Or, if you want to be specific, Texts from Wednesday Night.

On Wednesday night, Nate & I headed out to see Dave Matthews Band in concert.  This, my friends, was an act of love on my part.  I like Dave…I really do.  But I don’t love Dave & I’ve put in four out of the past six years sweating in the ampitheatre to listen to music that I only just like while trying to get over the sticker shock of $13 beers.   But Nate loves Dave Matthews, & considering that I went crazy & he didn’t leave me, I figured that sitting through 3 hours of blaring loud music was the very least I could do.

Even though it was 100+ degrees outside.  & then it rained on us.  & we were in front of menopausal women taking the night to “let loose” with a bunch of drunk squealing, whooping, & “TAKE IT OFF, BABY!”  oh, & trying to track down their daughters on the lawn.  Note:  If  your daughter is there cutting loose & having a good time, that means STAY HOME.  No doubt she changed her attire once she got there so she would be incognito when her mom decided to play drunken Where’s Waldo? for her blonde in a blue shirt offspring.

While I tried desperately to ignore them during the opening act & the $13 beer soaking down my back, I was deep in text mode:

Blair: I just got a beer dumped down my back.  oh, & it rained on us.  Also, I cannot convey the sheer number of douchebags walking around without shirts.  FML.

It’s true.  The moment the heat index hit 101 F, the popped-collar polo shirts came off.  Everywhere you looked, college boys with over-jelled hair were walking around shirtless.  You’d think this would be the cause of barely-un-jailbait panty-quiverring on my part but in reality, I was just waiting for someone to holler out GTL & start fist-pumping.  Even though we were hundreds of miles away from the Jersey Shore.

Blair: AND the official DMB Concert Uniform for 2010 is a sundress, gladiator sandals, & Bumpit ponytail.  except the chick in front of me with the fanny pack.

Did I miss the memo on Bumpits becoming cool & not just a running joke over cheesy infomercials marketed to beauty queens?!  At least these girls had sense to skip the cowboy boots with sundress as a nod to 2009.  Although I must say, gladiator sandals look wicked uncomfortable.  & y’all, I swear – the woman in front of me was rocking the greatest fanny pack ever created.  You know those really wide fashionable belts to wear around your waist?  Homegirl had one.  With a wee fanny pack attached to the clasp. Why, oh why, did I not get a picture?!

But ever-the-friend, Mrs. Lusher reminded me that while my night was stocked with Bumpits & rippling co-ed muscles, hers took the win on creepy:

Lushers: There’s a creeper van outside our house & someone with a flashlight in the house next door.

Blair: ewww, weird.  lock your door & don’t take candy if they offer it.

Lushers: They said they’re changing locks, since it’s officially foreclosed.  They could stand to have a less creepy vehicle.  I’m just sayin’

Blair: & this late at night?  Screams serial killer, much like my handwriting

Lushers: We’ll deadbolt all the doors.  Call the police if I’m not at work in the AM

Blair: Sleep with a crowbar!

I always give the best advice.

I’m also considerate of my friends, which is why I have entered our next text-friend into witness protection.

Blair: I swear, my ass fat is sweating.

Name Withheld: ZOMB.  I really have sweat problems.  Like, my butt gets hot when I’m just sitting.  & it sweats.  True story.

Blair: Me too!!  & my thighs.  I need some Gold Bond or my chub rub.

side note:  chub rub is not a sexual act.  it is when the insides of your thighs chafe each other because they touch, which is unacceptable.

Name Withheld: ME TOOOOOOOOO!!  sometimes I literally dump baby powder. When I’m dying, [my husband] pokes fun. Jerk

Blair: Nate thinks it is hilarious but I am all MY THUNDER THIGHS ARE BLISTERING.

I currently have Gold Bond on my thighs to aide their healing from Wednesday night’s marathon of sweaty skin chafing.  Yum.

Blair: I wish I could send you video of the guy dancing in front of me.  It’s like watching a sick worm drown.

Kacia: Ahhh!  I adore awkward dancers at concerts!!!  ADORE!!!!  we need to get you a flip!

Blair: He’s trying to dry-hump fanny pack girl!

Oh, the awkward worm dancer.  & fanny pack girl.  A match made in heaven!  I can just see their DMB bump-n-grind turning into a plethora of fanny-pack wearing, hand-waving, gyrating nerds running around future Dave concerts.

Maybe Harrison will be privy to that experience a few years from now.