On Friday night, I met the Bloggess at her pink typewriter as she wrote out witty sayings, observations, & predictions for the bloggers lined up in front of her. I was her last. & she wrote:
I have nothing left.
After four hours of typing, observing, & fawning fans, she had nothing left. & I understood.
(to be clear, not the adoring fans part)When I left for New York, I felt like I had nothing left. I was drained from the blogging world, lost in some ways, jaded by public reactions & searching for that passion that got me started only a mere two years ago. Was I done? Was I burned out so quickly? Had I thrown too much into it too soon? There were days that I wanted to shut down my email, step away from the computer, & lock “Blair” in a coffin to never be resurrected. There weren’t many days like that, but even the presence of one day was enough to make question my purpose.
On Friday morning, I stepped into my first breakout session – creative writing. The room was packed, the panelists sat at the front with microphones. I sat down nervously, pulled out my laptop, & prepared to take notes. Obviously, the habits made during seventeen years of formal education die hard. In the beginning of the session, I sat ram-rod straight in the chair, furiously taking notes & desperately searching for an internet connection so I could Tweet my newly acquired knowledge. But as the panelists began to speak, I relaxed. I put away the laptop. I wasn’t there to simply learn – I was there to absorb. & I couldn’t absorb with my head both simultaneously stuck up my ass & my Twitter feed.
So I logged off. & I listened.
I learned to focus on the positive – the positive sides of myself that make me relatable. Celebrating those aspects, pouring them into my writing. About knocking down self-doubt, as it is the biggest fail whale of writing. You cannot write if you doubt. You cannot tell stories without details. Paint the pictures, bring your life to page, stay focused. & make writing a priority. Make yourself sit down, even for 15 minutes & simply write.
Get back to the basics.
The next forty-eight hours, I deliberately chose the sessions I attended. I shied away from monotizing, statistics, & business. I attended writing workshops, photography labs, & a fitness group. I marked podcasts I wanted to watch – food blogging, humor writing, wordpress customization.
& I walked away inspired. Knowing that I’m not done.
& as damaged as I have been in motherhood…I know I have more to give. I have had so many moments of not feeling worthy enough, strong enough, brave enough. So many nights of tears & numb pain & simply wanting it to all end in one horrible swoop, but somehow being graced with a purpose greater than my own life. Even in the darkest moments of feeling that I had nothing left to offer, a small part of me kept fighting, keeps fighting for myself & Nate & Harrison.
& says that I have something left.
Awesome post.
You have been through so much on your motherhood journey. Something a friend told me once is that motherhood is like a marathon, or even an ultramarathon. In the end, it’s the total body of work that counts the most, not the momentary hard spots. I am tired and maybe not making much sense, but I just wanted to say that I love the positive feeling of this post and am looking forward to seeing “what you have left.”
Yay for having something left! I know you & I know you do!
Love. That is all.
Amazing post, BA. I honestly feel this in myself as well. I’m not in the same blogging hemisphere as you right now, but I feel like I really HAVE something left. I have something to say. Something to do. And I’m not backing down. I’m actually just getting started.
And now you’ve gone and talked about the amazing sessions you attended and I’m pathetically aching that I couldn’t be there. But me and my blog were too immature for BlogHer this year. I’m planning on going next year and can’t WAIT to come back with the same inspiration and feeling of empowerment that it seems to have given every lady blogger out there.
Thanks for posting. =)
I am glad you have something left
I love this. It is such a great reminder because we don’t just stay where we are. We continue getting and learning and hopefully giving. I am inspired by givers and hopefully can inspire others. Pay it forward and all that. I was SO glad to know the sessions were podcasted. I have a growing list of lessons to absorb.
YOU just inspired ME! Thanks for that!
I just recently found you, but I can tell we would probably be friends.
Nice diggs ya got going on!
xxoo
I came to BlogHer feeling pretty empty as well. I had been turned off by all the random drama floating around. I was feeling uninspired. I had many MANY draft posts waiting to be turned into stories, but I just couldn’t.
Last weekend revived me. For the reasons you speak of. The sessions I attended, the people I met, the energy I absorbed.
I don’t know your story because I only just met you, but I have a feeling there will be lots in common. I look forward to reading back to really get to know you
I am so glad you were re-filled. So, so glad.
You know something? You can tell you are refreshed in your last few posts, comments & tweets. There is something very serene about the place you are in your life right now. It seems like a good, happy place and a very subtle & perfect way it is shining through in your blog posts.
You are in a good place, I don’t need you to tell us that, I can just tell.
Don’t stop fighting BA, you deserve it.
I’m glad you keep on fighting! That’s life-the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. Precious moments we would not recognize if we didn’t have the bad, just to realize how good life can be.
So good to hear that you had a great experience at BlogHer-thank you for wonderful posts like this one!
Lisa took my comment. So yeah, I’m glad you have something left.
BlogHer did ya good, BA!! Outstanding post!
This helped. Thank you.
I feel like I am constantly fighting off doubts about writing/blogging. Great advice and thank you for fighting through it all and still having much much more left!
You just made me cry…but in such a good way.
Thank you, my friend.
Awesome help– thanks!
I have no idea where this “blogging thing” will take me (I’m very new!) but I’m enjoying it so much! I think for me it’s an outlet for everything swirling around in my head and for everything I’m dealing with in my life. I only hope that people will join me my journey that need to hear what I have to say or find some kind of inspiration or hope from it. I need this and I hope that as a byproduct someone else is brought along in a positive way on their journey.
Thanks for blogging and thanks for not giving up when it was hard or you felt you had nothing left to give!
Mrs. O
::::::::: throwing a cup of water at blair as she runs by::::::::
I know you’re not done. You have to be like Madonna in this game, keep reinventing yourself while staying true to what got you here in the first place.
I’ll still read your blog when you’re a botox’ed old whore , gyrating to like a virgin…
Metaphorically speaking
Oh Blair, I do love your writing and I’m excited to see more from you… but honestly I’m so sick of all the writing about blogging… (you and everyone else!!) When did all my favorite bloggers stop writing about their children, husbands, lives, pregnancies, and start blogging so damn much about…. blogging? Don’t forget you have lots of readers who are just readers, not fellow bloggers. The blogosphere is a weird, interesting little world but I’d guess that the majority of your readers are not in it, rather they are looking in from outside. Those are the people that want to know about you and not this business you have created around yourself.
I want to hear about your life outside of blogging. That’s what makes you relatable – to me. The blog is just a conveyance… even though it is a huge part of your life “behind the scenes,” the ins and outs of the blog itself is not what makes me want to come back for more.
I think it’s awesome you are feeling more positive and more inspired, though, and I look forward to whatever is to come…. I will click on your link in my favorites faithfully every morning like I always have, to see what you will say next.
I want more – more Blair, not more “blog crap.” In fact, I wouldn’t be sad if that whole category and all the posts in it mysteriously disappeared from your blog.
I realize I am only one of many and I only speak for myself. But that’s me and I’d venture a guess that I’m not alone. YOU are interesting to me, the ins and outs of your blog, are not. The fact that that has now become a big part of your life… I understand… I guess it’s a catch 22. sigh
There is something so revitalizing about attending workshops and presentations for subjects that you are passionate about. Even if it’s information you’ve heard before. It refreshes a person’s sense and I can feel you expressing a breath of fresh air in this post! I’m so glad you enjoyed your workshops at Blogher! I think you have something left! Lots and lots, in fact!
You are amazing. Yes, you have tons left and I’m glad that you made BlogHer about you, and not just building the blog. I can’t wait to see more Blair’s Bites and continue following you on your journey as a Bad Ass Mama, because you totally are.
oh, and ditto rebecca 100%
I’ll give you a free pass though, it’s only been less than a week since that bloghell crap you went to.
Monday there better be a mother fuckin mcfatty post and by wednesday some shit about harrison and how he’s walking, or saying tuck or something.. enough blogging about blogging.
<3 Christina…. you said it much more concisely
more harrison SHIT!!!
Writing can cause such a huge burnout. I write for work everyday and so when I blog (though I am totally a newbie!) it is relaxing and almost cathartic.
Keep up the good writing and keep having fun!
You are amazing. But you already know I think that. I am so glad that you had a wonderful time and that you left renewed. And I’m ready for an updated picture of Claire’s future husband! j/k
I am thankful for you. Because you kept blogging about weight-loss even when it did not go as well as you hoped. It inspired me to try again and to start writing about it again, which I did today.
I have to agree with Rebecca also. As a fellow blogger who blogs just for the memories, I can understand a little about why you blog about blogging. But in the end, I think everyone comes here to read about your journey through motherhood the most. I know I do. That’s why I love reading other mommy blogs- to compare and to learn about their experiences. I do understand though, as Christina said, that you just went to Blogher.
I want you to know you inspire many yourself. Thank you!
I have always loved your writing (and told you so) and you are amazing at what you do, I hope you never find a reason to stop because you are so relatable and fun!
That last paragraph kills me. I totally, TOTALLY know what you mean. It was so wonderful to meet you.
And to those of you above who think she shouldn’t blog about blogging I disagree. Blogs are our medium – not talking about the process or the production is like a dancer not talking about dancing. No I’m sure you don’t want to read blogs about the technical side of things but I sure as hell hope that Blair blogs for HERSELF as much, if not (hopefully) more than than she does for you!
I get what you’re saying Emily, but I’d be pretty pissed if I went to the ballet and the dancers all sat on stage describing to me the challenges and importance of a properly delivered grand jete’, I’d not only demand my money back, but again, I’d be pissed! LOL!
They can talk about that shit all they want backstage, but what I want is the show, not the technical production chat!
Rock on.
You’re obviously a strong character. Way to go girl!
I threw up a “blog” to simply record things & pics for family as we were expecting our baby boy. All of about 5 family members visit the site, but I still somehow managed to attract a “hater” who sent a really rude comment about what a bitch I am for thinking anyone cares to read about my every day life. Ummm….thanks.
Anyway… I applaud you for sharing and filtering through what must be tons of hate mail. Unfortunately it seems lots of people get off on anonymously lashing out.
Do your thang. You are appreciated.
I’m glad you have something left. I would miss your writing if you didn’t. You have such a talent, and I’m glad you are using it. I wish I had your gift. Hope to see you again soon!
Blair,
I love your blog because I love YOU. I love your posts the most when its YOU writing and not writing because its something you have to do. When I click your blog (which by the way, your blog is the only one I click on outside of google reader) I am so excited to see about what you have to say. Keep blogging for you and your readers will continue to read it and love you.
I loved this post, just loved it. xo