I want to be one of those people that is naturally thin, whether by amazing metabolism or maybe being one of those rabbits folks that really enjoys tofu & boiled chicken on lettuce.

But I’m not.  Unfortunately, I’m part of the 99% of society that has to work for it.  & unfortunately, I’m not even very enthusiastic about working for it if we’re being honest.  I like food a lot.  If you stick a steak & loaded baked potato in front of me or a tofu salad with vinaigrette dressing, guess which one I’m going to pick without batting an eye?  & I would have ZERO remorse about it until a week later when I’m trying to zip up a silk dress with no forgiveness.  It’s not even that I go out of control to stuff myself with it, it’s just that I tend to choose fattening or sweet or unhealthy foods.  The scale doesn’t move either way, which is both good (I’m not gaining!) & bad (I’m not losing).

My good friend Regan & I had lunch the other week & Regan looks amazing – she’s dropped two dress sizes & is training for the Disney Marathon.  She’s always been beautiful, but now she’s rocking new clothes & a snazzy new haircut & it’s just like, that’s it.  Womankind can give up because Regan has arrived.  I asked her what was different after years of attempting to lose weight.  Trying different programs, different inspirations, etc.  & she said it just finally “clicked” for her.   She decided she’d had enough.

It spoke to me, because I’m THERE.  I’ve been counting calories, trying to be more active, trying to make decent decisions while not completely eliminating things from my diet.  When it comes to maintaining, I’m kicking ass & taking names.  I haven’t gained or dropped a pound since Christmas – I’ve stayed within 0.2 of my current weight.  But it’s not working for weight loss & unfortunately, weight loss is what I need.  I know this is going to sound a little loopy & controversial to some but that’s okay – I don’t do well with “grey area” in weight loss.  I don’t do well with points or calorie-counting because if there is ANY room for a cupcake or a steak, I’m going to take it & run.  RUN FAR, FAR AWAY.  I’ve proved that these past two months – I can do points & calorie-counting to maintain, but not to lose.  I DON’T GET IT EITHER.  But in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a huge deal.  It’s just something to accept about myself, knowing I need rigid structure to lose, & calorie-counting tools to maintain.

I mean, it’s not all that different than knowing that shirt dresses are NEVER a good look for me no matter how “in” they are right now.

But I have had it with my size.  Including the current feeling of my hips pressing against the arms on my desk chair.  Tired of rotating through the same four dresses & one pair of jeans that actually fit well.  Fearing that October will come & I won’t want to go to my high school reunion because of the number on my jeans.  So this weekend, I dusted off the Nutrisystem I stowed away when I was on Risperdal.  I packed a spinach salad, boiled egg, carrots & red pepper slices for lunch with Nutrisystem soup.  & I’m going to a Zumba class tonight after Harrison goes to bed.

::click::

When did it click for you?  What made it click?

p.s.  what the hell do I wear to Zumba?