Y’all, this is “Kit.” & I love her. She writes Blogging Dangerously, one of the most hilarious, irreverent, no-gloves blogs I have ever read in my life. She likes to write about sex, but she’s writing on a more serious note today. But if you’d like to read about her college flings, married sex, & the Marine that was “hung like a gerbil,” then RUN to her blog & add it to your Google Reader.
She’s also sweet as sugar, but don’t tell anyone because it might ruin her reputation.
(& if you don’t follow her on Twitter, SHAME ON YOU. She’s hysterical.)
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Sometimes I’m not sure if my readers are more shocked by the WAY I talk about sex on my blog – or by the fact that I actually HAVE sex and 4 young children under 7. The resounding comment on my blog is, “I will try to remember these things in case my husband/wife and I EVER have sex again!”
And you know what? I get it. For a few years there it felt like the only time my husband and I had sex was when we were actively trying to get pregnant. And after the second or third night of “trying” we were ready to wait a month until the next window.
Sometimes the most intimate we were was just leaving the other one alone in the bedroom to make magic alone and then get some much needed sleep. We weren’t going for movie-style intimacy, we were just trying to hang onto some semblance of our sexuality.
After my 4th daughter was born it got much more difficult. First of all we had 3 young children who were keeping us hopping during the day and a newborn who was keeping us awake all night. Then, YEARS of breastfeeding had taken their toll on my estrogen level and I was just NOT IN THE MOOD. And when I WAS in the mood my body wouldn’t cooperate so it hurt – pain is definitely NOT an aphrodisiac!
I talked to my doctor and she gave me an estrogen based lubricant that worked wonders. First of all it helped during sex but then the estrogen was absorbed and helped me get to the point that I no longer needed it. If you think that you have a physical issue (pain, or anything that’s not like it used to be) please ask your doctor.
Once we’d resolved that issue we ran straight into another issue – timing. I’m a night person. I have a lot of things to do during the day and I can’t relax completely until they’re done and everything is put away and things are in their proper place and my face is washed and my teeth are brushed, etc.
My husband is more laid back but when he’s tired he’s TIRED. Bedtime for him is LIGHTSOUT, no talking, keep your hands to yourself time. So you can see what I mean about timing issues. Day after day he would walk into my home office and get shot down. Night after night I would roll toward him only to have him roll away.
And it was okay, our marriage was strong enough. But after a while I realized that it didn’t HAVE to be. We didn’t have to have a lackluster sex life because we had a strong marriage. Sure, on the weeks where we all came down with a stomach bug it was good to know that sex could take a back burner but during the weeks when things were going well it was equally good to know that I was married to a man who could curl my toes – TWICE.
We started trying to be more flexible. I realized that if I was in the mood during the day we could squeeze some time together into 15 minutes – certainly less time than I was allowed for lunch – and easily shorter than a nap. We started going to bed earlier.
And the more sex we managed to have, the more we thought about sex, and the more sex we ended up having. There were weeks when we had sex 5 times – and they were followed by weeks where we didn’t have sex at all. And then there were weeks after weeks after weeks when we had sex twice. There was really no pressure to keep score but the point was that we were in the habit of having sex instead of the habit of NOT having sex. And while our marriage may have been strong enough to withstand NOT having sex, it was nice that it didn’t HAVE TO. There was no pressure to have newlywed sex but it was nice to be enjoying my body with a man who could curl my toes - TWICE.
Wow!! This is SUCH a great post. Wow. I'm honestly Speechless – I'm just SO encouraged by this post.
I'm So thankful for the sex life that we have – but no kids have entered the picture yet – I will come back to this post when I'm feeling like it's not adequate.
Thank you!
[ps: love your blog!]
Just what I needed to hear with a 9 week old. Thanks!
well hey there kit. You know me. I love you already for all your shenanigans about sex. The hubs and I too have our off weeks but we usually try to do it at least twice a week. And its when im the one making the moves that we do it more frequently. haha He gets a little worried that ill turn him down.
You're my hero.
Ah, I love Kit and I love Blair so this feels like one of those crossover shows (remember when Happy Days met Laverne and Shirly, yeah, sort of like that…pure awesome).
Anyway, I love this because no one wants to talk about this at all. My hubs and I have a GREAT marriage, but the sex is so not there anymore with the 11 month old and the PPD and the busy, busy, busy, and then the TIRED. So this is a wonderful post.
Thank you so much!
Great post. A topic too important to just let slip. For sure.
I liked–but did not see my comment–did it not go through y'all?
hey.. since you brought up your issue with sex, and i have exactly the same symptoms (minus 3 children) including nursing, i looked up estrogen based lubricants.. and progesterone creams. do you know the difference? im going to ask my doctor about it, but it sounds like progesterone levels out estrogen/progesterone levels. my husband and i have been having this issue well before i got pregnant, so any advice would help.
great post btw, im going to start following your blog
I love Kit! She is so effing hilarious!
I have to agree with the ol' "sex begets sex" theory too. I've found that to be very true.
Kit and Jackie,
I had the same problem with pain after just having my first baby 5 months ago! And let me tell you the pain was worse than the childbirth. The only time I absolutely balled my eyes out during sex. And the Estrogen cream DID wonders! Thankfully my regular OB was smart enough to realize this because the first doctor I saw about the issue tried telling me I was to small and handed me a bag of four different sized dildos he wanted me to wear around the house for 3-4 hours at a time for 3-4 weeks! I told him he was crazy, demanded to see my regular OB and within 4 days my husband and I could have sex with very little pain!
Jackie – point being ALWAYS remember to listen to YOUR body and heart you know what is best for you. And be willing to see a different doctor if you are not happy with the answer.
Kit – Thanks for the post. I hate that others would ever feel that pain, but it is great to know that I am not alone.
I can count on one hand the number of times that my husband and I have had sex since our son was born, over 8 months ago. It has been like that for a while, too. I am surprised that we were able to conceive for the amount of times we have sex.
I definitely have a higher sex drive than my husband. I used to attempt to initiate sex all the time with him but after getting shot down over and over again, I didn't feel like putting myself out there. So our foreplay became me turning to him while sitting on the couch and asking him, "Wanna have sex?" to which he more often than not replied no and complained that he didn't want to have sex that way, he wanted it to just happen. But he was never interested in making it 'just happen' and neither was I, after being shot down over and over and over again – I was beginning to develop a complex!
So now we just don't have sex and we don't talk about how we don't have sex. And I think we're both fooling ourselves that our marriage is fine without sex. But I don't know what to do at this point. Talking doesn't seem to help anything.
Thank you Kit! You are always honest and open about things I would never have the balls to ask about. I've been a longtime follower of your fun tweets. My husband always says I should be "that kind of bigger", lol! I'll have to talk to my OB about the estrogen cream, childbirth and breastfeeding have killed my sexy ; )
Kit- AWESOME. It's so true.
Awesome post Kit, just AWESOME. I had no idea there was such a thing as estrogen based lubricant, but it sounds like the nectar of the gods, and I must get my hands on it immediately. In fact, I don't even know why I'm still commenting when what I should obviously be doing is DIALING MY OB.
My marriage is strong, but I miss painless sex. Plain and simple. That, and my jaw is really starting to hurt.
Holla! Thanks for sharing that there is hope for sex again and often. I'd write more but I'm not so anonymous and really who wants to hear about my sex life?
Blair,
Thanks for introducing Kit to me! She's a pretty cool chick and I really think I'm liking her!
I can totally identify with this post (minus 3 kids). My husband and I just resumed our bedroom activities it's probably been a year since we've had sex. First he was uncomfortable having sex while I was pregnant. After our son was born I had a hard recovery from an unplanned c section. I've just started to feel like myself recently. When we finally made time for each other I kept wondering why we waited so long. We are still working on timing but it's nice to have a little part of our pre-baby life back.
Thank you for the link to this lady's blogging site. Will surely follow her.
Wait, there's such a thing as estrogen based lubracant??!?! Why haven't I heard of this earlier? I've been breastfeeding for over 7 months now, and it still feels as if my husband has been wrapping the peen in sandpaper. Need OB appointment STAT.
I've been following Kit for a while. She really is an inspiration, so much so that I have a post about making time for sex ready to go. Looks like I've been beaten to the punch today.
Thanks Kit for showing your serious side and giving us the chance to get to know you a bit more. We're so the same over here – once you make time for it, then start having it, you want it more and more. Great stuff for keeping the marriage glue sticky. 
Wish I knew about the lubricant when I desperately needed it. I'll be posting my story in the next day or so. It's great to hear Kit, and others, have that sexless time in their pasts too.