My heart may take off & cease beating after this announcement.
That’s how honored & excited & floored I am to be contributing to Lauren Lankford’s new project, The Good Women Project.
Good women are a dying breed, and The Good Women Project is doing something about it.
We exist to encourage and equip young women to become good women, and show that good women have the most fun, the best sex, and most fulfilling lives.
You may know Lauren from Love Bomb or her own gorgeous blog that lets words & honesty simply flow. & now Lauren has me talking on her new site about marriage, both in general & in specifics. I certainly do not have the perfect marriage, but of all the things I tend to eff up in my life, I somehow manage to be one half of a good marriage. You may not always agree with what I have to say – which is the beauty of it, because good women come in many different forms & good marriages can be measured in numerous ways. Maybe you’re young, wondering if “prince charming” will ever come galloping along. Maybe you’re married, looking for camaraderie or desperately searching for inspiration to hang on. Or maybe you’re just nosy & want a peek into my marriage (& that’s totally okay). I welcome you to join me there.
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My husband & I do not fight.
That may seem odd, or difficult to believe, or impossible…but true. We have never raised our voices or thrown out words in the heat of the moment that we regret. In our marriage, there is never name-calling or storming off with slammed doors & tears. It is not because we are both meek lambs that avoid conflict; in truth, we are both bulls that lovingly point fingers at who is the most stubborn. No, my partner of seven years & husband of almost five & I do not fight because years ago, I pledged to honor & cherish him.
I strive daily to uphold those vows, & thus in the simplest, most raw form, be a good wife. A good woman.
Love it! Can’t say enough good things about reading this post today. Totally inspired and enlightened me in a way I didn’t expect. I think tonight when I’m picking up around the house and washing the dishes I’ll smile just a little bit more than usual. My husband and I DO fight, not a lot, but it happens and I want to make it go away.
Thinking a lot more about honoring and cherishing him might just make that happen a little faster for us! All thanks to you BA. ALSO I love Lauren and her blog and her project. I signed up everywhere there was to sign up, for all her amazing work! LOVE finding all these inspiring words and ladies all over the place today!
Thanks, Nicole!
I’m so excited about it & have been so touched by the posts other than mine on there already.
Yikes! and I say that with all due respect to your anger management abilities… with that said, I suspect that maybe if you did let the shit hit the fan, maybe if you DID vent your frustrations.. then every few weeks you wouldn’t have a blog post about how your floors aren’t washed, dirty underWEAR are on the lampshades, the sink is full of dishes, the dog needs a bath and you are tired of eating dinner out of a can.
I’m just sayin’ dude. A good woman is an individual. A good woman takes care of herself AND everyone around her. A good woman is honest and open with her feelings, her frustrations and her fears. A good woman doesn’t try to project the image of perfection out of her marriage. Marriage is work. Marriage is hard. Marriage is trying and amazing and frustrating and awesome. But a marriage without fighting is like a kitchen without a sink.
I don’t like this whole ” good woman” thing. It’s like reverse feminism, reminding us all to be good housewives that mind our manners, clean the house, cook the dinners, wash the babies , fuck the husbands and shut our mouths.
A good woman, she stands up for herself and doesnt’ take shit from anyone!
THE END!
Keep reading into the comments section, because I go a little more in-depth at how it was resolved
We did end up discussing it, but the point was that I didn’t lash out – I got him to help me with the dishes & then found a way to calmly say why I felt it was unfair. I just didn’t go into all of that in the post.
& finding a good man, being in a good marriage…they’re different goals to different people. This project is more about opening up to get past sub-par relationships, or dating ruts that go nowhere. About discovering what you want from a partnership/marriage. About what makes a marriage really work past the “I Do’s.” About the commitment of marriage & maintaining yourself as a woman despite the wedding ring on your finger. About growing yourself as a woman in a marriage.
Definitely NOT backwards feminism.
LOL! I should read the comments sometime. I never do that and probably wouldn’t have comments if I read a little further, eh? DOH!
Speaking of marriage, I suggest you add ” the kids are alright” to your netflix queue or redbox or next blockbuster trip or on demand rental, however you get movies. It was great.
ha!! I figured a bunch of people would think the same – I just wasn’t sure where to end the post without it being all rambling & weird.
::adds to redbox list::
Inspiring Blair! Thanks for sharing.
My husband and I rarely argue…..he worries about this…
As a child he NEVER saw his parents argue or raise their voices…they always did it in private away from the kids….
Which caused my husband never to know how to “fight” which ultimately ended alot of relationships because he became passive aggressive and when he would finally blow up in a relationship from holding it all in, the relationship would be over….
Luckily after maturing and over the years he has learned how to have a normal and “loving” argument now and again….
I really don’t know where I’m going with this but just wanted to share little bits with you!
My husband and I don’t really fight either BA.
Congrats girl on this great honor!
Awesome! I love this!
I think it’s too easy to keep score like a mathematically inept umpire. I’m always catching myself in the role of Victim and I have to check myself before I wreck myself (and the man I love with big puffy hearts). He’s always going out of his way to take care of me and our family. He cooks. He cleans. He watches the babies. And he doesn’t complain. Frankly, he’s a better person than I am. That’s why I married him.
And just because you don’t fight, doesn’t mean you don’t have conflict. Conflict is a source of growth. I give this post 2 thumbs up!
I commented over there, but I thought I’d comment here too.
I love the drama-free approach. You get your thoughts out, without causing unnecessary pain! Our marriage is the same way!
I am a fighter. I let the hurtful words fly. I shout, scream, yell, stomp my feet and slam doors. Nothing gets accomplished that way. Next time, I’m going to try your way and see what happens. Thanks for being all inspiring.
I already commented on the Good Wife post but I just had to reply again.
After I read that you never fought, I had to take a poll on facebook and the office. You my internet friend are not the typical norm. Feel special.
EVERYONE I have spoke too (even my pastor’s wife) have admitted they have had an argument at one time or another in their relationship. You should write a relationship book, I will buy the first copy. 
Wow. I don’t really have a problem with your post (I don’t argue with my boyfriend because we’re adults who respect one another) but I’m pretty blown away that a website called the Good Women Project is about marrying a good man. Really? It’s especially insulting if you’re familiar with the Good Man Project, which is a magazine mostly about being a good man, not about marrying the right woman. I was seriously thinking, “This has to be a joke” when I clicked the “What is The Good Woman Project?” link. I mean, I guess I’m not the target demographic for this, but I can’t get over the name. I mean I guess the only way to be a Good Woman is to be a heterosexual married woman? That’s a disturbing message.
And yes, I’m probably taking it personally since I’m not married (with a baby-such a hussy) but I just find the whole thing to be very reactionary. If they called it the “Marry a Good Man” project, I wouldn’t care, but is there anything less feminist than equating the goodness of a woman with her ability to marry a good man?
Megan, that’s kind of where i was coming from too…
BA, I freaking love your post. My husband and I never fight either (though, I have to say, I was feeling all smug about that fact recently… it’s a long story… and I’ve found us to be sniggering at each other for a few days which NEVER HAPPENS. Payback to me for being smug!!).
Here’s where I’m confused with any dissenters: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the idea that you would want to be the best “type” of woman that you are – when you are single, be a single woman who respects herself and others, establishes her values and has lots and lots of fun with friends (or alone!). When you are dating, you want to be in a really good, positive, respectful, uplifting relationship – that’s all about treating yourself right, isn’t it?? I mean, am I the only one who had an @-hole boyfriend that treated me like dirt when I was younger? Definitely not something to strive for…
And when your dating relationship leads to engagement and marriage, don’t you want to be the best “woman and wife” and eventually “woman, wife, and mother” that you can be?? These things are not mutually exclusive… in fact, they are completely intertwined!
There’s nothing weak about biting your tongue, pulling back words that you don’t really mean to say, keeping yourself from hurting the people you love… that is being a woman of strength and character!!
Now, if you were a doormat, that would be a problem, but we all know from reading your other posts that you’re not… I’m sure if it really bothered you (later, not in the heat of the moment) you probably sat down with D and expressed, in a positive matter, how that made you feel. Which, coincidentally, has always gotten me a much better response than losing my $hit.
Bravo, BA! Thanks for the encouragement to all of us who are trying to fight the good fight
*I’m going to post this on the other site as well*
Amen, amen, amen.
That’s EXACTLY why I am excited about this project. It’s not about making yourself a wife or a “little woman.” It’s about being the best woman you can be. Single, engaged, married, whatever. You can look directly at the surface of the project on how to be a “good wife,” or you can look deeper into it & realize that all women from every walk of life have something to share about making ourselves better.
Blair,
This was very inspiring to read – thank you for sharing. Congrats on being a contributor to her project! Because of you I plan on reading what other women have shared.
Raechel
http://ourislandoutlook.blogspot.com
Hi Blair,
I have been reading you blog for a LONG time, I guess we were on the GP board together, but I have never commented. Serious long term lurker! Back then, it was a guilty pleasure. You represented the epitome of the internet mean girl. I studied female social aggression in school, and I was fascinated by the social dynamics and the cruelty of women to other women on the boards. I just wanted to say that you have come so far, and I am now proud to read your blog. I just went through a m/c and the first thing I did was go back and re- read your posts of your experience. I really hope you are able to write for a living one day, you definitely have a gift.
S
BA,
Thank you so much for this. I am a long time lurker and finally a replier. Although DH and I don’t “fight” much anymore either, we did early in our marriage due to horrible outside circumstances. I am proud to say we have moved past it and are better for it. However, Before very recently I have failed to see my home as my ministry. I am admittedly not the best house-keeper. Your reasons for grinning-and bearing it are inspiring to me. I fully intend to remember your words tomorrow night after work when I begin to scale Mt. St. Laundry.
I also wanted to take the opportunity to share a book that has touched me deeply. As a christmas gift, my mom bought me “Bringing Up Girls” by Dr. James Dobson. Although this particular book may not yet be applicable, the brother book, “Bringing Up Boys” is. Dr. Dobson has brought so many things to light that will help me in raising my precious little girl. Take it for what you will, but I know I love this book.
Thank you so much for your honesty and purity of heart. I look forward to reading more!
Yes! We own Bringing Up Boys
It’s definitely one of those take-what-you-will from it – some stuff I roll my eyes at, some I down-right refuse to believe, but the heart of the book is so good.
My husband and I definitely fight. We have definitely yelled and made each other furious. But a lot of times, we let our fights get funny.
The other day, in the middle of a big fight, I told him I “want to be just friends.” After a gigantic fight, he left me a “Do you like me, check yes or no” note. One time I gave him The Black Spot (from Treasure Island).
Sometimes I get mad at him just for existing, and I tell him so.
I guess my point is that we definitely fight and argue and often get really mad at each other and raise our voices. But we always manage to end up making each other laugh. It works for us.
I laughed so hard at you saying that you “want to be just friends.”
Like, laughed so hard that I’m not sure how the water I just drank stayed in my mouth. That is a stitch!!
I can’t tell you how inspiring this post was for me. My husband and I seem to go in cycles of really good times and then periods of arguing. As you well know, the first year of parenthood is quite an adjustment.
But, really, as I read through your post, I thought of all of the times I have turned and said something harsh when I could have kept my mouth shut. SHOULD have kept my mouth shut. We vowed to be in this marriage for life and I want to be a good wife, a good woman. I want to have a happier life ahead and making better choices about what comes out of my mouth is a very good place to start.
Thank you for your words and for pointing me toward this project.