I am happy to admit it – I feel GOOD.
I’m stepping away from some things. I’ve been on my new medications for a month (which seems to be that magic, happy length of kicking-in). I switched psychiatrists to one that I feel fits better – I feel encouraged when I leave her, rather than exhausted & like I was hit by a truck. I FEEL GOOD.
The only unfortunate part of feeling good & attached? Little wrestling Nate to be the first one to reach Harrison. Like last night when he was in his crib for bed & we hear this *SMACK* & then wailing. Not “I’m-bored-&-wanna-stay-up-come-get-me-now” cries, but “OH-MY-GOD-THAT-REALLY-HURT” wails down to his toes. & I was literally crawling over Nate to get to Harrison first & when I did, when I was the one to scoop him up & rock him close to my chest, I thought “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. WIN.”
& while I felt bad that Nate was standing there only able to offer pats on the back while I held that little boy into my neck & let him sob out how awful that big bad crib hurt him, I couldn’t help but think this is what I’m supposed to do. & my amazing husband? He let me have that moment.
I still struggle sometimes. I still have moments of apathy, where I feel the depression swelling in me up to my throat & it feels like I’m in this huge ocean that will swallow me whole if I even relax for one moment. I worry about relapse. I worry that this happiness is temporary. I worry that the shit will hit the fan again. But the good days are starting to push out the bad & the sun shines a lot more around here.
photo credit
Things I am thankful for:
- Sunshine
- To-do lists, even when they’re not all scratched off & even though that drives me batshitcrazy.
- Charities that inspire me to work harder & be a better person.
- My husband being the father I always dreamed he would be.
- The feeling I got this morning when I peeked in to see Harrison just starting to stir. & I watched him wiggle around in his crib, then slowly get on his hands & knees to peer out. Like warm buttered toast.
- Skype.
- Walks after work with my baby & husband, the way I always envisioned.
- Making those “visions” happen, like my good internet friend Allison reminded me to.
- Toaster ovens. Don’t laugh, but we never had a toaster oven until about a month ago. & now I use it almost every day.
- Weekend trips during the summer. & wanting to take Harrison with us rather than using it as an escape.
What are you thankful for?
Mmmm…bagel pizzas in the toaster oven…
Suddenly I'm hungry!!
So happy to hear that things are looking up! Aren't husbands amazing sometimes?
Good for you Blair. I am really glad you are getting better!
toaster ovens really are the best. SO useful.
Glad you're feeling more yourself. Now that you mention toaster ovens all I want is a brown sugar pop tart
I'm thankful for:
-enough work to keep me super busy
-skype
-coffee
-down comforters
-a God that lets me pass off my worries to Him
-and friends, like you! :]
thankful for my mom who always tells me," its just a stage, it will pass" when I am having a crazy day with the kids & thankful that she is always right.
So happy for you – the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling goes away as you feel better for longer and longer.
I love these TT posts – it helps me refocus and prepare for a good Friday.
Tonight I am thankful for:
- caramel-flavored coffee
- a hubby who does the dishes each night and give me no grief for not getting it done
- you feeling like yourself again
Tonight I am thankful for:
-my husband who is currently in the laundry room doing laundry as I relax on the computer
-my son who went to sleep on his own when I put him in his crib tonight
-my stepdaughter who has accepted me as family
-my God who has been with me through everything
I'm glad to hear things are going good for you!
That makes me happy. You deserve it, Blair!
I'm thankful for…
- my awesome son
- my awesome husband
- my adorable dog
- the people who have helped my doggie out
- my family
- life. being alive. it's all a blessing.
- God
made me cry again!! So happy for you!!
I got tears in my eyes when you said "this is what I’m supposed to do. & my amazing husband? He let me have that moment." It sounds like you have a wonderful husband. It seems like he's stood by your side through this whole depression, and somewhat took over the parenting when you weren't able to. What a man. I know I do the majority of parenting in our household, so if my daughter was up in the night crying, I would want to swoop her up in my arms. I would be hard for me to turn that role over to my husband. That was so nice of him to let you have that moment. He deserves a pat on the back, or maybe a little more
Ah, I did thankful Thursday today on my blog too! I am so happy to hear that you feel GOOD! I had a GOOD day today too…we must be on the way to healing and wonderful together. yay to that. and although my little one was clingy yesterday and today? he was clingy TO ME, and I LIKED it for once. yay for small victories!
I'm thankful for to-do lists as well – they help keep my life organized!
Awesome! So so happy for you.
I'm so happy that you got to experience that feeling. It is a leap (over Nate) on the right direction!
As my blog says, I'm happy at '90's references digging up memories of my wonderful Granny today.
And for new friends near and far.
And for the awesome Father's Day mix CD I'm working on right now.
We actually don't have a regular toaster–just a toaster oven. My husband is obsessed with it, and I love it!
I love our toaster oven too!
i posted my list today http://arms-wide-open.squarespace.com
Your little warm buttered toast brought a big smile to my face. that's beautiful!
Aww! So, happy for you! An amazing post & you deserve it!
Today I am thankful for:
- my baby boys amazing blue eyes
- the way he snuggles into the nape of my neck
- how hard my husband works so I can be an SAHM & means it when he says he want me here no matter the cost.
- that I have enough room in my house for a friend to stay while she & her husband go through a difficult time.
- that I've stuck to eating healthy and lost 10 lbs in a month
- that my dogs are so sweet to my baby & I can already tell they will be his best friend for years to come.
Thanks for helping to remind me of all the good in my life. Best wishes!
Only you would be thankful for to-do lists.
Glad to hear you're having a good week. Kiss!
Amy
gardens
Hot homemade buttermilk biscuits
snuggly little dogs
home grown veggies
This could be one of my favorite posts! I am so glad to hear you are feeling much better. Things I am thankful for:
My amazing husband and his kind heart
My "children" aka clients who make me laugh when I need it the most.
My never-ending To-Do List. I keep mine on the computer so I can erase and add as needed but I still CRAVE the handwritten version!
An amazing boss who accepts me despite my faults.
A God who understands my worries and lets me leave them with him.
I have so much to be thankful for and lastly I am thankful for your Thankful Thursday posts b/c they make me stop and take it all in!
This post gave me goosebumps!
I am so thankful for the sun right now. It has helped me stay motivated. I am also thankful for bubbly moscato!
Well, YAY for you
Glad you're feeling good.
I'm thankful today for a supportive husband who thinks I rock, AND for hearing the perfect song at the perfect time this evening.
So glad to hear that you are feeling better! I have been reading your blog now for about a month and you are one strong lady! You're winning the fight girl! Thanks for having the courage to share your thoughts and feelings, it's given me the courage to start my own blog about my journey with ppd/ocd. Hugs!
http://leigh-cinderellascloset.blogspot.com/
I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better on the new meds and therapist. Yay! Keep it up.
It warms my heart to hear that you are having more good days! I hope that this is the beginning of many good things, and good days, to come.
I am thankful for:
My health and my son's health. We've both been under the weather and had rather miserable weeks, but I think we're both on the mend.
A mom who still likes to mother me. This morning, when I dropped the babe off (she's our daycare for another month), my mom had a soft boiled egg and freshly toasted english muffin waiting for me.
A wonderful husband who is also a kick-ass dad.
My new office that is on a corner and has two windows!
Fun evenings relaxing by the pool with the family…including a great lab who provides endless entertainment with her swimming antics.
Have a fantastic day!
Every day, I realize more and more that I have so much to be thankful for. Just a few:
A gorgeous baby that recognizes me as momma and reaches for me
A husband that takes care of us, and loves me despite my faults
A new puppy that climbs in my lap while I'm trying to weed the flower beds
A family that supports me, and helps out when needed
Vacation in three weeks
A job.
Toaster ovens rule.
I actually have cooked a dinner in one before – it was homemade french bread pizza, but dinner still.
Yayyyyyyy!
I am thankful for you, for writing this every Thursday. It makes my Friday mornings at work sooooo much better!
Thank you Blair!
Your honesty is so refreshing. I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better after making a switch with therapist and I loved your thankful list today
Your honesty is so refreshing. I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling better after making a switch with therapist and I loved your thankful list today
Cheers to #8.
Aren't toaster ovens just awesome. That is all I've used for the past year to heat up my food, no microwave in our home. Sometimes it's a pain, but the food really does taste lots better. Happy for you and your family.
I'm so glad to hear you're doing better : ) YAY! Isn't it awesome that after so many difficult mothering moments, to also have those that are so sweet and bring life! We all need that.
YOU WILL NOT RELAPSE!
Just continue to make your vision a reality, as best as you can. That vision can be flexible, you know.
today I am most thankful for a wonderful husband who does all the stuff around the house so that I can love on my 3 month old twins and be as good a mommy as I can.
And Blair, when these wonderful YESSSS! moments happen, give yourself wholeheartedly over to them. It makes them that much more amazingly wonderful. And yes, there will be more behind it because you are a good momma and Harrison LOVES you! And what could ever feel better than that?
Just found your blog recently (came over from Pretty*Swell). This post made me so very happy for you to experience the Mama moments you have been waiting for! Yay!