Sometimes, I forget my husband.
I forget that my husband has fears & doubts & worries. Partly because I see him as a pillar of strength, the unwavering head of our family. Mostly because I can’t remove my head from my ass long enough to consider him.
& that’s just awful.
I forget that he’s worried too, when we drop Harrison off at daycare. I forget that this is hard on him – that as much as I had yearned to stay home, he wished he could solely provide for us. I forget that it’s not just my own sacrafices, but his too. I forget that every day that I am tired from work, he is just as tired, plus he probably feels guilty that I have to work. & that’s probably why he rubs my temples every night.
I skate over the fact that Harrison is his son, too. That he’s as much of an extension of Nate as he is of me. That it may be my chin & nose, but it’s Nate’s eyes & curls. I forget that every time Harrison falls, Nate’s stomach flips just as much as mine does.
I forget my husband.
Because I am too obsessed with my own worries, my own fears, my own selfish desires. & in a world where good, involved fathers are hard to come by, I have been too selfish in my own worries to appreciate the man that is raising our son with me.
In short? I suck.
& I owe him about 4,000 temple rubs.
I could have written this. I don’t give Travis near the credit that I should. He does piss me off to no end from time to time, but I need to remember what a fantastic father he is and how he’s doing the best he can!
I know what men like more than temple rubs…
I kid. Sort of.
But good for you for admitting this. I am guilty of it too… & I don’t even have a baby yet.
I wish I couldn’t agree with everything in this post. It makes me feel so guilty.
I have been a long time reader of your blog, but never commented before….but this post really hit home with me. I need to remember these same things when it comes to my husband. I always feel like I am giving so much, but so his he!!
Is it the husband’s responsibility to provide? I’m of the opinion that if someone wants to stay home, it can be either the father or the mother.
It doesn’t all have to fall on the husband simply because he is a man.
You are so right. It is so easy to forget. I will definitely remember to thank my husband tonight.
I could have written this post. Thanks so much for providing the words that I have struggled to find.
You don’t suck! I think this is something that lots of moms (myself included) do! In fact, I was just talking to some friends with kids about something very similar…not identical to this post, but in the same spirit. We were discussing how we try to program and arrange for the time that our hubbies spend with the babies. For instance, I have a committment after work and won’t be home until after R’s bedtime. Last night I told hubby “I’ll make sure R has a bath tonight so that you don’t have to do it tonight. And remember that he likes to play with the toy train, so you can do that while I’m gone.” And so, and so forth, ignoring the fact that 1) my husband is more than competent in giving the boy a bath, and 2) he can fill their time together doing whatever they want. It’s somehow like I discount that he is just as good (if not better) parent than i am, and i am not the only one that thinks about the well-being of our child.
I jumping on this too. I so often forget that maybe I’m not the only parent in this family and completley neglect my husband’s thoughts, fears and ways of doing things. It’s something I’m working on. You don’t suck. You’re just normal.
I think it’s a common trap. Even for SAHM’s. Because I don’t get why he doesn’t come in the door and take Sophia “off my hands” and give me a break. He works 10 hours a day as a minimum, in a stressful job. I should be giving him a beer when he walks in the door.
You are not selfish. You are going through a rough time in your life and your husband is supporting you, to get you better. There will be times in life where the tables will be turned and you’ll be the rock supporting him. This is what life is – and that’s what makes for a strong marriage.
I totally get where you’re coming from. I tend to take the lead when it comes to our son. Maybe that’s wrong, but I really don’t know how to do otherwise. My husband lets me do it, and he usually doesn’t seem to mind. But I know there are times that he feels left out of the decision-making or what-have-you. I know he has opinions and feelings and should have just as much of a say as I do. And he works full-time just as I do. Come to think of it, I need to do some of that temple-rubbing too.
Just the fact that you wrote this post shows that you aren’t selfish. You realize he’s going through things as well and that’s important. Just make sure to let him know that you appreciate everything he does for you guys. At least he goes out and provides some to your happiness and at least he takes the time to rub those temples. I’ve seen TOO many Dads that are so hands off with their children and it’s so sad. You saying he drops him off at daycare? How unique. When I dropped my daughter off at daycare today, there was not ONE male doing that. My husband is picking her up today and I think he’s going to feel awfully lonely, but personally, I’m awfully proud. ; )
Ugh, totally feel you. As much as I absolutely adore my husband, it’s easy for me to forget that he works all day just like me. Our jobs are just entirely different. As hard as it is for me to be with Sully 24/7, he never gets to be with him. It’s a strange thing.
I think we are all guilty of taking advantage of the fact that they are there. Often, I find myself wishing that he’d help out more. But he already does so much, that it’s not fair for me to want him to do everything. And that he needs breaks too, just like I do. Give Nate a big hug and a kiss today and let him know how much you appreciate him… those kind of things go a long way.
Not horrible or selfish, m’dear. Just human
I have the very same problems, just like many other women like us!
me too. me too. me too.
What an awesome way to say “I’m sorry,” BA. This was a wonderful post.
This is great. I am a SAHM and while I recognize and appreciate my husband’s ability to provide for us, I often don’t credit him enough for sacrificing and working so hard so that I can stay home. Thanks for the reminder.
You don’t suck. We all forget the other 1/2 from time to time. Men and women alike. You do still care enough to: a) write this post. b) admit it. Not many would be so wonderfully honest.
Hmmm…I think tonite when Ty and I Skype I’ll toast Greatfulness, Happy Marriages and Parenthood…
Thank You.
wow we are totally on the same page the past two days… I definitely relate to this too and we just had a huge conversation where I realized omg! my hubs has feelings and goals and everything just like me! oops.
You know it is funny you wrote this today. I seriously just wrote about my daughter’s first day in day care today and how I was glad it was my husband that dropped her off. I tend to forget that I am sure it was just as painful for him to leave her with someone else. Always good to remember the hubs.
I couldn’t agree more & you are not selfish because I think a lot of moms feel this way.
Sometimes I do “forget” about my husband like that too, when my baby cries I instantly jump to my feet, when he can’t reach a toy under the couch I’m the one who hurries over to help him with it, & I tend to forget that my husband is his father and he’s just as capable of doing those things as I am.. weird as it may sound because they are such simple things.
what an honest post..I myself can relate as well. My husband is a hard working guy and I sometimes feel like I don’t give him as much credit as he deserves. You don’t suck..both Nate and Harrison are lucky to have you in thier lives!
You don’t suck. You are a new mother. And new mothers can easily forget there are also new fathers because HOLY CRAP THIS SHIT IS HARD.
You are a good person for realizing this at all, because it took me to read your post to remember that I too forget about my hubs/baby daddy.
Thank you.
Wow! I seriously could have written this post! Except, mine wouldnt have been as good as yours! I need to remember my hubby’s feelings too before I bring mine on the table
I think you are fabulous. Mother, wife, or even just girlfriends, we all forget how good our men really are to us & how strong they are. Also, I think its important for us to remember that as women, we’re usually in touch with our feelings but men aren’t. Just because they aren’t showing it, doesn’t mean they’re not feeling it. Thanks for the reminder. I think I’ll kiss Drew a few extra times tonight.
You don’t suck! It does sound like you have a great man at your side, but I’m sure he’d say the same about you. Why else would he give you temple rubs?!?!
Wow thanks for the kick in the butt reminder. My husband really is a saint and I need to appreciate him more. He deserves it!
Husband who? Kidding. I can totally relate to this. When I got kicked in the face with PPD everything became about me and how I was dealing with things and he kind of got pushed to the side. He needed help too because not only was he taking care of me, he was taking care of a baby and a house and a job…all by himself. Man, if I had a million of them rubes…
You’re not alone in the Selfish boat. I so get it. And like Joanna said, I hate that I get this because it makes me feel that much worse about the fact that I get it.
You totally don’t suck! I think we all do this to some degree from time to time and the mere fact that you acknowledge it shows that you are indeed awesome and not sucky at all.
And the best part? They understand. Because your hubs sounds a lot like mine and they get it. They know we care about them more then anything and we just get a little caught up in things sometimes.
this may be one of the most relatable posts ever. and no one ever admits it. kudos, kudos, kudos!!
Don’t feel bad!! I think most wifes do this to their husbands. We just have to keep remembering it is happening & try to change it!
I can TOTALLY relate…. i feel the same way all the time. BUT, it doesn’t mean you suck. It means your HUMAN!
Aw that is such a sweet and sincere post….I think we all forget our husbands sometimes and when we remember everything they do and go through – it makes us realize how beyond lucky and blessed we are they chose us.
all three of your posts that I have read today (yes, because I am very behind…damn that thing called work), have struck a chord with me.
I also forget my husband. And his worries about his wife overworking herself to provide for the family. And the shame he has of not contributing. And and and….
i suck too.
Blair,
I never comment, but I too could have written this post. I try my darndest to always remember him, but I fail and I fail often. My husband is a Marine, a darn good one, but beyond that he is the best father and man that I have ever known. He is about to deploy shortly before I deliver our second son and I know he his torn between his “duty” to his family and his duty to his country, and for that, I love him even more. Good luck Blair.
You are SO not alone in this. In fact, reading this has made me realize just how much I forget about Jay and take him for granted sometimes. You have a good man and a great relationship. Keep it up.
I’m a long time reader and have never posted a comment before but I feel like I could have written this post- it literally made me cry- so often we neglect to consider our husbands- their thoughts, their emotional journey- and this is a great reminder to always consider their, often unsaid, feelings.