I keep killing squirrels.
Not on purpose, of course. But my record has gone from zero tree-rat murders since 1999 to four SINCE EASTER 2011. It’s breaking my heart because I love fluffy animals but it’s like the dude put squirrel bait on my tires at the last rotation.
This morning, I slammed on my brakes & swerved but the little dude slammed on HIS breaks & as I swerved, he darted.
& thus met Jesus.
I, of course, pulled over on the side of the road mid high-pitched “OMG OMG OMG!” with the self-fanning hand wave & then tearfully called my husband because what does a squirrel murderer DO, you know? What higher power does she answer to?
He’s all, “Babe, relax. We live in the South; someone will come buy & pick it up to eat it.”
I’m all, “YOU MEAN VOLTURES & DOGS?! Ewwwwwwwwww.”
& he’s all ::DEEP PATRONIZING SIGH:: &, “Yeah, babe. That’s exactly what I meant.”
An hour later, I couldn’t stand it & went back to see the poor little guy & maybe toss a gardenia on him or something, but he was gone.
Squirrel soup, anyone?
I almost had a ‘head on collision’ with a squirrel this year (I was on my bicycle) and somehow did an award-winning twist-and-turn while the squirrel ran for its dear life.
Definitely one of the most scariest incidents.Ever.
LMAO you crack me up BA!
I read an article about people who do actually eat road kill. Barf! They call it living off the land or something.
All I can say is ewww.
Well I can’t say I have ever seen anyone pick up road kill (although I am sure they do) but my husband’s parents neighbor makes squirrel and raccoon stew on the regular! Of course she gets them both from people who hunt them. I also live in the south (SC). No thank you!
When I was teenager, I hit a bunny just down the street from my house. I could see him twitching in the rearview mirror. I was so distraught – I hated the thought of him suffering. So, when I got home, I asked my younger brother and his friend to walk down the street and make sure he was dead.
He wasn’t.
They came back and told me that he was just lying paralyzed in the road, staring off into space, and every now and then he’d twitch. It’s haunted me ever since. I still think about that bunny every now and then, and feel terrible.
Umm hello, BA! “Roadkill” from Texas Roadhouse has to get it’s name from somewhere! DUH! lol
BTW, I live in WV, so I’m not phased that people actually eat roadkill. I should be, but I’m not. I need to get out of this state. I’ve been here five years and it’s starting to affect me. Dear God, I may be becoming one of THEM.
OH MY WORD … that is HILARIOUS.
If it makes you feel any better, I ran over a whole family of groundhogs this morning…
Bahahahahahahahahahaha.
I am a MENACE to Kamikaze Birds. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of birds that have FLOWN INTO MY CARS GRILL.
My husband hit a rat and/or a large turtle one time. This is still up for debate in my house/circle of friends. We’re not really sure what it was.
I hit a dog once and about had a heart attack, it was a stray and got up and ran off the side of the road. I literally barely tapped it, and didn’t hit it with any wheels, so I pray its living happily by the lake still. Heaven forbid I ever hit a cat, I’ll start hyperventilating right then and there.
2 Christmas’s ago, when Keevia was itty bitty and I still had to sit in the back with her, I was nodding off on the way to the In-Laws. Out of NOWHERE my husband cusses really loud and we hit something HARD. I wake up screaming and panicked and MAKE THE MISTAKE OF LOOKING BEHIND US. We hit a rottweiler size dog that apparently just ran into the road. I could see it still rolling from the impact. It completely tore my husband to shreds and I STILL have nightmares about it.
holy cow, i was driving home from a weekend trip with my girls yesterday & hit a cardinal!!!! dang thing just flew right in front of me, there was no swerving or breaking about it, flew in too fast & its a 60mph country rd with a car behind me… worst part? i looked in my rearview to see if i hit it & saw a poof of red feathers. AHHH!
Squirrels are just rats with cuter outfits.
“& thus met Jesus”.
Hilarious!
I feel your pain, but this made me laugh. This is me. I physically DUCK in my car when a bird even comes near me. Like I forget there is a windshield protecting me. I have slowed down to a dead stop to let a deer pass, and the damn thing ran INTO my car. My dad said if I didn’t stop, it would have gone on it’s merry way.
But three months after I got my new SUV, I hit a deer, in the outskirts of the city. It took out the front end of my car, slid on the icy road, and got back up. Unfortunately the oncoming truck took it out. I cried. Hard. I was coming back from my great aunt’s funeral. And I killed a deer.
Please teach lil Harrison not to make fun of you (or his gf, grandma, whoever) if he’s in the car if/when you hit another animal. My brother did it to me growing up when I hit a chipmunk. I think I would have rather had him throat-punch me instead. Boys are mean when it comes to that stuff!
This might be one of my favorite blog posts ever. The picture absolutely kills me!
I can relate though–I had a while there where I kept hitting bunnies, but obviously my story’s not nearly as funny as yours.
This post made me laugh out loud and want to cry, too–I’m the same way with animals, though we have rabbits around here and suicide bomber birds instead of squirrels.
I snorted when I read “I keep killing squirrels”.
You crack me up!
HILARIOUS! But, umm… you went back?
I had to drive by that way anyhow, so I decided to take an extra turn & see how he was.
I hit a opossum when I was in college and I cried. It was aweful.
They have people that work for the city that just drive around picking up roadkill and tossing it in the back of a truck. Seriously… could you imagine that as a job! There is also usually people who come by to pickup his “load” for the day and take it home to cook it.
My mom and grandpa have been going squirrel huntin’ (sans G makes it more authentic) since I was a kid. Sadly, I’m sure they’ve fed me squirrel soup without me knowing. . . but I’d like to think it’s a small step above scraping it off the road.
Made my evening.
So funny!
The compassion and kindness you felt for this squirrel is touching. How can you reconcile feeling that way for the squirrel and at the same time eat animals that had way more horrific lives and deaths than this little guy? If anyone reads this comment I know by now they will be shutting down on me and labeling me whatever they want, but I hope that you listen. I hope that you listen to me and the little voice inside yourself that recognizes life as precious. I’m not telling you to stop driving your car so you won’t accidentally kill any more squirrels. But I am asking you to think critically about the votes you are making with your dollars.
That was great! Made me chuckle out loud.
At least you’re not a turtle killer… :’(
I hit a cat in university and I practically lost it!!! I was almost home so I kept going, and broke down when I got home. My mom went back and said it was gone, so he must have run off. I had no time to stop, and I wasn’t even going fast!
I totally feel you. It’s not easy.
xoxo
ps – you drive a subaru? We’re looking into buying one… tell me, do you love it?
I LOVE my Subaru. We tested a 2010 Outback & Forester…went with the Forester, all the way. I love all the windows, no blind spots, easy to drive, easy on gas (for an SUV). It also gets amazing safety ratings & is really, really reasonable price-wise.
I am so in love with my car & my husband likes it, too. I think he’s searching for ways to trick me into trading cars with him.
It could have been worse- it could have been a skunk and you would have been sad and stinky! You spared him of a really hot summer.
This post seriously cracked me up, especially the graphic! Thanks for the laugh!
My husband went through a period of time when he kept hitting deer. The last time I was with him and we went flying into a snow filled ditch. We were so far into the snow that I couldn’t open the passenger door and the window was actually level with the window. When I called my dad to ask him to call his friend to tow us to his shop my dad had to get off the phone and call me back because he was trying not to laugh. The deer ran off.
1) Ewww.
2) I’m pretty sure it’s vultures.
3) We have a resident squirrel-killer on our dead-end road. We keep seeing them squished & it’s horrible. But, I did see an opossum dragging a squirrel carcass off the road. That was pretty gnarly.
So, this one time I was driving home from work after a late night meeting and I suddenly saw two friendly raccoons on the side of the road. I think they were in love. And then one of them jumped in front of my car and crrrruuuuncchhhh. I killed the other raccoon’s true love.
I have never gotten over it. That raccoon still hates me, I’m sure.
My neighborhood is like Mission Control for all squirrels on earth. They are like ants on a popsicle here – almost impossible to avoid, so I can so relate! I never go back to the spot of an “incident” for several days though. Yikes!
I accidently hit a bird last year on my way home and walked in the house hysterically crying to my husband.It’s horrible but you can’t avoid everything
OMG! I read this on my phone while covering a Senate committee meeting and nearly spit out my coffee. That’ll teach me. I hit a kitty one time and it was terrible.
I think the most disturbing roadkill experience I have had was not even my kill. I was driving on a rural road when I saw that a deer had been hit. And someone cut off its HEAD! Apparently they wanted a trophy for their wall. SOOO disturbing.
When I saw your post I just had to send you this. My sister showed me this the other night and I thought I was going to die… or laugh… or need a shower (ok all 3). Maybe this is what happenned to your squirrel!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjQ-DBiO894
oh. my. gawd.
BA, you crack me up! I just laughed out loud at your tearful hand-fanning.
There must be something squirrely in the air, because I almost hit one just this morning!
I hit a squirrel once. I clipped it in such a manner that it went flying through the air. It was traumatic for me, as I love squirrels. My dad calls me “Squirrel.” I have a freaking squirrel tattoo on my foot. And my blog? Squirrel in the World.
Love this post, though.
I’ve read your blog for AT LEAST a year and a half and don’t know if I’ve ever commented but I thought you should know that you literally make me Laugh Out Loud. And, thank you for your honesty in this whole parenting/living life thing. Your honesty helped me realize that I wanted to be a Mom (after denying it to myself for far too long); I’m now a happy Momma to a 3-month old baby boy. God Bless!
oh my goodness I would be bawling and Aaron would be laughing.
Squirrels meeting Jesus is the funniest line ever. HAHAHAH
OH MY GOSH, that’s HILARIOUS!! That pic cracks me up!! Because you know, I always thought that Death would drive a Subaru…:)
I am dying laughing here. DYING! Like you would not believe. Between the crazy picture and the tearful mourning on the side of the road. I did that once when I thought i hit a bunny, but then the bunny hopped up and bit my toe while I was on the phone with my husband.
this is hilarious!! i love the description of your reaction – it’s exactly what i would have done! there has been this cute little snail hanging around the courtyard of our apartment lately and yesterday i went outside to find that someone had stepped on him. he was all smashed shell and squishiness. it was a little ridiculous how sad i was.
This post almost made me pee my pants. I loved it.
The YouTube video was priceless……..Holy Shit.
HIL-AR-IOUS.