After a week like last week (down four pounds!) I’m a little miffed to see the scale not moving this week, even though it could be expected.  & I realized - I need a new goal.  A specific, hard-number goal.

It was so easy to drop the baby weight & then the Harpie weight.  They both felt like baggage that I had to lose to move forward in life.  I was miserable with the baby weight, miserable still carrying around a bit of my first pregnancy – daily reminders of what happened to my body throughout a course of a year.  So I took them off.  Simple as that.  No frills, no empty promises, no fluffy reasons.  I was miserable, the pounds were adding to that, so I took them off.

I’m a very cut-&-dry person, if you haven’t been reading this blog & paying attention for, I don’t know, 2 seconds.

& then I got stuck.  I gained weight in the hospital & have had a terrible time re-shedding these last 7 lbs to be back at my pre-hospital weight.  At first, I chalked it to medication (which, in part, is true – I’m on meds that increase my appetite & slow my metabolism).  Then I chalked it up to being lazy (but then I started exercising again).  I tried motivating myself with McFatty Monday (come on, Blair…everyone’s going to see you being a fatty again!).  Motivating myself with competition (she’s skinnier than you! & her baby is younger than yours!).  Motivating myself with events (Blogher is coming up & I MUST MUST MUST lose some pounds!).  & I think I’ve realized that my problem was not motivation or laziness but LACK OF AN END.

I told Nate repeatedly that I was frustrated because I felt like I was ALWAYS losing weight.  At first, I said 180 lbs as my end weight, then backed it up to 170 lbs.  & then I felt miserable.  My little “goals” of wedding weight, weight for kicks, etc. didn’t matter anymore.  Like damn…I’ve lost 30 lbs and I STILL have 30 left to go?!  Daunting.

& so, friends, I’ve decided to make an obtainable goal that has an end.

I’m going to lose another 20 lbs.  & that’s it for now.  I’ll be doing this with Nutrisystem because I’ve proven that it works.  I took off 35 pounds easy-peasy.  I can do 20 with them.

Basically, I’m committing to losing Harrison.  To hitting that even 180 lbs again.  & I won’t think of any numbers past that.  Because when I do, I start feeling overwhelmed by the entire process & intimidated by the idea of success.

When really, I just need to shed the kid.

Why is it that weight loss is such a journey?  (& why does it always feel like such a whiney one?)  I wish I could wave a magic wand that made every week be fantastic, that made medications not alter appetite, that made it easy to admit that I just couldn’t hack it when it came to losing another round of big numbers.  Is it because I’m afraid of success?  Am I afraid to be deserving of good things, to want good things for myself, & to make them happen?  In weight loss, but maybe even in life?

Is your weight loss journey teaching you anything about yourself?

required disclaimer: i am being supplied with nutrisystem food by nutrisystem, free of cost to me.  sweet, right?  but i assure you, i began nutrisystem on my own in january, spent my own money for 4 months, & fully endorse the program.  i’m just thankful that they’ll be helping me out on my last leg of the journey!  to join me on the Nutrisystem program and to receive a special offer, call 1-877-704-0597 or click here.