I’m afraid I’ve been thinking.
(…a dangerous past-time! I know. <– name that movie!)
Let me be frank that this is not a stab at ANYONE. Friends, foe, strangers. There ain’t no harm or hurt feelings anywhere in me right now.
Perusing various social media sites, I noticed a trend of stay-at-home mom’s profiles that both status & employer is “full time mom.” I bristle for a hot second because I get all dukes-up when I think about anyone viewing me as a “part-time mother” just because my family requires me to bring home bacon found both on & off the meat aisle. I saw a link running amok of a play on “If you give a mouse a cookie…” that follows the brain process of a mom; someone wrote “People wonder why stay-at-home moms are tired!” with stay-at-home moms agreeing that THIS WAS THEIR MANIFESTO & I’m all, “Ladies, that applies to me, too. I’m tired, too!”
(actually, I’m pretty sure that applies to all women because my brain’s been running like that since the womb.)
I’m guessing it’s the same stabby knee-jerk reaction stay-at-home mommas feel when someone implies that they don’t work. I also saw something that dug in about “wasted education” & I’m two seconds from sending my fist through that status update because no education is wasted. School is more than learning to send office memos.
The thinking snowballs & I realize that I’m lucky that I have not met my demise by tossing around the term “working mother,” even though I never mean the term as a slight. Because we all work with sweat & blood & tears & frustrations & exhaustion, but in different avenues & different compensations.
I am simply curious – gals that work outside of the home, do you bristle when someone says they are a “full-time mother?” Stay-at-home moms, does the term “working mom” make you feel stabby?
Do you feel silly internalizing it this much & thinking about something that honestly doesn’t matter, as long as the kids are alive & there is food on the table? Because maybe, if we didn’t get so butt-hurt over who-said-what on Facebook or a blog, we would be one step closer to ending the mommy wars?
My take on it: Stay-at-home mommas, write that you’re a “full-time mother,” as long as you don’t see me as part-time. & I promise that while I call myself a “working mom,” my hat is still off to you for the guts it takes in your profession.
o
Warning: All douchebag remarks will be removed with zero hesitation or apology. Mud-slinging & name calling? Leave it in the sandbox. Act like adults, okay?
I am a stay at home mom, and I don’t get butt-hurt over any of the working vs staying at home mom debates. We are all moms, which in and of itself it a difficult, exhausting, hair pulling, tearful, and rewarding job. We are all FULL TIME moms, being a mom doesn’t get put aside for an office.
Amen.
Beauty and the Beast…Gaston and La Foo (sp).
All I have to say is that I am jealous of SAHMs because I hate my job…
Beauty and the Beast! And I don’t call myself anything
..when people ask what I do, I just say that I stay at home with my kids. Then, if they press the issue, I just respond that I know I’m very lucky to have the opportunity.
Love it.
It’s funny, when folks ask me what I do, I respond with my job title & not that I’m a “working mom.” But I have found that on my blog, on Twitter, on Facebook, I tend to toss around “working mom” pretty easily.
I’m glad you said the bit about “wasted education.” We just found out we’re pregnant, & I’ve always wanted to stay at home with my kids. We can financially afford it if we’re careful with our money, but I keep having that nagging voice going “Well that was a waste of 4 years of college if you’re not going to do anything with it!”
Of course, I’ve been working & using that education, but if I have the opportunity (financially) to stay at home, I can’t pass that up!
I think everyone’s built to do different things– some like to work, some have to work, and all of it is legit, so long as someone good is taking care of the child!
Bristle? No, not at all. I definitely still consider myself a “full-time mother” even though I do daycare drop-offs daily. Roll my eyes? Yes. And that is simply because I think the actual title is a bit silly. If you (general “you”) are a SAHM, own it! Rock your playdates! Relish in being able to take a naptime for yourself! Bake the shit out of some brownies! But don’t slap a title on there so you can feel justified in not going to an office everyday.
Signed,
Working Momma
I’m not a mom, but the other day a girl on my FB list posted this:
“I would rather be a poor stay at home mom than have the best of everything but never see my children. Some people need to rethink their priorities in life.”
It really rubbed me the wrong way. No mom, whether she works or stays at home should be made to feel bad about her choice. People need to do what is right for their family.
Beautifully said.
& on the opposite side, face-punches all around to anyone who says that they’d rather work then waste their education.
Beauty and the Beast! Just did that musical, and I was already singing the song before I saw your addition
Please fix the first sentence of your post.
This is what happens when you write & write & delete & write & delete & make sure you’re not being an asshole.
You miss important words. Thanks for the head’s up!
Hmmm… I would say that, as a SAHM, hearing the term “working mom” doesn’t make me feel stabby, though if I worked outside the home being called a “part-time mom” would turn me incandescent with rage. Weird double standard I guess, but I guess it’s because I DO feel like I’m not using my education fully and that work outside the home is, well, work work. I guess that’s because raising my boy may be my job, but I don’t consider it work.
I’m all at once a full time mom & full time worker. I do feel a little like some SAHMs pull a superiority complex like they have compromised so much more than me for the sake of their kids & that bristles me a little.
But in the end, it really is a personal choice. For real.
SAHM didn’t work for me. I’m better as a working mom. My kids don’t get more or less of anything because I am- it’s really what works for us. No approval required.
While I stay at home full time, I’ve never called myself a full time mom. That’s like saying I’m a full time (or part time) human. Makes no sense to me.
My mom both worked full time and stayed at home full time during different stages of my life. Because of that I feel like I have seen the hardships on both sides, even if I haven’t worked outside the home since my girls were born.
I get stabby when moms who work outside the home tell me I have it “easy”. Like because I stay at home, my house always stays clean, dinner always gets done and it’s like a fairy tale 24-7. Sure, it might be easier for me to do laundry in the afternoon since I’m at home, but being the only person for 10 hours a day to deal with tantrums, fulfill my kids’ every single need and not be able to pee in peace isn’t very easy.
I just smile and realize that people just want to make their situation out to be harder than yours to validate themselves. Ultimately we all have hard jobs, and no life can be compared to the other, because there are too many circumstances at play to make that kind of a call.
well said!
Sometimes it bothers me to see SAHMs put “full-time mom” as their status. Sometimes. But honestly, it depends on the mom in question.
Because I’m a full-time mom, too.
I don’t stop thinking about Joshua when I’m not with him.
As a stay at home mom, the only thing that gets me really miffed is when people assume that because I am a stay at home mom, I’m always free to come to their beck and call, that all I do is hang out on Facebook all day or that I have no schedule and am at their disposal. Being a SAHM is exhausting, and I think back to when I worked outside of the home as well, and I can’t imagine how I did it. I think that both take a special breed of woman. For me I feel like the fit was better when I worked outside of the home. It allowed me to cherish the time that I had with my kids more, whereas being with them all the time often feels like I’m always frustrated with them, but for us, with the cost of daycare, and what I was capable of bringing in as my salary, it was more financially responsible TO stay home. There is definitely a balance to be struck.
I work part-time and stay at home part-time. No verbage that any other mom suggests bothers me – it’s my own HUSBAND who suggests that he is more tired than I am because he “worked” all day, when I “stayed home and played with the baby”. Because, obviously, the laundry did itself. Then I kick him in the crotch.
dead at the last sentence. best one ever.
I don’t come across that term, thank goodness. I find that when discussing the whole stay home v. work debate, it’s all about the tone. Tone says everything.
Does anyone bristle at the passive-agressive phrase “I don’t know how you do it.” Ugh that one gets me. Oh, oh and the other day someone actually SAID they felt sorry for me b/c they know I would like to stay home awhile with baby #2 on the way.
PS- I am reading the book LawMomma recommended a little while back “Good Enough is the new perfect” and I am enjoying it very much.
xxoxox- your CA pal
oh, I so agree with you on tone.
“I don’t know how you do it!” in an admiring tone that means you at least seem like you have it all together & are very comfortable & happy in your decisions? LOVE THAT.
“I don’t know how you do it!” in an exasperating tone that implies your kids are brats & you must be sweating at the laundry machine all day to be the slave of your husband’s bank account? BURN.
Meh. I don’t really care. But you’re probably not surprised by that.
Were you diggin around in my brain? Cause this is exactly what’s been on it lately. As a mom of a 9-month-old boy who works 40+ hours a week outside the home, seeing “full time mom” on FB pages does get to me. Maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe if I were someday to quit my job I’d want a term other than “SAHM” which, in some circles, carries negative connotations and invokes images of smug, brainless women prancing around in bubble gum pink Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Maybe as a woman who has a bachelors and a minor and seven years experience in my field, I’d somehow feel as though I needed a title that doesn’t include the words “stay at home” to justify my choices as I resist the urge to wear a sign that says “I WENT TO COLLEGE! I SWEAR! I USED TO WEAR HEELS EVERY DAY AND HAD A PHONE EXTENSION AND BUSINESS CARDS AND A MEETINGS WITH IMPORTANT GROWNUPS! I CHOSE THIS, IT DIDN’T CHOOSE ME!” Again, I don’t know. All I know is that for right now, I feel like I’m working overtime, all the time, in order to take care of my son and to ‘provide’ for him in ways that don’t just include breastfeeding him and changing his diaper (even though I do that too) and to see something that suggests that I check my title of “Mom” at the door to my office seems downright ridiculous.
YES!!!!!! I love this comment.
Exactly everything I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words.
Sometimes I feel like I have to justify why I am a SAHM and why I’m not “working”.
I do think I get a little teeny bit grumpy/quick to reply when someone asks where I work or what I do for a living.
What bugs me most, is when someone thinks I shouldn’t be tired or shouldn’t get to complain since I get to stay home all day and sleep in and stuff. Uhhhhhhhhh, dude, you be at home with two kids 19 months and under for 24 full hours by yourself and tell me you’re not tired and would like a break.
I definitely couldn’t be a working mom. I do think working moms work so so hard because they have to be a SAHM and a working mom at the same time, you know?
Anyways, I don’t really care about arguing between the two, since I know BOTH are hard, but when someone who DOESN’t have kids looks down on my decision to be a SAHM, it bugs me.
Beauty and the Beast!!
And here’s my two cents… as an attorney we are actually told that when we ask what a woman “does” we are to phrase it as “Do you” or “Does your wife work… outside the home.” Because all wives and mothers work inside the home; some only work inside the home and some work both inside and outside the home. Both are equally tough. Both have their perks and draw backs.
But yeah, when someone tells me they are a full-time mom, I say “me too!” And if they say “Oh, I thought you were an attorney?” I say “Yeah, that too!” Because I am most definitely a full-time mom. I just happen to work outside the home as well.
I am default stay at home mom. By this I mean I was not meant to be, I dont mind it but I personally dont feel like I do anything myself. I am college educated and had a decent job before my son got brain cancer at 7 1/2 months. I have seen both sides and view each equally hard and I am not just saying that to be complacent. It was hard when I was working because I never felt like I had the energy to devote to him after work much less clean my house.
My stay at home mom view may be skewed in that we spend the majority of our time locked in our house or at the hospital but its pretty tough mentally.
When it comes down to to it we are all jugglers. What we are juggling may be different but we have the mom “ball” in common.
Beth, you are an absolute super-mom & I adore you & Keegan. You’re doing beautifully.
There are several things that make me roll my eyes.
One I will admit to is women willing to sacrifice pretty much everything and looking down on those who don’t. I don’t just work to “survive” I work to buy nice things for myself and my family and don’t need to feel guilty about it.
I am a working mom. Those statuses or employer statements don’t bother me. BUT I feel I am a full time mom as well. I am working during the day… but I am still a mom 24/7.
This can sometimes make me feel a bit stabby, but let’s just change the terminology a little bit. Is full-time MOM and full-time JOB interchangeable? Because I don’t think they are- they’re two completely different things.
It chafes me when I ask, “Do you have a full-time job?” And the reply is, “Well yes, I’m a stay at home mom to two young kids, so that IS a full-time job.”
Um, no. Not what I was asking. I leave the presence of my child for a full 70 hours a week to bring home the proverbial bacon. That is a full time job.
If I was a stay-at-home mom then no, I don’t have a full-time job. Doesn’t mean a SAHM is not busy. I know 100% how much energy and time it takes to be a SAHM, but she technically doesn’t have a full-time j.o.b.
How can someone even say, “I’m a full-time mom.” Isn’t every mom a Full Time Mom? That doesn’t even make since…
I really dislike that we all feel the need to justify our decision about whether or not we stay at home or work. It just drives me crazy….but the thing that I have the biggest issue with is that many mothers seem to (for some ungodly reason) think that our way is the best way and anyone that does something different is not doing the right thing.
It’s not just about the working mom or stay at home mom thing, but everything…vaccinations, homeschooling, spanking vs. not spanking. We are so quick to pass judgement on each other that it is ridiculous. I wish instead that we would accept that some people make choices that are different than our own choices and just support each other. It would make things so friggin’ much easier.
Stop trying to convince each other that our way is the right way, stop attacking each other, and offer support. We all love our children and want to do right by them and that should be what unites us, not what divides us.
ETA: Ditto Mrs Cline.
Sometimes it’s my hubby who says that he shouldn’t have to give the baby his bedtime bottle because he (hubby) has to go to bed since I get to sleep in. Or like I shouldn’t need a break because I don’t really work.
To him I say “Does someone at work follow your every step? Do they come with you to the bathroom? Do they demand a bite of everything you eat? Do you have to listen to kids’ music all day? Do they cry and scream when you get up to leave a room? No? I didn’t think so.”
As a small slice of understanding that, sometimes when I get home in the evening I am tempted to kick Nate in the crotch for talking about how tired he is & Harrison’s shrieking with glee at the dog & the whole house is erupting. Because I just spent an hour in the car alone with either a) Curious George on repeat or b) kids music on repeat or c) a screaming toddler.
& I want to be all, “POUR MY GLASS OF WINE FIRST.”
I think this whole issue is just like every other issue out there. There are nice people, and then there are assholes.
Some SAHM are assholes and some WM are assholes. I have a sweet friend who stays with her babies all day and we have no qualms. But I have a cousin who stays home and grills me about why I ‘don’t just quit because it’s pathetic to pay somebody else to raise your kid’. THATS when I get stabby. I don’t ask moms who stay home why ‘they don’t just get a mother effing job and leave the child rearing to professional day care organizations.’ That would be an asshole thing to do. But there are WM who do that.
Meh. I am really not bothered by the working mom vs stay at home mom debate. I work full time and sometimes it does suck to know that I only spend about 2 and a half hours a day during the week with my daughter. But we have no other choice financially, and honestly, even if we had the money I still think I would choose to work. I like working and it works for me, DH and DD. What anyone else thinks/says/does is their business.
I only work 3 days a week.. so am I a part time worker and 3/4 time mommy??
Really though, I think the term “full time mother” is ridic. EVERY mom is a FULL time mother. “Stay at home mom”… now that is a better term for mommas who don’t work outside the home.
Just my 2 cents.
I have been on both sides. I worked until my oldest was 5–hes now 6 and then started stayinh ome when my 3rd was born almost 2 yrs ago. I consider all moms a full time mom because just because you go to a office it doesnt mean you arent still a mom. you still wonder if your kid is okay and happy etc… i love staying home with my kids and feel lucky that my husband has a salary that allows me to do so, but some moms like to work outside the house and that is fine as well with me.
I work part time and feel stuck in the middle of this “debate” all the time. I only work 2 days a week, and I’m home 5. The exact opposite of a mom with a full-time job, but I’m not a SAHM either. I feel pulled from both directions, so nothing offends me too much because I feel like I don’t belong to either “group”! As a mom you make sacrifices starting the moment you see that positive test (well, as a good mom anyway!). As long as everyone in the family is happy with the choice that was made, its not for anyone else to judge.
I do feel slighted by the full-time mom title…I am a teacher and I often get the “oh you get summers off” remarks…you only work 180 days…what does that make me then…I have to defend my career and my mom status?
I absolutely LOATHE when the implication is made that I don’t “Work” all day. As I put it to others, you leave your job everyday. You shut off that part of your brain. I never leave my job. 24/7/365 I’m at work.
Even my husband is guilty of it on occasion when he’ll get home and inquire why XYZ isn’t done. I have to keep myself from flinging a list of every baby related free-time draining thing I was involved in that day (Well, she is cutting molars, so she was supremely fussy, or she refused to nap, or she was a Tasmanian devil destruct-o child, etc.)
I think this is a debate that will continue as long as motherhood does, unfortunately.
I was all hyped up to get in on this one. But really all I want to say now is to Beth, from one Mommy to another, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Working, stay at home, college educated or not… all of us love our children fiercely and never want to see them ill and suffering. You will be in my prayers.
Beth is amazing, isn’t she?
What I think is crappy…is when you work with people who don’t understand that you want/need to work for your family BUT that you want/need to ALSO be there for your family. I hated the eye rolls I got when I needed to leave early for an awards ceremony or something for my kiddo.
However, when I decided to step away from the cubicle to stay at home with my twins, I got applause from those same people. It was like they wanted me fully committed to work or my kids. I think some people don’t understand the heart tear you feel sometimes when you cannot be in the classroom for the parties. It’s all about balance. And it is not always easy. FIguring out a way to excel at work and at home is a lot of mental work. Never underestimate that!
I quit my job last year because it made sense not to work to pay daycare for twins…BUT I have never considered my 6 years of college and graduate school a waste. One day it will be useful and it helped to get me to where I am today. I am a SAHM….but am equally as exhausted as I was as a working mom…and some days more exhausted than when I worked. Being from the working world and entering the SAHM-World…I feel no better than any other. Happy for the opportunity but not thinking it is bragging right material…if you know what I mean.
Oh…and play-dates are not for the kids – they are so I can get some social interaction from adults my age. haha! : )
I agree that it’s awful when you skip out.
With Nate now working a solid 45 minutes away, it’s completely up to me for pick up & drop off. I had a coworker get ticked that I couldn’t cover an after-work activity for him because there’s nobody else to pick up Harrison. Or a client that got miffed when I passed her to my coworker because I couldn’t stay past 5pm.
Hopefully it won’t be forever, but for now, that’s reality.
If you’re a mom and do what you’re supposed to do in the mommy role then you are a full-time mom, whether you have a paying job or not.
I don’t get butt-hurt over the working mom vs. sahm mom debates. You’re a mom no matter what you do. Just do it right, feed the kid, love them, and keep them happy, safe, & alive.
Love the Beauty and the Beast reference <3 my favorite!
I don't let any of this bother me, to be honest. Working or stay at home, we're all mamas just doing the best we can for our families. That's all that matters.
Yes pleeaseeee fix your first sentence!
Andd… I stay at home with my little boy and little brother and it makes me so mad when people say I don’t work. I do work my butt off everyday cleaning my house and raising my children. (Not that working mothers don’t raise their children…) I don’t get to sit around and do what I want to do all da, nor do I have playdates and get coffee with my other SAHM counterparts. In order to stay at home, I can’t be driving back and forth and around town all the time!!! I am beyond blessed for being able to live this way, but know that everyone comes from different backgrounds and circumstances and working mothers just have different obstacles and challenges to over come. We are all dealt different cards in life and shouldn’t judge for the decisions we make, that we feel are best for our own families!
I am a work from home mom and sometimes people think that that means: a) since my office is in my home, I don’t really work very hard. b) I can also take care of all of the household duties since I am home anyway.
None of these things are true. I work really hard and have to constantly prove to my bosses that I can deserve to work from home – there is no slacking off for me. My time management is always very important. This is why I quit caring when people would side eye me about having a cleaning service 2x a month.
I think in general, just being an adult is hard and we don’t need to add additional guilt to someone else’s plate by trying to make them feel inferior because they have chosen a different lifestyle for themselves. Intentionally or unintentionally, we have all been guilty of doing this in one way or another. While we should watch how we phrase things to other people and about other people, we should also watch how our defenses come up and why they are coming up. I have noticed that I am more defensive about some choices I have made in my life than I am about others. In some cases, I feel I have to be more defensive because it feels as though I am being judged by a person or society, so I feel like I have to over explain my reasoning for why I feel the way I do. I think it is all a part of growing and maturing. Things that got me worked up as a mother when my son was 5 are different than now that he is 12.
Ramblings aside – good post!
Being an adult is really hard.
Remember how “hard” we thought it was being 14? CAKE. WALK.
Some days the SAHM/D=”full time parent” thing ruffles my feathers, and other days not so much. Sometimes I feel like saying, “So when your kid starts Kindy then you’re also going to be a part time parent?” Of course not. But the older my son gets the more I don’t really care.
I don’t even understand what “full time mom” even means. Anyone who is a mom does it full time. When did the term “stay at home mom” become so offensive or taboo?
When asked what we do, why can’t we just say, “I work at XYZ company” or “I stay at home with my kids”
Ta-da…..easy as that.
BA, this is the day I would like ‘thumbs up/down” or “like/dislike” buttons on your comments because I’m really liking what I’m reading from all these lovely mommas. All being respectful of others choices.
The theme to everything in life needs to just be LIVE AND LET LIVE.
I know, right?!
I’m a SAHM, but I blog, so I’m technically not wasting my degree in print journalism.
Right. Heh.
Anywho, to answer your question – I don’t care how others want to label my occupation. Formally, I write “unemployed” on paperwork (x3 – why can’t they copy that shit?). In conversation – I’ve always said I’m staying at home with my babies but was a journalist in my former life (the question is usually, “What kind of work do you do?” or something like that).
I’m a mom, a lover and a fighter and I’ll knock another out.
Oh, wait. I’m not Salt N Pepa.
I’m sorry, I can’t finish reading your comment because my head just exploded at the idea of filling out pediatrician shit three times.
I am a SAHM for now, I go to college online. This fall I will begin an internship and it is breaking my heart to leave my baby girl. She is nine months old and I have only been away from her for short time periods (2-3 hours is the longest).
While being a stay at home mom is exhausting the idea of being a working mother is terrifying. My hat is off to any mother that works, being away from your children is (for me) hard. Working mothers are brave women & certainly FULL TIME MOTHERS!
I get much more flak now that I stay at home with my 3 kids, one on the way ( 2 are in school), then I ever did when I worked 12 hour shifts. The flak and nay sayers are solely women with such statements as “must be nice”, or “how can you stand that” , to the ballsy “do you think your kids will respect that later in life for a female role model”. I honestly was envious of women that were able to stay home, but afraid of getting bored when I was working my ass off and still doing everything. This always ruffles feather but being a great mother like I wanted suffered it just did flat out, I could not work 12 hour surgical pediatric shifts and give to my house, husband and children what I do now. Working mothers are much more harsh in what I have seen on the stay at home mothers and being on both sides of the fence I never realized the backbone of my comments in this particular conversation before. There is a lack of respect for other women’s decision in either regard and many feel it an insult to their choice and take the talk personal. It needs to be more about listening and support in stead of choosing what is right or wrong.
That was so well said! I just had a similar conversation with another SAHM recently. I’m a SAHM right now, but I’ve gone back and forth a couple of times and am totally aware that both avenues require sacrifice, determination, and hard work.
I think every mom wants to be given credit for taking the approach they feel is the best approach for their family. I don’t really understand Why many moms can’t recognize that every person, family, financial situation,and child are completely unique and what works for one mom does not necessarily work for another.
To answer your question, I don’t get upset by the “working mother” categorization generally. I do remember someone getting upset over the “full time mother” thing and not understanding why they would feel that way, but I get it now. I would never, ever suggest that a woman who works is a part time mother, just like I don’t see my husband as a part time father.
Maybe we should just stick with the old time terms like housewife or homemaker, which is really more accurate considering a stay at home mother does not center the ENTIRE day around her child.
I don’t know where I stand. I am a WAHM. I do computer consulting from home. I have no office. My employers live in CA, I am in Michigan. I work about 45 hours a week, in my living room. So, while I am home with my kids, my brain is not. Luckily, my youngest is in kindergarten and I can work all day while they are in school, but I still struggle. I have to stop my “work” and do laundry and dishes. BUT, the raw end of this deal is this……..I work at home, which my husbands sees as me “staying home” so I get no help with any of the household chores. It is all on me. It has also been 4 years since I sat and watched a movie with him at night, because I am still working when the kids go to bed. He gets to leave the office at 5. I never leave the office so I have no down time. I am always at work, whether it be on the computer or household chores. I even have to take my computer with us when we go on vacation. We went to Disneyworld in February. When we came home at night from the park, I would put the girls to bed and work for a couple of hours. While he can relax with an adult beverage and watch TV. I know how BLESSED I am to have it both ways, but some days, I just wish I had an office to go to so I would not have to stop between taking care of my clients to fold laundry. It is such a hard balance.
I had to go check my profile to see what I wrote! lol. I did write full time, but I didn’t even think of it that a working mom is part time. I’ve been both, and both are HARD. However, being a working mommy has just as many, if not more challenges. I can grocery shop pretty much whenever I need to, when I was working, I had to buy everything for the week at once, and it was BRUTAL. There was no time in the evenings to pick up what I needed. I am still nursing my 19 month old and that means I have to be here at or near bed time. I’m still torn about working vs. staying home. I was happy working (except the living with inlaws part) but I am happy staying home. Being a mom, working or otherwise, is just plain tough at times, and women need to show some understanding to each other instead of acting all high and mighty and acting like its not hard. When a close friend called me after I had my son, the first thing she asked about was labour, then she said, and hows it going with the baby? And then she said, you thought labour was hard right? She put it perfectly.
Thanks for this BA. I don’t want to offend anyone by my job status, and never thought of it this way.
“I would rather be a poor stay at home mom than have the best of everything but never see my children. Some people need to rethink their priorities in life.”
Omgosh, really?! Because not me! I would rather work and be able to buy whatever the f*ck I want than stay home in my sweats all day wiping snot and having a screaming kid hanging off my leg. I mean I love my daughter and I can’t imagine my life without her, but I would go crazy if I had to be home all the time. Whenever I have an unplanned day off I feel like a waste of life sitting around my house, haha.
But I agree, the terminology is a little screwy. And if you’re a stay at home mom, you don’t have a full time job. I agree with Laura totally. Every mom is a full time mom, end of story.
I’m a working mom and I honestly can’t imagine being a SAHM. I crave the adult interaction and feel like I’m a better mom when I get the chance to be Liz for a while and not mommy. I can come to work and talk politics, sports, news, etc. and not worry about waking a napping kid or needing to fix a bottle.
I also know that what works for me doesn’t work for everyone else. If you are a SAHM and it’s working for you, then great, but don’t belittle my choice to be a working mom. I also don’t think it’s my place to make a SAHM feel bad about wasting her education, sitting around all day, or any of the other SAHM cliches I’ve heard.
Can’t we just all agree that both are hard positions to be in?
I’m consider myself a stay-at-home mom, and I don’t find either term offensive. The bottom line is that we are all mothers and we all changed the day that we gave birth. Each has a personal decision and is doing the best that she can.
I chose to leave my job to stay home with my baby boy and I am so happy that this is my life. But just like every baby is different, so is every mama. Great thought-provoking post!
I do not think that a working mother is less than a full time parent in anyway, shape or form. As a stay at home mom, I would never call myself a full time mom as my job title. Because regaurdless, being a parent is a full time job. Whether you work at home, outside the home, or in the home. Being a parent is a tough job, it makes us all tired, and extremely exhausted at times, cranky, stressed and of course fills us with happiness and joy. Strings of emotions is what this “job” includes whether we like it or not. No one person is entitled to a higher “job” title when it comes to parenting.
I was just thinking on this topic the other day. A friend of mine who stays home with her kids mentioned that she works 24/7 as a stay at home mom. Well no shit all mom’s do! What do you think, I’m vacationing while I’m at work!? I love working moms and I love stay at home moms. Why can’t everyone realize we both have it hard?
I am a SAHM of 2 girls under 2 and I have noticed these same comments and it kinda irks me too. I actually noticed a commercial for an energy drink stating that “full-time moms” need more energy. My comment was all moms are full-time whether they are at home or in the field. I think no matter what the circumstance we are all tired and overworked and would jump at the opportunity of a day at the spa. Both sides make sacrifices to do what needs to be done and no one is better than any other in my eyes. I have a ton of respect for working moms because they have to deal with the jerks of the outside world then come home and be everything for their baby or babies.
As someone with an unbiased opinion because I don’t have kids, I think the term, “full-time mom” is absolutely ridiculous. And a bit of a slap in the face. Full-time stay-at-home mom doesn’t bug me, though, leaving out the stay-at-home part does. Just because woman A. puts on heels and goes to work 8 hours a day and woman B. doesn’t, does not make B. any more of a mother. I dare anyone to suggest when A. walks out the door in the morning, she shuts off her mommy brain for the next 8 hours and totally forgets that she even has a child. Every mother is a full time mom, working or not.
Having said that, I have utmost respect for stay at home mother’s, because if you can do it and do it well, more power to you. As a nanny, I know when I have children I will never be able to be a full-time stay at home mother. I would go nuts and definitely not be the best mother I know I could be if I don’t work out of the home at least a few days a week.
As for a wasted education- it bugs me to no end when people say they wasted their degree, or SAHM’s wasted their time in college. Like you said, education is NEVER a waste. I have a degree in journalism that I will never use because I want to be an RN. Did I waste four years getting my BA? Uh, no. I learned a hell of a lot more in those four years than just proper AP style and technique.
Regardless, why is there this battle between working and stay-at-home mother’s? Shouldn’t we just be supportive of each other and encourage one another to do what works best for them and their family? What’s right for one, isn’t right for everyone, and that’s what makes the world go ’round.
Like others, I work part time. This means only that my kid gets dropped off at daycare at the lovely late hour of 9 am, then picked up at 4:30. I do this for my own sanity. I like to work and I love my job! I’ve stayed home with Jake as a stay at home mom before and while that’s awesome in it’s own way, I’m glad he gets to be around others and get to chill with the kids at daycare. Either way-Stay at home, work for an employer all day- it doesn’t matter. I’m his full time, one and only mama and that’s all I care about. If you do what works for you and your family then it’s all good.
I am a SAHM but admire WMs too. My (single) mom worked 3 jobs, and while I credit my grandparents for helping raise me with as much time as I spent on their watch, I in no way feel my mom was anything but a complete MOM to me!
I get most upset when people say I can’t whine about lots to do or a cranky son because “at least [I] get to stay home with him,” as if life is all sunshine and rainbows because I don’t work for money outside the home. Or others say “that’s what you get for having kids.”
I admit that I use my status/tweets to feel out others’ relatability to my day, good or bad day, but I make it clear that parenting is what is hard, regardless of the who, how, whats!
I hate feeling so judged for every decision we parents make!
What about us work from home moms? What kind of title do we get?
I believe all of it is ridiculous! We are all moms whether we stay home, go to some where to work or juggle both at home. We need to support each other and stop tearing one another down.
I always find the whole SAHM VS. WOHM debate funny. If you are a mommy, you are doing the best you can for your family no matter what your job description is. I don’t hate on those who choose to bottle feed over breastfeed, work outside the home or stay at home, etc. etc. I never get riled up over terms because they are just that. Personally I think most SAHM’s who get angry when people suggest they dont work are just being silly, and I am a SAHM. I don’t have to explain what I do/don’t do to anyone, as long as my family is happy. Same goes for those mommies who work outside the home.
I think it’s all a little ridiculous too. And it sounds like your thinking is moving you towards that thought also.
Moms who work outside of the home have tons to do and, I assume, all kinds of mommy-guilt. They have pressures and timelines but they also have tons of adult conversation.
Moms who work inside the home have tons to do to, and definitely, all kinds of mommy-guilt. They don’t often get a break, they are subject to whining and fighting and no-napping all day every day but they also get to do fun stuff when they want…and they don’t have to ask off for vacation!
Kinda seems like if we all just did our best, worried about our families and could stop comparing ourselves to the other moms, we could make comments about how tough, OR how awesome things are and people could just take it for that…not as a personal attack.
Women need to stick together and stop the nonsense that goes on. We all work hard to be good people, good wives, good employees, and good mothers.
We all wish we had more time for something. We all wish we were better at something..maybe mothering, maybe working, maybe juggling the two.
I am a stay at home mom. I work full time as a mother. Those that work also work full time as a mother. No one goes to work and simply forgets about their kid. We all worry about our children, their future, etc.
I am thankful to stay home now. I will be thankful when I go back to work in a few years. There is so much to be thankful for, that I don’t have time to worry about my title or yours!
We are all blessed to be mamas in this life!
I’m a SAHM & I don’t think I’ve ever called myself a full time mom. Any mom who’s not “full time” is clearly not fit to be a parent.
I think the grass is always greener on the other side. I like to imagine that because other moms work out of the home that they come home to clean house and happy kids who’ve had naps and playtime somewhere else… but of course I know better.
Surely there are moms who think I get everything done, lay the kids down for a nap, and sit around eating bon-bons all day.
The simple fact is that sometimes we all like to think we have it a little harder than others… makes us feel like a super mom. haha
That being said, I have the utmost respect for all full time mommas… whether they’re SAH, WAH, or work out of the house!
::horror face:: You mean you don’t eat bon-bons all day?!
truth: I don’t honestly know what a genuine bon-bon is, but I imagine it to be a really fancy miniature cupcake. Kinda.
I get all kinds of stabby at the full time mom thing – and I’m a SAHM.
I *hate* when people compare levels of motherhood. I got flack a while back for saying I was going to be a single mom for a while, because apparently that wasn’t ok to say. I didn’t mean anything by it, I certainly wasn’t tooting my “Omg, I’m just like that lady with no husband and 4 kids that works 2 jobs down the street to keep her kids fed” horn, but that’s how it was taken.
A mom is a mom is a mom. Everyone works. Everyone does the best they can.
I think everyone just wants some type of a title to feel special. I know I’m guilty of it.
Nail on the head at having a title to feel special. I’m guilty of it, too.
i don’t get stabby about any of this. Maybe it’s because i never planned to be a stay at home mom, i just kinda ‘fell into it’ for various reasons. I have a master’s degree, and i don’t feel ANYTHING is wasted. I don’t plan to be a stay at home mom forever, so while I am, I am LOVING and enjoying it to the fullest.
My hat is off to ‘working moms” because at this point in the ballgame, I don’t think I could do it. I’m too lazy. HA!
Working mom or stay at home mom, you’re a mom, which means your thoughts are occupied by naps, sippy cups, and the Elmo’s World theme song CONSTANTLY.
I do think SAHMs have the better deal when dealing with sick kiddos. I’m maxed out on sick days (thanks, recent stomach bug) so let’s hope the neighbor girl is out on summer break for my daughter’s next sick spell.
I was a SAHM for the first year of my son’s life. I heard all kinds of things like “oh my, you have a Master’s degree and all you do is take care of your baby all day?” It left me in a puddle of self consciousness and anguish. Now, I am a working mother. And I hear things like “it is just terrible that you can’t stay how with your son. How do you know he is safe?” I simply cannot win.
There are pros and cons to both, and having done both, I respect whatever is best for the family as a whole. It is sad that so many people have “opinions” about how your should raise your children, particularly if they have no idea what your particular situation may be.
I <3 Beauty and the Beast.
I prefer full time mom, myself. It hides the "stay at home in my puke covered yoga pants ensemble" that is my reality. The truth is no mom has it easy.
To the comment re: being sick. I don't know. I mean, I don't have to "lose time" for a sick kid, but when I'm sick. Like really, really sick – about to pass out with the stomach bug, I still have to take care of the kids. I can't just send them to daycare like some of my working mom friends do.
I haven’t read everything – but I think SAHM’s get defensive because all too often we get the “oh you JUST stay home” like it’s the lazy option. No matter what – being a Mom is work, plain and simple. Some people just choose (or have to) also do work outside the home, too.
I do think that there is an inadequacy of terms in all the ways you point out. Some of it is just a lack of better terminology, some of it is actual judgements by people who choose different mothering paths, and some of it, I feel, is something most mothers I know tend to do, which is feel like they’re not ever doing enough and then thinking that other people feel the same. I spent a lot of my first two years as a mom feeling like certain people were judging my mothering. Now I’m pretty sure that most of them weren’t and that as much as I was trying my best, I still felt like everyone else was doing a better job. After 4 1/2 years, I finally realize that my best is not only good enough, it’s really great.
Personally, I stayed at home full time for a year, then worked two days/week for a few years, and now work full time (outside the house). I have experienced challenges in every situation. In the end, I have learned that being a mom is hard, no matter how much you work outside the house. And since I’ve walked in several sets of shoes, I know not to judge. I also know that anyone who judges me is ignorant at best and totally not worthy of my anger.
Fact of the matter is, we’re all moms 24/7. It’s not like you go to work and all of a sudden you’re not a mom-your kid just isn’t literally hanging on your leg (just your heart). It’s also not like I don’t work-it’s just the kind where I only get paid in dirty diapers and hugs. I worked in an executive level position for the first four months of my son’s life and when I was laid off, my husband and I decided that I should stay home because that was the best thing for us and our situation. I don’t regret the decision, but there are days when I would love to be back at work around other adults instead of my little one telling me “no” all day. But the grass always seems greener on the other side…
What gets me is that men are almost never part of this conversation. It’s sad to me that some women spend any energy at all in “Mommy Wars” combat when their husbands/boyfriends/SOs/etc. don’t have to worry about any of the implications of the choice to stay at home or go back to work.
Wouldn’t it be nice if, just once, we could handle this argument like men, in that they _don’t_ handle it? How fast would we be to unite against a man who judged a woman for her decision to stay home or go back to work, when at the same time if a woman judges it divides us?
I will be so happy to see the day that women can stop judging each other’s personal decisions, because isn’t _having_ a choice in the first place what feminism (OH NOES THE “F” WORD) is really all about anyway?
Amen. Nobody judges a man for going to work.
Then again, I personally think it’s awesome when a father stays home full time, but I bet people judge that, too.
You know, the term full-time mom does get my hackles up sometimes. Dude, parenting in general isn’t something that gets left at ANY door–be that boardroom, bedroom, or anywhere in between. I don’t stop being a mom just because I go to work–if I did, could I leave my c-section scar at home too please? On the flip side, being a SAH parent isn’t easy. I know my husband works his freaking tail off with our kiddo, and I would never try to say that I have it harder than him. It’s different kinds of hard.
I do wonder how much of this is wrapped up in locales too. I work in an office full of women with kids, so at work we’re all on the same page. In my neighborhood where I live? 95% SAHMs. I’m…a bit of an outcast. Which means that when I’m talking with my neighbors, I’m already the outsider and so already have my hackles up a little. So I find that when I’ve dealt with that IRL, I’m much more sensitive online. Or when I’ve had a rough day of missing the kid, or of feeling pulled in a million directions. I have to think some of that is true on the SAHM side too?
Anyway, that train of thought hasn’t had the tracks laid out perfectly straight, but just a thought that went through my head. In general–yeah, what you said.
I have done both. I stayed home with my son all the time until he was about 18 months, went I went to “work” 2 days a week. Then a few months after he turned 2, I started working outside of the home 40 hours a week again. Because of this, I know a few things that are true FOR ME:
1. I feel overall happier now that I’m working outside of the home full-time again, as being home all of the time was more mentally exhausting to me.
2. I still often feel guilty and sad about leaving my son at a (terrific, wonderful, awesome) daycare.
3. I spend my time with my son more wisely now.
Staying at home was hard. It sort of irritated me when people said that I “had it made.” Because, yeah, it was awesome to spend so much time with my son, but it took a lot out of me, too. And you know what? Working outside of the home and still maintaining all that mommy/wife/homemaker stuff? That’s hard too. That’s life.
But I am so happy to be a mama. I’m so blessed to have this little boy who runs to hug me when I pick him up at 5:00. I’m proud that I am good at my job and I help pay the bills. I’m thrilled to have adult friends that have discussions about movies and work stuff (and not just about poopy diapers and which parks are most kid-friendly).
I guess I don’t know where I’m going with this, except to say that yeah, it USED to bother me when people said those things. But now? I don’t care. I love my son. I do the best I can, and I think I’m doing a pretty good job. And that’s enough for me. I don’t need a label, and I don’t care if anyone gives me one.
It doesn’t seem to matter what you say or how you say it anymore. If you are describing something about what YOU personally do with YOUR kids, people automatically assume the statement is judgey if it is different than what they do with their kids. (see discussions all over the net about breastfeeding/formula feeding, letting your baby cry it out, anything related to discipline, where your kids go to school, etc)
As long as you aren’t abusing your kids, I don’t really care how you raise them or where their happy hineys (or yours) are from 8-5 each day. I think most moms are this way. Do what is right for you and your family, skip the feelings of guilt or judgement.
I think “part time” or “full time” are things used to define an occupation. No one is a “part time mom” anymore than you’d be a “part time wife”. All day, every day, I am a wife, mother, daughter, dog momma, female, and human. Unless of course I haven’t had coffee, then I may not be human.
But see, if you haven’t had coffee then you might be a full-time zombie, right?
Which I think trumps human ANY DAY.
I am a SAHM. I went to college. I am lucky to be able to stay home with my girl, which is what I’ve always wanted to do. But never do I use the term “full time mother” with any sort of negative tone to it. Everyone is a full time mom, so I see no issuse with the phrase. Maybe it depends on the person you hear it from? I dont know. For me, its just a simple fact : I am a woman, who has a child; that makes me a full time momma, end of discussion.
As long as they’re not lording their SAHM status over me, giving me the side-eye for working 60 hours a week when I’ve got twins at home, or insinuating that I’m not a good mother- than we’re cool. Otherwise, I’m going to have to throat punch that person with my briefcase followed by a sippy-cup dousing.
That said, I get jealous tingles every time a person alludes to sleeping-in. God, I miss sleeping in…
If I had to name one thing from the pre-kid era that I really miss? Sleeping in. I really miss sleeping in.
I’m not a mom, but I’m a wife and an employee. I’m a full time woman, and I’m tired too, damnit! I support all women’s choices, because I know they are making the right choices for them and their family. We’re all just trying to make it work–whatever it takes.
Excellent post and discussion BA.
FREAKING right on, Sara. Right on.
To be honest, I’m more shocked at the response of some of these women’s spouses! I wouldn’t ever accuse my marriage of being “perfect”, but Kevin has never EVER come home asking ‘why didn’t this get done’ etc! Methinks that would be the recipe for some marital discord…
And honestly, we just don’t get into the muck of “you’re off work, so take care of Monkey” or “you’re home all the time so you can’t be tired” BS. Even though my husband works 10 hour days in a very stressful office, he STILL comes home telling me he feels bad that he doesn’t get up with our son every morning! We just have a mutual respect for each other and what we’re bringing to the table. I respect the fact that he brings home the bacon and does it well, and he respects that I’m raising our son and that we’re not paying out the wazoo for a sitter or childcare, which would force me, in turn, to go back to work.
This wouldn’t solve ALL cases…but maybe SAHM’s and WM’s wouldn’t feel this need to compete with each other so much if they were getting adequate support at home for their decisions. Just saying.
My decision to stay at home with Monkey was based on the fact that it made sense for us. It wasn’t because I have some high and mighty view that kids do better at home with Mom or whatever! And you better believe that if I had had an actual career to go back to, I more than likely would have went back to work!
I’ve been following you and Harrison since he was born, and he is so cute and seems so happy and just plain perfect! Don’t get bogged down by people who CLEARLY had their Cheerios peed into at some point or another!
I refer to myself as a stay-at-home mom, not a full-time mom…so I guess the discussion doesn’t get me very heated or opinionated. I think whatever you chose – working or staying at home you just have to be comfortable with it and know either way people will make remarks- whether you work or stay at home. Nobody is better, we all work hard, being a mom is tiring no matter what! Obviously we only know our own side, so we can’t judge the other side but just be happy that we all have made the right decision for our family and for our own happiness! Amen!
I am not sure where I fall…I am a stay at home Mom Sunday-Thursday and work as an RN Fri and Sat from 630am-730pm (my husband watches our baby…yay for not having to pay for daycare!) Because I get to spend the majority of my time with my daughter I get to see both sides of the proverbial fence.
On the one hand, it is great being a stay at home Mom. Breastfeeding is easier, making plans with other Moms is awesome, having my daughter wake up from nap time to my smiling face is priceless. But on the other hand, it is also great that I have the opportunity to put on something other than PJ’s (even though scrubs are like PJ’s), head into work (even though some of my patients act worse than my baby ha), and have adult conversations with doctors and other nurses!
Whichever you are (sahm or working mom), both are very difficult and both should be praised. I read a ton of blogs and hate when I see one group bashing the other, or one group thinking the other is better. Both are difficult in their own ways. I commend all women doing what the do for their children!
What an interesting discussion. It really bugs me how people get caught up in the semantics of everything! Because yes, all moms are full time moms..
Every mom makes a sacrifice either way. Moms who work outside the home sacrifice the fact they can’t be with their kids 24/7, but on the flipside they’re providing financially, and a lot of the times are doing it for themselves. They may love their job and need that reason to put on makeup and high heels and get away from the baby routine in order to feel normal again.
Every mom who stays home with the kiddos sacrifice financially as they aren’t providing a paycheck, yet they have the luxury to be the primary caretaker. A lot of my ‘sahm’ friends LOVE staying home and wouldn’t have it any other way.. they are the ones that wrote “MOMMY” on the ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ question in 4th grade. So for them its domestic bliss. Believe it or not they love cooking, cleaning, laundry…etc.. They love spending all day changing their kids diapers, feeding, burping, cleaning up, playing, walks, parks, playdates etc…
Does that make them more of a mom then those who work an 8-5?
HELL NO!
The way I see it, every woman has to do the best they can do with what they have. They have to balance their priorities and take into consideration their resources. There is no right or wrong. There is no better or worse.
/end of rant.
At first my decision to stay at home was because I couldn’t bear the thought of sending my daughter to strangers for care. Then when she turned a year old I wanted to go back to work, but it became clear that she was different. So, after lots of convo’s with the hubs, WE made the choice that I would stay with her. 4 years later we found out she’s autistic.
I never feel like I waisted my college much. As a business major, it takes all my knowledge to juggle school, meetings, doctors and my 2 other kids.
I may catch some heck for this but I still want to be a working mom. I see no shame in either “job titles” but I find that I miss adult interaction on a daily basis.
I hope that after my kids get into real school (as opposed to preschool) to go back to work.
But I think you do what’s best for you and your family.
It take tremedous strenghth for a mom to leave her children everyday to go to work. It take tremendous strength for a mom to leave her work to be with her children all day every day. Either way as moms we are strong!
I’m a SAHM, and I feel lucky I’m able to do it. My husband busts his butt in order for that to happen. Financially it was more responsible for me to stay home given what I could make at my prior job.
I also have a Bachelors degree, as well as an associates degree from a respected college. And no, it’s not in childhood development. I’ve never once thought I “wasted” my education. I’m glad I was able to get those degrees and do something for MYSELF before my son came along.
I have full respect for working moms, and would expect the same kind of respect in return. We’re all moms and it’s hard regardless!
I should also mention as a SAHM I am up at the crack of dawn some days. My husband who as a job outside the home gets more sleep than I do :p
I’m a mother, but I’m also a graphic designer and photographer. It’s all about your identity and how you see yourself. Screw what everyone else thinks.
I should also add that I really only get my panties in a bunch when I have to write on a form that I’m “unemployed.”
It usually passes once I have some coffee
I’m a SAHM and any time I tell someone that (expecially working mommas) I get the “oh you just stay at home you don’t work at all, that must be so nice” Hell yes I work, 24/7 365 no breaks EVAH. I’m not sure about the rest of the SAHMs but my husband pretty much sees it as my job to care for our child all the time since I do it so much anyway so even when he is home I do the majority of taking care of her. Not that he does nothing but it mostly falls on me. Now I love staying at home and I have no desire to go back to work but it is a job and you never get a break from it and no one ever gives you the respect you deserve, or the paycheck!!!!!!
I’m in a weird position where I am sometimes a “stay at home mom,” sometimes a “work at home mom” (surely the most nonsensical term of them all), and sometimes a “working mom.” Basically I run two business, one of which is from home, one is on-site but sporadic, and the rest of the time I am “just” mothering.
I don’t like to view mothering as “working,” even though it is A LOT OF WORK, because I just feel funny equating being a parent with writing up invoices and whatnot. Parenting is life… a job is a job. Except when it’s not, when you love your work so much it’s “life” too… agggh! So none of the terms really fit that well, but they don’t offend me either. I think we’re just maneuvering within the confines of the language we have at our disposal.
No matter what amount of time you spend with your child you are a full time mom. Being a mom includes thinking of your child with every cell of your body every minute of the day. Mothers do this no matter what vicinity of their child they are in.
I stay at home and sit on the couch and eat bon bons all day like a good stay at home mom, so I don’t get my well-ironed panties in a twist about technicalities.
But the term I hate? HOUSEWIFE. That’s what it said on my hospital paperwork when I had my most recent baby. Does anything sound LESS IMPORTANT?
You know what is really interesting to me? I have a lot of older clients & when I ask them their profession before retirement, the majority of the women say (very proudly) that they were a housewife or homemaker. There are a few that say rather meekly that they were “just a homemaker” & I always smile & say that it sure was an occupation.
It fascinates me how different our generations are.
I will fully admit that I am a full time SAHM. There are days where I think I have the hardest job in the world, however that being said my hat is off to working mothers! I feel overwhelmed most days and I have less on my plate than ya’ll. I think no matter how you look at it being a mother is a full time job and it is by far the hardest job we have. We are responsible for molding a human being and setting him/ her on a path to grow and succeed.
What gets me the most is when people say “I chose to (stay at home and) raise my family.” Is that supposed to mean that I (and my husband, for that matter) am not raising my kid? Really?
I am a working mom and I happen to love both my job and my child. She makes great friends at daycare and I know that she is very well taken care of.
Addison is one and I am expecting number 2 this November. As soon as anyone finds out the latter, they automatically assume that I am now going to quit my job. I mean how could I have two kids that young in daycare and not want to stay at home with them?
Makes me want to throat punch that person every.single.time. Not only do I actually enjoy going to work, my family also needs my income to live the lifestyle we choose (aka eating, living with shelter, etc:).
You want to stay at home and can – awesome. You have kids and work – awesome. Now stop judging!
SO MANY COMMENTS BA. I CAN NOT HANDLE READING ALL OF THIS.
I explode whenever someone says I went to school for nothing. Or I wasted my time taking classes while pregnant. Or that they could NEVER stay at home because they went to college and WHAT A WASTE. Which I always take as they think I wasted my time.
Also I really hate when people say “Oh you *just* stay at home?”. Look…none of being a Mom is easy. Regardless of where you spend your days. But just as I try to not ever trivialize how much of a Mom someone is who goes to an office every day…I don’t want my day to be trivialized either.
Sometimes I wonder if the titles we use for ourselves and what we do come from a defensive place not an offensive place. Someone who says “Full-time Mom” or “working Mom” may really be coming from a place where they feel like they have to justify their decisions and choices.
Your tag line should be, I am a full time mom, but i am also full of the awesome which can only be tamed by working full time.
hehehe, whether you work or stay at home it shouldn’t be a battle of who is better, we are all equals and all have our opinions but no one person is better than the other.
Also, a TOTAL EFFING ASSHOLE friend of my husbands told me last week that every day is a weekend for me. That I have it easy and I’m so lucky. {did I mention this person has a penis, not a vagina}
Look I’m lucky. I’m lucky I got the choice. I’m lucky that my husbands supported my decision. I’m lucky that when the dust settled I did what I wanted to do.
Every day isn’t a weekend. And by that logic…wouldn’t then every day be a week day? With no break? I truly don’t feel sorry for myself. Or that my days are mostly Groundhogs Days. But attitudes like that make women who do stay home stabby and defensive.
I have both been a working mom and a SAHM. They are both tough. I don’t get worked up about the semantics of the wording (ie “full time mom” or “working mom”). I am more concerned by the INTENT.
So to put it simply, if someone on FB wants to call themself a “full time mom” or “working mom” I don’t really give it a second thought. If they start implying that one job isn’t worthy or start getting holier than thou, I would have a problem.
The best moms are happy moms. If working outside the home makes you happy – yay! If staying home with the kiddos makes you happy – yay! Either way, your kids are likely to be happy too
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I have to say I don’t get upset over any of the titles regardless of which “side” they’re on.
I’m a SAHM and usually that’s the verbage I’d use to identify my “job”. I’d be okay with “full-time mom” too because that’s what I do all the time. I don’t (well, I don’t really use it anyway, but if I did) intend it as a dig at moms who work outside the home.
Likewise, when I see “working mom” I don’t feel that it’s said as a dig at SAHMs. I just assume it means that mama works outside the home.
Neither side is better than the other and we all face our unique challenges.
Also, I could give a rat’s patootie whether someone thinks I’m “just” a SAHM because all that matters is that I matter to my family and I’m doing what’s right for us. Just like you matter to your family and you’re doing what’s right for you. Labels are just labels – a way for others to categorize you, but none of use REALLY fits into a single category now do we?
“Sometimes I wonder if the titles we use for ourselves and what we do come from a defensive place not an offensive place. Someone who says “Full-time Mom” or “working Mom” may really be coming from a place where they feel like they have to justify their decisions and choices.”
Ding ding ding! Go Roomie!
That’s the thing. And again, like the other commenters have said, part of whether or not any of this is viewed as a dig comes from who is saying it and how. Some people are most certainly being condescending twatwaffles when they say they “work” or are “full-time moms” because they need to feel validated in their decisions, which means there’s some insecurity there.
Others? Are just saying what they do with no implied deeper meaning at all.
I am a former full time lawyer working mom but now stay at home mom, so I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I fall into the camp of whatever it is that works for you and your family is what you should do, happy moms are better moms working or not and all that.
For me? I feel totally lucky to be able to stay at home right now. I get that it is not a financial possiblilty for a lot of moms (no matter how in order your priorities are) because it wasn’t always for me. I hated working before I had kids and after they came along it really sucked even more. This way is easier for ME. I hate when stay at home moms complain that they work 24 hour days and working moms only have to put in 40 hours a week.
First, how many working moms only work 40 hours a week at their paying jobs?…and second, when exactly do you think the housekeeper/laundry fairy/cook/errand runner comes and does all of the things that stay at home moms can get a jump on during day time hours? It doesn’t happen, working moms still have to do the stuff that we sahms do, they just have less time to squeeze it all in!
Beauty & the Beast! That’s all I can really contribute to this post because I don’t have kids yet but I thought it was really well-written!
I usually don’t get my panties in a bunch about this sort of issue, but reading your post made me feel kind of sad. Mothers, both working outside the home and those who stay at home to raise their little ones, are all hard working. I personally am blessed to be able to stay at home while raising my son. I was a nurse for 8 years before becoming a stay at home mom, and there are so many days I miss going to work. While I totally love being at home with my boy, I miss having something for myself and miss helping others. However, I know that if I had to work right now it would be nearly impossible as we are a military family living away from family and my husband is about to deploy for 8 months. While some moms have to work to help with the finances, others choose to or are able to solely stay home with their children. I actually feel that working moms are truly amazing. Often we hear stay at home moms saying how hard it is to be at home with the kids all day. Of course it is! But does that mean working moms are sitting around in their cubicles all day eating bon bons? No. They are getting up at the crack of dawn to get out of the house on time, heading to a hard day’s work, and rushing home so that they can spend time with their spouses and children before bedtime, bathtime, and dinner need to be taken care of! As women, and especially as mothers, we need to think about the other side of the picture. Some days I am bored out of my mind being at home with my whirling dervish of a son and wondering when it was that I actually used my brain last. Nothing in life is perfect. I hope you or any other working mom are never made to feel like a part time mom. We are all mothers, whether we spend 24 hours a day with our kids or 4 hours. It is the quality of time with our little ones that is important. Let’s all support one another and not pass judgement, because each person’s situation is unique.
I don’t like to call myself a working mom because no one calls my husband a working dad.