I loved the beach. I loved the ocean & the sunshine & the sand. I loved watching movies with my older brother & laughing at the same lines. I loved making pancakes with The Momma. I loved reading on the porch swing, curling up in bed for a nap with Nate, & that fabulous drowsy feeling you get after being in the sun all day.
But I loved Harrison best.
Out of everything good on vacation, he was the highlight.
I don’t get to spend a ton of time with my kid. We’ll just put that right out there on the table. Some people will wrinkle their nose at me, tell me someone else is raising my child, & not understand the torture that I feel every day that I drop my child off & head to work. It’s not enough, but we’re making it work for us because it has to. & I’m focusing on qaulity over quanitity & simply being PRESENT with my son when we’re together. Not missing the moments that I can catch & being a parent, rather than a journalist.
The week before vacation, I felt completely isolated from Harrison. I was away for a long weekend with Blogher, we had packed weekends before that, & I have been working long hours. He began going to bed earlier & earlier as he became more active during the day, meaning my hour & a half with him at night was cut back. I missed my son so badly that I ached every single day, watching the clock tick to 5pm. I began (again!) questioning every decision that Nate & I ever made.
At 5pm on Friday, I raced out the door to my son, ready to begin a week with him. Sure, I was excited about the sunshine & good dinners to come. But I was most excited to simply be a mother on vacation.
Every morning, we woke up early while the rest of the house slept. We went for walks on the beach as the sun came up. We wrestled on the couch before breakfast. I cooked him egg yolks, pancakes, & played patty cake. (I tried to teach him to clap, but no dice). We stood on the porch & waved “bye-bye” to the cars for 30 minutes every night. We swang as the sun faded, with his head on my shoulder. He was so peaceful to simply be with me, & I soaked it up.
I quickly immersed myself into his routine, making sure that Nate & I were his sole caretakers. I knew my family was there to help, but I wanted to be it for Harrison. & I learned that he likes chicken in homemade red sauce. I learned that I like BumGenius diapers the best for daytime. That he loves to be flipped upside down because he knows no fear. I learned that he refuses to hold his own bottle, even though he can walk. That he is brave & conquering & everything a boy should be at this age. I re-learned everything I was afraid that I was missing.
& I realized that no matter how much I work, how often I am away…
I am his mother. & he loves me best.
It is something I did not know before. I heard it, but I didn’t comprehend it. How could he want me most when my sister is the one kissing his knees when he falls? How could he prefer me as his protector when The Momma is the one feeding him breakfast each morning?
But he does.
I saw it in the way his eyes lit up as he chose to toddle to me, rather than my brother. I saw it this past week, every time he gripped himself to me as a wave came crashing in. His love for me was in those stolen moments of peace on the swing, & the giggles erupting as we played peek-a-boo. It was there as he stuffed his cheeks full of pancake & said, “MMMMMM.”
He needed me! He liked me! & HE EVEN LIKED MY COOKING.
He loves me in spite of my long working hours. In spite of the commute straight from the pits of hell. He needs my protection in spite of the months when I couldn’t even protect him from myself.
He loves me in spite of myself. Because I’m his mother.
& it’s the most pure, innocent love.
Mothers, take heart. Especially you that work long hours outside of the home, or those that are in the depths of postpartum depression. No matter where you go, what you do, or how you do it….your child loves you best.
OMG Blair, this post is beautiful, and so is that 3rd picture of you and Harrison.
This is what it’s all about, I hope to see more of this as your journey of motherhood continues.
So sweet, and so true.
Sheer sweetness. I’m so glad you had that time. And it’s a good reminder that it’s the quality time that matters, not just being “present”. She’s been in full time daycare the last 2 years and it can be sad knowing how much time she is with others. But at the end of the day, it’s always about Mama.
What a beautiful post. Seriously, I think it’s my favorite thing you have ever written. Because I have been there, in the depths of PPD thinking my child will never love me. But she does. She loves me best. A child’s love for their mother is so pure, so beautiful.
Tears. This is awesome because it makes me realize I’m not alone with the working mom thing. I have about 2 hours each night with my son and I never feel it’s enough. I sit here at work counting down the hours until I see him again. I was the same way on vacation – everyone kept offering to take him away, and I said – nope, I’m OK watching him. I ate up every second of every day with him!
But you’re right – he does still reach for me, and still wants me above anyone else. They love their mommas.
Thank you so much for this post!
Blair, my mom AND dad were both full time working parents and I never felt like they were abandoning me for their job. My babysitter and my aunt were like my second moms but they were never MY mom. Don’t feel guilty that you provide for your family by working. He’ll understand when he gets older. I always loved my parents best.
I needed to hear this this morning. I’m a single, working mom. Monkey goes to daycare while I’m here,…but he is ALWAYS excited when I go pick him up. Always ready to leave and go home with me. I pften wonder if I’m doing the right thing too, but I know that I am. It’s the best I can do for him and us right now.
ohh, way to make me choke up while eating my lunch!!
this is perfect, i am so happy you are taking it all in. he DOES love you best. theres no one like mama, no matter what. you deserve this feeling.
so glad you had a nice vacation with your family and your son.
Whew!
I needed this one today. I’m desperately missing my baby girl today at work after such a great weekend.
Thanks, Blair.
Loved this. Perfect love.
sweet post. love that shirt! where did you get it?
Oh! Oh, so true. And so beautiful and perfect. I feel the same way often (commute from hell, not enough time with my kids, how will they know to love me best????) but it always comes back to that: I’m Momma and they LOVE ME.
You’re amazing. Thanks for this post today.
This is your most beautiful post yet. So loving and so full of hope! I’m so glad you had this special week with Harrison. Isn’t it wonderful to feel loved?
What an absolutely beautiful post. So sweet and endearing and the pictures, well I just love.adore.worship them.
(Fabulous top by the way!)
indeed they do (love us best). take that endless SAHM/WM debates. oy.
and you should frame those pics. they’re perfect!
What a beautiful post (and pictures!). Thank you for sharing!
I wish there were a “Like” button on this…
What a beautiful, wonderful post. It sounds like you had an amazing time. The pictures are adorable (I love your top!)
Thank you for this. I’m back at work today also, leaving my 13 month old twins at home with the sitter after 2 weeks off. I miss them so much I could puke. So much about it sucks, but it’s life and our babies are OUR babies no matter what childcare arrangements we have. Thanks for reminding me of that today. Hang in there.
Thank you for posting this. I feel the same way at times – like I’m not there for Noah as much as I should be… even though I don’t have a choice. Thank you!
We are headed to the beach in 2 weeks and I’m really looking forward to the exact same thing…being a full-time mom.
I know how you feel as a working mother as well. I only get to spend 90 minutes with my son in the morning and 1.5 to 2 hours at night. It’s not enough time!
Even though he’s been in daycare since January, I am still relieved everytime I see him get excited when I walk through the door to pick him up. Every. Time.
i loved this post. of course he loves you…you are and will always be his momma…his one and only. He’s so precious!!!
Never have I read something that has “hit home” as much as this.
The tears just won’t stop…
I am a medical resident with a 15 month old – need I say more?
But during my vacation time this summer, I too, have discovered what you did last week. Isn’t it the most incredible feeling in the world?
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this post – best post EVER Blair! I already worry about what we’ll do with our child when we both have to return to work full time – I know we have to but it doesn’t make it easier on me. But I love how you took my worries away and replaced them with “Don’t worry – you baby will love you no matter what.”
I am so glad you were able to spend such a wonderful vacation learning more about your son and more about yourself!
I totally know how this feels. My SIL comes to my house with her daughter every day to watch Claire and a few days ago, Claire reached her arms out to her as I was leaving for work. It was like she wasn’t upset about me leaving anymore. It broke my heart. But that evening when I got home, also following a horrible commute compounded by people who can’t drive in teh rain and must look at accidents on the interstate in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION, Claire lept out of SILs arms and sqealed for me. It wasn’t that she preferred SIL to me, it was that she is growing up, and knowing what to expect every day. And it actually makes leaving her easier, when she waves bye bye rather than crying as I drive away. So glad you enjoyed your vacation, and I too, stress quality over quantity. Keep rockin’ it girl!
This totally made me cry and I need to hear it as I prepare for baby knowing I’ll have to return to work.
Blair, you are so right. No matter what, he is proud of you, he loves you and he needs you. Although how he shows you these things may change over time – the feelings will never go away.
You are a great mom who has an amazing and loving family.
Love this post. & now I’m in tears. So happy you had a good time on you (much needed & deserved) vaca
This post brought tears to my eyes. Simply beautiful.
What a great post! I can relate. A lot. You know, when I prepared to take my first vacation with Nora, a friend said “it’s not relaxing when you take a trip with your kids, you may not enjoy it.” The thing is, when you’re a working mom, you will soak up as much time with your baby, even if it is less relaxing than a week at the beach without your baby. I’m glad you had some good bonding time! Great pics, by the way.
Beautiful and true. I’m glad your soul was refreshed by your time with Harrison.
And my boy likes me better than you too! But you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure, I’m always late to work now because he is just waking up as I go to leave…so I want to spend that extra ten minutes cuddling. I find joy in the days I come home and he hears my voice and tries to find me. I hate that I’m away from him, but me working means that he will have a far better financial household than what I did growing up, and that’s what makes it worth it for me.
Sometimes when I’m doubting myself or working a lot, I remind myself that kids usually love their dads, even the dads that work long hours – those men are no less “Daddy” than women who work a lot are “Mommy.” I think it’s much harder on parents, but if you love your kid, they will know it.
Beautiful. Thank you for posting this… I’m 10.5 weeks away from my due date, and we just secured day care… and while I know that we need two incomes to support our family of (soon to be) three, my sister has been less than supportive (of our decision to put baby in day care) and it has made me question everything. I know in my heart that daycare is what’s best for our family, and this post helped to reconfirm what I already knew. Thank you.
I needed this today. You inspire me!
Thank you Blair,
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear this morning as I am hating my job and missing my baby. You are so right. There is nothing like a child’s love for their mother.
Yes, you will always be who he loves best even when you work! I see it everyday–no matter what she is doing when I walk through the door after work she lights up. It makes it all worth it.
Fantastic.
I remember being afraid that Piper would be bored with “just us” on vacation. But she loved it. It was fantastic and relaxing and not at all the way I think every day would be as a stay at home mom, but completely freeing and peaceful and fun.
So glad you had such a great week with your son.
Loves.
I needed this right now. I go back to work next week and I’m in tears right now. Kind of sad tears but kind of happy tears too. Thanks for sharing
I love this. Thank you so much for sharing it and reassuring all of us moms who are reading this on our work computers — on BREAK of course!
And you DID protect him from yourself. you got help when you needed it because you are a GOOD MOTHER.
Don’t let anyone tell you different.
hey, what is with this teeny tiny black smiley face that pops up randomly on my window when ever I open this blog up? anyone else see that?
It’s so true.
No one compares to a baby’s MOMMY. No one.
Christina- I think it has something to do with tracking hits for the blog. I have a wordpress blog and it has the smiley also.
ahhh! thanks!
Nail on the head with this one BA. Great post darlin’. I miss you.
Ok I just read your McFatty post and i want you to know, weight up or down, you look FABULOUS. You look beautiful in that outfit…use it as your outfit to boost confidence on bad weigh in days because it makes you look so youthful and elegant!
great, now I keep coming back playing ” find the happy face” like I needed other ways to waste my day away. LOL!
damn it, now y’all have me singing “Put on a Happy Face” from Annie.
& trying to find it. I had no idea that’s what the smiley was there for, honest truth. I thought he was just my little friend that came along with the template.
Crap, you made me cry at work. Because I fight that feeling all the stupid time. But I know, KNOW, that you’re right–my son loves me the bestest, whether I spend 3 hours a day with him or 13.
and isn’t that amazing? really, truly? what a beautiful description of your week. thank you for giving us a peek into your discoveries! you two are beautiful together.
I love this post. Such a great thing to remember daily as a mother. Even when *I* don’t like me, he likes me best.
why do you always make me cry?!?!?!
oh my god dude, between you and amalah I’m effing useless until the redness & puffiness around my eyes goes away.
So true Blair. As a working momma myself, I know how it feels like you are missing out, but at the end of the day, when you see their eyes light up when they see you, you realize that no matter what your kid loves you and needs you. thanks for the sweet reminder Blair, this post made my day
I love every word of this post. I really struggled with this when I went back to work after maternity leave. And then my mother kept my little guy for three months before he started at daycare. I was so jealous of all the time she got to spend with him. My heart ached every morning when I had to leave him to head to work, and she was standing there holding my precious little boy. But I have discovered that you are exactly right. He obviously loves the time we spend together just as much as I do.
I love this. Every word. So much truth and beauty in this post. I usually do not feel guilty about being a working mom, but every now and then it does hurt not being with my daughter more. Thank you.
That was BEAUTIFUL. It hurts me every single day to have to go to a job I hate. I miss my girl so very much. I have been back to work over a year, and I still struggle bad every single Sunday night. I know I am doing it for her, but it hurts to miss so much time with her. I feel like we need a family vacation just to reconnect with eachother as the 3 of us, but we won’t be able to afford it any time soon. Can’t go with the ILs, bc they try to hog her. Maybe soon. So glad you had a wonderful vacation…
I almost waited to read this until tomorrow but I’m glad I didn’t, I really needed this today. So thanks (as I head home to my little one after an hour in traffic)!
love the post being a daycare parent myself, but
um LOVE that blouse!!! please share where you got it?!?! gorge!
beautiful post!! heartfelt, true, amazing. but even through my tears i’d admiring your shirt and i simply must know where you got it!
i want to leave you a comment but dont even know what to write. im speechless really. i hope harrison can read this someday when he is older. the pictures and your words together are…i want to say beautiful and perfect, but they are so much more than that. love love love this post! and am so glad you could experience these moments with harrison!
This post is amazing. I too don’t know what to write. Your honesty and love are so apparent. I’m so glad that you had that time with your son and that you were able to see and realize the depth of his love for you and how even in a hard stage with your work, that is a constant. I hope that brings you peace and a deep joy!
Mrs. O
Thanks Blair! I REALLY needed this post today. I have been working horrible hours and feel like I am never home with Addison. I am making myself miserable with guilt. But I know she loves me most, I just need to remember it.
I needed this post today! My work hours have been nuts and I have felt like a horrible mother because all I have done is get my daughter ready for bed. Thank you for writing this today.
My mom worked when I was a child and it instilled a good work ethic and an appreciation for hard work. It also made my mom and I’s relationship better, IMO. If you spend every waking moment with your child, you will be less likely to cherish the moments you spend with them. And honestly? How can you really be present as a mother when you are spending time with your child if you are constantly worried about money because you are not working? I think you’re doing the right thing by Harrison by working, because it is necessary for your family. Also, you’re showing him that women are strong and capable. Good job Blair!
What. a. beautiful. post.
Thanks for putting your feelings out there so eloquently. LOVED this post!
So glad you and Harrison had a such a great time!
Thanks for this. We’ve had such a crazy summer, & so much to do and so many places to be, I feel like I’ve had to choose being a good friend & a good wife over being a good mom … its nice to know our kiddos still recognize us every now & then. It rips my heart right out of my chest some days when I have to leave her, but I know that it is what is best for me, for her, for our family. Even thought it doesn’t always feel like that. Sigh.
This post came at a PERFECT time for me (as did the topic of ppdchat tonight). I go back to working a full time teaching job AND a part time community college position next week. I am terrified. I learned all these things over the summer: that Eddie prefers me. That we are the same person in so many aspects. That when he needs a cuddle? He comes to me. My ppd seemed nonexistent. but now? with the impending long hours of working and commuting ahead of me? the anxiety is creeping in first. the days I am gone prepping? I come home feeling depressed. I feel it coming back and I am afraid he will forget me. or prefer someone else.
You have given me hope. Lots of it.
sigh.
Thank you for posting this. I needed to hear it.
This was a beautiful post! It made me cry.
This post just really hit home. I went back to working full time a few months ago. Since then, I have been feeling the guilt. I don’t feel like I am here enough. But, this is the way it hast o be for now…
I know my son loves me and he loves seeing me when I walk in the door but sometimes I forget that I am his MOTHER. He loves me even though I have to work.
Beautiful post and photos! You brought back memories of when my two older kids were little ones and I was working. I’m so glad you had such a wonderful time with Harrison. You’re right, he loves you best no matter what.
Oh I needed this. As I get ready to go back to work I find myself so worried that he’ll forget our bond, that he’ll run to other instead of me, that I won’t be the center of his universe. But maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to worry so much…
Exactly. That is what motherhood is all about. Love it. Love your blog. Love looking at pictures of that cute little Harrison!
perfect post….that is right. They will always love you best! Moms come first and the time apart makes the time together even more special.
Just wanted to add that I’ve been feeling the same thing this week, despite aching every day that I drop him off at day care. It’s in the way he smiles and laughs when I visit him at lunch, and cracks up when we play in the evenings, and calms down immediately when I pick him up. It’s a powerful thing to be a Mama. And I love those times when I get to be “it” despite all the days/nights of feeling inept. Glad you had a good week.
Such a beautiful post. I struggle with the same things and get the same overwhelming feeling when I see she loves me the way your boy loves you. Pure, unconditional love.
Loved this post. And loved the pics. Mothers are wonderful.
P.s. You typed “qaulity”. But no worries we all know what you meant
Love ya Blair!
Love those pictures. When we have kids I definitely want to try to be “in the moment” instead of always behind the camera.
Lovely post. I look for signs every day that my son loves me best too. I am sure he does, but I always look for that obvious favoritism in his eyes. It is so hard not being home everyday & it is supposed to get easier but I don’t want it to. I am trying to find a way to “make it work” with more time at home. If I come up with a plan, I will let you know. I am glad you are able to embrace all that motherhood offers. Good work, Momma.
This was beautifully written and the pictures of you and your son are gorgeous!
Thank you so much for posting this. I too work a long 40 hour work week and depise not being able to see my child. He loves his grandma(his daycare) so much sometimes i wonder if he really needs me. But you are right, and its the small things that make our time together so special. Im glad to know im not alone in this feeling of deprivement from our kids!
What every other commenter said, x100. The best thing you’ve ever written, I sosososo needed this today, thank you, you’re awesome. And the photos are gorg.
Thanks for the reminder that, no matter what, Joshua loves me best. Glad you had a great week with Harrison.
I’m sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes. Being a working mother is so hard but I cherish each and every second I get with him in the morning before I go to work and for the hour when I get home before bed. We are inseparable on the weekends. Its comforting to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Thanks for sharing this post. I needed a good cry this morning. Off to hug my girls!
Okay, I’ve been reading your blog for a few months, but I’ve never commented. I LOOOOVE this post! My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but when we do, I will have to continue to work outside the home. The thought of leaving my kids for “someone else to raise” while I go to work kills me. In fact, it has made me wonder just how badly I want to be a parent in the first place. This post made me realize that I CERTAINLY want kids, and it will be okay that I’ll have to leave them during the day to go to my job. Nobody else can ever be your kids’ MOMMY! Thank you so much for bringing things into perspective!
Absolutely priceless. Even though Harrison won’t remember these moments, you will. Your photos are beautiful (love the shirt!).
Thank you for this post!! As a working mom (and fellow ADPi sister!), this really hit home with me. As my mom always says – you are the center your child’s universe and nothing will ever replace their Mommy! Violets to you for the beautiful expression of what many of us also feel.
To echo many other posts, I loved this and totally needed it this week – hell, every week! And if any haters are reading this post and these comments, please just leave this one post alone. So many of us working moms need it to know we’re not alone.
When I introduced my son to his great-gram she commented about how wonderful it was that he really knew and recognized that we were his parents, especially you know, since he goes to daycare.
You get comments like these, especially when it’s from people that love you, and it makes you doubt the decisions you have made. Just because he goes to daycare and I don’t get to spend as much time as I would like with him doesn’t change the fact that I’m his mother and he loves me best! Thank you Blair and everyone else for reminding me!
Thank you, I needed this today (well ok every day) – It’s such a struggle and now I’m really looking forward to my vacation in September to spend these long hours with my son too!
Thank you – from the bottom of my heart.
This is awesome!!! I’m a working mom with a lot of outside interests. I love my daughter so much and often get that feeling that i’m not there enough. As I was reading this I thought about last ngiht when she got her milk, her pappy (paci), and came to me at the computer and said “Mommy, I rock.” So I stopped what I was doing, grabbed my daughter and we went to rock. Even better was that daddy was in the rocking chair so we couldn’t rock, but we sat in our chair just cuddling. It wasn’t the rocking she wanted, it was me, in that last hour of her day. It was great!
LOVE this post. I too work outside the home and have that niggling worry that she will forget me, or grow apart from me, or prefer someone else to me… but I love those moments that remind us that we are MOM and nothing can ever, ever trump that. That they love us as much as we love them. It is a beautiful thing. Oh and I LOVE your shirt! Awesome pics. And thanks for the great posts about your life lately
I cried reading this post. This is exactly how I feel most of the time and I beat myself up almost daily because I have to work and can’t be his primary care taker. I forget that I his mommy and no one else holds a candle to that, as far as he is concerned, but often times it doesn’t feel like that. I race for the door at the end of my day and don’t want to put him to bed at 8 pm because I just want to hear him laugh one more time or I just want to hold him just a few minutes longer before I lay him down to sleep in his crib. Feeling him cuddle up to me, head on my chest, while i read him a story, makes my heart fill with joy to the point it hurts and watching him sleep it the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It took me forever to get to this point, as I too dealt with severe PPA/PPD, and now I just can’t get enough of him and the feelings that being a mommy brings. Thank you so much for posting this. I love it!
Your vacation looks amazing. I am so super ridiculously jealous.
Good for you!
Reading this made me cry…and I’m still crying. As a working mother (not by choice!), I hate missing out on moments with my son and am constantly worrying that my son won’t love me as much because I’m not always there. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone and that my son loves me BEST.
That is the best feeling ever, so glad you got to experience and realize that no matter what, no one will replace you as his mother no matter how much time you’re able to spend with him.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. I go back to work next week after an 8 week maternity leave and I just really needed to hear this. Thank you.
Oh I love this. I really, really, really love this. Especially after this long and terrible day I have had. You’re so right. My son loves me best, no matter what.
Thanks, BA.
I really needed this post. I feel such guilt about leaving my daughter every week, even if she is only in daycare two days. She went through a stage where she would cry for the daycare lady when I went to pick her up and didn’t want me-broke my heart. I sometimes need to be reminded that she does love me. It is hard to realize when she doesn’t speak and I feel like everything I do is taken for granted.