It has been an ordinary day.
But also? An extraordinary day.
This morning, I woke up before both boys. I laid in bed, snug under the warm covers & waited to hear the growling bear sounds of Nate beside me. He growls, I tell you. & so does the little boy in the navy blue room. Bears, the both of them. The house was completely still & I savored the peace that only 6:45am on Saturday morning can bring in the dead of winter. At the sound of the boy stirring, I hopped out of bed & padded into the nursery. We dressed for the day, ate a warm oatmeal breakfast, then he played with his trucks while Nate browsed the internet & I threw in a load of laundry.
After lunch, Nate kissed us goodbye for a much-deserved afternoon out with the boys.
& it was just me & Harrison.
I gated off the upstairs so I could keep trucking away at chores. I wiped down Harrison’s room & painfully changed his crib sheet while he puttered around the nursery, babbling & walking up to hug my legs. & I realized…I have a little buddy. This little dude that clings to my calves & burries his face in the denim on my legs. He is my pal. He’s there tossing laundry that I’ve just folded, making sure I laugh with exasperation. He’s there brushing his teeth for fun while I scrub down his bathtub & comment on how dirty a boy he must be every night to make a tub so filthy.
He’s the friend that keeps the mundane entertaining & fun. & I was so happy that he was just there with me, by my side. Because he’s one of the coolest people I know & I felt thrilled to simply be with him.
Between chores, I paused. I sat down on the floor to read him “Guess How Much I Love You” & “How Do Dinosaurs Treat Their Friends?” I sniffed him behind his ears because it’s such a sweet spot. I played his favorite game, where he stands in his crib & chucks out the stuffed animals & blankets for me to fetch & toss back in. His giggles filled the entire room until we both laughed. I tried to teach him how to call Tuck – “Doggie!!” – & was rewarded with him saying “Da-da!” after a few minutes with the same inflection I used. (& I quickly clucked my tongue to have Tuck come running. Harrison was thrilled that “he” could make her come at his request.)
& when his eyes drooped heavily & he rubbed them with sleep, I laid him down in his crib & turned off the light. Exchanged a little more laundry & mopped the downstairs floors in the quiet, thinking of how peaceful it all felt. With butter & cream cheese softening on the counter for the afternoon’s Christmas baking, Tuck sleeping in a corner on the couch. Thankful for our pretty house & tasty lunch & Christmas-time.
This is the motherhood I felt I was missing. This is what I did not understand. All those months, when I felt jaded & lied to & horrified by reality. All of those blog posts where I questioned motherhood & purpose & myself. This is what I was missing. This is the happiness all of you spoke of when you didn’t understand my words & meaning. It’s what I envied in all of you that did not understand me. This feeling in my heart is what didn’t fall into place for me so easily & naturally.
I get it now. That happiness. That overwhelming love & peace that floods all understanding. That patience that surpasses anything I ever thought I could muster. That explosion of hope that I feel when I look into his sweet face. That sense of purpose, even over dirty socks & grilled cheese sandwiches. The fulfillment of motherhood.
It has found me. I have found it.
picture.
This post makes me so happy for you. Enjoy motherhood. You’ve earned it.
I hope those feelings last forever and the memory of today gets you through some more difficult times. Beautiful.
Thank you. I felt the same way. Although I’ve loved my boy w/ all of my heart, I didn’t have those mushy gushy “mommyhood is the best!” feelings and I felt like a bad mom because it didn’t come naturally to me. My son will be 1 in a couple weeks and these gushy feelings are now in my heart and soul but it takes time for some of us, and thats ok!
This is the sweetest post I have read in a long time. It made me look at my little one and just smile. Yes this is motherhood and it’s a gooey, cheesy, goofy feeling that you just can’t figure out how it crept into your life or your heart. Not that we care anyway we just want it to stay and linger a bit more.
A freaking men.
I want to grab a time machine and haul ass back to February and tell myself that I WILL be okay.
Enjoy your little one, BA.
HUGS!
There you go, Momma!
Makes it all worth the struggle:-)
Beautiful post as usual! Always makes me smile.
Glad you found your peace with motherhood and your adorable little man!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
xo
I love this post. I love those days. I’m so glad you’re able to enjoy it now.
I love this. It’s weird that I feel a lot of those same feelings when I’m babysitting and I’ve put the kids down to bed or when we’re dancing to loud kid’s music. But yet, I could have the same feelings you had when it’s my own children, when I always have to be there, and when my hormones are totally out of wack. We will see. Nevertheless, I’m glad you feel the joy. You totally deserve it!
This is a great post. I am SO glad you have found the happiness we all told you was there. Congratulations. Enjoy it! YOU deserve it!
‘Tis awesome, is it not? Having recently found the same thing, I know how you feel. It makes me cry, then I cry because I’m crying and I spent too many years crying!
So happy you’ve found your joy.
I’m so glad you’ve found that bliss. And I’m jealous. Two years in, and I’m still searching for it…
I am so happy that you are reaping all the benefits of having a toddler son! My guy is my best friend, too. Laundry is a new passion of his. He likes to “organize” his drawers and put clothes in the washer one at a time while making a “whoo!” noise.
Perfection, right? I’m glad your boy makes you so damn happy. Mine makes me so damn happy I can’t imagine life without him.
Yay. Yay. I love just being with my little girl. She’s the best. And I’d usually take her over most other people!
yes. i get it. took awhile for me too. But now? i love it ALL.
happiness in my heart for you today!
Yesssss. I think all your readers have been waiting for this post for a long time. I’m so happy for you!
And you deserve every minute of that happiness <3 Merry Christmas!
Im so glad BA. You deserve every single mushy gushy second of this happiness!
YAY I love it for you. I have to remind myself to enjoy those minutes and seconds. Motherhood didn’t come as easily and I had thought it would. These little moments are what gets me through too
I’m so happy for you! I am still waiting for it after a couple years
this is your best post ever. I mean that. Of all your posts you’ve ever made, from whores killing vibrators to admitting your PPD, this is the best one ever.
Congratulations on becoming a mom
::Sniff:: Merry Christmas Friend. This has been my wish and prayer for you for so long.
This has made me tear up…I’m so happy for you.
I am SO happy for you. It’s a magical feeling… I’m not a fan of newborns (although I’ve had two) they just don’t “do” anything for me… but a toddler, mmm, if only I could ‘freeze’ my children in the phase a little longer. It’s amazing, incredible, and the best place I’ve ever been. My kids make every day task bearable. When my 14 months old takes laundry from the washing machine and puts it in the dryer with squeals of pleasure because she’s so proud of herself, it makes my day!
Enjoy. I hope you stay in this place of contentment for a very long time.
i knew you’d get there Blair! i’m so happy to hear you say that.
i cannot speak for all other ppd sufferers, but when i did not feel completel fullfilment from my baby during my suffering, i knew i was missing something great. but i just couldn’t get there. and now that i’ve found it, it makes me NEVER take ONE day for granted. i take time out to enjoy the feeling of seeing my daughter run and laugh before my eyes. to laugh when i find one of her barrettes in my shoe or the remote at the bottom of the stairs. it ALL means so much to me.
you know the saying “you never know what you have until it’s gone?” well that’s how i felt, only backwards. i never knew what i had until i actually felt it.
Sweet post, I wish we could save these moments forever. I’m always grateful for my blog–to look back on everything that motherhood has offered me so far. If I didn’t write it down I don’t think I’d recall just how intense (and extraordinary, as you mention) it all feels in the moment.
Little boys make the best friends, don’t they??!!
Oh Blair! I’m so SO happy for you! That feeling is what makes parenthood so magical and you have deserved it for so long!
powerful words that were beautifully written – that last paragraph knocked my socks off! just thrilled for you and honestly, even as someone who really did enjoy all the infant stuff, i’m actually more in awe of poppy’s awesomeness since toddlerhood hit than when she was really little! haha! <3
So beautifully said.
I need to remember to savour the moments with my kids who are 8, 6 and 2 because time really does go fast and I know I will miss the moments……
This post makes me smile.
My husband never understands why I don’t use our family more for babysitting during the day (namely: his mom) when I need to run errands and do mundane tasks…. I keep telling him, because it is fun! I love having our kid around, talking with me, toddling around, picking up lint and saying, “THANK YOU!” to me. It’s so much FUN.
YAY!! Thats awesome…I actually thought that was your clothes line too…oops.
I have been following you for a long time, but never posted. This is by far my favorite post. Ever. I have tears in my eyes. Enjoy that sweet little boy.
Reading this post is pure bliss to my heart and I am so happy for you! What a wonderful Christmas this will be for your family
So happy for you, I totally feel you. I used to wonder how everyone loved motherhood so much. Then when the PPD fog lifted, I got small glimpses. Now I have the overwhelming joy and love of motherhood, it’s pretty awesome. And thankfully I read this at home, instead of at work where I would have cried and gotten concerned looks from co workers.
it took me nearly 10 months to get there too, but every day since then (he’s 14months now) just gets better and better. I never smelled Henry on purpose when he was an infant, I didn’t get it, why would you do that unless checking for poo? Now I catch myself doing it all the time.
So happy for you!
Beautiful! You captured it so well, I feel like I was right there with you guys in your little haven. So sweet, BA.
This post gave me full-body chills. So happy for you.
Beautiful! You captured it so well, I feel like I was right there with you guys in your little haven. So sweet, BA.
Just beautiful.
This post gave me full-body chills. So happy for you.