Or, if you want to be specific, Texts from Wednesday Night.
On Wednesday night, Nate & I headed out to see Dave Matthews Band in concert. This, my friends, was an act of love on my part. I like Dave…I really do. But I don’t love Dave & I’ve put in four out of the past six years sweating in the ampitheatre to listen to music that I only just like while trying to get over the sticker shock of $13 beers. But Nate loves Dave Matthews, & considering that I went crazy & he didn’t leave me, I figured that sitting through 3 hours of blaring loud music was the very least I could do.
Even though it was 100+ degrees outside. & then it rained on us. & we were in front of menopausal women taking the night to “let loose” with a bunch of drunk squealing, whooping, & “TAKE IT OFF, BABY!” oh, & trying to track down their daughters on the lawn. Note: If your daughter is there cutting loose & having a good time, that means STAY HOME. No doubt she changed her attire once she got there so she would be incognito when her mom decided to play drunken Where’s Waldo? for her blonde in a blue shirt offspring.
While I tried desperately to ignore them during the opening act & the $13 beer soaking down my back, I was deep in text mode:
Blair: I just got a beer dumped down my back. oh, & it rained on us. Also, I cannot convey the sheer number of douchebags walking around without shirts. FML.
It’s true. The moment the heat index hit 101 F, the popped-collar polo shirts came off. Everywhere you looked, college boys with over-jelled hair were walking around shirtless. You’d think this would be the cause of barely-un-jailbait panty-quiverring on my part but in reality, I was just waiting for someone to holler out GTL & start fist-pumping. Even though we were hundreds of miles away from the Jersey Shore.
Blair: AND the official DMB Concert Uniform for 2010 is a sundress, gladiator sandals, & Bumpit ponytail. except the chick in front of me with the fanny pack.
Did I miss the memo on Bumpits becoming cool & not just a running joke over cheesy infomercials marketed to beauty queens?! At least these girls had sense to skip the cowboy boots with sundress as a nod to 2009. Although I must say, gladiator sandals look wicked uncomfortable. & y’all, I swear – the woman in front of me was rocking the greatest fanny pack ever created. You know those really wide fashionable belts to wear around your waist? Homegirl had one. With a wee fanny pack attached to the clasp. Why, oh why, did I not get a picture?!
But ever-the-friend, Mrs. Lusher reminded me that while my night was stocked with Bumpits & rippling co-ed muscles, hers took the win on creepy:
Lushers: There’s a creeper van outside our house & someone with a flashlight in the house next door.
Blair: ewww, weird. lock your door & don’t take candy if they offer it.
Lushers: They said they’re changing locks, since it’s officially foreclosed. They could stand to have a less creepy vehicle. I’m just sayin’
Blair: & this late at night? Screams serial killer, much like my handwriting
Lushers: We’ll deadbolt all the doors. Call the police if I’m not at work in the AM
Blair: Sleep with a crowbar!
I always give the best advice.
I’m also considerate of my friends, which is why I have entered our next text-friend into witness protection.
Blair: I swear, my ass fat is sweating.
Name Withheld: ZOMB. I really have sweat problems. Like, my butt gets hot when I’m just sitting. & it sweats. True story.
Blair: Me too!! & my thighs. I need some Gold Bond or my chub rub.
side note: chub rub is not a sexual act. it is when the insides of your thighs chafe each other because they touch, which is unacceptable.
Name Withheld: ME TOOOOOOOOO!! sometimes I literally dump baby powder. When I’m dying, [my husband] pokes fun. Jerk
Blair: Nate thinks it is hilarious but I am all MY THUNDER THIGHS ARE BLISTERING.
I currently have Gold Bond on my thighs to aide their healing from Wednesday night’s marathon of sweaty skin chafing. Yum.
Blair: I wish I could send you video of the guy dancing in front of me. It’s like watching a sick worm drown.
Kacia: Ahhh! I adore awkward dancers at concerts!!! ADORE!!!! we need to get you a flip!
Blair: He’s trying to dry-hump fanny pack girl!
Oh, the awkward worm dancer. & fanny pack girl. A match made in heaven! I can just see their DMB bump-n-grind turning into a plethora of fanny-pack wearing, hand-waving, gyrating nerds running around future Dave concerts.
Maybe Harrison will be privy to that experience a few years from now.
It's not polite to talk about my friends like that, I mean fanny packs allow you to be hands free AND carry all of the unnecessary stuff you need an outdoor concert. Like chapstick, not to be mistaken for lip gloss, a hairbrush and extra bump-its. Der!
That was an AWESOME post!
I am a die-hard DMB fan, so I understand how the concerts go. I waddled my butt to one last year when I was 32 weeks pregnant!
To clarify–I’m not one of those “sundress, bump-it” types, but I still heart Dave. Yeah, we’re on a first-name basis, so what?
We all had to wear Bumpits for the wedding that I was in this past weekend. It was unusual, but not as bad as I anticipated. I think Bumpits CAN look okay, but most of the time don’t. Like gladiator sandals.
Yogurt just shot from my nose. For real.
Oh god, I have so much to say about this, starting with a) my son got me a bumpit for my birthday. The commercials convinced him I needed one. Thus, my husband kept it secret and went with him to get them. I have yet to wear them – but it may make for a great post. b) I tweeted about effing COACH selling fanny packs this summer. COACH. Where has the world of high fashion gone?! c) My chub rub – it’s hot. I have convinced my husband it’s “normal.” He thinks even skinny bitches get it.
I have been known to use Body Glide or Sport Shield to protect my thighs from chub rub, and I don’t just mean while I am actually running.
I am not a fan of gladiator sandals or DMB.
This is why I refuse to go to anymore DMB concerts with the hubs, I drew my limit at concert #4 two summers ago, 8 weeks pregnant when the guy next to me started smoking pot.
Oh man I loved the crap out of this post. I’ve never ventured anywhere near a DMB concert…but I now imagine it to be filled with matthew mcconaughey.
So, my good friend recommended a chub rub solution. BODY GLIDE…what the runners use to prevent under-arm chafing (I wouldn’t know, as I do not run. Ever. Unless being chased. And I just accidentally typed “chafed” and then had to backspace.) But I’m cheap so I just have one stick of deodorant reserved for the thigh region.
This.is.why.I.heart.Blair.
Oh My Goodness, I am in the same boat you are. My husband LOOOVES DMB and while I like them too I don’t know if I would want to sit in the 101 degree weather either. I think next time you need to bring a video camera. It sounds like some of the things you witnessed might have been great YouTube material.
I went to a DMB concert when I was 12. Two college kids offered me weed and my godbrother almost beat the absolute shit out of them…what is it with DMB concerts and douche bags.
By the way, you had me at popped collar…one of the most UNATTRACTIVE things a guy can do in my opinion. It SCREAMS tool to me. Do people say that word anymore?? tool?? oh well…i’m bringing it back if not…
I loved this post….mostly becuase people watching at concerts is PRICELESS…..also, can we talk about the picture??? Is that Nate???? Did he shave? It doesn’t even look like him….I had no idea!?!?!?
Best chub rub solution EVER – Soothing Care Chafing Relief Powder-Gel. Try it & you will love it forever. Works wonders on thunder thighs & LO’s diaper rash. And seriously, I’m convinced Bump-It’s are part of the ridiculous conspiracy to bring back the 80′s.
Thighs? Mine don’t rub together. I think maybe I should be thankful…cuz it sounds paintful!!!! I love DMB, too but avoid his concerts at ALL COSTS due to the stupid ass frat boys in pink polos with popped collars. Really, boys do you have to pile that much cologne on? YOU’RE AT AN OUTDOOR CONCERT FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.
ugh. so SO annoying.
For the chafing – Body Glide (it’s what marathoners use to prevent their nipples from rubbing raw and ending the race with a red “11″ on their front), diaper ointment, or even just a good rub with a baby wipe (soothing and leaves just a bit of film behind to prevent further problems.)
You needed to preface this post with a warning such as “reading this post will result in diet Coke being shot out of reader’s nose and on to computer screen/keyboard.”
i felt that we were the same person when I read the beginning of your post. my husband LOVES dmb. and me… eh. i have been to 2 concerts w\ him (we had to sell last year’s tickets because we moved) and we have a concert in September on this same tour.
the concerts usually consist of me complaining about the douchebag(s) who brought the weed, why every guy is dressed like a frat boy, and middle aged women who shop @ forever21. it’s entertainment if anything.
also, i don’t know if you read gwyneth paltrow’s “goop” newsletters, but this week she wrote on ppd, and i thought it was touching.
i find your spelling of unacceptable hilarious.
Blair: “unexceptable”
Me: haaaaaaa.
and yeah- i went to a Jack Johnson (whom i love) concert 2 weeks ago. it was hot, beers were spilled & the girls behind us smoked about 2lbs of reefer.
…oh, and 45 year old nancy & charles in front of us dry humped the night away. and made out & stuff- not hot. so awkward.
aww, shit. I really am the world’s worst speller.
LOVE IT! Your blog is my go-to. You remind me of myself in some ways – in particular with your openness regarding PPD. I admire you. Truly.
Only worry of mine was that you put Kacia’s name in the last quote – just a heads up!
more power to you. I can’t fucking stand DMB or the fucking annoying pretentious DMB fanbase ( not meaning nate)
@Lisa . . . I nearly sprayed my beer on the computer screen at “red 11″ . DYING!!
ummm, this totally made my day, I laughed hard! THANKS!
Awesome post!
I keep coming back to this…. + laughing.
Ditto to the Body Glide. I use it during marathons and triathlons to combat the chub rub. And it’s a godsend for the end of pregnancy when boobs/belly/lap are all one sweaty entity.
Am I the only one who sees “Bumpits” and reads, “Bum-pits”? It makes me think of smelly sweat, every time. Needless to say, I will never buy one.
teehee..love this!!!
btw..i gave you a blog award..i looooooove your blog!
http://www.grooveygrover.blogspot.com/
Vanessa
nice. Now I have visions of teenagers dancing through my head, in anticipation of school starting back up again. This is the trauma of being a high school teacher… i can no longer go to DMB concerts in fear of my beer-drinking night being ruined by either my students or people who remind me of my students. Popped collars, bumpits, sundress-wearing gladiator sandal schlepping nerds and all.
I like Nate even more now. Been going to shows for over ten years. Lucky for you they’re not touring next year. So sad for the die hard fans.
@Margaret – YES! I didn’t know what a bumpit was, and I couldn’t understand why anything to do with a pony tail would be described as Bum Pit. Ew. Just ew.
I’ve seen DMB like five times and I’m not quite sure why. A song on the radio? great. 5 hour jam session of one damn song? uncool.
and let me tell you, 100 degrees and at a metallica concert one summer. we could trade some STORIES, my friend.
Oh, and the chub rub? mine gets so bad when I wear skirts in the summer, it actually gets all rashy.
I hate my damn fat thighs.
You know those laughs where you do everything you can to stop laughing, but it makes you laugh (and cry) even harder? I’m so belly gut laughing right now! Oh, and there’s a tear. Right when I think I have it under control I think of your last txt message above and it starts all over again! Oh, I’m dyin’!
My first visit here from Amy @ Somebody’s Parents from her post about you!
~Mimi