It’s not really a secret that I haven’t been feeling up to snuff today.
(I guess we’ll all have our bad days even without the baggage of PPD.)
I’ve had a lot of stress this week & we all know that I don’t cope exceptionally well with it. & when I’m honest, I am not doing very well with it getting dark much earlier. It’s teaching me that I have limitations & I have to find ways around it, rather that letting it pull me down. Like during Harrison’s bedtime bottle – this summer, I have been doing beautifully with it after struggling for so long. The lasting dusk would bathe over us in the nursery, keeping his face & all shadows lit enough to see. But lately, as the days have gotten progressively shorter, it has become dark during the night feeding. & I simply cannot sit in the darkness with Harrison. It’s almost like the bad memories flood in & I am thrown back to last winter when I loathed every moment in that blue nursery. So every night when I curl up in the glider with Harrison, Nate flips on the hall lights. It’s a small act that keeps me level & sane – & allows me to live with the PPD.
It’s about learning to live with PPD. Learning to accept my own personal limitations.
(I think we all have things like that. We just have to learn to navigate life with them.)
Sometimes that means a run. Like tonight, when I hit the pavement with Tuck & pounded out my aggression until I felt weak with exertion & endorphins.
& sometimes it means artificial lighting.
Ladies & gentlemen, I would like you to meet Howard.
<————
(he’s a light therapy lamp!) I figured he deserves a good, solid name. I might even call him “Howie” if I get drunk start feeling affectionate.
Basically, I sit under him for 30 minutes to an hour while I blog or watch Vampire Diaries & eat bon-bons. & something cool happens where the light goes into my retinas & makes me think it’s a summer day inside my house & little fairies start dancing & my heart goes pitter-patter & all my juices start flowing until my writing starts sounding more Sophia Kinsella & less Jodi Picoult.
Or something like that.
I’m not expecting miracles. I don’t even know if this will work. But it’s worth a shot & I’m doing everything I can to keep fighting this.
Because I deserve light, even if it’s artificial.
Hi Howard!
You deserve so many good things & I’m happy that a little light can help you along the way.
Howard – keep up the good work!
You deserve so many good things & I’m happy that a little light can help you along the way.
Howard – keep up the good work!!
Where’d you get this? I was thinking I need artificial light, but the light boxes on amazon were expensive…. and I like that you can sort of put this above you, instead of sitting in front of it (which seemed lame).
Most adults are deficient for Vitamin D and that is bad for your heart, your bones, and, definitely your mood. It’s clinically shown to improve mood in a lot of people… and even if it doesn’t, it certainly won’t hurt you! So huzzah for you.
And seriously, where to buy?
This one I snagged from my parent’s house – but my dad found it at Sam’s for $50 last year!
Ugh! Sorry about the double ::blush::
I’ve heard of a lot of people using those lamps to fight seasonal depression. I hope it helps you!
Btw we need pics from Harrison’s Birthday party!
The shortened days that you just talked about were and are always a trigger for me. It’s harder for me to feel like “me” when the sun starts going down earlier. That’s why I tanned in the winter in college.
Hi, Howard!
Hi howard!
That is a good idea. Night always seems to make my ppd/ppa worse too. I hope it helps!
Ah, Fall Time… What a conflicted relationship I have with you. Love the cider, crisp air, sweaters, scarves, and golden leaves on trees. Hate Hate Hate the short days. Like with the passion of a thousand fiery STDs. Waking up in the dark is an assault on my day. It almost drives me to move south for the winter. Almost.
I’m right there with you Blair! I also am a seasonal depression kinda girl. A lamp might be what I need too.
hey howard!
Im thinking this kind of light would be good for a whole lot of people…
This is such a great idea! they say that if people live in dark areas, the chances of depression are much higher. For instance, apparently the highest severe depression rate is in Russia, where it’s freezing and dark all the time. So, keep on to howard. And if god forbid, that light bulb goes out, go by yourself another one, because if he makes you happy and makes those retinas feel bright, it’s worth it!!! : )
I love your posts. They’re so honest and great.
I actually like the when the day grows into evening. I think it’s because that means Ed is home to help me with the kids & that the kids are going to bed soon. Being a full-time SAHM, I honestly count down the minutes at the end of the day until my kids go to bed. It’s not that I don’t love them or want to be around them, but I am done by the time thei bedtime rolls arounds & it’s all I can do to stay sane until they go to bed.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I am so glad you share what you do about your struggle with PPD & depression. It really is an uphill battle. Much love!
I think I need a Howard.
Just the fact that you said the words Vampire Diares, Sophia Kinsella, and Jodi Piccoult in one blog post makes me reaffirm the fact that we are in fact, soul sisters.
I have been thinking about getting one of these. Keep us updated!
And too funny. I read a lot of Jodi Picoult AND Sophie Kinsella during the worst of my PPD.
they are two of my favorite authors
Nice to meet you, Howard!
I’ve heard lots of great things about light therapy, especially against Seasonal Affective Disorder. Light is good for everything!
Hey BA, Where did you get Howard?? I am looking into getting one b/c I’ve been diagnosed with S.A.D. and my insurance *might* cover it. Was it very expensive? Thanks! =)
um- Duh, I clearly didn’t read the comments before posting…sorry
We have one of these lamps too – I really think it makes a difference. I too cannot handle the early darkness.
Hi Howard!
Our chiropractor has a room with a wall of lights. Especially for seasonal affective disorder. My hubby always buys me a package to go a bunch during the winter. I strip down and stand in front of the lights. I feel so much better afterward. It’s kinda like tanning, but less bad-for-the-skin.
Hope it helps Blair!
Hi Howard- Take really good care of our Blair, okay?
Keep fighting the good fight Blair, you’re doing an awesome job.
Oh. How I know how the stupidest things can trigger memories. When I started experiencing high anxiety that was so painful it triggered derealization…that’s when everything around me looked fake, kind of like watching a movie. It was terrifying. It started right around Canadian thanksgiving. Every time fall is in the air I get little reminders of that difficult time. It sucks. A .lot. It’s hard to let go.
I am sending you healing hugs. I am here for you
PS. I fake and bake for the simple reason that feeling the warmth of the lights soothes me. It won’t cure you but it may help you in the moment.
PPS. I am proud of you for talking about your feelings!
I need to get my butt out there and buy one of those, too. The seasons totally effect me, as well. Which one did you buy?
I find my mood is really impacted by light. My husband and I have a constant battle with the lights in the house – I have very specific ones I want on or off at certain times and it drives me batty (literally) when he screws with them. (Dude, just leave the light over the sink on until I go to bed, please???)
I also find it interesting what you said about thinking back to this time last year. I’ve been struggling a lot with that – last fall was really hard for me and I’ve been dreading it. The summer was that way, too, but we had a great few months that I feel have really washed away that gloom hanging over that period. I’m really hoping for the same thing to happen with fall – it used to be one of my favorite times of year!
I know its not always a good thing but the tanning bed helps me, I go once a week ( I see a dermo every 6 months just in case) I live in Pittsburgh and it is very dreary here but it makes me feel soo much better.
Hi Howard!
I am so excited that you have howard… really! I’m a lighting designer, and we studied (briefly) in school all about the effects of S.A.D. – and I am pretty sure that it is something that I deal with every fall too. Ironic, being in the lighting industry, I’ve never tried light therapy… I’ve thought about it often (every year about this time)… but have never looked into it.
I really am excited for you. and I really hope that Howard is a good tool for you during this transistional season… and throughout the winter months, too.
Hugs.
I had a coworker that used light therapy when I worked at the bank. It really helped her.
Silly thought, but have you tried giving him his last bottle in another room?
With Elizabeth, I always fed her in her room with the light off. I’d sit in that rocking chair, quiet and bored and ready to throw her against the wall, thinking, “Just eat this and GO TO SLEEP! I want to do something else! I want to go downstairs with Kevin and watch TV and feel NORMAL!” For some reason, I thought she had to be fed in her room with the light off.
But now with Elodie, we all sit together as a family in the den and I feed her. The TV is on–quietly–and if I notice she’s wide awake, I turn the lights off. I’m distracted by the TV and I’m still with the family–and before I know it, I look down and Elodie is out.
It’s a small change, but one I really wish I had used with Elizabeth. I could have sat on the couch in the darkened living room with Kevin–why was I upstairs alone and miserable in the rocking chair?
And yes, if it’s dark and I’m rocking Elodie in that damn rocking chair–I flash back to 5 years ago with Elizabeth and I start squirming. It’s a nice rocking chair, but honestly? When Elodie turns one I want to burn it in my fireplace and never lay eyes on it again.
Mother of the year, huh?
You’re not alone, hun. Not by a long shot.
hi howard!
i TOTALLY had a light therapy “box” about 7 years ago when i went through a really bad winter feeling sooo lethargic and tired i would pass out in bed at about 7 or 8 pm. it did help! or maybe it was all in my head, but either way, it seemed to help. and i got off those damn birth control pills. so one of the two things helped.
anyway, howard’s cute!
I’ve been shopping around for a Howard this year, too. Virtually shopping around. I’m an internet shopping kinda girl.
I am determined to find a way to work with my issues, rather than suffer with them til Spring.
On a side note, I am so happy that you are open and honest about things right now. PPD is real and it’s not fun. It’s nice to know that others are struggling with setbacks, too, and it’s not just me.
Oh! And my whole purpose for pushing the comment button! I have wondered before if there isn’t some kind of PTSD that happens for moms that go through PPD/PPA stuff. I can be triggered by smells, seasons, etc, and it can take me right back.
LOL, you named the lamp like it’s people. That reminds me of the Ikea lamp commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeyEXt7-0jU
I have read that those sunlight lamps are very therapeutic. Good for you! You are such a strong woman!
I just wanted to remind you of what a blessing you are to others. I have battled depression and anxiety on and off since I was 19. When I found out I was pg, I cut out all meds and to be honest pregnancy was the best I had ever felt emotionally. Once I had my daughter, I didn’t want to get back on anything because of all the weight I had gained before I got pregnant and decided to just go at life without medication. In September I began having panic attacks which I had never had before and ended up in the emergency room. During that panic attack I had an episode where my heart went from 80 to 170 within seconds. I was then diagnosed with SVT, which thankfully isn’t fatal but it’s beyond terrifying. The doctors are fairly certain the SVT episode came from stress, depression, anxiety… Which I now know I have to control with medication. Thank you for sharing your story with us.. Your day to day battles and struggles. It helps all of us out here who are going through life trying to find the best medicine, the best counselor, and the best us we can be for our little ones. You’re a blessing.. and I so appreciate you sharing your life with us.
Just pretend you live in Alaska or northern Russia. Much of their population uses light therapy regularly due to lack of sunlight anyway! Totally normal.
Vitamin D deficiency directly effects our mood. Seasonal defective disorder is more common than we all think!
I hope Howard lights it up for you
Ha ha! My husband’s name is Howard and he is the light of my life!!!
Hi Howard! Welcome to your new home!
I have a lamp kind of like that – it’s one that is supposed to simulate sunlight. Hard to tell if it’s working or not (I don’t use it as often as I should). Mine is a blue light, though, so I feel like I’m in a tanning booth every time I use it.
Oh my god..I am so curious to see if this helps you..I have wanted to try one for a while..I hope it helps.
We sell a similar lamp where I work and have often pondered if we would love our jobs more if we had them installed in the ceiling in place of the present fluorescent lighting…