I went for a walk tonight.  I had such a good day today emotionally that I just knew I had to walk for therapy.  So I hit the pavement at twilight with the cool air & setting sun.  My iPod was dead.  It was a blessing to just hear my breathing & padding footsteps.

& I thought.

I thought a lot.  About life, about Harrison, my family, this blog.

Somewhere during my walk, I noticed rocks on the roads – bigger ones, & then tiny pebbles.  I started kicking the big rocks.  Kick.  Kick.  Kick.  No matter how hard or soft I kicked those big rocks, they inevitably ran off the road into grass.  I kicked the smaller rocks – a more difficult, precise task that took much more concentration.  But with that precision & practice, the small rocks stayed on the road.  Always.

I kept walking & kicking rocks.  & realized that those rocks were my blog.

KICK.

I have been kicking the big rocks.  & it shows because my blog has gone off the path.  Sometimes I kicked hard, sometimes I kicked gently, but either way, it was the wrong rock & the inevitable happened.  I’m off-track.  Too much pressure on myself from myself.  I’m at a weird place where I still love my blog, but I’ve gone awry.  I took down too many boundaries for myself & am feeling the heat.

So I’m going to stop kicking those big rocks.  I’m keeping a few things “closer to the vest” as my buddy Bonzer would say, although I still hope that some of my blogging will give insight to the disease that is PPD/PPA/PPeverything.  Until further notice, I am no longer taking any new giveaways & reviews.  I do have a few commitments still hanging out there that I am excited about, & I cannot tell you how many emails I have responded regretfully to this week.  Of course, I will still be working with my sponsors.  But this is for the best.  & I hope you enjoy what will come of it, as I am sure it will lead to better writing & a better me, & therefore a better time reading our crazy antics for you.

Also, I am not made of stone – when you tell me to not have children anymore, that I’m a terrible mother, you’re ramming down the thoughts that I’ve had for months.  Ramming them back down my throat.  That is RUDE.  It’s uncalled for.  It’s not constructive.  It’s not cute.  I’ve been that woman to other women before & I tell you, karma sucks.  It will come back at you & when it does, you will be trying to undo it with a vengeance.   If you are one of those women that I kicked when they were down before, I’m sorry.  The only thing I can say is that motherhood changed me, & I am a better person.  I am sorry.  I wish I could apologize over a cup of coffee & take back everything I said.  But on that note, I do have the right to take down any comments that I deem rude or non-constructive to either my child, other readers, my sponsors, or myself.  & as Eddie Murphy said, “This is my house.  If you don’t like it, get the eff out.”

I never said this blog would always be fun.  Or pretty.  Or funny.  It’s a woman in progress, so it is unfair to think that I will always stay the same.  Sometimes I will change for the worse.  Sometimes, I’ll be better.  I’m working on being better for good.  You may notice the changes.  You may not.  My prayer is that I will & that my family will notice.

Because I want more days like today.  I want more days where I feel like The One with my little boy.  I want more days where I excel at work.  More walks at sunset, more giggles in bathtime, more fluffy butts reaching for one more kiss before bed.  More cups of tea, more little Ikea lamps that make me smile.  I want more days where my husband & I have already met the desired “Kiss Quota” with more promised later.

The little rocks are harder to kick.  They take more precision, concentration, & attention.  But they stay on course.  & that’s what we all need right now.