Okay, fellow mommas. How many of you have swiped the butt paste?
Come on. I KNOW YOU HAVE.
(oh. you haven’t? It’s just me? I’m the weirdo? okay, then.)
I don’t know what’s going on with my butt lately, but I think it’s my thong the fact that my ass has grown so large definitely my thong. You know that upper part of your butt cheek region above your tailbone? It was just…uncomfy. & I figured if Aveeno can work magic under a diaper, then surely it can help under a pair of Jockeys.
I hop out of the shower as Nate hops in & I ask, “Are we going to have sex tonight?” I’m pretty matter-of-fact about it & Nate’s like, “Uhh, sure. It’s Valentine’s Day. Why?”
I take a deep sigh & wave goodbye to romance as it sails out the window. “Because,” I explain slowly. “I need to know whether I should put on the butt paste now, or wait until later if we’re going to do it.”
silence.
more silence.
deafening silence.
“This is the difference between marriage & dating,” Nate finally says from behind the shower curtain. “Butt paste.” I nod miserably in agreement.
i just almost died laughing!
Oh my!! I am laughing my ass off here! Too funny!
Dead.
Wait, you wear a thong post baby?? My husband hasn’t seen me in a thong in…. Yeah I don’t remember. Love this!
Notice that I didn’t say it was pretty & obviously, I got ass-chafing from it
Ya know… I never thought of using it like that. Great idea! I’m having said same issues and I don’t wear thongs!
Oh yeah, I died btw.
:::dead:::
Lol!!! now that is romance.
..and this is why I don’t wear thongs anymore. For some reason, I just can’t find them comfortable.
hahahahaha.
Your husband is right…It’s like, is it okay to start farting in front you now because I’m exhausted from trying to hold it in?
I have seven years of farts held in.
GOD HELP US ALL.
As a man, I can appreciate you taking a moment to decide to “paste up” post coitus as opposed to throwing caution to the wind and see what happens.
This post made me chuckle.
This is totally gross and can’t believe I am saying it but I use vasaline…it works great when my butt hurts :]
::dying::
Since it’s all honest in here, I will admit to having the same conversation but involving (don’t believe I’m saying this) preparation H during the last uncomfortable month of pregnancy (and after, too, probably.)
OMG………No you didn’t!!!! bwwwaaaaha…. thanks, I needed that laugh today!!!
You know you’re a mom when you can discuss diarrhea, butt-chafing, and the ramifications of using your child’s butt paste in between bites of turkey burger and poppyseed slaw, right?
Be sure to throw it back in his face if he ever needs you to apply hemmorroid cream b/c “he can’t reach it”. Bwahaha!
Awe.some.
Maybe it’s your thong? I am amazed at how uncomfortable and unwearable lace is. How does something hurt so badly on the tailbone? I don’t understand it but I do know that I love 100% cotton. So much more comfortable!
wait, I don’t get it…. Your upper butt/tailbone is chaffed? This sounds awful and painful.
But I’m feeling that spot on myself now and it’s the least likely to be fat-chaffed on my body… inner thighs, yes, boob to boob-kind of, FUPA that just won’t quit no matter how many workouts I do or pounds I lose-yeah..
But the tailbone? that’s just crazy! LOL!
Oh, and if you’re not farting in front of Nate I can’t even comment, because thats’ crazier than tailbone chaffing!
Yeah, you know between your cheeks, like from the tailbone up to the top of the crack? That half is chafed
I’m a sad panda over it.
oh, and funny addition to dating vs. marriage
we had to go to a wake on Sunday and I wore the most uncomfortable shoes.. they fit me before kids but apparently even my feet got fat post-baby.. now they are pinching freaking make your eyes water tight.. but they’re way cute and whatever.. you get it I’m sure.
So, I wore them, but I brought a pair of slippers for when I was driving and Dan says to me, ” yeah, if we were dating you’d have kept the hot shoes on until your eyes were bleeding. But ::Sigh:: we’re married, so ugly fuckin slippers it is.
LOL!
HA!!!! YES.
Oh, totally normal. I have found my son’s Desitin to be a most soothing experience after a particularly nasty bout with diarrhea.
I have 2 questions burning in my head after this:
1. How in God’s name does a person hold in gas for 7 years of marriage without having a stroke of some kind? (I am in awe of you.)
2. What would happen if you had sex AND had on butt paste? Would there be burning? Helpful lubrication? A friendly fragrance?
I’m going to be thinking about this post all day. I can feel it…
LMAO!!
Hilarious!
I haven’t had the need to use anything for thong chaffing.
However…you don’t fart in front of him? My poor hubby. I only hold it in if I have to…like we’re in public or have guests or doing the bedroom dance.
God bless you!
Thanks for the laugh though!
@ Erica – Oh my, I just died at your comments! So hilarious and I was totally thinking the same thing!
Completely geeking out at my desk. This is marital awesomeness at its finest.
I really want to know what this has to do with wings… But lmao, I’m not going to lie… I’ve done it too. And seriously, I’m loling at the comments.
I’ve had to use up whole tubes of Aveeno butt cream on my horrible postpartum crotch rot issues. I also walk around scratching that general area like a sweaty, fat man for weeks after I have a baby. So sexay. And, personally, I’m happy my husband and I are both on the same page about thongs. I find them terribly uncomfy and he thinks they are unsanitary and is not at all turned on by them. Win! Good luck with your butt, BA
Theoretically speaking, if one’s husband were to get chafed after 3 days walking around Disney World and said husband’s wife didn’t want to leave the park early, said wife might just spend 30 minutes walking around Epcot looking for another mom carrying a full-fledged diaper bag (guaranteed to contain butt paste) and ask her to put some on a restaurant napkin to share with her “baby” (for whom she is such a “bad mommy” because she forgot to pack some) and then hand the napkin to her husband directing him to the closest restroom to apply. Speaking, theoretically and not from personal experience, of course.
You crack me up. I would never be brave enough to post this on the internet. =]
HOLY SHIZ!
You just wrote about me and my husband. The only difference is this:
Me: Are we going to have sex tonight?
DH: I don’t know, maybe?????
Me: Well I need to know.
DH: Why?
Me: So I know if I need to put the white dots on my face to dry up my zits or not.
Oh Thank you sooo much for this you have NO idea how badly I needed this post today!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
That is the funniest thing I have heard all day. And so true. I did the same thing for awhile when I had chafing in my thigh crease. Glad it’s not just me
I’d much rather talk about butt paste with my hubby than date ever again!
This is the phone conversation between the hubs and I today (I’ll preface this by saying I’m 35 weeks preggo and pee 3-5 time a night):
Me: Hi baby, how’s lunch and your day going? Oh, btw, I hope its ok, but I decided to quit flushing at night. Its only pee and I go so much during the night that I figured I’d save on the water.
Him: Uh…., yeah, I noticed that this morning. Whatever you need to do, baby.
True Love!
I did that, too! I just stopped flushing unless I’d peed 2-3 times in it. Gross. But efficient.
Totally rolling on the floor.
Um, actually, no…I’ve never used Ellie’s butt cream before and now I’m wondering why I never thought of this myself. You are like a modern day Heloise with your helpful hints. More please!
You wear a thong? After a baby! WOW! I just purged my drawer of thongs. I look awful in one now. Maybe I just need to get new ones…or a new body or something.
1) I have butt-chaffing via thongs too. Thank you, thongs and my daily afternoon walk.
2) I have never farted in front of my husband. Reason #2390482309 we’re soul mate sisters.
YOU make everything hysterical. Thank you for being so real. My goodness I’m embarrassing myself by LOL in the middle of my super quite office!
Tell me you’re kidding. You’re joking right? Actually tell me you AREN’T kidding because that’s what just made me laugh like crazy! And…another difference between dating and marriage? Farting is no longer a thing that you’re embarrassed about, but instead you guys just giggle when one of them really stank up the house!
Hope you had some great Valentine’s sex! ; )
Ohhh my goodness! I feel like we’ve got at least 10 members to the ‘non-flatulance in front of the hubs’ support group already!
Hi, my name is “insertnamehere” and I’ve been holding it in for 6 years now.
God help the ozone if we all ever let it out.
BAHAHAHAHA. Thank you for that.
so i don’t have kids, but i do have diaper rash cream. and i use it. that’s all i’m going to say.
You kill me.
best.post.ever.
what I’ve compiled from the responses is this one, huge question:
Why aren’t you gals passing gas?!?!?!?!?!
OMG, I die. This is hilarious. Butt paste!? That’s a new one!! Good to know for those nights when I’m just not in the mood! haha
ohhhhhh gosh. same with pooping & leaving the door open. oops. sorry, babe.
((and i just read you don’t fart in front of him?! God bless your soul.))
Dear Blair,
Get a bigger pair of panties, then they won’y chaff.
OLIVE HUE,
firefly
Yup, not gonna lie…
When I had the “2 way flu” I was in need of some serious derriere repair…
That stuff? Heavenly.
Hadn’t thought to use butt paste in this way….but on second thought, I think it’s a great tip! Thanks
Hilarious! Hope you are feeling better today.
Seriously you need to go to Victoria secret and get their no seam body wear underwear. It is not visible under anything and you never have to wear a thong again.
OMG you are hilarious, seriously I got my morning chuckle in because of you today!
the thong is the surprise to me here…not the butt paste.
only because I don’t think I even own a thong anymore.
but I SOOO use the butt paste.
oh yeah. he’s a keeper.
OMG. Too funny!
BTW, Your son and my son share the same birthday, but mine was born in 2010. What a special day!
Ummm, how about my come on line the other night, “Hey babe, I shaved my legs…”
Yeah, we’re def married.