I’m really into a kick with lyrics as title posts, no? I should probably remedy that before it gets out of hand.
On another note, it’s going to be over 100 degrees here today, which means cotton & linen dresses, ponytails to work despite showing off my tattoo, & steamy sex posts. Only it’s more about LACK of steam & the desperate search for the elusive orgasm.
FATHER, I TOLD YOU TO STOP READING. I WARNED YOU. Now go rinse your eyeballs out with Listerine because your daughter just said “orgasm.” On the public interwebs.
A back story: Sex was awesome after Harrison was born. It didn’t matter that I was kind of chubby & floppy everywhere, because there was something magical about I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR regarding childbirth & motherhood that made everything so….SEXUAL. I was ready to fool around with Nate in the hospital & when we got home, the make-out sessions were out of this world. I know, I’m a weirdo. (let it be noted that we did wait the full six weeks before resuming the maritals – I’m not into getting an infected uterus) But once we had the green light, romps in the sack were back on schedule. We had fun that rivaled the newlywed stage. We planned the Dirty Day Shred, aka 30 days of sex. We were determined not to let our new status as parents de-rail our sex life & I’m still proud of that commitment because I think it reflects our comitment to each other & marriage.
If things are gravy in a marriage, they’ll be smooth in the bedroom. & vice versa. Just my obnoxious , possibly unpopular opinion.
& then the PPD struck. I know, right? It all goes back to the PPD. CURSES. But something about wanting to stop existing also made me want to stop existing in the bedroom. I hated myself, which shut me down to expressing love for myself & my husband, which is essentially sex in a nutshell, right? Then came the medications – first, the anti-depressants. Then the anti-psychotics. Then the birth control to make sure I wouldn’t get pregnant on the former meds & thus have a child with five heads.
Side Effects:
- Celexa: Anorgasmia
- Risperdal: Anorgasmia
- Birth Control: come on, if you have a vagina & are on birth control than you know it’s a libido-killer for 99.9% of females.
TALK ABOUT A BUZZ KILL. (by the way, anorgasmia = inability to have orgasm. no matter what you do. like the worst side-effect like, EVAH) So I went over four months without getting my jolly’s in the sack. & trust me, we tried everything, including purchasing a new little “friend” after Grimace the Vibrator came (ha!) to a slow, stuttering death.
Yes, I named him Grimace. Because he was small & purple & kinda looked like this:
Grimace, your death was so untimely & senseless. I think of all the hours we spent together, trying to alleviate my “problem” to no avail, & what a good soldier for sex you were. In the shower. In the bed. Doing laundry. Until one day, you simply wore out. I may have shed a tear.
OH MY GAWD, DAD. I TOLD YOU TO STOP READING.
kids, you’re not supposed to be playing with Grimace anyway.
But seriously, this makes me feel borderline dirty. I mean, WHO KILLS A VIBRATOR?! Whores. Whores kill vibrators. I wore it out. IN THE LITERAL SENSE.
So after trying everything short of advanced Kama Sutra & eventually killing a vibrator in the process, I brought it up with my psychiatrist & she deemed it “unacceptable.” We switched meds to Zoloft, which is known to have less sexual side-effects than Celexa. We purchased a new “friend,” took our time, and….I’m proud to say that last night, we broke our streak of anorgasmia.
It’s good to know I’m not defective.
Also? I’m going to need a name for my new vibrator. She’s hot pink.
