy living life…it’s OK if your online life is suffering because your real life is where it’s at.
You’re just plain awesome, so I know you’ll find a way to make it all work.
‘This, too, shall pass.’
It’s said all the time and is a total cliche, but only because it’s true.
I can’t relate. I’m on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. At home with two babies all day, bored from the lack of adult interaction. I clean all the time because I have nothing else to do when babies are in bed or being entertained by their toys or each other. I despise our rental and count down the days to our new house. I feel like I have the “baby blues” or something despite six months of breezing through second-time motherhood.
But, this too shall pass. And soon? Your house will sell. The pressure will be off, and you and Doug and sweet Harrison will find yourselves in a wonderful and exciting new phase of life. Love to all of you!
It will come and go my friend. Give yourself time to truly get adjusted to this new life, new job, new hours. The creativity and ideas will come back. It happens to all of us. I’m still in a bit of a holiday rut. I’m home 24/7 and can’t seem to find the time to write or come up with some shard of brilliance to put to my blog.
Simply be for now. That’s ok.
That is still me a bit. We had our house on the market last year…after 6 months of constant cleaning and living a spotless life with a dog and toddler, it sold. That is such an arduous process. I drive an hour each way back and forth to work in traffic and when I get home it is the rush of dinner, bath, play, books and bed. At the end of the day I wonder if I really did my best. Did I pay enough attention to my daughter, or was I more worried about the fact that I needed to get that load of laundry done so she could have clean socks tomorrow? Or my poor husband, who I feel is sorely neglected 75% of the time because I am constantly worrying about the rush of life and most nights, fall asleep before my head hits the pillow. It all will eventually shake out and yes, there is a lazy day every once in a while. Just know you aren’t the only one with those feelings!
Oh, a big hug for you. I’m fighting the same thing lately – busy, not sure which is up and which is down. Scared to drop any one thing for any moment for fear that something disastrous is just around the corner. I hate feeling like Autopilot Momma and the guilt that swoops in when I don’t feel like I do good a enough job of getting it all done, soaking it all in, meeting everyone’s expectations. But I know that this is just a season of life, and that I’ll weather it and I know you will too. Hang in there!
I totally know how you feel. I’ve felt this way many times in the past two years. And this fall we went through a similar situation as you. My husband relocated and moved and left me with a toddler for 6 weeks as I tried to list our house (for rent, because we can’t sell in this market) and pack and then move in with a friend for 3 weeks until my contract was over and I could join my husband 13 hours away. It was physically, emotionally, and financially draining. Now I’ve been unemployed for the past two months, but I got a job offer today!
My only advice, and I wish I had used some of my own advice, is to pass as many tasks off as possible. I think your sister still watches Harrison. See if she can make dinner for you all too and you can take it home with you when you pick him up, and/or eat in the car. See if your husband can help more with chores around the house. It sounds like he does a lot but maybe he can do a few more things for you. No one can keep up at that pace. You will make yourself crazy.
The house will sell and you will be able to move for a shorter commute (I had about 1.5 hour commute and HATED ever minute I was away from my son wasting time on the road). But until then something has to give and maybe it just has to be the makeup and homemade dinners. I thought my son would suffer if we had Sonic one more time during our move transition but he didn’t and I didn’t and I held on to a little bit of my sanity. I hope you will try to delegate as much as you can and this doesn’t have to be a time of perfection, in life or on your blog.
I know exactly how you feel. I feel like you do right now and it’s so annoying. I know “this too shall pass” but when you’re in the moment it’s hard to remember that!
I have a toddler (2.5 years old) with another on the way. We just moved into a new house and are currently getting our old house ready to go on the market. I have an hour commute in the morning, an hour at night. I hate. absolutely HATE getting home after 6 every night. My daughter usually goes to bed around 8. I see her for less than 2 hrs a night. I asked my husband the other day, what is the point?? What is the point of having children if I only see them for 2 hours a night and on the weekends??
He assures me we are doing the right thing. But sometimes you let the doubt creep in and it sucks. But it happens to everyone. The best thing my psychiatrist ever told me was that guilt is a useless emotion. Hope it gets better soon for you! Hugs.
Fellow working mama here! I feel for you with that commute! That much time in the car with a toddler would push me over the edge! But you are in the process of changing that negative aspect of your life.so you.are on the right track. I have found that I enjoy being a working mom but things need to be a bit more on my terms than they were pre baby. No long commute, flexibility to work from home when necessary, etc. I really hope the house sells quickly!!
my aunt posted this on facebook today & i thought of you. “the truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. for it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts & start searching for different ways or truer answers.” it’s okay to be stuck, as long as you keep searching for a way out. we’ll be here waiting for you when you’re ready.
after all, i think we (as readers) appreciate the fact that you have a life … your posts wouldn’t be authentic without one.
You aren’t being left behind. If anything, I think there are a ton of people who can relate to this sort of post.
Also, winter kind of sucks with it’s stinginess of daylight hours.
Things will get better on that crazy teeter-totter of life.
This. ALL OF THIS. I get. I have advice on all of it (since I am just a tad older than you
. But not sure you want to hear any or all of it. What I will say is I get it. I’m doing it. And oh yeah, I totally get it.
The hips thing – I find Aleve or store brand Naproxen works best and Voltaren (which is like a muscle rub – comes in a silver and orange bottle). Get hubby to rub it on at night before bed (after you shower).
The rest of the advice… more of a bandaid approach so let me know when you’re ready for it. But please know (because I’m living a very similar life) you are not being left behind, you’re moving forward.
Everything you’ve done, everything you’ve fought for in the last few months is so that you can move forward.
It will come, friend. It’ll come. I’m finally in that place, but now I’m feeling a little bored.
I guess I’m asking for it, huh?
2-3 hours in your car? Dude, you need to sell your house like whoa. A shorter commute would give you a lot more time to spare. I will send out lucky house-selling vibes your way!!!
Oh, and also? Getting left behind? Always. I always feel like that especially when it comes to my blog. I wish I didn’t feel like that but I’m just keeping it real. Most the time I feel like I’m hanging on by a very thin thread. Trying to write things that will make people come back and relate to my words. But feeling like I fall short most the time.
dang do i know how you feel. I’m so in that place right now. I feel like the world is spinning around me most days and I can’t even come up to breathe. Some days I count down the minutes until naptime/bedtime and that breaks my heart. I’m up to my elbows in spit up, diapers and tantrums. Yuck.
It’s just one of those weeks right? We get refreshed some how and start all over?
I think you will find this is the case for almost everyone. I try to do marathons and ironmans in my ‘spare’ time, my girlfriend chooses to do musical theater, you blog. I would love to be a faster racer and I definitely feel lapped by my childless triathlon friends, but I wouldn’t give anything up. I feel like a grinder, but realize the grind is life and who I am. It does get easier as careers progress, but i pulled a lot of all-nighters for work through my 20s to earn the career flexibility I now have. Be patient with yourself!
Wow, I needed to read this! I’m in a similar boat- working 40-50 hours a week, full-time graduate student, husband on swing shifts working 80-100+ hours a week, living on a farm with a 2 year old tornado of a little boy and feeling halfway crazy at the moment. I usually do a good job staying on top of my schoolwork but I’m having the hardest time getting motivated to start my last semester. The end is in sight, but I’ve gotten out of the routine of winter break and can’t imagine how I’ll go back in a few weeks. So, I’ll take a bit of what I’m about to tell you and try to listen to my own advice!
At least for today, just hang on, BA. It’s overwhelming to think about all the things that need done, all the plans that have to come together perfectly to get anywhere…but just for today do the best you can and tomorrow will take care of itself. Your readers love you and want the best for you, so don’t worry about what you think we want to hear or how often we want to read it. Do whatever it takes to get through each day (or moment as the case may be) and know it will get better. Imagine the time- and it WILL come- that you can look back on all this with pride and realize you made it. This too shall pass!
Oh yes, I’m there. Being a working mama is hard and utterly exhausting. Right now, I’m trying to figure out why it is that I put myself through this (and then I remember that we have bills to pay and a mortage to keep up with, so despite the fact that my salary is pretty lousy, it stretches the gap my husband’s does not cover). I find myself reminding myself over and over again that women all over the world are in the same boat as I am, so while this is hard, it is do-able. The comments above this one reiterate that reminder to me. Just keep swimming!
You stirred the pot my friend with all those changes…and with that comes a lot of adjustment…but you know that. It’ll take time to tweak and iron and re-tweak your day. I know it’s hard, but I know that you’ll make it. You’ll get your mojo back.
xoxo
Maybe its time for a new outlet besides writing and sharing your thoughts? Sounds like your blog/writing life has become just another job…..which is probably why the quality has gone down (sorry, but its true). This post just sounds whiny to me, suck it up sister we are all in the same boat.
You are not alone! I could have written this exact post myself. Substitute your two year old lil man for a girl and your job for teaching, throw in a pregnancy and I am with you. I am counting on it getting better. I have followed you since we were on the bump together in my last pregnancy. Your blog is the best…always entertaining and I can always relate.
Big hugs… hoping your house sells soon, that commute time would be a killer for me.
Also… Groceries online? Why don’t I do this??!!
I’m feeling insanely busy lately too, just mentioned this today in one of those catch-all lists that we post when we don’t have time to compose. And P.S. to “Rachel” up above, I’m 27 weeks pregnant + a toddler and I CANNOT TELL YOU how many times I have questioned our decision to have another one right now but that horse has left the gate! Just have to hang on and enjoy the ride.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND IT WILL GET BETTER. You have been through a ton of hard stuff lately but as the other posts have said, it will pass. Things will get better. I am a full-time working mom and went through similar stuff last Spring, rented out our condo, bought a house, and had a baby in the middle of that, plus our 2 year old boy. So I understand the craziness. But things have calmed down and though it’s still exhausting, I somehow manage to try and enjoy the few hours I have with the kids when I get home. My advice – cut yourself some slack. I know the house needs to be presentable, but prospective buyers won’t care if there is one basket of laundry in the bedroom or a few spots on the bathroom mirror. Who cares if dinner consists of buttered noodles or scrambled eggs, as long as your bellies are full. And you are a beautiful young woman – just throw on some mascara at a red light and you’re fine. Give yourself just a few short minutes to yourself each day whether that’s 15 minutes of reading Hollywood gossip online or blogging. And focus on Harrison. When you get home from work focus on his happy face when he sees you, hold him tightly and breathe in that hug, sit him on your lap before bedtime and read a book together, feel his hair against your cheek. Those small moments are what mean the most.
Listen to me sister, or like I say to my Bitzy, “Look at my face!’ You are an awesome mommy. You are an awesome wife. It is OK to feel this way. Feel it, cry if you can, take a bath and a deep breath.
John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Rest in that promise tonight friend.
I haven’t ever commented on your blog but LOVE it and posts like this are exactly why. I feel like you reached inside my gut and took these words straight from my heart. I’m a first-time mom of a beautiful 7 month old baby girl and I feel like because I lack at living, she does too and I feel horribly guilty. Anyway; just wanted to say thank you….you are awesome and I LOVE your honesty.
xoxoxo. I am SURE you are doing beautifully. I think of all the encouragement you & the others give me & I hope you re-read it but directed at you. You are so much bigger & better than you think you are!
Oh I think you should totally come spend time with us over here in Texas. We can be bums at least on the weekends and still have a good ol time lol. I remember the days when hanging out with the amigos and doing nothing was just enough, just right. But these days I find myself putting my guard up and not trusting others because of having been burned one too many times. Yet, when I think about those things I look at my husband and daughter and realize they are enough
I don’t think it’s possible for you to be left behind. You are amazing, my friend. Give yourself some grace … this too shall pass. xoxo
Offff course you are tired, you have a hell of a lot going on! Selling your house alone is enough and then add on a toddler and a mama and dad with new jobs..Things can only get better right?? Hope so!
please. go. to. the. cabin.
i will pack you up myself & drive you there if i have to. that’s what friends are for.
I promise, we will!
Change a couple key details, and I could have written this same entry – y’know, if I could remove my head from my ass long enough to do so. Except it really isn’t in my ass, but it’s functioning about as well as it would up there.
So, yeah. Solidarity, my busy, left-behind, ddrowning-in-life sister.
You have taken on SO SO much lately! You’ve had to, and it’s admirable that you’ve stepped up the way you have. Don’t worry. When life finally does slow down, you’ll be an epic waterfall of inspiration. Take care of yourself!
I’ve been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, why i feel so uninspired to write or take pictures or share and why what i do manage to write feels so flat and one demensional. as usual, you have put everything i’ve been so twisted about into eloquent words, whether you think so or not. it won’t help you to know i am in the exact same boat, with the exact same commute and the exact same longing for some time to just sit back and breathe life back in again, just like it doesn’t help me to know you’re int he same rut that i’m in. i hate it for both of us, and i hate it for our boys. i like to think we’ll feel better when the days get longer and we can play int he sunshine when we come home from work. i don’t know. i just wanted to tell you thank you for writing <3
i’m sorry, friend. i’m sort of living the opposite of your life, which also has its challenges and frustrations. :/ praying your house sells SOON so you can snatch back more hours in your day. xoxo
*hugs* You’ll find it.