It sounds tongue-in-cheek. It may even sound disrespectful. But it’s the best way I know how to describe what I’m going through.
You know how anorexics distort their body to see themselves as larger than they really are? I do that in reverse.
In my head, I feel like I still look like I do on the left in the red bathing suit. When in reality, the picture on the right was taken Saturday afternoon.
The majority of the week, I feel slim & attractive. I pass by the mirror & thinking, “Lookin’ good, BA!” I tell myself that the size 16 in my pants isn’t really a 16 & in all honesty, I could fit into my 14′s if I wanted to (that’s a lie). I tell myself that my Seven jeans don’t fit because they got dried in the dryer & just need to be stretched a bit (another lie). I tell myself that the glass of wine has no calories, that Chick-fil-A is the healthiest fast food around, that the scale is up 10 lbs from August because of water weight & if I just chugged water, it would all melt off in 3 days. That I still have the metabolism of my 16-year-old self & that I don’t need to think twice about indulging in a cupcake. That I could run a mile if I wanted to. That Zumba one night per week & Nutrisystem for lunch will take it all off for me in a jiffy. I whine that I’m doing my very gosh-darn best to lose weight.
Lies, all of it.
Because when I step on the scale on Monday morning & then squeeze into shapewear just so my skirt will zip, I’m faced with a harsh reality – the weight has to come off. & I’m too busy lying to myself about the reality of it to really do anything.
Does anyone else do this? Trick yourself into thinking you’re thinner, then when you’re faced with photos & video & the size in your jeans, it’s like getting slapped in the face every. single. time? It’s a wretched yo-yo of ego & self-loathing.
I need this week to really think about how to change this, tackle it, come to grips with it & turn it around in my head. I know that I don’t do well without a specific plan – by the time we were in April last year, I’d lost 30 lbs since January with Nutrisystem. At this point I’ve lost 4 trying to rough it on my own. Something’s got to give.
I do this all the time. My most recent is I feel great. I’ve lost 2 lbs in two weeks (my goal being 1 lb per week so I’m doing great right?) and then I see pictures of myself and I so don’t look like how I feel and the mirror tells me I look great. are my eyes broken?! You’re not alone.
Oh yes I totally do this. I lie to myself and think that even though I weigh 200 pounds, I don’t look like it though. Then I see a picture of myself and notice how puffy my face is.
Love the new hair!
Oh I totally know where you’re coming from. I always think I look great, even staring directly into a mirror, until I see a picture of myself. I swear there’s a chubby girl who jumps in front of me in photos. I wanna punch that jerk in the face. Unfortunately, that jerk is me and until I can really commit to eating better I’m not gonna get back down to my fighting weight. Why don’t they invent that magic pill already?
I’m roughing on my own too and that just leads to 5 pounds up, 5 pound down, repeat.
Weight loss is like balancing on a tight rope. If you go too far to the left you’re totally okay with how you look. If you go too far to the right you start hating everything about yourself. I’m really struggling to find a balance between self-loathing and admiration. I’d just like to be happy.
I feel you.
You’re so right. I don’t think any of us would have to write a post about fit vs. fat every week if we didn’t tell ourselves these lies on a regular basis. Conversely (sorta), if we looked in the mirror and saw ourselves for what we really are – brave, strong, beautiful – it would be easier to respect ourselves and lose the weight for good. Eww.. too deep for a Monday. Good luck this week!
I SOOO do this! I’ll think i’m looking good, buy a pair of pants that a little too tight (okay feels like it’s cuting me in two once i button) saying, OH i’m sooo on the road to lose weight these will fit PERFECTLY in like a week, then months later they fit worse than ever.
I sign up for races and classes and diets, all to never really follow through.
i’m there with you! we can do it together!
I adore the new hair!
Oh god, I do this all the time. Yesterday I breezed into a store and started trying on clothes thinking I could fit my butt into a size 14 pants. FAIL. I’m with you. I HAVE to make a positive change. Starting right after my morning latte.
1. New hair? Love. It’s gorgeous. You remind me of Daphne from Scooby Doo.
2. I totally feel your pain with clothing. Things are a bit different now, but I have been there so, so many times.
3. Personally, I think you look smaller in your more recent pic. Your thighs look smaller and more shapely, your tummy is flatter and your hips are smaller.
You’re still doing great, BA. Just keep you chin up and just keep swimming, just keep swimming…
Wow… this is exactly something I’ve been thinking about lately. I see that the scale says I’m overweight. I realize I can’t fit in my cute clothes anymore… but I don’t “feel” fat… well, sometimes I do… but more often that not, I don’t. Then i see a photo of myself, and I’m like “blah!” what? that’s not me… but it is…
And this is why I started Weight Watchers last thursday… I need a plan… I need to get back on track with eating healthy (because as good as chick fil a tastes… it’s not healthy….)… and I deserve to be healthy. I need to stop fooling myself.
oh – and I love your hair, too!
This is SO me and it totally used to hurt my efforts in working out. I’d just think “Screw it, I’m hot enough. I’m quitting the gym.” The solution for me was work out goals that had absolutely nothing to do with losing weight. Running became my thing, and now I exercise to become faster/stronger and increase endurance rather than lose weight.
My first thought was trying to figure out the difference between your weight in the two pictures… because really, you look the same to me! I think you’re looking fabulous, and positive thinking keeps you happy– and losing weight!
Totally me. I only ever realize how fat I am when I see pictures and I’m horrified. I think its a defense mechanism. If I comprehended how bad I look, I wouldn’t leave the house. However, I think you look better in the second picture.
I’m bowled over my your honesty. Last week when you wrote that you gained 4 lbs and you just gave the scale the” side eye”, I thought to myself: this poor girl is deluding herself. You are doing yourself a diservice, because even though you are really pretty as you are right now, you would be SCARY sexy if you let go of that weight.
Have you tried weight watchers? I have been on every diet on the planet and it is the only thing that has worked for me. The new iphone app makes it super easy.
Yes, I TOTALLY do this. I’m glad there’s a term for it. In fact, what I’ll do is think I look 60 lbs lighter (and use the same reasons you do about the dryer, etc) and then I’ll see myself in a photo and think … that camera is broken! Does the photographer know? Should I tell him/her? I mean, seriously.
*sigh*
You Are Not Alone. I go through it every day. People always told me to “enjoy it while I was young” …I hate that. I didn’t think it would actually happen, but it did. I got older and had to accept the fact that I’m not going to have the 20 year old body any more. It’s just a fact of life. Now, I just enjoy my food & my body. That doesn’t mean I’ve given up on it, I just don’t let it consume me.
You’re Beautiful by the way!
You’re speaking my thoughts BA! I’m always shocked when I see photos of myself. Then convince myself it’s fine because I can still get into my fat jeans so I have a couple scoops of Ben & Jerry’s.
I can definitely relate. I’m currently attempting weight loss on my own with some success (11 lbs. lost since March 20), and I tend to exaggerate in my mind the impact this relatively minimal weight loss has on my appearance (I have about 50 lbs. more to go). I feel lighter and I assume I look lighter too, but the reality is, I look the same. In fact, just yesterday it was the first really warm day of the year for us so I had to dig out a pair of capris, and I was a little bummed to find they fit exactly the same as last year, even with my 10+ lbs. of weight loss.
Have you ever checked into My Fitness Pal? It’s a free website (apps are available for the iPhone/iPod and BlackBerry too) where you log all your calories, exercise, etc.? It’s been working out really well for me, because it’s not super time consuming and it doesn’t require a lot of thought. There are tons and tons of foods already loaded into the program so you don’t have to manually enter most calories (just search on the food and it’ll give you the nutritional info), and you can add your own recipes to find out the caloric content in those as well. It has really helped me to become more conscious of the choices I make. I’ve also been doing C25K (starting week 4) and some Kettleworx DVDs three times a week, so I’m doing some sort of exercise most days for about 30-35 minutes. That’s been manageable to me even though I work full time and take care of my 2 year old myself most evenings while my husband is still working.
Yes. I can totally relate. I’ve been ‘roughing it on my own’ since my daughter was born 2 YEARS ago. I’m not so concerned about the scale these days, but I hate the way I look in pictures and my summer clothes. I have no idea what needs to give, but I can relate.
And for the record, I think you look gorgeous.
OMG… I thought I was the only one that did that!!! In my head I see a slightly skinny girl… but when I see a pic of myself I am stunned every time. Thank you for confirming that I am not crazy!!!
This is so me. I thought I was the only one who thought this way! It is the most confounding thing ever to feel so crappy about yourself sometimes and then so distorted the rest of the time. 14′s aren’t really that big a size….when you’re only 5’2″, right? Wrong. Urgh.
Looks like we all do this. I tell myself that because I work out 5 days a week and don’t eat sweets or drink sodas or tea or snack between meals and eat a healthy breakfast and lunch that I can carbload a dinner washed down with wine and expect to still lose weight. Obviously I cannot. In fact, in the 8 months I’ve been busting my ass running and doing zumba…I’ve gained 8 pounds. Last Friday I got up feeling pretty thin when I was naked. But then I went to go slide on my jeans for work and had to close them with a ponytail holder. SOB. FEST. My poor little 2 year old boy saw me boo hooing and thought he had done something wrong so he started apologizing profusely which made me SOB HARDER. Mommy FAIL. Also….SKINNY fail. *sigh*
I do this almost everyday. It’s hard because to face reality I would realize that I am just fat and I cannot fit into my pre baby jeans and it drives me mad. It’s easier to lie to oneself than to deal with it it seems.
For sure. Miranda and I both did posts on this in the past couple weeks…I think it’s way common! And totally unfortunate that we do it!
Here was Miranda’s post…
http://notsuper-justmom.com/2011/03/i-think-im-pretty/
And here was what I wrote after reading hers…
http://sluiternation.com/2011/04/the-theory/
Seems like many of us are struggling right now. Which is sad, but it’s nice to know we aren’t alone. That it’s not something unique.
I TOTALLY do this. every day.
Yup. I just saw myself in some pictures from the weekend and realized that it’s not *just* the angle.
I’m sort of the opposite–recently, I’ve been happily surprised to see myself in pictures. My body image is SUPER distorted, but in the opposite way.
I have to say though, I don’t see a huge difference between the two pictures. Actually, I think you look a little healthier and more toned in the second!
Love, I spent YEARS doing this. YEARS. You are not alone. I blame it on the fact that I was never overweight – not untl I had my son – and I just couldn’t bring myself to think of myself as fat. Until it clicked one day…
Girl, I am right there with you! I find I either think I look much better than I do and that I will be slim in a minute, or I think I am 900 lbs and everyone walking past me thinks about what an elephant I am… no middle ground (which would be the realistic ground!)
Paleo is working for me so far, but it’s a lot of work for me and, even after just 1 week, I find myself “cheating.” Thinking I may just go back to Slimfast during the day and a more Paleo type meal at night… I need structure too!
Hang in there!!
We went to a wedding this past weekend and I had to spray-tan and shape-wear myself into feeling like I looked half-way decent. I shudder to think what the pictures of me from that night look like. I felt so bad about myself that I jumped on the treadmill as soon as we got back into town yesterday. But that one round of exercise is a drop in the bucket compared to the life change I need to make right now.
At 18 months post-partum I can no longer lie to myself that I look good for “having had a baby” or that pregnancy changed my body and its out of my control. And I shudder to think what would happen if/when I did get pregnant again. I HAVE to be in a better place than this (i.e. not 10 lbs heavier than I was BEFORE I had baby #1) before I can even allow myself to think about having another one. Another pregnancy would just set me that much further back. I cannot even imagine.
I want to feel sexy again. I want to feel confident again. But I am SO struggling with the time/energy/motivation to do what I need to do to get there. If you figure out what it is, please do share.
Sadly, I completely relate. I’ve been thinking/battling this very thing for forevah, but especially in the past two weeks. I’m 7 weeks into a diet and not losing very much. I’ve struggled with weight my whole adult life. Whenever I see pictures of myself, I’m always surprised that I look as big as I do. Why should I be surprised?! Especially when I’m engaging in what I call “hedonistic eating”. Nonetheless, I’m surprised…every time. I imagine myself smaller and deny the volume of fat on my butt and stomach. Then reality slaps me in the face when photographed. I’m so tired of being the “fat friend”. My self-view is still stuck on college hot Jenn. I’m so not there anymore and need to get a grip. Thanks for putting a name to this disorder! Ha!
PS: I watch “Ruby” on Style network and she was also talking about this very thing! Her friends told her she was sick and her illness caused her to think this way. It was very interesting!
I love how honest you are. Yes, I do this at times. When I am being bad with my diet and exercising this is how I think. Over the last two weeks, I have been thinking “My husband is about to deploy, we just need to focus on spending time together” “The scale is not going up, so I am going to continue eating cheese pizza several times a week!”.
Grrrr, I just need to kick my butt and get back into the swing of things!!
Well you still look beautiful!
I think I do this too. I feel GREAT about myself but then look in the mirror and I still look pregnant. Blah.
First off- You look awesome. The End.
Second- Hell yes, I do this. I’m all, “Work it! Work it!” as I walk around. And then my hips/ass/thighs will run into a doorway/chair/table/pedestrian because I’ve underestimated my girth.
Those defense mechanisms can keep you stuck. But they can also keep you from flying into a McFatty Diva rage of self-loathing. Just sayin…
I do it all of the time. I imagine myself the way I was 10 years ago, when I was active and dancing and over 50 pounds lighter. And then I try on something that catches my eye, that would have looked great on me then. And it doesn’t now, and I feel bad about my weight again.
I miss my 6 pack.
I totally do this. I go back and forth between this and then, when I realize that I’m not looking as good as I thought, then it’s total self-loathing, hating how I look and not being able to wear anything without hating how I look.
But most of the time lately, I’m doing this exact same thing you wrote about. I pretend that the extra snacks I’m eating don’t have calories, that the 1 or 2 workouts I do each week are enough, etc. It’s a weird case of denial, I guess. I know I do it, but I can’t stop the cycle. Since I live in MN, the threat of summer clothes being worn is still not close enough to get me going, since I’m also in denial about how much work I have to do in order to be ready to wear those clothes. I totally feel your pain, and I’m still trying to figure out how to break away from this bad habit.
You’re well on your way, my dear. You recognize that you’re doing this… that’s the first step. It’s a decision to change it, that is the next.
That’s where I was. And one day someone said “you look good… for having 2 kids.” Though they thought it was a compliment, I wanted to slap them. I don’t want to look good “for having two kids.” I want to look good, damn it! And the only way to do that is to get my ass in gear.
So, that’s where I am now. In gear.
I totally do this. In my head I still feel like I look the same as I did before I had a baby, before my mid-twenties hit, before I got married and started eating more than smart ones dinners. Then I see a picture of myself and BAM, reality. Although I’m down 8 lbs or so, I still know that there are at least 3 sets of “skinny” clothes in my closet that I’m not even close to getting back into. But like you said a couple of weeks ago. If you think about it in 24 hour increments…the pounds left to shed don’t seem so far away afterall.
I do the same thing. Since having my son, Gavin, my weight has done something similar to the yo-yo effect and go up and down. I keep telling myself that everything will even out and I will weigh less, but I still keep reaching for that soda and fast food.
I agree, something has to give for me. I’m tired of the lies.
le sigh, I do this too, as a matter of fact I just kicked myself in the ass after seeing pictures of myself as my sister’s bridesmaid, the other girls looked soooo good in the dress, and I thought I looked ok at the time, just a little heavy.. turns out… I.am.the.fat.girl. So I got Bethenny’s book “Naturally Thin” started reading it, changing the way I think about food, and I’m doing C25K, week 4 made me want to die, but I think of my cottage cheese thighs and keep on running :p.
Oh god that is so me!!!!! I do that ALL THE TIME. Then I realize I’m doing it and hate myself for awhile until I see the cupcake on the counter. Now I’m pregnant and that’s become my excuse.. when there really is no excuse.
This is me every day. Of course, I drown out those voices with cookies, but I am so tired of being the fat girl.
I don’t think you are the reverse, I think you are really hard on yourself about weight. I think you look great, and- like others- I don’t see much difference between the two pics. I think you look more toned in the second photo. Losing 4lbs on your own is still a big deal. It’s not maintaining or gaining, plus it’s hard to be motivated in February. Summer now feels within reach. I’m usually a really fit person, and I don’t even get my butt in gear until april. You’re human and do need a cupcake every once in awhile!
So I’ve never commented before but I just had to on this post…
What you described was me last July. I went to a wedding in ohio and had to buy a size 10 dress. Now, that might not sound so bad, but when you typically wear a size 2-4, that was HORRIFYING. And I didn’t even realize how fat I was until I saw pictures of myself after. I looked horrible.
i mean, why would my husband ever want to have sex with me when I looked like that and completely let myself go, especially since he is very muscular and in shape.
So I joined WW (again) with the goal of 35 pounds to lose. 9 months later and I am 6 pounds from my goal weight. WOOT!
I think every woman has been there. If you ever want to chat about WW, email me. I’d be happy to share!
xo
MM
This post just hit home with me this morning. My excuse is that I have a new baby. I still have about 7 lbs to go before i reach my pre-pregnancy weight, but I am sabotaging myself. I will eat whatever I want and tell myself it’s okay because I’m breastfeeding and burn the extra calories. So I am actually putting weight back on because I have NO willpower and lots of little lies I tell myself.
Thanks for making me give myself a reality check! I absolutely love your blog and I really respect how often you tell it how it is!
You look better in the pic on the right.
YES! I see pictures of myself and think, “Who is that fat @ss…OH MY, it is me!!” In my head I am still a size 6 that I was in high school! So glad to know that I am not the only one who does this! I love the term “fatorexic!”
So what you’re saying is that those pounds that I gained after losing weight IS actually somewhere. And just THINK that I look the same in clothes. And that the pictures I’m taking now are adding pounds, but the ones last year didn’t. Gotcha.
I’ve been wondering, for many weeks now, how you can eat cupcakes, go to Chick-Fil-A, eat baked spaghetti (please put that recipe up!), etc and be “on a diet.” Because I have to cut out almost everything when I try to lose weight, so I was insanely jealous.
Exercise is seriously the biggest thing that keeps me in shape and at (well, super close) to my goal weight. That’s it. I do watch what I eat & drink (aah, beer) but I have to run 4-5 days a week for a total of 20+ miles to be able to do so. And do weights, etc to tone up. And we walk around our neighborhood A LOT. After dinner & bathtime, we load up the kid in the stroller and walk around the ‘hood for a 2 mile walk. Yeah, he may fall asleep in the stroller and yeah, he goes to bed 30 minutes later some nights but it is so nice and calm and it gets us all out of the house. Do you think you could try that with Nate & H?
http://www.myfitnesspal.com
You’re welcome!
I hear ya! I’m in the same boat.
The crazy thing is I look back at old pictures and think I look pretty good and wonder why I ever thought I was fat then. I think it’s all in our heads!
I think you look great in both photos. I blame mine on 2 babies. It took me almost 2 years to lose it all after my first baby, then had a miscarriage and started my second up extra poundage.
WIth your link ups and other things that make us own up to it, we’ll all succeed!
I have lost 10 pounds in 4 weeks and was feeling great about myself. Then I saw pictures taken this weekend and all went to hell in a hand basket.
I got really depressed, cut myself down in front of my baby and husband and thought I can never loose weight at this rate. It was all for nothing because I still look just as bad as I did 10 pounds heavier.
It is so tough and I think we all have this perception of ourselves as a 16 year old that still looks hot as hell in a bikini but in reality we (I) and 34 and will never be that again! I have to just keep doing what I am doing and eventually it will pay off. Not as fast as I want it to, but it will!!
Hang in there!!!
I’m also a myfitnesspal.com fan. Totally holds you accountable for every bite and I’ve starting watching more carefully. Plus the fact that you can add in when you exercise makes me feel great about doing it to get HEALTHY, not just thin or skinny.
And I’ve starting really reading things and thinking before I eat them too, thanks to logging… A “light snack” of a small non-fat latte and those teeny little chocolate grahams at the register of Starbucks? Over 400 calories. YIKES. Yes, just ONE of those teeny grahams in the two-pack is 150 calories! I promptly trashed the second one once I discovered that!
I totally thought I was the only one that did this. And now I have a name for it!
But isn’t this healthier than the other way? Doesn’t it mean we have a good self-image? No? Maybe not?
Dammit. I love to think I just have higher than average self esteem. My ass says otherwise. But my hair isn’t fat right? RIGHT?!
It seems Nutrisystem only keeps the weight off when you are on that diet…what about overeaters anonymous to manage some of the thoughts and justifications you have when you splurge? It’s free…just a thought.
I do this all the time. There’s the “in my head” version of me and the REAL version of me, and never, apparently, the twain shall meet.
It’s the worst when I go shopping. I still think for some unknown reason, that I can fit in a size 8. I haven’t worn an 8 in years and years and years, and so every shopping trip ends in tears as I find NOTHING FITS and THIS SITS ON ME FUNNY.
GAH.
I was just having the same conversation with myself over a sleeve of Girl Scout Thin Mints. Ooops. Fail.
Totally know how you feel and I do it sometimes, too. But I’ve recently been making myself hit the gym in the AM. I don’t get to see my 14 month old until 5:45pm when I pick him up, but I need that morning time for me. It’s only been a few weeks, and the scale doesn’t always budge (I gained 2 last week!), but my jeans are looser and I actually feel like I’m looking skinner than I felt previously with my distorted thoughts.
So, I guess I’m just here to say it can get better and keep working on it. We definitely weren’t put on this earth to cut ourselves down. You look great in both pics above!!
it’s a pretty common defense mechanism , and I think that part of you also posts overly open about your weight and some moderately embarrassing photos because your fan base for the most part isn’t going to say, ” holy shit BA, you look BIG”. The comments I usually read are , ” wow, you’re 212? I wish I looked like that!” and I don’t think that helps. I said it a long time ago ( and got flamed to shit for it) that I felt a lot of readers were enabling you to stay at an unhealthy weight or size.
Your husband will NEVER say, ” dang girl, getting thick around the middle” because he knows that his survival and sex life will be out the window if he does.
So you have to be realistic. You know in your head that 2something isnt’ a healthy weight. You know there are healthy ways to peel it off slowly, but successfully. You also need to stop giving in to every temptation with the rationalization that chik fil a is good ( face it dude, if you’re eating it in your car from a bag, it’s not good for you. )
You’ll figure it out, we all do eventually. I do wish you’d reconsider weight watchers online. I know you say you’ll starve all day and leave enough points for 22 cookies, but maybe you need to start talking to your therapist about your unhealthy relationship with food. I mean, it’s fuel.. would you take a shit in your cars gas tank and expect it to run all day?
I am the same way. I see myself as smaller than I am. Until I see photos or like today I go into a dressing room and I’ve been thinking I look pretty damn good for almost 8 months pregnant…. and then I looked.. yikessssssssssssssssssssss.
UGH!
And why does that dress always look better online?
I just bought a maternity dress online and when it came I tried it on and thought WTH? It looked like I was wearing a tarp!
That’s going back!
AH! I could have written this myself! I feel all badass and all…and then I see a recent picture of myself someone snapped from a get together and Iam flooded with all the…WTF was I thinking!
I want to ditto Workin Mommy re: myfitnesspal.com. For me it’s about accountability and awareness. Like she mentioned, sometimes the vision in our heads of what we are eating is also skewed. I used to drink Skinny Lattes all the time, almost not even counting them as “food” until MFP. Then I realized they are 130 calories for a grande. when you are eating 1200 cals a day, that is way too much. I can also do trade-offs in my head now. For instance, OK if you have your latte then you can’t have your 140 calorie Peppermint Patty today. Or your 110 calorie glass of wine. Every calorie counts. It just makes you more aware of how many calories you are actually consuming, and you will find yourself asking “is it worth it” before eating. It’s great, seriously, check it out. Oh and it’s FREE!
I do the fatorexic justification dance to a different tune, but I can relate. My issue is that the way I look right now is the way I always thought I looked. In high school I could slip on size 7 jeans and wear a size 4 in dresses. I thought I looked huge, always wishing my thighs were smaller or my waist more defined. I was one of the biggest girls on my dance team, and therefore I thought I was fat.
Today I’m a solid 12, sometimes a 14, and I look how I always thought I looked. I see pictures of myself and I think I look pretty good at the right angle. It’s only when I look at pictures of myself from high school that I see a drastic difference.
My catch-22 is that as my thighs grew so did my self-confidence. I’m more confident in my body now than I have ever been in my entire life, although I’m probably the heaviest I’ve been in my entire life. What’s a girl to do?
P.S. I think you look really good in the picture on the right. Before I started reading the post I thought your body was “the same” in both pics.
I pull that same shit.
BTW – LOVE the new hair!
I do this all the time. I keep thinking oh, I’m not THAT big. Or Oh I have been eating good lately so I must have lost some weight. It just now hit me lately that medically i AM considered OBESE. It’s like when did that happen? Now I find myself comparing how big I am to other people at the same weight and I say to myself, oh I KNOW I don’t look like that. But the reality of it is that I do look fat. I wish I could go on nutrisystem like you. I tried it when I was in highschool and lost 5 lbs almost immediately. If you ever want to talk my blog is listed and my email too. I’m here for you!
I could have written this same post, word for word. I always think I look like I did 5 years ago. Then I see a picture and reality slaps me in the face. I dread seeing people I haven’t seen in a while, because I can only imagine what they are thinking. I even had a “friend” send me an email telling me how fat I had become, and why haven’t I gone to a dr. to get on weight loss drugs?
That made it hit home that I didn’t look the way I thought I did, and I have crappy friends.
::horror face::
Please tell me you cut that bitch.
It’s hard-you think you’re doing so well, you’ve lost a couple of pounds, and then BAM-you try on something that should fit and doesn’t. Talk about not fair! I was transferring pictures from CD to an external hard drive last week and saw myself six years ago and almost cried. I looked so good and now…not as much. I hate that I’m not healthy. I don’t even care about weight or size, I just want to be able to run to the end of the street without huffing and puffing.
Keep on it girl! You look wonderful, hopefully you’ll feel like you do soon <3
Woah….It’s like I’m reading my own thoughts there….I do that ALL THE TIME. I thought I was the only one that did & you’re right, when you get that reality check in the form of a picture –umm, say like at a wedding you’re at and you thought you were looking really good and awesome and then you see the picture…..it is like getting punched in the gut. such a vicious cycle that I CANNOT find my way out of.
Oh yes. OH yes. I was just having this conversation with a friend last week. Thanks to WW I am eating really healthy (mostly) so I feel better. More energy, clearer skin, etc etc. But then I look in the mirror (or the tag of my pants) and I get so depressed. It doesn’t help that in spite of being pretty diligent about my diet, I’m barely budging the scale.
I think so many women feel this at times. We think we look great, but either we see a photo of ourselves from another era, or we breeze past gorgeous glossy magazine covers with “perfect” women on them and, all of a sudden, we feel horrible.
Even when I was that old version of myself, I remember still feeling terrible some days, like it wasn’t ever good enough.
I’ve got little advice to share, other than to find what works for you now and to find what makes you happy today. Good luck
Oh my god, yes. I do this. I think I’m so hot half the time but I’m really a heifer. It makes no sense– I wish I could see myself the way I really am. That would help whip my fat ass into shape much faster than I am.
OH. MY. GOSH. I was just telling my best friend and sister this EXACT thing! I look at the clothes when I go shopping and say, “This size 10 looks huge, I bet I can wear that, I’m not THAT big”…can’t get it over my thighs. I must have anorexia in reverse. I see myself as thinner than I am. I think I can wear an 8 and really, I could be a Biggest Loser contestant. OK, so not really. I have 45 pounds to lose, not 100…but it may as well be 100.
Well done. Took the words right out of my mouth. I love that about you, you are real and people can relate! You rock! Blessings to you on your journey, you can do it!
Oh, and for the record…I think you look great in both pictures. No, Really. I do.
I freakin’ ADORE you! You say ALLLLLLL the things I want to say, but am too shy or timid or have the fear that someone will *gasp* judge me. You rock my world every day with your posts but, this one is RIGHT ON THE MONEY!
I’m doing that right now, though I’m 19 weeks pregnant and need to accept the fact that I’m not fitting into my pants for a reason… a GOOD reason… but some days I just feel chubby.
If you are ever near Charlotte (or more exactly, Mooresville- AKA Nascar country)- let me know. I own a nutrition company that tests your metabolism and takes ALL the guess work out of losing weight. Seriously. The biz is growing, but all my clients that have adhered to their met measurements and logged their food (yes, it’s a pain, but it works!) have gotten awesome results.
I don’t mean for this (ridiculously long) comment to be a self-promotion, but I just hate to see anyone beat up on themselves for enjoying wine and Chick-fil-a
I think a lot of overweight people (men & women) do this. I know I do — I’m always shocked to see myself in photos. Having lost 25# since January 5 on Weight Watchers I’m only now starting to look like I thought I looked all along. And the sad fact is I’ve still got another 40-50 pounds to lose. It’s a long road but I can either choose to be honest with myself and stay with the plan or I can get fatter. I’ve done the get fatter thing, it doesn’t make me happy.
I feel the same way, but the difference is I lack the confidence aspect. In my mind, I am not super skinny but I am not fat either, just chubby. It seems like every time I do lose some weight I begin eating poorly yet again
have you ever considered yoga or pilates, incorporating more fish, i’ve also read that large breakfasts help, most important meal, easy to get alot of good calories and vitamins in breakfast foods, you’ll feel full and have a smaller lunch. Also, even though they’re your sponsor and you probably don’t want them dissed, I’d ditch nutrisystem. It’s kinda soul-crushing, go lean and eat plenty of fish & chicken. Salads with oil & vinegar and whatever exciting ingredients you can think to put on. Bake healthy treats that do double duty and give you a vitamin punch. I breast-fed my daughter and lost all my weight pretty quickly aside from 10 lbs (it helps that i was 23 i think) but don’t be too hard on yourself. You look good in both pictures, food was meant to be enjoyed so find things you enjoy eating that are healthy so you don’t feel like you’re denying yourself. Think smoothies! wraps! marinated salmon over a bed that protein smart pasta with homemade pesto. Seriously though, you don’t look fat & size is just a bitchy ass number meant to make you feel like crap. Marketing execs want you to have low self esteem, it’s a form of control. Positive affirmations in the mirror despite was the number on your tag might say are a good thing!
I am totally the same. I sometimes forget how “big” i really am and think that I still look like I did when i left for college. Then I see myself in the mirror and realized “that’s right…I gained 70 pounds with my pregnancy”. Or give myself the excuse to eat badly on a day when I’ve seen that I’ve lost a couple of pounds. Oops! You’re not alone!
ps. I totally love your blog and check for new posts everyday. You totally rock!
Have you heard of Clean Eating. Its simple, common sense. Eating whole foods and minimally processed foods. I have to get going but, google it, its a lifestyle change that everyone can join in on.
Take care and I love reading your stories! Thanks for sharing what almost all of us are thinking!
I go back and forth between what you said and thinking I am bigger than I am. Sometimes I buy a piece of clothing and it is way too big and I’m like – I thought I was bigger than I am. Other times I think I look good in something than catch a view of myself in the mirrow and think “What was I was thinking?” It is weird that I can’t get a grasp on what I really look like. I wear a 12 to 14 most of the time but just can’t figure out if I am huge or normal. It’s weird how it’s hard to know what we really are and have a correct perception. I wish I was just skinny and could not worry about it one way or the other!
Seriously, could not have said it better myself. I totally do all of that, and appreciate your admitting to it.
Although, now I have to admit to it as well. Thanks for ruining my delusions, B ; )
Good luck this week!
I wrote something similar a few weeks ago. I still feel the same way. I feel good in my body until I catch a glance in the mirror, or see a picture. Then my world collapses.
I, too, have GOT TO GET THIS OFF. I need accountability. I need to be responsible. I just…I just… I don’t know anymore.
As a proud recovering Anorexic, I think Fatorexic is hilarious and not at all offensive. Love you BA!
love YOU.
I do this. As soon as I saw the title of this post I knew what you meant.
For the record, I looked at the recent picture and my first thought was, “Lookin’ pretty good!”
I hate where I am now because I lost all my baby weight and more well before he was 1. Then I gained it all back and then some. And then some more. And now it’s sticking to me (freakin Prozac). I thought I was doing well lately and then stepped on the scale this morning – not an ounce lighter. Exactly the same stupid number.
So all that to say… yeah.
I am totally fatorexic. I was just talking to my husband about this a couple weeks ago when I found out that another fat person (who I thought was fatter than me) actually weighed A LOT less than me. I told my husband that I was totally skinnier (apparently not!) than this other person, so how could she possibly weigh less than me? My husband said there was some saying he heard growing up playing sports about athletes thinking they play better than they actually do. Well, I told him that I totally have a distorted image of my own body because I think I am WAY skinnier than I actually am.
You are gorgeous.
PS- Like everyone else, I think your hair is SO cute. If you don’t mind my asking, do you get your hair colored professionally, or do you use a box? I covet your hair color.
Hi Blair – I’ve been lurking on your blog for months. I have so much respect for the changes you have made in your life since the days on TB. Really. Back on topic, I highly recommend a free website called MyFitnessPal. It’s amazing. You put in how much you weigh, how much you want to lose, and it tells you how many calories to stay under each day. I’ve been using it since January and am down over 18 lbs, and losing weight has never been easy for me. You can trade exercise calories for food calories, which is great as well. You can be “friends” with others on there as well, kind of like Facebook. If you decide to use it and want a weight loss buddy, let me know. Good luck!