I am happy to admit it – I feel GOOD.

I’m stepping away from some things.  I’ve been on my new medications for a month (which seems to be that magic, happy length of kicking-in).  I switched psychiatrists to one that I feel fits better – I feel encouraged when I leave her, rather than exhausted & like I was hit by a truck.  I FEEL GOOD.

The only unfortunate part of feeling good & attached?  Little wrestling Nate to be the first one to reach Harrison.  Like last night when he was in his crib for bed & we hear this *SMACK* & then wailing.  Not “I’m-bored-&-wanna-stay-up-come-get-me-now” cries, but “OH-MY-GOD-THAT-REALLY-HURT” wails down to his toes.  & I was literally crawling over Nate to get to Harrison first & when I did, when I was the one to scoop him up & rock him close to my chest, I thought “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  WIN.”

& while I felt bad that Nate was standing there only able to offer pats on the back while I held that little boy into my neck & let him sob out how awful that big bad crib hurt him, I couldn’t help but think this is what I’m supposed to do.  & my amazing husband?  He let me have that moment.

I still struggle sometimes.  I still have moments of apathy, where I feel the depression swelling in me up to my throat & it feels like I’m in this huge ocean that will swallow me whole if I even relax for one moment.  I worry about relapse.  I worry that this happiness is temporary.  I worry that the shit will hit the fan again.  But the good days are starting to push out the bad & the sun shines a lot more around here.

photo credit

Things I am thankful for:

1. Sunshine
2. To-do lists, even when they’re not all scratched off & even though that drives me batshitcrazy.
3. Charities that inspire me to work harder & be a better person.
4. My husband being the father I always dreamed he would be.
5. The feeling I got this morning when I peeked in to see Harrison just starting to stir.  & I watched him wiggle around in his crib, then slowly get on his hands & knees to peer out.  Like warm buttered toast.
6. Skype.
7. Walks after work with my baby & husband, the way I always envisioned.
8. Making those “visions” happen, like my good internet friend Allison reminded me to.
9. Toaster ovens.  Don’t laugh, but we never had a toaster oven until about a month ago.  & now I use it almost every day.
10. Weekend trips during the summer.  & wanting to take Harrison with us rather than using it as an escape.

What are you thankful for?