Here’s the thing: Not all of us are Secretariat right out of the Gate of Motherhood. Some of us are donkeys.
I should have known that I would be slow on the up-take when I asked the nurse to teach me how to push Harrison out. (You know, while I was supposed to be doing it.) The first most instinctive, primal part of motherhood & I couldn’t even wrap my head around that.
I still can’t decide whether I should have raised a red flag of DANGER ZONE! or a white flag of I GIVE THE EFF UP! about the first year of motherhood, but I think the important thing to say is that motherhood was not organic to me & I’ve finally decided that I’m not ashamed by it. Maybe I was too selfish or non-maternal or disillusioned by childhood dreams of motherhood. Maybe the guilty party is the postpartum depression. Maybe I’m just not a “baby” person. I’m pretty sure it’s d) all of the above.
But I had a hard time with swaddling. Comforting. Entertaining. Feeding. Pretty much everything in the book made me feel like a failure & I would pore over blogs & magazine articles for tips. I saw women that were seamlessly in love & in tune with motherhood. I compared them to my own dark cloud that seemed to settle over my life & wonder if I would ever get there. If I would ever “know” what my child’s cries meant when he felt like such a stranger to me. If I would ever act instinctively rather than talking myself through the motions.
A few weekends ago, I met up with BFF Carrie with Harrison in tow for brunch. While we sat, Harrison squirmed in the stroller & let out a “tssssss” sound. I quickly sifted through my bag & produced a sippy of apple juice, popping the lid. He grabbed for it & settled back into his seat. “How did you do that?” Carrie asked. Confused, I asked what she meant. “How did you know he wanted juice?” she clarified.
It hit me – I just knew. I don’t know how. Obviously, Harrison isn’t talking yet. But I just knew that the squirm & the “tsss” sound meant juice. Organic, natural, instinctive motherhood. The way that I know when he needs a nap, or a snack, or his stuffed monkey. The way I know when discipline means a loving redirection or a stern warning, depending on the day. I am aware that he’ll change it all on me soon. But for now, I’m digging being on top of my Momma Game.
o
It just took me a little longer to get there.
I feel you on this, BA. So. I failed “Screaming Infant 101″ in Motherhood school. With the biggest, fattest, reddest F you’ve ever seen in your life. Toddlerhood? I’m rocking the A++.
And so are you!
Woot!
But you did get there, and you worked hard to do it! Im totally impressed by the hard work you put in to be a good mom…to me that shows a lot more ‘mothering’ than a natural ability to swaddle does.
Me too.
That’s all I have, just a big, fat, ol’ “me too”.
*fistpump* it’s moments like these that make me feel like i RAWK at this mommyhood thing. and i need these moments because i was the same way and still have moments where i’m looking at him and he’s looking at me and i’m like, “listen kid, i have NO idea what you want so i’m just going to hold you and assume you want kisses”.
oh and ps. i SUCK at swaddling. omHECK. i had to have my husband do it because i just can. NOT. get. it.
I tell myself everyone is a donkey – then I don’t feel as bad. LOL
…a blindfolded donkey is more like how I’d describe myself!
And seriously – I’m with you on the swaddling thing. I’ve never swaddled my babies so that they couldn’t wiggle their arms free like a minute later, and neither could my hubby. The Woombie is what saved our sorry-swaddling-heinies!
This is exactly what I needed to read right now. I was just worrying about the fact that I have ZERO interest in babies, but I love toddlers. I was starting to freak out that not wanting babies = not wanting kids, and I was confused because I DO want kids! Does that make sense? Anyway, I’m only 24. No rush : )
By the way, I don’t think I’ve ever commented here before. Hi. I’m April. I love your blog; you are so hilarious and insightful and honest!
Good for you! Give yourself more credit, too. None of us instincively “know” what they want. Maybe we just run through the bag of tricks faster with each cry, so it looks like we do. I certainly didn’t just ‘know’ yet a friend asked me the same thing — how did I ‘just know?’ I think some is perception. And our perception is colored by that ‘cloud’ as you aptly describe it. You’re rockin’ the mom gig now!
I think we all go through the same thing. The difference is that not everybody has the courage to admit it, and that is why i <3 you.
I love this post, it is such an inspiration for new moms. You worked so hard to get to where you are right now, you are doing an amazing job!
I don’t think I was a donkey, but my husband sure was! You are describing him exactly. He is such a wonderful and instinctive father now that Hunter is a toddler.
Have an amazing time in Nashville!
girl, you are SO hard on yourself. every first time mom has no idea what they are doing. you are an awesome mom, you care so much about your family. really, give yourself a break! I think you are doing fantastic!
We all go through this. I just realized maybe a week ago that I was the only person on earth who realized that X.’s yell-grunt was a cry for yogurt. I feel like I have super powers now.
Have fun this weekend!
The most important thing is that you got there.
So sweet! That just gave me the warm fuzzies, I don’t know why.
I thought this was going to be a post about how you are a closeted Democrat. Very disappointing
I rocked the newborn stage and first year… but I’m pretty much sucking big time at Toddler 101! I feel like a total failure as a mom at least several times a day.
I think we all suck in some ways. Even the women you see in the grocery store with their perfectly dressed toddler who sits in the cart without screaming & without food or a toy used as a bribe to get him to shut up. Yep, she sucks too. She’s just better at hiding it than the rest of us.
Way to go for knowing your little man so well! That’s the best part of mommyhood.
<3
I wonder what that makes me… I wasn’t a rockstar out of the gate by any means but this toddler thing has me throwing the white flag, the red flag, and any other thing I can get between me and the little monster (I mean angel).
But I am genuinely happy that you have found your groove.
this is a great post and it takes a brave person to actually admit that they sucked at the first (which is the hardest) year of raising a child.
No one knows what they’re doing, but it’s like a huge poker game and the stakes are too high to call anyone elses bluff.
The moms in the store with the beautiful, pink, perfectly swaddled babe in the stroller, looking freshly manicured, hair cleared washed, makeup obviously applied that day rather than using a makeup sponge to wipe concealer over the black stains of 3 day old eyeliner caked to your face…
She’s a donkey too, only she’s a donkey in horses clothing where we just wore our donkey suits and shrugged it off.
Good for you for admitting that you got an F at mom 101, but are flying with soaring colors at Mom 102 Honors.
It’s not easy, and the more we confess this outloud, the more other moms, new and old, with and without PPD will be able to let go of the mom guilt and the mom pressure and just do their best to get by.
Yes… Yes. Yes. Yes. Lots of my friends are just on their second little one and I am reminded of my lack of infant-talent with each little visit. I hold, cuddle, coo, and still feel so out of my league, as if everyone speaks this secret baby language I never bothered to learn.
I’m wondering (and being nosy) how your feelings about the first year affect your desire to have another kid. Despite my newborn aversion, I think I still want another…in a couple of years. I don’t know if I want that first 6 months ever again. Seriously. But my uterus aches everytime I snuggle with a friend’s new baby. It’s hard to reconcile the two. We’ve started thinking…maybe adopting a toddler when the little miss is 4 or so? I can’t be the only person who struggles with this.
I get nervous. Absolutely. I keep telling myself & hoping that with the second one, I’ll be more relaxed. Maybe? Hopefully?
I would also like someone to invent a Baby Language Rosetta Stone before I pop out another one.
Susan, my first was an 11 pound hellion, born at 42 weeks via C-section, against all my “plans”
He proceeded to have colic for 8 months ( or now I believe they like to tell parents it’s reflux so they don’t feel helpless) and then had night terrors, ear infections for months on end (resulting in tubes) and didn’t sleep through the night until he was 16 months old.
He’s going to be 3 on Sunday.
And his brother turned 1 in November.
You fear it, but you know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you know what to expect (to a degree) the 2nd time around and know it can’t possibly be worse than your first attempt.
I say just do it. I did. 22 months apart and the best thing I ever did. They are best friends and I’m in my glory (sometimes)
YAY Beth Ann, I always hoped it would come easy to me aswell and it has taken a lot of work. Yay for finally getting our babies when all they do is groan and point. You are the best mother Harrison could have- remind youself of that everyday
I am sooooo with you on this! I remember thinking that I would NEVER get it right. And then one day…I looked around and realized that I was getting it.
I’m with Tiffany at Momnom – we’re all donkeys and just when we’re starting to feel like a thoroughbred our children throw something new out.
You have to celebrate the little things like knowing when a squirm and a sound mean juice.
Maija
I think all parents experience a learning curve when they have a new baby. And sometimes that learning curve is more of a learning bump. And it happens with each child. We have 3 and the first year (truthfully year + sometimes) of each of their lives has been tough! I kept hoping it would get easier with each subsequent one, but, for me, it really didn’t. Talk about being slow on the up-take!
I think there’s definitely a reason why people don’t remember their first few years of life…it’s a protective measure against trying-so-hard-but-still-woefully-inept parents! But I’m glad you feel like you’re rocking the motherhood thing now…I’m still trying to get there.
I think we all have this feeling at some level. At first, especially when Owen was colicky, I was clueless, and felt like I was failing because I never knew what would work. I was never able to get him to breast feed correctly, that one “motherly bonding” experience that we were supposed to have. And now, if he throws a tantrum for no reason and can’t tell me what he wants, I feel useless.
But then there are days that I rock my mom cape, make him happy every minute, and get kisses galore. That’s when I know I’m doing something right. And obviously you have that happy child, so you’re rocking it as well!
Don’t worry, we were probably all clueless at the beginning, just some hide it better than others!
Thank you so much for posting this. I’m constantly filled with anxiety about kids–whether or not to have them– and the guilt that flows from that. It’s so, so nice to hear that I’m not alone!
Hey BA! When I read the title to your post, I thought you were going to make some sort of political commentary since last night was the State of the Union… and then I tried to remember who was the donkey and who was the elephant… and then I was like “She’s a DEMOCRAT?!?!?!” And then I read your post, and it had nothing to do with any of that. Whew!
I guess I’m still a little cloudy since husband and I played a State of the Union drinking game last night… (you and D should totally play next time!)
But anyhoo, I’m right there with you about being a donkey-mother! And now that I’m doing so much better? It’s seriously the best feeling in the world to have confidence in my ability to care for my son.
XOXO!
BA…we all grow into our mommy pants one leg at a time. If any one tells you that motherhood came naturally for them and that they “just instinctively knew what to do” they are full of shit. We learn by experience, we learn by our Children’s cues etc.
We are all good parents deep down, we just have to all find out footing
Congrats on finding your motherhood groove…we all figure it out in our own time.
amber
How the heck is one person supposed to know everything there is about motherhood right out of the gate? It’s impossible. And, look at you now! Look how much you’ve grown and changed over the past year! Look how you just know.
You’ve come a long way, Blair. I’m proud of you!
I am a total donkey – as proven the other night when B was up crying and it took me a half hour to figure out he needed a clean diaper. D’oh! What can I say, I haven’t had to change one in the middle of the night for a few months.
Love this post. Thanks for saying it.
I love this.
Dude, I was not only the donkey but I repeatedly fell off of the donkey in those first six months. And then the donkey kicked me in the teeth a few times.
So thanks for giving us a collective pass on this.