Dear PPD,
You no longer have power over me, or my relationship with my son. You no longer have the power to make me hate myself, the world, or resent anyone in my life. Your manic tendencies no longer control my thoughts. You are NOTHING. You are a nasty, evil, vile disease that I am pushing behind me, leaving you in the dust, & you are receiving the world’s biggest, most victorious middle finger. In short, YOU ARE MY BITCH. I AM NO LONGER YOURS.
PPD, you stripped me of almost 9 months of my life & more importantly, my son’s life. You beat me naked, down to my core until some nights, I was literally shaking in the bed & clawing at the sheets, begging for my life to be over. YOU ABUSED ME, USED ME, & HURT ME. & now, I’m standing up to you & taking my life back. For months, I screamed & cried to have my life back. Now, I have it. I should resent you, hate you, & believe me, I do. But I also know that every ounce of my energy is better spent moving forward & enjoying my life rather than wallowing in what could have been, what should have been, & what I wasn’t for the better part of 9 months. Now YOU are the one, shivering in the corner while I giggle with my son over bathtime. YOU are the one losing the battle while we snuggle & wrestle in the sunlight. YOU are the one standing outside the nursery during the bedtime routine. YOU missed out on splashing in the pool for the Fourth of July. NOT ME.
I hate you for what you did to me. I hate that there was no rhyme or reason & at times, I still scream WHY ME?! when I think of how it could have been like this from the beginning had you not come knocking. But I also know that without those horrible, bleak, terrible days, I would not realize HOW DAMN GOOD I have it right now. I feel like I am seeing my son for the first time. Like I am seeing myself as a mother for the first time. & you know what? I am a good mother. & my son is amazing. I finally understand that love that parents gush about, that desire to wake up in the morning & see a toothless grin over the railings of the crib. To not only wish for that moment, but to desire it down to my core until it is the last thing I think about as I fall asleep - I can’t wait to wake up to him tomorrow.
PPD, I know you are one pesky son-of-a-bitch & that you’ll do your best to be back in my life. I know that I’m not healed, that I still have a long way to go, but I also know just how far I’ve come & that I feel like my back is turned to you in the best way possible. I know that your vile, creeping, explosive anger & resentment are like a cloying disease, looking for any chance to creep back into my life. You are there, waiting for me to give you an inch. But you know what? I’m waiting for you, too.
& I’ve got one hell of a leather whip to beat the shit out of you if you ever try to come back.
In short, GO TO HELL. Satan’s waiting for you.
kindly eff off,
Blair
♥ I am so glad you are doing so well! I am rooting and pulling for you! You are amazing !
I am so happy to hear that things are looking up for you!!!
I LOVE this. Woooohooooo!
I am so happy for you!! You are an amazing mommy!!
i went through the same thing when ava was around 6 months – finally everything clicked and i felt like i was finally present and everything felt right for once. not perfect, but right. don't get me wrong, i still have times where it's harder than it should be but it's gradually gotten better.
i'm glad you're making progress with this!
I am so happy for you!! You are an amazing mommy!! Tell that PPD where to go!
I'm a new follower. We have a lot in common.
This made me laugh and cry. Rock on for moving forward and soaking in all of motherhood's glorious moments, even if it's scooping poop out of the tub.
LOVE what you wrote, couldn't have said it better myself
Glad you're doing so well!
Suck it PPD!
It really is amazing how quickly your life can turn around with a change of meds. While I have never had a child (thus, never experiencing PPD), I've battled depression off and on since I was 9, and was also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a few years ago. The put me on Cymbalta to kill two birds with one stone. It worked for a little less than a year– until it released it's wrath on me this past winter. I felt like a psychopath. Constant outbursts like a prepubescent child, unimaginable rage, wanting to hurt myself and everyone around me, dreams of overdosing– I can't even explain it, other than to say I felt like a psychopath. I finally went to the doctor and they changed my meds immediately. The withdrawal was a bitch and a half and I wonder if coming off of heroin is as bad, but as soon as Cymbalta was out of my system I was like a brand new person. Back to my normal, happy self. Literally, about 2 weeks after the switch of meds. And it's made a world of difference.
Basically, all that to say, "I get it!" I'm so happy you've found meds that work and can find some normalcy again! Nine months is way too long to feel so low, so you absolutely deserve your re-found joy! I wish you, Dave (crap, I hope that's his name!), and Harrison nothing but the best today and always. You're a beautiful family– I'm so thrilled now you see and appreciate that!
Marianne
I am SO GLAD that you are making PPD yo betch. You rock. Keep fighting!!
PS. PPD, suck it
Yay!! I have been looking forward to this day…. I knew it was on the horizon!! You junk punch that PPD!!!! XO!!
You go on with your bad ass self. Love it.
love this vibe, love this entry, but most of all, LOVE the whip!
Rock on sister. I'm so glad to read this post. It made me happy/sad at the same time. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel too and it's an amazing feeling
This post is better than any McFatty Monday post. This Gain/loss brings me to tears.
I love that you are once again loving your life.
Just want to let you know that you are an inspiration to me. I love how honest you are and I so appreciate it. I am praying for you and glad that you are feeling better now!
I love this post. It made me teary in a good-powerful-woman kind of way. That whip is not only genius but a real ass-kicker. You are an amazing mom and doing a phenomenal job.
love it! Absolutely love it.
I'm definitely with all the other gals that said they were teary over this, its such an incredible feeling to wake up and know that there is something wonderful waiting outside of the bedroom door. Whether it be a handsome son or just a good book the point is that its there, that there actually is life- and a remarkably better one- outside of this PPD "cave" we end up creating for ourselves. I'm so, SO happy for you that things are looking up and you're able to enjoy more moments as a precious little boy's Mommy, and as the kickass,-takecharge- blog-gery, superhero woman you KNOW you are
hehe
YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!
Totally teary and totally shouting YEAHHHHHH!! for you!
So awesome! So happy for you doll – you deserve it!
This is the day I have been waiting for
I know how you feel. I to am beating PPD with a whip laced with geodon and lexapro, Im beatingmy anxiety and panic attacks with clonipin, and im handling my agoraphobia and OCD with a strong will to survive even inthe toughest of times. My PPD developed into maniac depression and bipolar disorder. So i completely understand how you feel. And i to vow to try and not let it control my life and daily activites.
What a powerful post. I'm seriously sitting here with a big smile on my face, and some tears in my eyes. I'm so happy and excited for you!!
AWESOME! What an awesome fresh beginning we are given, huh!? Keep those good days coming and shut the door in PPD's face anytime it comes knocking. You are strong mom!
TAKE THAT, PPD! Go ahead, hot mama, beat it back!! So happy for ya!!!
BLAM! Eat it, bitch.
Smooches, hoochie.
goosebumps. happy tears for you. my favorite post from you.
I really hope I'm singing the same song soon. I am so happy to see Blair Is Back!
Gives me hope.
PS Mommies are fighters. Of course you're a good mommy. You have been from the beginning.
Oh BA, I love you so much. You are such a special person, and I am thrilled to read this. The struggle you went through must make these feelings 100x more powerful now that you had to fight for them.
I know you wouldn't go through it again, but lady – you did it. You ARE doing it. And it's awesome.
Harrison is a very, very lucky little boy to have a momma that loves him enough to walk through hell and back.
Way to go, lady. Mind over matter and all that. I'm so proud of you.
In your FACE, PPD! I'm fist-pumping the air for you, lady. You kick serious ASS.
Good for you Blair! I'm glad you are feeling more like your old self. You deserve it.
Good for you!!
DOUG! His name is DOUG! Not Dave! I knew that didn't sound right! And it just hit me for no good reason so I had to come and tell you that I'm not a complete moron (although this post may prove otherwise, for a different reason).
Marianne, you are CRACKING ME UP!! Yes, it's Doug!
Thanks for this great post. I have struggled with PPD as well and your victory is awesome.
I needed this today. After feeling nearly 100% for several months I am having a bit of a relapse. This reminded me that it may rear it's ugly head, but I can fight back just as hard!
So, so happy to read this! Glad you are hitting your stride as a mom and loving it
Long time reader, first time commenter:
I love this. It's what's going on in my head right now, only more eloquent.
YES! I love it. Don't ever look back Blair. One step at a time. I'm proud of you.
You are freaking awesome. And you ARE an awesome mother. I'm so happy you finally feel like you are the one in control!!! I hope you continue to get even better… I'm always praying for you, love!
And thank you for showing me some love during all the bullshit I just went through… every positive comment means a lot & I know you've had to deal with the same crap many times. I need to grow some tough skin like you!
you go, girl
Seriously … AMAZING use of JayZ : ) You are the best! Love the eff off finale!
Congrats! I hope you continue to conquer PPD. I wish I could… I honestly hate not being able to have the same resources as you. I'm jealous, yes. I'm also mad at myself for not trying to go and get insurance so I can afford medication.
I'm so glad you are feeling like yourself and are managing to recognize the mother and wife you can be and are. It really is like being dragged to hell and back and I don't know if that struggle will ever fully go away (for me at least) but it makes me happy that you have such a great support system and recognize that. Lots of hugs and chocolate cupcakes,
You go, girl! I love how determined, organized and hilarious you are about this awful situation.
I LOVE this letter. Whooooohoooo Blair. Preach it.
this brought me to tears!
its so great to hear how well you are doing and for you to know how amazing being a mother is and to see and feel the love you have for your child.
it will only get stronger as time goes on!
I loved your letter. You are helping SO many new moms by sharing your journey. So glad you had fun on the 4th mama!
Go on with your bad self!
Wonderful post and wonderful progress!
So happy for you and your family!
Love this letter! All the best to you Blair!
Love it! Rock on Blair!
A to-the-MEN.
Cheers to Blair!
)
*jumps up and cheers* GO BLAIR GO!!!
YAY! SO glad to read this!
it is great to hear things are looking up for you. I love you blog and it makes me happy to know you are getting better. I too suffer from PPD and know how bad things can be. Way to go!
I'm soo happy for you! I've definitely noticed a change in the tone of your posts in the past couple of weeks. You're strong and I knew you'd get through this.
It's so amazing how a healing mind can see things clearly. When I'm in the throes of anxiety/depression, I truly believe the horrible things my mind tells myself. I fully believe the despair will never end. But when I make it to the other side, I look back and wonder how I could have ever believed those things.
Your journey is inspiring to so many women.
Ahhhh i'm so happy! Way to go! You show that PPD who's boss. hehe
WHIP IT! Whip it good. Atta girl, B!
Fist pump!!! You rock, girl. I can't even begin to imagine the journey you've been on, but you've kicked PPD's ass. Here's to toothless grins in the morning– yeah!
Rock on, mama!!!!
You rock. SOOOO glad you are feeling like your old self.
freck YEAH! Preach it momma! WOO HOO!!!
Hear Hear! What an amaing "Declaration of Independence! I went through a horrible PPD and Anxiety disorder! It goes in waves, but it feels good to have some action points and be on top of it! LOVE the whip!
Hell to the YEAH! Way to tell PPD to suck it-I'm thrilled you're feeling better.
Keep rockin' it Blair