On Friday night, I met the Bloggess at her pink typewriter as she wrote out witty sayings, observations, & predictions for the bloggers lined up in front of her.  I was her last.  & she wrote:

I have nothing left.

After four hours of typing, observing, & fawning fans, she had nothing left.  & I understood.

When I left for New York, I felt like I had nothing left.  I was drained from the blogging world, lost in some ways, jaded by public reactions & searching for that passion that got me started only a mere two years ago.  Was I done?  Was I burned out so quickly?  Had I thrown too much into it too soon?  There were days that I wanted to shut down my email, step away from the computer, & lock “Blair” in a coffin to never be resurrected.  There weren’t many days like that, but even the presence of one day was enough to make question my purpose.

On Friday morning, I stepped into my first breakout session – creative writing.  The room was packed, the panelists sat at the front with microphones.  I sat down nervously, pulled out my laptop, & prepared to take notes.  Obviously, the habits made during seventeen years of formal education die hard.  In the beginning of the session, I sat ram-rod straight in the chair, furiously taking notes & desperately searching for an internet connection so I could Tweet my newly acquired knowledge.  But as the panelists began to speak, I relaxed.  I put away the laptop.  I wasn’t there to simply learn – I was there to absorb.  & I couldn’t absorb with my head both simultaneously stuck up my ass & my Twitter feed.

So I logged off.  & I listened.

I learned to focus on the positive – the positive sides of myself that make me relatable.  Celebrating those aspects, pouring them into my writing.  About knocking down self-doubt, as it is the biggest fail whale of writing.  You cannot write if you doubt.  You cannot tell stories without details.  Paint the pictures, bring your life to page, stay focused.  & make writing a priority.  Make yourself sit down, even for 15 minutes & simply write.

Get back to the basics.

The next forty-eight hours, I deliberately chose the sessions I attended.  I shied away from monotizing, statistics, & business.  I attended writing workshops, photography labs, & a fitness group.  I marked podcasts I wanted to watch – food blogging, humor writing, wordpress customization.

& I walked away inspired.  Knowing that I’m not done.

& as damaged as I have been in motherhood…I know I have more to give.  I have had so many moments of not feeling worthy enough, strong enough, brave enough.  So many nights of tears & numb pain & simply wanting it to all end in one horrible swoop, but somehow being graced with a purpose greater than my own life.  Even in the darkest moments of feeling that I had nothing left to offer, a small part of me kept fighting, keeps fighting for myself & Nate & Harrison.

& says that I have something left.