I have this thing about finishing things. Getting to the end of a tube of toothpaste or babywash. Watching Nate finish the last sleeve of crackers & then having the satisfaction of tosses the cracker box into the recycling bin. Folding that last sock in the pile of laundry. The other night, I got practically giddy as I squeezed the last drip of my Philosophy body wash on the puff & tossed the empty bottle into the waiting trash can.
Granted, there are some things that I never feel this affectionately about finishing. A bag of pretzel M&M’s & the bottom of a formula can happen to be the first that pop into my head to fall in this category.
Sometimes I will even go out of my way to finish something – badgering Nate to finish the last two cookies in the pack just so I can toss the box. He usually doesn’t complain too loudly about that, though.
But I’m not like that with weight loss.
It’s not easy to admit. & I don’t know why I’m like that. You’d think that if I get my jollies off finishing things, I would be hurtling towards weight loss goals with wild abandon, seeing those pounds fall off the scale. Right? I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I don’t know what I’m holding back from by holding on to this weight or holding on to my old habits. When I really dig deep, I think it stems from this – the two times I have really lost weight in my life, I have been depressed. In college, I shrank to 155 lbs & a small size 10. But I was utterly miserable until I went on Celexa & subsequently gained 30 lbs. Last spring, I lost weight & started feeling amazing physically, but mentally I was a hot mess. & then gained weight on medication. Logically I know that losing weight doesn’t have to mean that I am sick. But I have to learn to break that pattern by losing weight when I’m healthy. & I’ve never done that before.
Are you afraid of anything with weight loss? With success? With shedding old habits? What do you think causes that fear?
More importantly, what can we do to rise above it?
i know exactly what holds me back, and it’s not just one thing. I have been skinny my entire life until i met my husband who is utterly amazing and after we got married and had a baby i am sitting at 40lbs heavier then i was when we started dating. This is because I was in a seven year long, heinously unhealthy relationship that broke me down and by the time my husband got to me, i felt undeserving and unworthy of someone like him. i’m afraid to go back…to fill like my physical self is more important than my mental self or my emotional self…and i’m afraid of failure…of never getting back to the “old me” even though i’m not even sure i want to…i’m a mother now, and I dont think one ever goes back to their “old self” after that…dont know how they could. But you inspire me, so I”m trying anyway, so we can just be scared together…and skinnty together! Can I get an amen!!
I’m afraid of failing, but my fear of always being unhealthy is finally overpowering my fear of failing. As I get older I know that I must lose this weight if I ever want to be completely healthy and happy again.
I was always a little lazy about that last five (or ten) pounds for some reason, and I somehow convinced myself that my body wasn’t “meant” to be below a certain weight. Now that I am slightly under that weight, I know it’s possible for me to lose more, but have some mental block about it.
As to the “why?” I have absolutely no idea
I get this. All of it. I was anorexic in high school and I think I’m scared of losing weight as I don’t want to fall back into in. Get addicted to it again. I’m trying to find that balance and it is harder than I could have ever thought. So yes, I get this.
Thanks for saying it outloud.
My hangup about losing weight is that I am so lucky with everything else in my life – a happy marriage, healthy child, good job- I feel like if I got down to my ideal weight, it’d somehow tip the scale and something terrible would happen. Silly, I know.
I totally get this. Right now I’m trying so hard to figure out what is holding me back. I keep sabotaging myself. Case in point: eating lots of cheese dip last night because I “had” to celebrate the superbowl. Ugh. Need some serious motiviation to get rid of this baby weight (and more!)
Ok – is there anything better than making dinner and using the last of three or four different things? EEk. Love it. Also, yeah. Who isn’t scared? What if you put all this work into losing weight and the result isn’t as awesome as you thought it would be? Probably why I only lost a pound this week. Oh, self-preservation. . .
My mom is the voice in my head. I have never been able to disappoint her and I have a hard time saying no to her when she offers delicious food. Weekends kill me. I also have a hard time when people notice how much weight I have lost. When they make a huge deal over it my insecurities take over and I feel about as big as an ant. I think I need to work through some things!
I can totally relate. I’m a “happy eater” so when I’m sad is when I loose the most weight. Not good. I too need to find a way to break that association.
Also, love all your v-day crafts. So cute!!
My block and fear I think is this: After my first child was born I was working hard to loose the weight to be healthy for a second child. I had just started loosing it when I got pregnant for the second time. A few months after my second was born I got really sick and lost about 50 lbs and went through multiple surgeries to make it so I could eat again. During that time I was really really hungry and malnurished, it was aweful. Then after the last surgery (which was successful) I got pregnant (using birthcontrol) yet again. It seems like a cycle for me. Loosing weight = getting knocked up. Even though I am now on and IUD I still feel like if I start t loose it again it will some how lead to my eggo getting prego…again. That and my brain remembers how it was to be so hungry and not be able to eat the food you have right there in front of you. Good luck to you. I am starting South Beach with a friend of min in 2 weeks!
I don’t know. I know it’s not fear, because I’m more anxious than anything to fit into a smaller size, to put on a tank top this summer and not be obsessed with “do my arms look fat in the sun?”
For me, it’s commitment, it’s follow through. Unlike you, who has no problem finishing things (which is funny if you look at that from an eating standpoint and someone trying to lose weight. LOL) I have a huge problem finishing things.
Half planted garden-check
Half built rock retaining wall-check
Half painted family room- check
Half finished work-check
Im’ a half asser, and that is what holds me back. Why am I like that? Because I think I have a problem staying focused, or have a problem staying interested in certain things and get distracted easily on to something more exciting.
Which reminds me, I need to start exercising, because that would be a new “thing” to start that I’d fixate on for a while until I could find something to do outside in the Spring/Summer.
Man, I’m messed up.
Beautifully written post. And I’m so impressed with your level of insight into what blocks you.
The only thing blocking me is a love of pizza
My best-friend only loses weight when she is depressed and it is hard to see. She is down to like a size 6 and tiny but I know she must be miserable inside. (((((((())))))))
I’m not afraid of weight loss, it’s just hard and I’m lazy. Losing weight because depression/illness/whatever makes you not hungry is easier.
blair, you are brilliant.
i am the same exact way. the thinnest i’ve been since high school was last year this time… but it was because we’d moved all the way across the country, and i couldn’t find a job, so i was working two lower paying jobs… waiting tables, and retail. i was pretty depressed and was basically living on sprite to stay hydrated. as a result, i became a twig [seriously, i'd never seen my @$$ look like that before]… but i knew it wasn’t healthy weight loss… and as soon as i got a job that i was well-qualified for, i sat on my @$$ all day and ate normal food again, and went back to a chubby version of myself.
i don’t think i’ve ever been thin because i’ve been healthy. that’s got to be the hardest way to be thin… but probably the happiest way to be thin.
My fears are the same as yours. When I’ve lost weight in the past, it’s been because I’ve been depressed. It’s much harder this time around because I’m mentally healthy. I’m scared that losing weight means sacrificing my mental happiness, or vice versa.
I guess it’s one day at a time for a lot of this. Thanks for putting this into words.
I get the same joy out of finishing things. What is with that?
I am afraid of not being healthy enough to have kids. I fear that my weight will keep me from the one thing I want most in life.
I am afraid that when I lose the weight, I will have a bunch of skin hanging, and that would look even worse than being heavy. I feel there is a reason why they don’t show people’s belly’s on shows like the Biggest Loser after they lose all their weight. I need to let this fear go and know that losing the weight is the best thing for my health, no matter what my body looks like afterwards. Thanks for all your great posts!
I am afraid of never losing the weight. And I have this thing that the weight loss = more happiness — because I just keep picturing that thinner, happier me before the gain….so to not lose it scares the hell out of me. And it’s not because thinner= happier…..I just think that me at my best is what makes me happy. This doesn’t. I don’t like not feeling good when I get dressed. I miss loving shopping for clothes. I hate when I have a wedding coming up and that dreaded, ‘what the heck am I going to wear?’….. Thanks for your posts and for having the link-up.
Honestly? I think my mental illness is one of the things that keeps me from gaining weight. It’s two-fold. When I’m upset the LAST thing I want to do is eat food. And when I’m depressed I also focus on other things and actually FORGET to eat.
I also thing the medications have a hold on my weight right now. I’m actually trying to go the other way . . . UP the scale. But it’s not working no matter what I eat.
Good luck to you in finding a happy medium.
Don’t let yourself associate weight loss with a bad time in your life. You’re doing great and you’re healing in front of everyone. Make this weight loss journey about this happy time in your life. Associate it with the good feeling you get after a run and the happiness you feel when you dance or play with Harrison.
I’m afraid of failing and normally that comes in the form of giving up. I want my body back, my energy, I want to feel good about myself again. I’ve found that seeing it makes me believe and while I can’t see the loss on my body yet, my graph makes me smile.
I think I’m afraid of getting to my goal weight and then… what? I’ve been focused on my weight, specifically losing weight for most of my life and I hate the idea that when I finally get to the weight I want to be at and look the way I want to that I’ll still have to work to maintain it. Its almost easier to work on getting down to a certain weight then to deal with that fact that even when I get there I am still going to have to work at it… When do I get to stop?
Such a great question. I actually got down to what I would call my “ideal weight” last spring, but then I made two poor choices:
-I freaked out about what I would focus on now that I’d reached an ideal. It scared me -and excited me- to think about the possibilities of what might fill in the gaps where the previous desire to lose weight used to sit (for YEARS).
-I got cocky and decided that I could eat whatever I want and fell back into old habits of eating for comfort…and I felt hard.
I’m slowly inching back to healthy…and getting healthier in the head in the process.
IDK what, exactly, holds me back. Probably myself. It’s probably got something to do with the fact that I tell myself that if I lose weight, I’ll just find something else to be unhappy about, you know?
I don’t know.
Maybe I’m rambling.
I am same way. I love finishing things and I thought I was really weird! It so great to know I am not alone!
I am with you- it’s time to finish this weight loss thing!
Tomorrow I will be posting about how I keep up with my program when I am frustrated. Be sure to check it out
http://kathy-myohsoboringlife.blogspot.com/
And thanks for the comment! I really appreciate it, it helps when outsiders (from my family) notice a difference
Kathy
Comfort zones and comfortable clothes…damn them…
I am afraid of letting people down. I let myself down constantly…but i don’t like letting others down. if i lose weight, but can’t keep it off, people will be disappointed.
i know. that is weird.
When I lost a lot of weight in the past (as a young girl), there was def. an unhealthy amount of self loathing fueling my progress… and I hate to say it, but there have been times since then that I’m like “if only I could just channel that inner demon for like SIX MONTHS and get skinny again…”
But no dice.
I think that, honestly, I was too happy for a long time to lose weight well. But while I have been happy, I haven’t valued myself (or believed in myself) enough to actually feel like I deserve to lose weight. It’s almost like, everything else is going so well, I can’t have a hot bod too… and I’m happy, and cookies are good…
But I’m not happy being fat, ya know? So is it possible I’ve been too happy to lose weight AND too sad to lose weight too? With a hefty does of “meh” in terms of self-regard?