I did that bad wife thing last night. You know, the one where we’re in bed & I’m holding a novel & Nate sidles up to me under the covers & says “Hey” & I totally know what he wants but I just sort of scoff & emotionally vomit all over him.
I mean, really. I’m such a prize.
Normally, I’m a pretty sure thing in the sack. But lately, I just haven’t been able to turn off my brain & when I told Nate that, he was like, “What are you talking about?!”
BIG MISTAKE, BUSTER.
“I get up in the morning & I’m already running late. & I don’t know why I need so much sleep but I do & so I get up later & I barely do my hair anymore. I haven’t worn makeup in weeks. I keep telling myself that I’ll do it in the office so I can spend 5 minutes playing trucks with Harrison in the morning, but I never manage to actually do it so I just walk around with dark circles & splotchy skin all day. & I sit behind a desk, ugly & frumpy, freezing my tail off because the office is cold, dealing with people emotionally exploding on me all day. So by the time I get home to you & Harrison, I want to just drool out the side of my mouth but I can’t because the house is a freakin’ wreck & there are Christmas presents everywhere. I know I should clean up, but I also have to come up with something for dinner. & nights like tonight when we don’t get in until 6:30 & we spend 30 minutes disciplining Harry from turning on the television & then I’m soaked with bathwater so I put on crummy sweatpants & feel even frumpier, if that was even possible. I should cook, but I haven’t had time to grocery shop so I just throw some sandwiches on a plate. & then I feel more guilty because what kind of wife throws her husband a sandwich? But it’s not like it’s 1950, yet I still feel this weird pull to provide domestically for you. So I throw in some laundry, scrub down the kitchen, & clean up toys. I eventually plop down into my desk chair to work, but it’s blog work so it’s not really work at all because I love it. But it still includes a to-do list to keep me organized & I’m sitting under Howard the Light Lamp, which reminds me that I’m different from most people because who the hell needs a lamp to function? Harry wakes up crying & screaming so I go in to find his leg stuck in a crib slat & I rock him for 20 minutes. I’m totally wearing my SuperMom cape & feeling awesome about it & get him back in bed. I finally get showered & in bed & I’m looking around our bedroom which is a HOT MESS of clothes & dust & toys. No wonder I can’t find my bow earrings or Momma necklace, although I really need to get on that because HOLY HELL, those are expensive pieces of jewelry that I haven’t seen in months. I hope the cleaning ladies didn’t steal those, too. & I start trying to plan an outfit for tomorrow, then think of an outfit for Harrison, & then I wonder if Harrison’s blanket is keeping him warm enough or if he’s too warm. I finally take a deep breath & pick up a simple-minded trashy romance novel & get 2 seconds into disappearing from my own brain when you crawl into bed & wiggle your eyebrows. & I’m so torn because you’re my husband & you’re hot & I would totally do you except how am I supposed to just flip the light switch from being a workaholic, neurotic mom into the sex kitten you knew four years ago? When I just feel fat & frumpy with wet hair & no makeup & I just found a onesie by the pillow? But then I feel guilty because in all honesty, I just want to read my freakin’ book for 15 minutes so I can close my eyes & get some damn rest so that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow I will wake up a little bit earlier with a little bit more control.”
By now I’m near tears & Nate’s all, “Your brain does all of that?”
I’m like, “Yeah. What the hell do you think about?”
There’s this long pause & we’re lying with our faces on the pillows, almost touching, & Nate says quietly, “You know, your eye kind of looks like a dinosaur’s right now.”
& of course I am indignant & like, “THAT IS THE WORST THING ANYONE HAS EVER SAID TO ME.”
o
& folks, there’s no point in nitpicking what I need to do in therapy, because OBVIOUSLY.
I am dying laughing.
Just full on dying.
This is so my life. I know just what you mean. Rationally, I know that I don’t HAVE to do all that stuff. But I want to be a 1950s house wife. I really want to have dinner simmering on the stove and to put on a cute little nightie after J goes to bed. I want to feel full and complete and not like one third woman and two thirds jungle gym/crazy eyed freakazoid who, like you, hasn’t put on make up and who now has short hair so the ponytail that got me through the last six months is out.
Oh.
Sorry.
Did I just vomit on your blog?
LOL. Not at you. With you.
You are so not alone!
yeah… i could have written that… lol. but i didn’t, and you did… which is why i/we love you ba.
Oh my gentle Jesus! I just read this and it rang so true that I am compelled to email it to my husband right now and say here this is what my life is!!! Although I fear he will just come back with the whole dinosaur eye comment too. Sigh.
Get out of my house! DH and I had a very similar conversation last night. Ours, however, did not end w/ the dino comment (WTF what that about?!?). It’s SO hard to switch off the “mommy brain”. I find romance when Matt cooks dinner or unloads the dishwasher on his own (it’s the little things…). Dont even get me started about him vacuuming…oh baby! =)
you words were music to me. it is like you went into my head and just sucked everything out and wrote it down. thank you for that.
I have been reading “you” for awhile – just wanted to tell you that I am really inspired by how open you are with your struggles. Thank you for sharing.. please know it is helping at least one new mom out here!
I totally killing myself laughing right now, but it is sympathy laughter. That is totally my brain too.
Ha. love it. Obviously, many of us can relate (even those of us without children). I can totally hear these thoughts running through my own head, and then I hear what my therapist would say if I told her, and I hear how I would respond, and how she would respond…so either I don’t need any more therapy, since my brain is already doing it to myself, or I need a lot of therapy since I’ve started having lengthy conversations with an imaginary therapist in my head. *Sigh.*
And the dinosaur comment is sort of priceless.
OMG. this, this, this.
so either I don’t need any more therapy, since my brain is already doing it to myself, or I need a lot of therapy since I’ve started having lengthy conversations with an imaginary therapist in my head.
I feel the EXACT same way sister!
OMG!!! You just said everything that is running through my head all the time!!!!
Thank you. I hope that your night ended up good, even if it was just reading or making out or maybe Nate (and you) ended up getting a little lucky.
I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do now that I don’t feel so alone in my crazy-run-on-sentence mind, but it is nice not to feel alone.
Here’s to balancing it all! Happy New Year!
I wish I could say something positive and encouraging. But, really? All I got is — if you find a way to stop this – PLEASE for the love of all things holy – TELL ME!
My brain does this all day.
ALL FUCKING DAY.
I need a vacation. From life.
bwahahahha. i am laughing hysterically. I already do this and my child isn’t here yet so I’m going to be a complete spaz in about three months huh?
LOVE IT.
Dude. Thank you. Now I can just send this link over to my husband and pre-empt this exact course of events from happening in my house tonight. Because I’ve got a hot date with the latest issue of Us Weekly after my head implodes from the day’s events.
Where’s the mothertrucking “like” button??
EXACTLY!! And husbands totally don’t get that that’s how our minds work.
And, obvs, I hope you know I mean “like” as in “I totally effing get it and this is my life” and not in the asshole-y kind of way where people “like” that other people are struggling.
You got that, right?
I think you just stole all the thoughts in my head but times it by 3 kids plus 1 teenager and 1 seriously crazy mother.
Thanks for reminding me 1) I’m not alone and 2) I really do need therapy.
I hear you. By the time I get home at night my brain is absolute toast. I become the queen of indecisiveness and am a waste of space. If I happen to get some sort of food out on the table – I doubt it can be classified as “dinner”. I usually end up collapsing in bed and my husband thinks I should be ready to go.
I really just want to go to sleep so my brain will turn off.
I think I’m sending this to my husband, but then he probably still won’t get it. Really, I could have wrote this – if I could write. I’m like this, then I wake up in the middle of the night and the thoughts just keep running. It’s exhausting.
OMG. I’m fairly certain my husband & I just had this conversation also. And we don’t have kids. Does that mean I super-fail?
Thanks for making me literally LOL.
Wow. This is my life. Every. Single. Day. You rock.
And here I just thought I needed more Estrogen in my system.
Maybe we need to start a McHumpy Monday!!
I so hear you. My husband (bless him) finds me incredibly sexy while I am pregnant (and all the time otherwise too), but I have less than 0 sex drive when I’m pg, especially this second time around. So last night he gets all sweet and asks me “Whatcha thinking about?” trying to get in my pants. I’d been thinking about childbirth, so I told him. Way to kill the mood, Tena… Not that I’m complaining, because it hurts to have sex for whatever reason this pregnancy, but still. I felt a little bad.
Though your dinosaur eyes comment totally killed me.
The dinosaur thing? Totally my husband. Because THAT’S what their brain IS thinking all day. It’s just ‘do this one thing.’ When that one thing is done, the next thought is, ‘do this one thing.’ So when you explained all our crazy brain thoughts? He saw dino eyes. Makes *total* sense. Really.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
And then there’s the other side of the coin. I’ve had the last 2 days off to get shiz done and spend time with my baby. I shipped the baby off to gma’s house so I could clean yesterday. I felt like a horrible mother because I wasted a day home on cleaning and NOT spending time with him. Then I decided to make up for it by taking him to do something fun today. Then he decided to throw his lunch tray on the floor flinging raviolis everywhere so I had to make him another meal. Then he screamed the entire time because OH MAH GAH! WHY WOULD YOU FEED ME THIS WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY POISON MOTHER. So then I said “screw it” to the fun day, put him down for a much needed nap, then got back to cleaning. Then I remembered that I haven’t cooked dinner in ages and realized we are missing just ONE ingredient for several possible dinner scenarios, which require me to go out and spend money that we don’t have for food that we really don’t need.
I need a vacation from my vacation. And a vacation from my brain.
My bad on the vomit there.
/dead/
Best blog post ever.
I think you hit a very relatable nerve with your audience!
I don’t work, but I feel you there. Sex is the biggest problem in our marriage simply because I can’t turn my mind off and if I do manage to turn my mind off, I am asleep. It sucks and my husband doens’t understand, but he wouldn’t say somethin cute about “dino eyes,” he would just keep trying to get in my pants.
Know you are not alone. Its nice to know I am not alone either.
Haha! I was reading and nodding in agreement. Nate’s comment made me LOL!
I think this post just means you are a normal woman.
I totally have my own therapy sessions in my head! These are the same thoughts that run through my head ALL. THE. TIME. And they continue when E wakes up three times a night. It sucks! I wish I could turn it off, but I can’t seem too. It makes for sleepless nights.
This is why I need therapy. Oh yeah, and for when my husband says he is tired even though I was up all night with E and still worked a full day at the office….
You are not alone!
Oh Hell…this is hilarious!! Totally relate. I wish I could have just half of my hub’s sex drive. I don’t have time for it though. Who has time for sex with kids in the house?
And the dinosaur eye…gotta love men!
I can relate to this. Or at least, Jaci from a month ago can relate to this. I’ll tell you my story instead of handing you assvice–because assvice is all kinds of annoying. And stinky.
*I stopped blogging.*
If someone had told me how much the internet was stealing time and replacing it with stress, I would have snorted in their face. BUT…I’m not checking e-mail several times a day. I’m not reading comments and reacting to them (good or bad or “why didn’t I get that many?”). I’m not checking stats…or messing around on Twitter…or reading blogs out of comment-obligation…in fact, some days I don’t even turn the computer on. (I know–wtf, Jaci?)
It’s taken a weight off me and I even view my days differently. I *was* looking at life through negative lenses using it as blog fodder. But now that I’m not writing a report about how I’m handling (surviving?) motherhood the dark moments aren’t weighing as heavily. I’m not hashing and rehashing them with the internet. I’m slowly lifting my head up from all that navel gazing.
And with all that extra time: My home is clean. I am dressed and happy. I have fun experimenting with dinner. I drug out my sewing machine and made a few things. And even better…I started writing my book.
I’m not exhausted at night. I mean, I have two kids and bottles to constantly wash, so I’m tired! But I’m not anxious and frustrated and drained.
Blog breaks are a good thing.
Get out of my head!! Also, I don’t even have a kid. I can’t imagine what my brain will do when that comes along. Eek!
I know joke just laughed out loud at my desk by what your Hubby said back to you. I so didn’t see that one coming.
This is ME…. EVERY NIGHT. Except throw in a few “oh my God, I forgot to get gas AGAIN, and there’s no way I’m making it to work on fumes tomorrow.”
Amen, sister.
It’s like you went into my brain and stole my thoughts. At least I can wear scrubs and not think of an outfit for work. The dinosaur comment cracks me up. . .especially since that’s your phobia!
LOL. Well, I am laughing, except, I should be folding the laundry, or pulling my child out of the dishwasher for the bazillionth time today. Thank God I’m not alone!
Best.Post.Ever!! My thoughts exactly. Nate’s comment had me spitting pop!!
Have a wonderful New Year!
Heard it. I live this sans the light, which I probably do need anyway. I don’t know what has gotten into my husband lately but he can’t keep his paws off of me. And I am really not interested because my mind just won’t shut down at night.
It’s so nice to hear that I’m not alone. My husband will look at me sometimes and claim that he can hear my brain going a mile a minute.
If you do find the secret of shutting if off, please share.
hysterical! ….and SO true!
My husband and I have had this conversation a time or two… except I am standing in the kitchen with a glass of wine… and making lots of hand motions without spilling it (talent). And then I laugh at myself because it is SO much better than crying.
I see people saying “haha” and “LOL”, but OMG, I’m crying because THIS. I know this. I KNOW.
Work and home and dishes and laundry and toilets and spitup and when I get home from work, I want to cuddle my baby, not wash bottles and pump parts and I want to play with her on the floor, not vacuum. And I want to lay in bed so that I can FINALLY stop moving. Ugh.
And I haven’t blogged in over a month. Might be time to call it quits.
*sigh*
Seriously if you ever find that brain off switch let me know. Wouldn’t it be nice??
Thank you again for making me feel like I am not alone out here!
This is *so* me.
And my hubby would totally have made the dino-eye comment, or something equally as goofy. Except, he would have had the decency to pretend to try not to laugh when he said it.
But, yeah, I just want five minutes to read my freakin’ book.
That’s what my brain is like all the time and I don’t have a job or a kid! I can only imagine how much worse it’s gonna get. At least we know we’re not alone.
I think you just summarized every mom on the planet in this post. Is this me? OH.MY.WORD.YES. *sigh*
I just have to say – after several years of wondering at this I am convinced that men’s brains are incapable of thinking that way. They just don’t do it. My husband focuses on one thing -what is right in front of him. Good, bad, whatever, it’s one of those things that I both love about him and that drives me totally crazy.
OMG i def couldnt have written a better post for the way I AM feeling! I totally had a major breakdown last week. BAH!
Wow…like other posters, I feel I could have written this blog post. You go, girl, for getting that all out in the open. I wish my husband would listen to me like that – he would hear about the first 10 words and then it’d be a “why does everything have to revolve around you, what about all the things I do?” kind of thing. Which chaps my ass…and is a whole other ballgame. LOL. Hang in there, BA, you’re not alone.
If I could stop laughing I would say something more than:
Absofuckinglutely I can relate.
HAHAHAHAHA! Yes. All of it, yes.
It gets better. It always gets better.
And, go easy on yourself. Everyone in America is feeling overwhelmed with how trashed their post-Christmas house is right now.
um…can you get out of my head please. it’s freaking me out.
i don’t know why, but we feel the need to do it all and i’m TOTALLY the one who is constantly putting my husband’s needs on the backburner. and i feel like a horrid person every time i do it.
i’m sorry girl. *hugs*
it gets better!!
yes. is all I can say. YES. Oh, and I need a freaking haircut. and a beer. CHEERS!
It’s hard to get out of work-mom mode and into sexy wife mode… I can relate.
But I have to ask, how is your house always getting trashed? Do you guys just fling your laundry around the room?
LOVE IT. Plain and simple – you hit the nail on the head. Like many other posters, I just want to forward this to my husband….but then thought, nah, he won’t get it. I’m thankful to have someone to read who DOES get it! Happy New Year!
OMG. I’m dying laughing. The dinosaur eye comment did it. My husband is looking at me like I’m insane right now.
Hugs. I get it. It’s hard. There are not enough hours in a day. There is always a damn toy to be picked up and it’s hard to turn off my brain as well.
That is why a glass of white wine every. single. night. is a must for me!
i (like i think a majority of moms) have felt the same way. i have tried to make time for just me. it’s hard, but if you actually schedule/plan relaxing into your day it works for me. having a glass of wine and a hot bath usually helps. this usually leads to a happier me and then we don’t need to “schedule” sex or special time together. good luck with solving a perpetual problem!
::dead:: I literally laughed out loud.
I could totally have written 90% of this post. Except? I’m a single momma so I don’t have to service the husband or be happy wife. But I get off work in the morning and nap, then hit the ground running until I have to leave the house at 5:30pm to do the same thing all over again. And my mind runs through a thousand things I need to be doing and things I need to get accomplished, making my 4 hour morning nap nearly impossible.
I also read for distraction. But, sometimes, it would be nice to just roll over and give my man some loving instead.
I’ve been following for a while, but never commented.
Is it possible that you were just reading my brain because everything you wrote was EXACTLY how I feel. I don’t think our husbands get it. It is so hard to turn my brain off and try to feel sexy when you just cleaned the kitchen, got puked on, did laundry, and took the first shower of the day. I can’t just turn the light switch on like that. I think I’m going to have to let him read your blog.
Thanks!!!
Long-time reader, first-time commenter.
Just read this to my husband in a dramatic “reader’s theater” fashion. And I told him that is what my brain does all day and I think it scared him a lot. Thank you, kind lady, for helping our relationship making microscopic progress towards understanding!
Dying laughing because aren’t guys just so simple? While our brains are going a mile a minute and explaining to them exactly why we don’t want to have sex tonight, they are just stuck in the moment
And once again it’s confirmed. Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars.
I just stood in the kitchen, reading this post on my phone while taking a break from cleaning up the mess from dinner, laughing and nodding the whole time! I’m a SAHM, rather than a working mom, but I can SO relate. And your husbands response…did you kinda wanna slap him?
Just like everyone else, I could have written this! And DH would totally make that dinosaur eye comment, LOL.
Except that I have a 13-month-old and we just found out we’re expecting baby #2. AAAAAAGHHHH! Brain overload.
“Your eye looks like a dinosaur’s” is pretty much going to make me laugh all weekend.
*sigh* I have this problem and my baby isn’t even BORN yet!!!! :S
xox,
bonita of Depict This!
P.S. ~ Love your blog, sorry I haven’t commented before. I am one of those horrible long time lurkers, first time commenters that pop up now and then.
I love this! And can totally relate, even w/o kids.
Perhaps I can just print this out and give it to D the next time he sidles up to me with wiggly eyebrows?
I just read this again, because the last time i read it was on my BB, and well.. that’s just impossible to read on!
This is actually hilarious. And so true, and so honest. I still don’t know how the 2.5 of you trash your house like you say, but I digress.
If my husband knew what I was thinking sometimes WHILE having sex he’d climb off me and just do the dishes out of sympathy for my brain
YES! Change a couple of the names/details and it’s MY LIFE.
I could have written that word for word! And seriously LOL at Nate. Love it. Totally something my husband would say to make us both laugh.
Amen sista.
Love it! This is my life.
i’m going to fix all your problems in one comment, k?
ready go. put something in the crock pot before you leave for work so that it’s hot & bubbly when you all get home & it’s freezing out & you’re exhausted. (call me, i have recipes!) put on concealer & mascara at red lights on the way to work (it’s all you need you have always had perfect skin!). when H wakes up fussy, send D to snuggle him so that you can take 15 minutes to hit the “reset” button- throw a load of laundry in, set out an outfit, pick up a few toys etc so that you don’t go crazy looking at them. then invite D into the shower & have a blast sending your water bill (amongst other things) through the roof 
you are human. you can do it all, but you can’t do it all perfectly. love you
We have also had this exact same conversation a few times. Still haven’t resolved it either.
Been reading for awhile now, this is almost my favorite thing you’ve posted! You said it all so perfectly, thank you! Totally my life, love it!
Holy crap- I was totally laughing out loud the whole time!! This is what runs through every woman’s mind ALL DAY LONG. And every man should have to carry a copy of this around with them..just so they have a hint at why we are so exhausted and sometimes a little cranky at night when they give us their bedroom eyes and a knowing rub! You hit it right on the head!!
Me. I also need a lamp to function.
Also, this post made me laugh manically- to the point that my husband was shooting me stink eye and saying, “What!?” repeatedly.
I am laughing so hard my husband just looked up from his xbox game. This is like every night at my house!
And this is EXACTLY why I keep reading your blog. Honest, raw and real. Thank you. Keep going. Jaci can go to hell because this is probably the only thing keeping you connected to yourself right now. Do not stop spewing on the Internet Blair! You are helping other women while helping yourself. Good effing job.
best explanation i’ve ever read… BEST
HAHAHAHAH! Was it like a T-Rex eye or a triceratops? Key is in the detail.
This cracked me up. I figured he was going to say sex and bewbs.
Dare I swear, but this post is fucking awesome & may just be the best & most honest thing I have ever read. I feel so inadequate as a mother, wife, worker bee, etc. My house is gross, I am exhausted, I go from 6 am to 10:30 pm every freaking day…when will the dust bunnies be gone, the laundry done, & maybe just once have manicured nails and a hair cut? I feel myself falling into a depression fueled by exhaustion & loneliness. BUT (not that I want to make myself feel better because you feel bad, although misery does love company) I am not alone & neither are you. Thank you so much for this post. I thought I was the only one…. I wish I knew you so I could give you a hug. P.S. I love run on sentences…I am a Yankee, it is how we speak.
I’m going to make my husband sit down and read this post sometime soon.
When he’s done I’m going to ask him if he has any questions.
Then I’m going to walk away with a smile on my face.
Thanks Blair!
lol…AMEN SISTER!!!!! I was totally having like the shittiest week EVER and this is the first time all week I have laughed and meant it. THANK YOU
will someone puh-lease explain this to my hubby? i am exhausted and satisfying his physiological needs (as he puts it) is just one more thing on my to do list. and i’m so TIRED.
Blair, I love your blog. I am a new mom, my daughter is almost 4 months old. It is so hard for women! We worry all the time about EVERYTHING, its like mommy ADD. Then, to be a wife, a friend, a co-worker, a person…..its so hard to take care of everybody! And of course the last person you take care of is yourself. Last night was the first night that I was taking care of Ava, gave her a bath AND cooked dinner!!!!!!!!!!! All by myself! Its still hard to get back into a routine especially dinner time with a newborn…but I’m getting there. I haven’t cooked in months! My husband usually does it because its just too hard cleaning, cooking, taking care of her, the two high maintenance dogs we have etc…. Your family seems happy, healthy and well…thats what matters! One day we are supposed to look back at these times and miss it….right now its hard to imagine that sometimes, but I’m sure its true. xoxox
OMG I am cracking up laughing!!!! This is exactly the 100 of things going through my head!
Thank you for verbalizing my day! It’s a pleasure to know I’m not crazy or alone!
Thank you for ALWAYS being honest– somehow you manage to write what my friends and I think. And, my husband is the same… except for the dinosaur eye thing. (Though to be fair it would be something else awkward and unflattering.)
I died from laughter a little bit when I read this!
Get out of my brain. Seriously. LOL, you are so not alone. I could have written this myself!
Can I say what almost a hundred other people have said… seriously, get out of my head.
It’s so wonderful to know I am not alone and I’m not crazy and that not everyone else out there has this perfect little world where they magically manage to get everything done.
All this time I have wondered how others do it and what the eff is wrong with me.
Seriously though, thank you for being so honest.
And to Erin Smith above – that’s probably what my husband would respond with…
BA,
I can’t even begin to explain how hard I am laughing. It’s been a while since I’ve been on because of the crazy holidays, but I check back in and find this gem of a post. Holy Mother – I am dying.
I love you. Your 2011 is going to rock lady.
HI.LAR.I.OUS!
His response sounds like something my hubby would do to me.
- or –
He would say “It’s pretty obvious what I was thinking about,” and pull down the covers to show me.
Ahh, testosterone.
I love the motherfucking shit out of you.
Oh my gosh this is hilarious. And so freaking TRUE. I might just send this link to my husband …
This is great. I mean, it’s not great because I have the same kind of crap running through my head and my days are very similar, but it’s great that you put it into words and shared it. BTW…I’ve faked being asleep when my husband comes into our bed at night because I’m not in the mood/too tired for “it”. I also feel bad because some nights, I’d really rather just sit up alone for a while and watch some trashy reality tv so that I can relax.
I can SO relate to everything you wrote! Thank you for putting that out there!!