Diary of a Mean Girl.

by heirtoblair on February 11, 2011

I watched them from afar, trembling whenever they came close.  I never knew whether they would bestow a benevolent smile or scowl at my imperfection.   It started in third grade – whispers on the playground in small huddles.  In fourth grade, I spent an entire night sobbing when I was denied a birthday party invitation.  In eighth grade, I listened to the jeers about my height & love of literature.  I slouched at my desk in high school, desperately hoping they would ignore my pants that were too short, the wrong brand, & awkward on my long legs.

But they never ignored an opportunity.  They always found a stray thread on my self-confidence to pull, ripping the seams & shredding my self-worth.

Those girls grew up.  Backpacks became Kate Spade bags & slap bracelets became diamond rings.   & they have a new playground – Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, message boards.

Mean girls, set to conquer & destroy, but now with a keyboard & barbed fingers.

A few years ago, I stumbled across a community of message boards – I was a lonely newlywed, young & looking for friendship.  On these boards, I found my very best friends.  During the day, we would sneak online during lunch breaks to check-in, chatting about everything from home decor to sex to tips on merging bank accounts.  At night & on weekends, we would meet for coffee dates & walks around the local lake.   We were kind & funny, but over time, we spent more energy on the message boards & branched out into the community.  & I discovered the mighty weight of my words & “popularity” on the boards.

With a few strokes on the keys, I could tap out a rapid-fire response & whittle my words into any form.  I quickly learned the art of “snark,” otherwise known as a comeback laced with snap & sarcasm & irony.  Anyone who dared question my authority over the board was met with an arched eyebrow & biting retort, sending folks straight into pearl-clutching & panty-twisting.  I was smart.  Biting.  Witty.  But cruel.

The worst part is?  I thought I was being funny.  In my heart & mind, I was being tongue-in-cheek & full of sass.  People were afraid of me & I got a high off the ass-kissing & pontificating.  I thought I was “harmlessly” educating stupid questions that were deserving of snide remarks, punishment for inadequacy.  Looking back, I was simply being cruel.  I had become the mean girl that I feared in grade school, preying on others insecurities to buffer the sting of my own. & there lies the heart of the entire tragic existence:

Why is a mean girl so mean?

Because she sucks at life.  She’s over-compensating for what is missing in her life.  & she’s an asshole.

Really.  Trust me, I am an expert on this subject as proven above.

When I think back on all of the time wasted on the internet, belittling someone’s values & intelligence, I am only faced with the void in my own life.  I had nothing important to weigh me down to earth or hold me responsible for my actions.  Nothing that demanded responsibility to humanity or myself.  I thought that my words bounced through the air, never really landing or causing harm with any permanence.  As if the people behind the other computer screens were not real people with hearts & feelings.

I was wrong.

I never fully realized the implications of my actions until I looked at Harrison & was faced with his innocence.  I am responsible for shaping his life & his value of humanity.  When he sees his mother acting so recklessly, what does that teach him?  Who am I to teach him that another person’s thoughts, creativity, feelings, & values are wrong?  I realized under the humbling weight of motherhood that I needed to change.

Unfortunately, I can never take back those words that I flung so carelessly to strangers.  Even if I tried, I could not find every individual that I spoke to & apologize for my cruelty.  In many circles, my online reputation is shattered & I pay for it daily with emails & trolling on my personal blog. A digital footprint is not easily erased.

If you are ever hounded by an online mean girl, please take heart – it’s not you, it’s her.  She is intimidated by something she sees in you because it reflects something inside of her – either something she hates to see in herself, or more often, pure jealousy over what she lacks in comparison.  (remember, I’m an expert on this)

If you are tempted to play the roll of the mean girl, I beg you to stop & think before hitting “send” or “publish.”  What is your motivation?  Would you say it to your child?  Your mother?  Mother Teresa herself?  Those words will be there forever.  Make sure they are words you are willing to stand by forever.

You, with your words like knives & swords & weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again, got me feeling like I’m nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I’m wounded
You, picking on the weaker man…
But all you are is mean
~Taylor Swift

__________________________________

If you are someone I have hurt in the past, I am sorry.  Truly.  If I could take back those words & be a friend to you today, I would in a heartbeat.  I hope you accept my apology & if you would like a more specific one, I would love for you to email me so we can talk.  (heirtoblairblog@gmail.com)

{ 170 comments… read them below or add one }

Rebekah @ mom-in-a-million February 11, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Thank you for writing this.

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Leslie February 11, 2011 at 3:21 pm

This might be my favorite post of yours…like, ever.

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Alyssa February 11, 2011 at 3:23 pm

we’re all guilty of it, props to you for this post. and check out http://www.kindcampaign.com

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Jessica S February 11, 2011 at 3:24 pm

It takes a strong woman to admit when she is wrong, you make a wonderful mother, b/c you grow daily and you learn from your mistakes. God Bless you and your little adorable family.

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Courtney February 11, 2011 at 3:24 pm

I can relate to being an accidental mean girl. When I was in high school my best friend and I thought we were funny, and while most people never heard the things we said it was plain old mean. Looking back now I see what I was really doing, and sometimes I still feel a twinge of shame when I remember my behavior. Thank you for sharing this, I think it’s really brave of you to admit that you are a recovering meanie ;)

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Sharone February 11, 2011 at 3:25 pm

I can so relate to the crying all night over a non-invite to a party, and all the other things. And while I may not say snarky things on message boards, I have to work so hard to tame my mean, sarcastic inner monologue and the awful things that too often come out of my mouth. I’m with you 100% – in those moments, my sarcastic wit is the *only* way in which I might be superior to the person I’m ridiculing.

I love you for writing this post. You can’t un-say those things you said, but you can change, and help other people to change too. :)

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Courtney February 11, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Thanks for writing this. No “snark” was ever as painful as the simple “thumbs down” I received from a very sassy BlairWaldorf a few years back. I hope this reaches some of the other mean girls who seem to run thebump these days…

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Jaime (@ James & Jax) February 11, 2011 at 3:35 pm

I remember you on *unnamed message board* and I remember thinking simultaneously that you were really mean but that you were also hilarious. A few times, I actually sought threads where you’d commented! I admit I tended to not post on the same thread you had chimed in on because I was nervous you’d call me out! But if I hadn’t noticed you on that message board, I’d never have read your blog and come to know how deep, funny, truthful, and emotional you really are.

I love love love your blog–it is probably my favorite one–and I think of you now as an admirable woman, a blogger I look up to, and a fantastic momma to Harrison!

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Kim February 11, 2011 at 3:37 pm

High five, girl. You know better now. Change is good!
There are some that never changed. Too bad for them, wasting their time being ridiculous on the internet. You have to wonder what it would take for them…

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Law Momma February 11, 2011 at 3:37 pm

I really want to write something awesome here but all I can say is…

nothing.

I’ve got nothing. xoxoxoxoxoxo

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Brandi February 11, 2011 at 3:39 pm

This was a great post. Alot of people on “said message board” should read this!!

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jen @ a little barefoot blog February 11, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I remember you from those days. I hope you know that the change is evident in your words. even before this post. we are all young and stupid at some point, and I believe we are nothing if we can’t find it in ourselves to change when necessary. kudos to you.

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Jessica February 11, 2011 at 3:41 pm

I’ve followed your blog for a while and I have enjoyed watching you become such a real, honest person that takes on topics most people wouldn’t. Your blog is a ray of sunshine in a mostly cloudy world.
~Thank you~

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Esperanza February 11, 2011 at 3:41 pm

This was a very nice post. Thank you for writing it. I was tormented by the mean girls but I can be one myself sometimes too, I’m sure. Actually, I know I can. I try not to be, but I am.

How does it feel now, to be one of the popular ones? I’ve always wondered. Maybe some day I’ll know… I’m glad that you’re using your power now for good. That is nice.

I was wondering, what inspired this post? Was it something in the on-line community? Something at home with your son? Just curious.

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Heather B. February 11, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I’m pretty sure anything with xx chromosomes can relate to this! Your honesty is beautiful. Remember to not beat yourself up for past mistakes and now that you’ve apologized, just keep walking. There will, unfortunately, always be mean girls and we (as women) need to recognize exactly what you said in that they are overcompensating. Love them regardless, because they are probably hurting worse then their prey.

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Alena February 11, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Whew BA. I know we have talked about this ad nauseam but while I regret a lot of my actions and words…I am glad that I learned something about myself…and other mean girls. But I’m much much happier being me the way that I am with out wearing the cloak of someone much more spiteful and hateful.

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Joanna February 11, 2011 at 3:44 pm

this took serious balls to write. good for you.

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irys09 February 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Thumbs up.

It’s amazing how much our kids can change us, and make us better people.

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Jess@Straight Talk February 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Wow. No words. But you spoke for a lot of us. Perfect.

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Trish February 11, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I’m glad you are talking about this…..

We were only the same message board together when we were pregnant.

I was always afraid to ask questions (to me they were valid) but when someone else would ask the questions, they were always brought down by you and your “crew”. So I sat in silent anonymity and hoped that some of the questions I wanted to know the answers to would be asked by someone else and that it would get a real answer other than, biting comments.

However, you and I have talked privately by email…not about this stuff, but I shared very private things with you about my daughter and I knew that was not the “real” you.

I believe you have a good an honest heart….but eventually Karma does come around to get us all….just something for people to keep in mind…. :)

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pregali80/alisha February 11, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Well said. “As if the people behind the other computer screens were not real people with hearts & feelings.”

As someone who participated in a few feisty trimester boards, it always bugged me when I saw the “Oh no, you hurt my E-Feelings” jokes. While that’s kinda funny, it was like, uh you are still a human and these people on the internet kinda care.

Snark and all can be fun, but sometimes it goes over the edge. Its why I got away from all those boards. Till you know, maybe the next time I’m pregnant ;)

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Robyn February 11, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Blair, nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. I believe in forgiveness and amends. You’ve done your part and if there are people out there who cannot accept that, it is their failing and not yours. While I actually miss your insight on the Bump, I think you’ve done well for yourself by staying away. I’m glad I stumbled upon this blog today and just wish you the best.

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irys09 February 11, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Also, FWIW a lot of people on that message board still carry the snark and nasty comments even when its uunprovoked. I wish everyone could have the same ‘ah-ha’ moment.

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Suzanne February 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I also followed you on the message board throughout your pregnancy, which roughly correlated with mine. I actually found your blog when I miscarried, which was right about the same time you got pregnant with Harrison. Your blog was so supportive after I miscarried. But I hardly ever commented on the Tri boards due to my fear of being snarked on. So I stayed on the loss board, even though I felt a link to you since I related to much to the loss you had.

I have seen you change and progress a lot since then. You have been through a lot. You are a strong person. This took courage. I will continue to read your blog because of honesty like this. Thanks.

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justine February 11, 2011 at 4:00 pm

i was in that same online community. i never engaged in much of the banter, as i was generally just there for some support. but the last time i was on, was the last time i will go on. because someone said something mean to me when i “broke a rule” that i didn’t even know about.

thank you. thank you for writing this. thank you for recognizing it. i loved some of the support that i got from the boards, but i hated seeing the way some girls were talked to when they asked “stupid questions”. even though it doesn’t change what was said, it’s good to know that you care enough to apologize.

i knew i liked you.

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Amanda February 11, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I learned a lot for those “message boards” and while I definitely have to hang my head a bit for being a mean girl I also am glad I hit that hard road to learn from it.

This is an awesome post, and an honest one. I can only hope other “mean girls” take the plunge and step away to reflect on what they have become.

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LIZ February 11, 2011 at 4:05 pm

i must say, i’m very glad to be away from those message boards…

i was very intimidated by you, then, there… i too stayed as anonymous as possible over there… for fear of saying something stupid.

but i’m glad you are at this place,here… i’m glad your popular voice has direction and purpose, and heart, now. and i’m glad i follow your blog.

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Coco February 11, 2011 at 4:07 pm

While I haven’t been a part of those boards (I’m on thenest) I know that there are snarky people all over the boards that I’m on. I usually sit back and let other people get their heads chewed off. I think it’s been clear from your postings that that isn’t you. You’re an honest, open, flawed woman like the rest of us and I appreciate your blog.

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Ashley Gurski February 11, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I love you. that is all.

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ann @ mylifeasprose February 11, 2011 at 4:08 pm

great post, b.

aside from the sometimes teasing of northerners [or as you call us, yankees], i can’t say i’ve ever taken offense. and that goes back generations and really has nothing to do with you or me. :)

seriously, though, i admire your candor here. you are a quick witted, well-written woman, and there is a lot of power there. good for you for keep it in check, and reminding the rest of us to do the same.

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bonzer-christina February 11, 2011 at 4:12 pm

great post. I was a mean girl long before you were maybe even out of High school yet. I was a mean girl on the pre-board you speak of board, known as “wedding woes”
Granted, some of the meanness was well deserved-the bride looking to turn live animals loose at her wedding reception, the newlywed looking to euthanize their dog because it peed on her new pottery barn bedset…
Granted I could have said things more nicely. I could have thought before typing, but that’s the problem with typing, all you see in front of you is 10pt font, not a face, a tear, a frown.. just font. And who cares about font?

Very well said Blair, and very true. we should all try to be more tolerant of each other…. for the most part ;)

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Cari February 11, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I think every girl/woman is guilty of being the mean girl at one point in there lives! The best thing to do is own it and apologize for it! Thanks for the reminder that we should try and figure out the void in our lives before we try and tear someone else down.

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BethT February 11, 2011 at 4:15 pm

When I was only a few days postpartum (read: sleep deprived, crazed and weepy), I fell asleep while my infant was awake in her bouncy seat. I felt terrible about this, though she was perfectly safe, and went on to see if anyone could related. They ripped me a new one and I cried for HOURS over what a terrible mother I was. The worst part? I deleted the thread and some jerk started a new thread to talk about how stupid I was for deleting it. I couldn’t believe the stupidity. Needless to say, I haven’t been back. I hope someone posts a link to this post on those boards…it’s so ridiculous.

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bekah February 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I was totally afraid of you on the boards during pg. Just saying.

Also, you are nothing like that now. Your e-personality has changed a lot since you had Harrison.

That is meant to be a compliment by the way.

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Steph February 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm

ITA with everything you wrote, Blair. 100%. Best post I’ve read in a long time from any blogger.

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Kacia February 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

you are above and beyond, BA. your humility and character speaks volumes – and nothing i say in this comment will even come close to the beautiful and humble words you chose in this post.

I’m so honored to be your friend – and Sister from another mister… duh! :O)

xoxo

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ibis February 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I am impressed. This is gutsy & classy… not that I didn’t think you were those things. But I have never seen someone write this kind of post before and I can think of a few who should!

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Kristin, Max's Mom February 11, 2011 at 4:36 pm

I “met” you on the NC message board years ago when you had a different screen name, and when I joined the Tri boards during pregnancy (I was 6 weeks behind you), I was shocked when I put two and two together and realized your new online persona was the same girl I remembered from a few years before. I was sure the “snarky girl” wasn’t the real you, and I’m so happy to see this post. It gives me hope that even “mean girls” that have been at it a lot longer might also someday feel regret for their actions.

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Laura February 11, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I was on those boards too at the same time (I was jwpbride) and I think it’s interesting how a lot of us have come to this conclusion afterward. Almost like high school- in the moment we think it’s awesome and hilarious and so funny, but looking back later we realize how pointless it all was.

I guess I’m still technically on the boards, but mainly a smaller one with a close-knit community of people who talk much more outside of the-website-which-will-not-be-named. :) I mean, when I was pregnant, I had all day long to sit around chit-chat on there, but now… well- things are a good bit busier! haha

I think it’s awesome that you wrote this. It was so easy to be snarky and judge someone when you’re typing to a screen, not talking to a face; but it’s a lot harder to admit you were wrong and apologize.

BTW, I’ll be in Charlotte (I live about 15 minutes out from there!) for the March of Dimes! We’re still coming up with a team name, but maybe we’ll see you and your team there!

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Chelcie @ FAB February 11, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Yep, you def were the queen of snark! Sometimes funny yes, but mostly hurtful. One of the reasons I won’t even touch The Bump anymore, as a lot of girls you and your crew were mean to have jumped in where you all left off. It is nice to see you have come full circle and see that actions create reactions. Motherhood is a weird thing, isn’t it? I was that girl in grade and high school, putting others down. As mother I think we start realizing everyone is somebody’s baby, and make a change.

Much love mama. Your post hit home fo’ sho’.

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ciria February 11, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Good to see this. This was one of the many reasons I had to quit the bump…not just from you, but from many. It was exhausting.

-ciria aka mrsiselacb of the bump circa 2008/09

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Aggie February 11, 2011 at 4:53 pm

I don’t have much to add, except to say that I don’t remember you being particularly hateful. There’s a difference in snarkiness and bitchiness, and I still believe some of us understood that and rocked it (denial? perhaps.)

There were mean girls for sure, but you weren’t one of them. Still, the point is that you felt you were and you did the right thing by owning it.

I emailed you this morning, for the first time. It’s completely lighthearted, so click on it if the mea culpas overwhelm you.

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Aly February 11, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Thank you for writing this. I was on those message boards with you all during our pregnancies and first few months of new mommyhood. I remember you ate me alive for asking how much weight other people had gained. My simple questions (mostly about my insecurity about gaining so much) turned into a huge mockery of everything I posted for the next several days. I realized at that point that you must be insecure yourself because why else would someone attack someone else over a harmless question. I never hated you or anything, but I did let you off the hook. You were nevermore this icon of the boards, but rather a scared almost new mama like me who instead of being nice, turned to making others feel small. Once you had Harrison though, I could tell right away that those mean girl days were behind you. It has been evident in your posts on that board and on your blog. I have been so glad to see that mean girl image shed off of you and watch you become the woman you present to us now. You are someone I would be friends with now. So happy you are not mean anymore!!!

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heirtoblair February 11, 2011 at 5:00 pm

::thinks back to the 50+ pounds I gained::

oh my. I do believe we’ve found our culprit as jealousy & insecurity on my part.

& I am thankful we can be friends :)

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Michelle February 11, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Good for you to recognize the pain you might have caused other. It is so easy to be mean on the internet….but it takes a real human being to be nice.

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Therese February 11, 2011 at 4:57 pm

BethT – I think everyone has fallen asleep with their newborn in a safe place! I remember one time that DD was in the bouncer, I was on the couch, & my mom was on the love seat. We ALL fell asleep! :) I’m sorry you were given a hard time about it!

BA – It’s funny b/c I have been around that community for a number of years now. I’m on my 2nd pregnancy and occasionally lurk on the boards. There are always mean girls and many of them seem to disappear after giving birth. I even heard of a couple that changed their SN’s b/c they felt badly about how they treated others on the tri-boards. LIke they say, “having a baby changes everything!” :)

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Ann February 11, 2011 at 5:04 pm

You were part of a crew on the tri boards. One that terrorized others. One that even picked apart and harassed girls that were once part of the crew. Everyone was afraid to post regular comments and threads out of fear of being ripped apart. And what’s worse was later learning that this crew did so much more than just call people names on the boards.

What I find to be funny in an ironic sense is that very few of these girls are still on the boards, if at all. Motherhood does indeed change you and if it hasn’t changed you from being a mean girl, perhaps it’s time to take a break from the online world.

I remember when the “ring leader” posted for the first time after giving birth. She was going through feeding issues with her newborn. I remember her picking me apart while on the tri boards and thinking that karma will soon pay a visit. Yet, when she posted of her issues I felt for her and offered support. As did other women who were victims of her cruel games. Not because we wanted to be ass kissers but because women who aren’t mean girls understand how far compassion goes and truly understand that on the other side of the screen is a mom needing some help. Welcome to the club, Blair.

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Kimberly February 11, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Wow…mad respect for you BA…that takes a hell of a lot to admit and to own what you did. Hell of a lot.
So proud of you.

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Mama Marchand February 11, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Oh … message board snarkiness. I left my birth board the minute that the snark started because seriously, we all have better things to do than sit around and belittle people that we don’t know for (most of the time) legit concerns!

I am SO glad you posted this! I hope it goes “viral” and the mean girls out there ‘fess up and move on. I have been following for awhile now and I can tell in just the past few months that you’re growing and evolving! Keep rockin’, mama.

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Katy P February 11, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I am amazed at how very many people have commented on this post after being teased, abused, and just put down in general by Miss BA. I was one of them too and you, my dear, are the thing that single-handedly made me leave those boards cold-turkey. It is incredible how far-reaching the internet is and how very painful and stinging the words of cyberpeople can be. I am SO thankful for your change and am 100% convinced that motherhood is the cure. It is amazing how much the innocence of a small face can change us. Continue to seek truth diligently, sister.

Loyally.
KP

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Sandie February 11, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Wow. I’ve been a fan of your blog for a few months now and have been impressed by your honesty and compassion. I must admit that I am enough older than you that I don’t even know really what “the boards” are. I don’t think Al Gore had invented the interwebs when I was pregnant with my first child in 1994… However, I do know enough about life in general to know that admitting something like this to yourself to say nothing of others and in such a public forum takes great big, brass balls! Kudos to you!

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Nat February 11, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Today: I think you rock

1 year and 10 months ago: totally disliked you. (on the un-named boards that is)

Writing this post takes balls and I think you’re awesome for it… =)

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Torie@Life With Rylie February 11, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I too started out on the message board that shall not be named. That is how I came in contact with all these great bloggers. It started with Blair and grew from there. I was always scared to post on the boards. Just didn’t want to get torn apart. I alway thought that deep down you were not that “mean” girl you portrayed. Reading your blog and communicating on twitter showed the better side. The side that I knew was the real Blair and not the message board Blair :)

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Mama Fisch February 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

So, I followed you on those boards through my pregnancy and I remember thinking that I thought you were funny…until you started making fun of things that I thought about and wondered about. I lurked for so long because I was so fearful of being on those boards because I did not want to be hazed.

I applaud you for seeing this. I think you are hilarious. I think you are real. I think IRL we could be very good friends. I think you like anyone else deserve to be able to move on and be forgiven!

Thanks for writing this…just one more reason why I think you rock!

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pam February 11, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Thank you for writing this. I’m a huge fan of your blog and did first find you on the message boards..i haven’t looked at them since the day i found out i was pregnant…the day i found out i had no one to tell, and i thought it would be fun to post on said boards, but i was too new/unknown and therefore not worthy to post a BFP! post, and the hurtful, terrible things some wrote (not you, just others) made my most special day into a really painful one…just because you say something with a keyboard doesn’t take away the sting…so anyway, sorry for the rant, this just struck a cord…and btw i think your blog rocks!!!

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jackie s February 11, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Yea, I am one of those girls you bullied on thebump.com, and i felt like an ass and was embarrassed by what I asked. I actually changed my username so people couldnt see the riducule i got for my question.
but over the past year, and reading your blog, and raising our sons that were born months from eachother, ive grown to like you and your sense of humor.

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Jenny Cruger February 11, 2011 at 5:43 pm

You know, it’s a vicious cycle really. I felt like I was bullied on “those” boards a lot, and in turn I felt I needed to turn around and give it back to protect myself. There were a lot of awful, untrue things said to me/about me and I know I did my fair share back. I don’t go there anymore b/c I’m not proud of the person those boards made me at all. Thank you for this.

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Mrs.TrophyWife February 11, 2011 at 5:44 pm

I stay away from that message board now, too. I found myself being drug into petty drama, hateful words, and bitchiness disguised as hilarity. It’s so refreshing to find true kindness in women online.

I adore you, BA :)

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Jennifer February 11, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I didn’t post much on that board because the few times I did, I was pounced on like a wounded gazelle. Not from you, mostly from the older woman, who’s ginger complexion was reflected in her screen name. I think a lot of the mean girls on that board got off on being nasty, and they were always competing, so it was easy to get wrapped up in it. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Motherhood does change things, and I think you’ve had quite a big change.

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Melora February 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I think Motherhood changes us all. . .for the better. It seems to push us into Sisterhood. Congrats on being a changed woman!

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Tiffany February 11, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Good for you writing this…I dont know that many people would.
Thats pretty cool.

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The Mommy February 11, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I never knew you from your mean girl days and (obviously) I’m glad for that. I am always surprised by the cruelty of some in the blogging/on-line world. It hit me the most when I realized someone had dedicated an entire SITE to hating on a particular blogger. That, to me, takes “mean girl” to a whole new level.

Someone commented here that all women are a “mean” girl at some point or another. I hope not. I certainly never am intentionally (although with the typed word sometimes things get pretty screwed up in interpretation) but I pray that my girls will never, ever think that it’s OK to treat someone cruelly. Defending yourself is one thing, I think, but even that doesn’t have to be done bitterly or cruelly either.

Here’s hoping that you have truly found your niche in the blogging world – away from the insecurity and anger that drove you before. Good post.

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Jessi February 11, 2011 at 6:40 pm

You were an asshole to me on TB, lol. I was an asshole back though so we’re even? Love your blog.

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Megan February 11, 2011 at 6:56 pm

I’ve never been to thebump, but it looks like a lot of people who read you originally found you through there. Do you think that some of your popularity with your blog has come from your former mean girl persona? (I find this whole thing crazy because blogwise you always seemed sweet and funny, so it’s weird for me to think of you being mean.)

It’s also kind of a crazy thing to see how many people read your blog even though you were meant to them. It seems like it’s some weird psychological compulsion to cyber-stalk people who are mean to you or who you dislike. (I totally get this. I was not a fan of the Good Woman Project the other day, and I had to make an effort to not go look at it again.)

Do you think that’s something that perpetuates mean girls? Like, everyone wants to be on the mean girl’s side to avoid her cruelty, and the best way to get on a mean girl’s good side is to be a mean girl too? I think about this stuff a lot (especially since I gave birth to a little girl.)

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Kelly C February 11, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Wow! I think most of us have played both roles in life at times. Your post convicts and encourages me! Thank you for being so transparent! :)

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mae February 11, 2011 at 7:14 pm

I remember being in our room in New York, discussing our post traumatic nest disorders, and how grateful we were to have found a path away from those boards. And then… Reluctantly asking each other if we’d ever “met” on the boards.

There were 4 smart, strong and beautiful women in that room, and every one of us could think of words we wished we’d never said. There were a hundred if there was one, easily.

I’m proud and grateful for your friendship. You were not the only one. And yes, it’s better here. In the light. Where we try to tell ourselves the truth about our strengths and challenges instead of burying our despair under the pain we cause others.

I love you. The real you.

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Kimberly February 11, 2011 at 7:33 pm

I admire you for not only admitting this, but for putting it out there for others to see. I was an addicted lurker to a certain unnamed message board, but I never got the courage to actually post. I was petrified of the snark that could come flying back at me.

But from reading your blog I’ve been able to see that you such a down to earth, nice person…and a wonderful mother! I’m glad I’m able to get to “know” you!

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Lauren C. February 11, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Remember the time you slapped me once when we were playing?? Haha!!! Love ya!!! Hugs to you and those precious boys of yours!

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heirtoblair February 11, 2011 at 7:52 pm

::chokes on laughter::

I’ll never forget it. You told my brother that I kissed Bernie on the playground & I slapped you so hard across the face. It is the only time I’ve ever slapped anyone in my life!!

Is it too late to say I’m sorry? ;)

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Chrisa February 11, 2011 at 7:48 pm

incredibly relevant to me right this exact moment in my life. How did you know I needed to read this today. Thank you!

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Laura February 11, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Wow, that was truly awesome. I’m glad you’ve learned and grown up. I remember your mean posts from the bump boards a few years ago.

“Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” – Plato

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Kourtney February 11, 2011 at 8:04 pm

You know, I would have never known you felt that way in middle school and high school. We weren’t friends growing up, but we had mutual friends, went to the same middle school and had mutual friends in high school. You always seemed confident and popular as a cheerleader. I never knew you had insecurities and people picked on you. But I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that people who make fun of others are missing something from themselves. Kudos to you for owning up to what you’ve done in the past!

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twicethesparkle February 11, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I think you’re failing to remember that you were ALSO kind and supportive on theboardthatshallremainunnamed dot com. <3

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Jenny Cruger February 11, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Megan – that was totally it for me!

I still occasionally read this blog to check back in with someone who I always felt was so horrible to me on the boards (both to my face and in just writing about me in general). You know, keep your enemies closer type of thing. ;)

And yes, it was fit in or be eaten. I am ashamed to say that for awhile I was in the “cool club” with a certain ginger person someone mentioned above and the second I disagreed with her/them, they turned on me really quickly and it was like a total opposite experience. THen I was caught somewhere in the middle, accused of ridiculous things, etc. It was insane.

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Christen February 11, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Mean girl arw not..look at all these comments of former bumpers…we found you there and I feel like i have been on this ride with you since Harpie…i haven’t left & i have no intention to. That post took guts and class.

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Nicole February 11, 2011 at 9:01 pm

You and that heyyyRed character were the reasons I stopped going on those boards. Good to see that you realized being a jerk doesn’t make you powerful or popular. Luckily I was only on there for some extra information and support as a first time mom, but I have a wonderful support network of real life family and friends. I could see through your cruelty and knew that the person behind the screenname was unhappy in their own lives, so I didn’t let it get me down. I just decided that I didn’t need that kind of negativity and stopped going on the boards. But there are others out there who really didn’t have anyone in real life to turn to and your comments may have caused REAL damage to a REAL person, not just a screen name. I started following your blog after your sons birth and didn’t make the connection between you and your Bump persona until now. Honestly, it kinda sucks to know you are one in the same. But again, its good to know you have at least seen the error of your ways. I hope your son, or any future children you have, are not subject to the same bullying you inflicted upon others.

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Kristin February 11, 2011 at 9:09 pm

I was a recipient of your snark on those boards. You once told me to crawl out of your butt because I tried to talk to you when I was new there. It was enough to make me leave and come back several months later under a different handle, lest I be remembered as the one who tried to live in Blair’s ass, when all I really wanted to do was learn about trying to conceive. I never attempted to speak to you again.

I had a very low opinion of you for a long time. But now? I find myself reading your blog more and more frequently and I’m impressed with the way you’ve grown and the self-reflection you’ve gained. Thanks for writing this. You’ve redeemed yourself in my eyes.

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Courtney B. February 11, 2011 at 9:35 pm

When I first became pregnant in 2008, I spent a brief time posting on 1st Tri. I quickly learned what ‘snark’ meant when I posted that I’d taken a few pregnancy tests and was worried because the lines were getting lighter. I got a variety of nasty comments about how I was an idiot wasting my money. One particular PIP stands out…an image of cash being dumped into a toilet. A couple days later I miscarried. I made my way over to the miscarriage/pregnancy loss board, and thank sweet baby Jesus for that because those women were my saving grace and have been a source of support for 2+ years now. I still post there because the women who I used to cry to about my empty ute are now the ones I go to when I have a question about teething, or sleeping habits or to share in the latest joy that the blessing of parenting has brought. I’m one of the lucky ones for having found a little corner of that site that is mostly filled with support and good intentions. It made 2 miscarriages and 2 years of IF bearable.

Thank you for writing this. I actually remember reading your intro post on TTCAL after losing Harpie and thinking, “She won’t last long here. We’re way too nice and snark-free.” LOL…glad to see that you’ve changed.

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brook February 11, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I had so many questions during my pregnancy but always thought twice before posting them on the tri boards in fear of public humiliation. It was like middle school for me! I lurked but tried to remain unseen!
So glad you are not that girl any more!

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Katie February 11, 2011 at 9:40 pm

I’ll admit, when we fist moved here a few years ago, I came to the NC board to try to make friends and was almost immediately put off by all of the rude comments and immaturity. So I didn’t stay there, but I remembered your screen name. Later (1+years), I popped on to ask about you (because I liked you) and you left a bitchy reply as your new name!

Then I found your blog through someone else, made the connection, and saw that you had a lot of snark and rudeness there, so I didn’t follow, but came back a while later anyway when you were pregnant (after your miscarriage) and finally you seemed chill. I didn’t *want* to like your blog, or you.

But you’ve some a long way, and now you are on my list of daily reads. And I’m surprised I’ve never run into you around town. If I did, I’d buy you some coffee and I think we’d be friends!

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heirtoblair February 11, 2011 at 9:52 pm

yes!! We should meet up for some coffee :)

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Katie February 11, 2011 at 9:49 pm

*come* a long way. oops!

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Jules February 11, 2011 at 10:29 pm

I came over here from Ashley’s blog and I’m glad I did. This is such an honest post and something needed in this day and age. Bullies were on the playgrounds when we were kids and now they’re truly everywhere, even down to a nasty text on a cell phone. It’s so much easier to bully behind a computer because the emotion of what you could be making that person feel gets taken completely out of the equation. Kudos to you for standing up to bullying and admitting you were wrong.

When I was engaged and so excited about my wedding, I used to visit the local message boards on The Knot for my city. Half the time I was afraid to post because of the girls on there. They threw snark and snide comments around like it was their job and I really didn’t want to be a part of it.

Blogging is such a great community and I truly believe in spreading happiness. There are many amazing women here that I’ve learned a lot from and some that I’ve formed real friendships with. That is something I would never want to jeopardize.

You sound like a really great person inside and I look forward to reading more of this blog.

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Michelle Roberts February 11, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Awesome post. Very well said !!

:)

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Genevieve February 11, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Great post, I love the honesty. Don’t be too hard on yourself — I think that we are all growing and changing and building our character every day of our lives. Everyone has things they are not proud of, just take it and learn from it and turn it into something positive (like you have done here).

xo
GL

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Holls February 11, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Oh that message board. I always sucked at being snarky. I sucked at it because it wasn’t “me.” I’m not always sweetness and smiles but being mean to people that asked “dumb” or “annoying” questions never felt right to me. I’m not like that IRL, but for some reason I felt I needed to be like that on the internet. Funny how grown women devolve back to high school days of trying to do the “cool” thing or doing the easiest thing (trying to be friends with the mean girls so they aren’t mean to you). What’s even more funny is that those dumb questions/comments we made fun of? Were the same questions we secretly asked close confidantes, or we were ::gasp:: wrong about.

There’s a particular group of women that come to mind when I read this post….I hope have learned this lesson and if they haven’t they need to.

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Ashley February 11, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Hey.. I’m the girl who posted a link of this on my blog (you just commented) but I did enjoy it! I’ve been being bullied by some real life “friends” as a result of innocent things I’ve put on my blog (mainly that I’m so pathetic to think that anyone would want to see m outfits and how I need to get a clue) so it was especially poignant to me. They won’t say anything to my face, but they’ll cyber bully me via facebook and my blog. They obviously don’t understand that an IP address and statcounter can tell you anything and everything you need to know about the people that read your blog. But anyways, long story short, I appreciate it. I’m sure I’ve bullied people too at one point or another and when I have it’s because of my insecurity and jealousy.

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Katie from NC February 11, 2011 at 11:17 pm

I’ve “known” you from the boards for quite a few years and I always found that your snarkiness wasn’t who I thought you must be. You were absolutely pleasant when you welcomed a bunch of strangers into your house for a Christmas party and I even sold you china and thought that you seemed quite different than your online persona. Truth be told, I was never fond of any of that drama and it sounds like you are now showing your true colors. It’s been nice to see you blossom into motherhood and I think you should stop by the NC boards again sometime. :)

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Becky @ From Ministry to Motherhood February 11, 2011 at 11:23 pm

I lurked on those boards. I was afraid of what people would say. I often would pose questions and then delete knowing someone would find a way to ‘flame’ me as my husband would say. The funny thing is I have a tendency to be wicked with my words and have often hurt people without even thinking. I really have to be careful of what I say and how I say it. Too often I have hurt those I care about with careless words and actions.

Life is about change and growth. Over the last year you’ve become a stronger person because of everything you’ve gone through and this makes you unique and special. Very few people can actually admit that they’ve wronged others and it takes a very strong woman to admit it in such a public venue. It’s truly incredible.

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Shannon February 11, 2011 at 11:31 pm

I was a lurker on the boards too, and followed you throughout your pregnancy and now – my little guy is just 2 weeks younger than Harrison. I was always terrified to post on the national boards and still stick to my local one. I think in a community of women snark is inevitable – I work at an elementary school and there are still “mean girls” in the group of teachers!

You have grown so much and remind me with all of your posts to keep growing myself! Thanks for being so honest and putting this out there!

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Teri February 11, 2011 at 11:45 pm

This post took class and a whole lot of guts! I don’t know you and have only commented once, but I’m a daily reader. Strangely I’m so proud of you! You have bared your soul on this blog and made amazing transformations. I was never snarked at on the bump, but that’s because I was to afraid to post (haha)! Your posts provided good entertainment while I was bored at work! You are not alone in being a mean girl. It is a rare woman who can say she hasn’t fallen into it at some time in her life. I have a daugther (who is a few months younger than Harrison) and it makes me sad that she will have to navigate all the games we women play.

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Emily February 11, 2011 at 11:52 pm

I remember you from the message board days, and I’ve seen your change of heart play out in your writing over the past couple of years. It’s so heartening to know that even the mean girls can come to realize how much their words can hurt.

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Patty February 11, 2011 at 11:53 pm

You guys really brought the crazy. I just remember that octopus badge and how crazy I thought you all were and wondered who had that much time to get to platinum. It’s amazing how babies can suck that toxic energy out of you and make you rethink how what you do now will shape who this person is, and how you would want them to treat people. I can’t say I feel sorry for mean girls because I’ve never been one and have never had any desire to be included on that level. I think women are their own worst enemies though, both to each other and themselves.

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Michelle Johnson February 12, 2011 at 12:57 am

Love!

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Desi February 12, 2011 at 1:00 am

This was very awesome of you! Though you never said a mean thing to me or have I known you as anyone other than the “heir to blair”, i’m sure these words made a lot of people feel good AND hopefully stop a few mean girls and make them think twice about what they are saying :).

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Jessica@The Southern Belle Baby February 12, 2011 at 1:12 am

I loved this post. While you were never mean to me on the board, there were a select few cronies of yours that despised me for whatever reason. It got to the point where I was so sick of all that ridiculous drama and belittlement (not just for me, but for everyone else that I saw get attacked needlessly) that I just quit. Best move I ever made! It’s very apparent that insecurity breeds meanness and jealousy, and people tend to get brave when they’re hiding behind a keyboard. So glad you’re done with that world and aren’t afraid to just be your sweet self. Because you’re pretty awesome the way you are, BA!

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Brandis Trionfo February 12, 2011 at 10:07 am

I remember those days & I spent quite a bit of time perfecting the art of snark, as well. It’s interesting to me, looking back, because I’m like a completely different person now than I was then- & you wouldn’t catch me on those message boards again if it would save my life.

Maybe I was rocking the mean-ness a little too much, too, because I don’t remember you being that mean.

But one ugly word from someone who took what I was saying out of context & I fled the boards & haven’t gone back.

Either way, I’m thankful for the boards for the friends I’ve met & the connections I made, & I think you’re awesome, plain & simple. If I were in your area, I’d totally want to hang out with you.
:)

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Tara February 12, 2011 at 10:39 am

I was pregnant the same time as you and totally remember your snark from first tri on. Honestly, you said alot of the things people were thinking but didn’t want to say. I do believe you became mean as the popularity grew, but as you said, having a baby is a huge slap in the face wake up call. I always lurked, so never was the source of the flames, but I have to wonder if any of your friends feel the same as you do now? What happened to everyone? Your crew was so popular and ran havoc on the boards, then everyone disappeared! Or hid behind a new name…

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Curbsideprophet February 12, 2011 at 11:49 am

Good post BA. I agree with everything Katie from NC said.

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Nicole Yarid February 12, 2011 at 11:54 am

I totally used to think you were the mean girl but I have thick skin and didn’t care much, it was more annoying than hurtful since many were not comments directed towards me. I came to see by reading your blog and seeing your openness in your writing there was a deeper issue in you somewhere and I understood the “snark” that was handed out often. I too have been snarky and later felt guilty. You say what most never can or will and its refreshing to see.
I have never met you but I’m sure if we did these “past nerdy girls’ would really hit it off!

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MSC February 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Excellent post, my dear. You really are coming into your own.

I think a lot of us from TB look back on our posts and what was said in the heat and thrill of the moment and shudder. Sometimes we were funny, but sometimes we’ve been downright mean.

I can’t lie–I miss the Blair witty comebacks but I’m glad to see the Mean Girl has been retired. The humor and honesty always suited you best anyway.

xoxo, MSC

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lkelly February 12, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Mean girls are mean because they want attention. They want to be feared. They want control. They use words to hurt others to keep them down, keep them afraid, and keep them out of the exclusive group they’ve created for themselves. Back in the day, I found you to be a combination of funny, interesting, and a complete and utter b!tch. I really do think it’s great that you’ve come to realize the error of your ways, but let’s be honest for a moment. Your blog — as fun and insightful and interesting as I find it — is just another way to fill a need you have. It gets you attention. Lots and lots and lots of attention. With a few keystrokes, you can get dozens of responses almost instantaneously. I see nearly as much ass kissing in the comments of your various posts as you got back in your BlairWaldorf days on TB. At least now you are using your words to try to help people and to be real rather than to cut others down. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a person who likes the limelight as you clearly do (I can’t imagine you would have spent countless hours over the last several years creating these online personas if you didn’t crave it). Bottom line, I think you’ve found a way to fill a need that you have in a constructive way that makes other people feel good along the way, and I applaud you for that. And stay sassy. It’s what makes you so interesting.

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Toni February 12, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Great post. I was on the 1st tri boards when you were pregnant with Harpie. I was mostly a lurker and would be very entertained by your comments, but afraid to post myself because I didn’t want to be attacked.

I’ve followed your blog since Harpie and I’ve seen the change in you. You’re still very entertaining, of course. I’ve also been the victim of mean girls, so I can relate. I remember lashing out at other girls in school just because I had my own insecurities. Girls can be very cruel.

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