I’m really into a kick with lyrics as title posts, no? I should probably remedy that before it gets out of hand.
On another note, it’s going to be over 100 degrees here today, which means cotton & linen dresses, ponytails to work despite showing off my tattoo, & steamy sex posts. Only it’s more about LACK of steam & the desperate search for the elusive orgasm.
FATHER, I TOLD YOU TO STOP READING. I WARNED YOU. Now go rinse your eyeballs out with Listerine because your daughter just said “orgasm.” On the public interwebs.
A back story: Sex was awesome after Harrison was born. It didn’t matter that I was kind of chubby & floppy everywhere, because there was something magical about I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR regarding childbirth & motherhood that made everything so….SEXUAL. I was ready to fool around with Nate in the hospital & when we got home, the make-out sessions were out of this world. I know, I’m a weirdo. (let it be noted that we did wait the full six weeks before resuming the maritals – I’m not into getting an infected uterus) But once we had the green light, romps in the sack were back on schedule. We had fun that rivaled the newlywed stage. We planned the Dirty Day Shred, aka 30 days of sex. We were determined not to let our new status as parents de-rail our sex life & I’m still proud of that commitment because I think it reflects our comitment to each other & marriage.
If things are gravy in a marriage, they’ll be smooth in the bedroom. & vice versa. Just my obnoxious , possibly unpopular opinion.
& then the PPD struck. I know, right? It all goes back to the PPD. CURSES. But something about wanting to stop existing also made me want to stop existing in the bedroom. I hated myself, which shut me down to expressing love for myself & my husband, which is essentially sex in a nutshell, right? Then came the medications – first, the anti-depressants. Then the anti-psychotics. Then the birth control to make sure I wouldn’t get pregnant on the former meds & thus have a child with five heads.
Side Effects:
- Celexa: Anorgasmia
- Risperdal: Anorgasmia
- Birth Control: come on, if you have a vagina & are on birth control than you know it’s a libido-killer for 99.9% of females.
TALK ABOUT A BUZZ KILL. (by the way, anorgasmia = inability to have orgasm. no matter what you do. like the worst side-effect like, EVAH) So I went over four months without getting my jolly’s in the sack. & trust me, we tried everything, including purchasing a new little “friend” after Grimace the Vibrator came (ha!) to a slow, stuttering death.
Yes, I named him Grimace. Because he was small & purple & kinda looked like this:
Grimace, your death was so untimely & senseless. I think of all the hours we spent together, trying to alleviate my “problem” to no avail, & what a good soldier for sex you were. In the shower. In the bed. Doing laundry. Until one day, you simply wore out. I may have shed a tear.
OH MY GAWD, DAD. I TOLD YOU TO STOP READING.
kids, you’re not supposed to be playing with Grimace anyway.
But seriously, this makes me feel borderline dirty. I mean, WHO KILLS A VIBRATOR?! Whores. Whores kill vibrators. I wore it out. IN THE LITERAL SENSE.
So after trying everything short of advanced Kama Sutra & eventually killing a vibrator in the process, I brought it up with my psychiatrist & she deemed it “unacceptable.” We switched meds to Zoloft, which is known to have less sexual side-effects than Celexa. We purchased a new “friend,” took our time, and….I’m proud to say that last night, we broke our streak of anorgasmia.
It’s good to know I’m not defective.
Also? I’m going to need a name for my new vibrator. She’s hot pink.
mmmm I waited 9 months after my first child, LOL, I can't remember about the second but it was some weeks and with my daughter, four days.
so you've replaced grimace with Foofa , eh?
congrats on the orgasm… they sure are a tension breaker.
Did you try porn? Not sure what goes on in your house, but porn is a surefire way to get things started and finished for both of us in under 5. Which , is a must with 2 lil ones
This post makes me smile! Congrats on last night! And a name for your new pink hot one….ummm… Ol' Pinky, Lady Pinky… ha ha!
I am a whore. I burnt out my purple elephant (best BOB, ever!) BOB= battery operated boyfriend. Oh the stories I could tell….
Gem? As in, "Gem and the Hollograms"? I know you loved her too.
i may be the only woman under 30 who doesn't own her very own grimace. or hot pink thing.
and i made the hubs stay far away for a solid 8 weeks. no thank you very much!
I'll have to second Foofa – "she's pink and happy"!
Mine is named Sir-Shakes-A-Lot. He gets me rattled. I'm glad you found your mojo momma. I bet Doug is too.
YAY BLAIR!!!!!!!! Orgasms are great! (not to mention help you sleep, help cramps and overall just make things better) I'm so glad your back in the saddle (um, sack) – now stop blogging, take a lunch break and go do your husband
Happy "hump" day!
Props to your doc for deeming that side effect unacceptable and recognizing that a satisfying sex life is an important part of a patient's overall wellness. My ex's doc did not… and that's all I'm gonna say about that.
And obviously the name you're looking for is Foofa. It even goes with your scary children's imaginary character theme.
Um, is congrats appropriate here? If so, consider yourself congratulated but if not then I take it back and apologize for sounding creepy.
This reminds me of your posts when you first started blogging.
Bubble Yum
Whores use vibrators? Aren't they using dick? Really, I don't know much about whores, so fill me in (that's what she said.)
Zoloft was a total libido booster for me and fortunately never had the anorgasmia problem.
What is the name of that pink muppet? It's someone's little sister…. maybe it doesn't have a name. I just figured, in the spirit of keeping the trend of using the name of a fake childhood entertainment character….
How about "The Pink Panter"?
zoe!!! elmo's little pink sister!!
::dies:: best post EVER! Grimace, perfect name. Love it.
bahahhahahha
yay for orgasms!!! and im also seconding yay for your doc for helpin a sistah out.
foofa. def.
hmmm whats a good name…how about Meat puppet. Oh… that was gross after I wrote it, never mind.
Congrats on seeing the bright light last night!
Ummm…SnagglePUSS was pink.
(I won't go there…)
http://www.kidswb.com/downloads/graphics/snagglep…
How about GEM!??? She's truly outrageous, truly, truly, truly outrageous!
I hear you on the sex thing. I wanted it like crazy for the first few months after Lila was born. Then all of the sudden it was like something died inside of me. I still haven't figured it out.
dude… when you said "whores kill vibrators" I about fell off the couch. You would fit in so wonderfully with my girlfriends & I… I'm pretty sure that exact phrase has been used before in our presence.
I LOVE this post..So much is said about those kinds of meds..but not too many people talk about the lovely sexual side effects…Glad to hear you are back on your streak! Good Times!!
LOL! Whores kill vibrators killed me. LOVE it.
Now on to naming your new friend. I vote Pink Panther.
I love it! Good for you!!! I am beginning to think that I am the only one A.who doesn't own a BOB and B. has a husband less interested in sex than me.
::sighs and stomps feet::
I love your life Blair. thank you for sharing this stuff with us!!!
1. I'll never be able to look at Yo Gabba Gabba the same after all these foofa comments. That and a friend said she looks like a butt plug. LET THAT ONE MARINATE FOR A MINUTE.
2. "whores kill vibrators" dead. (I killed one myself, but ::ahem:: I'm a single mother with little patience for men these days.)
3. Congrats on the orgasm!
LOL – I was reading this at my desk here at work, and thought I was gonna pee myself when I read the "whores kill vibrators" thing.
That aside, you can always name your new toy Abby Cadabby or Natasha.
omg. this post cracked me up.
I agree, Foofa is the new name! She even has a flower on top of her head… it's fate, right there.
I've never ever ever had an orgasm.
I think I just let out a long sigh for you, I know exactly how you feel.
So glad she switched you off of those meds. That's just wrong. Ugh. Yay for orgasms! And have you tried the "triple clit flicker"–OMG! Amazing. And makes it easier to have an orgasm during intercourse.
Ah yes, orgasms. I have just discovered a vibrator (I know, at the age of 27! For shame) and I must say I do enjoy it! Sex after having our son took almost 2 years to get back on track, but it's getting there. Good for you! (Also, if you check out AdamandEve.com, and then enter code KATG at checkout, you get 50% off one item, free shipping, and some free stuff. In case you want another new vibrator.)
so the other day my hubby came home with a present for my 9 month old son; a stuffed Grimace, like an actual little 6inch purple stuffed Grimace….after this post, I don't think he'll be playing with it much! Glad you found your O again!
Yay!!
I vote Foofa! Hilarious especially since Jen pointed out she looks like a butt plug and OMG SHE DOES!
Alyssa – get yourself a vibrator stat. Orgasms are way too amazing to not have one.
I will preface this with: I never comment, but have been lurking since last year. Had a baby girl 2/5/10, and have been rooting for you with this whole PPD mess.
This was a terrific post, so great I really wanted to tell you! It is so great to hear someone actually come out honestly and talk about sex and vibrators.
Glad to see you are feeling "back to yourself". This was definitely an "old/real blair" sort of post
Love it!
OH.MY.GAWD. I just died! I died! This is the funniest post I've read in forever…..
My co-worker just asked me what I was laughing about and I answered all too quickly in my best impression of a little kid up to no good "NOTHING"
I vote for Foofa.
And welcome back to the world jollies
hahahahaha – best post ever!
Cotton Candy?
Although not due to anti-depressants, I too was lacking in the libido department due to my BC. I stopped taking it, we started up the condoms and now I am like a horney teenager. Yay for sex!
Oh yes, I have a hot pink vibrator too…maybe the name princess peach would work.
Have you talked to your dr about sildenafil (Viagra)? It's commonly prescribed for female sexual dysfunction, particularly in conjunction with SSRIs (which are known libido/orgasm killers). Just a thought.
I completely feel your pain my friend! I think I even wrote you an email about it. I was so desperate my psych switched my meds around too, off Zoloft and onto Luvox and FINALLY "it" happened. Poor Hubs thought it was his fault. Three cheers for orgasms! Best treatment for PPD (seriously, my psych says it literally helps your brain learn how to produce happy chemicals on it's own again)
High five to the orgasm!! You are so right when stating sex and a loving relationship are one in the same. So happy for you that both are back on track.
This kind of post is why I started stalking you. Not about sex necessarily, just this kind of writing that makes me almost pee myself laughing.
Congrats on getting your groove back. I vote for the "pink panta" cause I also peed myself at that suggestion
we have had sex 8 or 9 times total since our baby came. he is 11 months tomorrow. breastfeeding = major sex drive killer and inflicter of massive amounts of pain. up until this past weekend (#8 or 9, but the first time in at least 2 months), it felt like i was being attacked by daggers. it was awful. thankfully we gave it another try on the 4th and it was not painful, but still not very enjoyable. maybe i should get a friend too
All I can say is:
It's a good thing you don't have Google Ads. Can you imagine the things you'd have on here?? LMAO.
Pink Cadillac?
(Celexa seems to work *fine* for me in that, uh, way.)
Uuuuh… Well, I hope you do better with the zoloft than I did… diarrhea SIX TIME A DAY for like, months. Like, the no warning kind. Like, the I feel like going out in public but I can't now. I swear it happened to me because I used to make fun of Paxil commercials "Oh great, now I don't have social anxiety but I have dry mouth, diarrhea, and sweaty palms. What's the difference?"
And.. my car (a purple mazda3 hatch) is named Grimace.
WAS named Grimace.
It would be ridiculous to name New Grimace anything BUT Snagglepuss.
http://manhattanoffender.typepad.com/manhattanoff…
Um, we did not discuss this long enough AT ALL today.
But I think "Barbie" is appropriate. Like Slut-Whore Barbie.
Don't take this wrong, but I'm not sure I knew you were this stinkin' funny!!
How about…Minnie? Like the mouse? Never mind. We're going to Disney, so it's on my mind…
Congrats on finding the Big O again! As weird as this sounds, I was wondering how PPD was affecting your (awesome) sex life!
YEA for orgasms!
I've worn a few out…us whores need to stick together haha.
This is the BEST. Takes the cake.
And not just the post, but the comments to follow.
Let us know how the meds switch goes, good or bad. I have had orgasmic probs on every single med, but luckily, we can get past them most of the time. Well, and my mini bullet is to LIVE for.
Pure awesomeness right therrrr.
And I totally agree that as the mattress mambo gusto falls, so do other aspects of marriage.
I vote for Sex Panther (like in Anchorman)
HAHA I love this….Blair…i named my vibrator Barney, also because it is an astonishing shade of purple…Hubbs loves it…thank gawd the name itself doesn't kill the mood.
on another note, I do not consider myself a whore by an means, but I had to get thru a long distance relationship in college (FL-MA) and In the span of 2 years I went through 4 vibrators…and I say that proudly! I am a WOMAN hear me roar!!!
You are hilarious
And to the friends who suggested Foofa, that about cracked me up! PS everytime I visit your blog it crashes my tab : Anyone else having that problem?
Don't feel bad.
I've killed about 6 vibrators and I'm rather young..
lol
congrats on the Big O..
so very important.
dude, can you call your vib. grimace and still support RMHC on your blog? LMAO!
Yay for orgasms. Somehow, they make everything better!
I just did a post about sex after baby too!! HOW FUNNY!!
hisandhermarriage.blogspot.com.
We had different stories though…I haven't had a problem with the orgasms, but no way would I have been able to go at it for 30 days straight…WAY TOO SORE!
I'm with ya though: horny as heck after this cutie pie was born. ; )
great post!
Celexa killed my libido and orgasms, too. It's why I stopped taking it. Glad the zoloft is better for you.z
My first vibrator used to randomly turn itself on in my bedside table drawer….ummmm…awkward! Then one day it was KIA, so to speak. Bought a better one the second time around.
HILARIOUS!
Sex after the baby was the best it had ever been AWESOME for the first few months after we "did it" the first time (5 weeks – after my post opt visit) then it changed. I think it has something to do with breastfeeding, been doing it for almost 9 months now and I'm wondering why it's getting worse. Who knows?!
Been in the same boat with anti-depressants. Zoloft was a Godsend in more ways than one – no anxiety, no Anorgasmia, no other horrible side effects! I don't know anyone that didn't hate Celexa. Glad you are back to feeling good again!!!
This is some funny sh!t. Glad to hear your girly bits are beginning to work properly again!
of all the inspiring blogs I've read tonight, this one gives me the most hope and I am SO not kidding! I was also ALL OVER my hubs after E was born (we totally didn't wait the 6 weeks…I HAD to have it!). Then PPD and I didn't feel sexy. Then the celexa and I got FAT and couldn't have orgasms. This is where I am now. The hubs was like wait, so Celexa is making you fat and not have orgasms? Why are you taking it again? And I said, because NOT taking it makes me an angerball who is all yelly and stabby at you. And he said, "oh yeah. good point." My doc did say maybe zoloft would be good for when i am pg again…if that happens. not really in the plan right now. anyway, this is getting rambly and all i wanted to say was WOO HOO…and FIST BUMP!
Two thumbs up on the orgasm, and the post!
Laughing. So. Hard.
Who wears out a vibrator? Whores. HAHAHAHAHA
I love you.
I tried one out before. I was in college, in between boyfriends, and drunk at a cabin party. Completely serious! It was a spur of the moment thing to buy. I went off and did my thing. I don't know if it was because I was drunk or I never had sex before to even know what the hell I was doing BUT I didn't dig it. I've never tried it again.
Patrick and I used to watch porn together but it was with his fraternity guys and some of my girls and just as a humor thing when we got trashed. Oooh I remember OG MudBone with a 12 inch penis…memories.
While I enjoy trying new things in the bedroom we've just been having good old fashioned lovin'. I get sore after awhile. I have no idea what it is and it's kinda screwing both of us up to do long sack sessions.
As for the vibrator I like….Think Pink! Race for the O!
LOL! Yay for you~ sounds like it was definitely about time that happened!
That's funny, I was on Celexa for 5 months before I got pregnant (now 23 weeks) and my Dr never f'ing told me what this would do to my sex drive and/or ability to have an orgasm. Man was I pissed when I figured this out lol I feel your pain. Now being off my medication because I'm pregnant, there are orgasms 'o plenty lol Though sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my mind, I refuse to take anything while pregnant. Perhaps I'll suggest zoloft to my Dr once I'm no longer prego. Btw, Blair, love your log. Good luck with the orgasms!
Blog* lol
This was my first time reading your blog…I saw you on Top Mommy Blogs and was also referred by another blogger…I LOVE your stuff…very honest, real and hilarious! Keep it up!
GO GIRL!
Do you remember that kids show Barbapapa? The father was a huge pink blob? Look here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barbapapa
I think you should call your vibrator Barbapapa. The show was, apparently, originally french which makes him even better at orgasms.
Also, Magnifique! on your O. I am, as you know, a fan.
Love, Kit