I loved the beach.  I loved the ocean & the sunshine & the sand.  I loved watching movies with my older brother & laughing at the same lines.  I loved making pancakes with The Momma.  I loved reading on the porch swing, curling up in bed for a nap with Nate, & that fabulous drowsy feeling you get after being in the sun all day.

But I loved Harrison best.

Out of everything good on vacation, he was the highlight.

I don’t get to spend a ton of time with my kid.  We’ll just put that right out there on the table.  Some people will wrinkle their nose at me, tell  me someone else is raising my child, & not understand the torture that I feel every day that I drop my child off & head to work.  It’s not enough, but we’re making it work for us because it has to.  & I’m focusing on qaulity over quanitity & simply being PRESENT with my son when we’re together.  Not missing the moments that I can catch & being a parent, rather than a journalist.

The week before vacation, I felt completely isolated from Harrison.  I was away for a long weekend with Blogher, we had packed weekends before that, & I have been working long hours.  He began going to bed earlier & earlier as he became more active during the day, meaning my hour & a half with him at night was cut back.  I missed my son so badly that I ached every single day, watching the clock tick to 5pm.  I began (again!) questioning every decision that Nate & I ever made.

At 5pm on Friday, I raced out the door to my son, ready to begin a week with him.  Sure, I was excited about the sunshine & good dinners to come.  But I was most excited to simply be a mother on vacation.

Every morning, we woke up early while the rest of the house slept.  We went for walks on the beach as the sun came up.  We wrestled on the couch before breakfast.  I cooked him egg yolks, pancakes, & played patty cake.  (I tried to teach him to clap, but no dice).  We stood on the porch & waved “bye-bye” to the cars for 30 minutes every night.  We swang as the sun faded, with his head on my shoulder.  He was so peaceful to simply be with me, & I soaked it up.

I quickly immersed myself into his routine, making sure that Nate & I were his sole caretakers.  I knew my family was there to help, but I wanted to be it for Harrison.  & I learned that he likes chicken in homemade red sauce.  I learned that I like BumGenius diapers the best for daytime.  That he loves to be flipped upside down because he knows no fear.  I learned that he refuses to hold his own bottle, even though he can walk.   That he is brave & conquering & everything a boy should be at this age.  I re-learned everything I was afraid that I was missing.

& I realized that no matter how much I work, how often I am away…

I am his mother.  & he loves me best.

It is something I did not know before.  I heard it, but I didn’t comprehend it.  How could he want me most when my sister is the one kissing his knees when he falls?  How could he prefer me as his protector when The Momma is the one feeding him breakfast each morning?

But he does.

I saw it in the way his eyes lit up as he chose to toddle to me, rather than my brother.  I saw it this past week, every time he gripped himself to me as a wave came crashing in.  His love for me was in those stolen moments of peace on the swing, & the giggles erupting as we played peek-a-boo.  It was there as he stuffed his cheeks full of pancake & said, “MMMMMM.”

He needed me!  He liked me!  & HE EVEN LIKED MY COOKING.

He loves me in spite of my long working hours.  In spite of the commute straight from the pits of hell.  He needs my protection in spite of the months when I couldn’t even protect him from myself.

He loves me in spite of myself.  Because I’m his mother.

& it’s the most pure, innocent love.

Mothers, take heart.  Especially you that work long hours outside of the home, or those that are in the depths of postpartum depression.  No matter where you go, what you do, or how you do it….your child loves you best.