As a blogger/writer/whatever you want to call me as long as it’s nice, I get a lot of inspiration from other bloggers. What they say, what they’re feeling. When they’re strong enough to step forward, it oddly gives me a sense of strength. & AllisonO hit the nail on the head of something that’s been nagging at me for a long time now.
MOTHERHOOD IS NOT WHAT I WAS PREPARED FOR.
Do I regret becoming a mother? Absolutely not. But it’s not what I expected, not what I dreamed. In some ways, it’s fallen flat from my expectations. & I don’t even know WHAT those expectations were past a baby that snuggled into my neck & a few tears. Maybe i’s the PPD talking. Maybe that’s just the truth behind another lie of motherhood.
At first, I felt a lot of shame at this. Humiliation. Crippling anger at myself. When a commentor dared to say, “Face it, motherhood isn’t what you expected & you hate it & it’s your fault” (or something along those lines), I was ten seconds away from leaping through the computer & ripping her face off. I was OUTRAGED. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR MOTHERHOOD?! HOW DARE YOU, BITCH? YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.
I was pissed. I’m still pissed that someone said it because even though I’m admitting it, it’s kind of like a nickname. It’s only okay when certain people say it. LIKE ME & NOBODY ELSE.
I was so not prepared for motherhood. & now that I’ve said it, I kind of hate myself. I’m supposed to LOVE motherhood & gush about how IN LOVE I am with my child. But as much as I love Harrison & love being a mother & feel this weird sense of I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR for growing this human being & keeping him alive for almost 8 months, I still feel like I was lied to by other mother’s.
It’s not that I thought it would be 24/7 picnics & skipping & lollipops & unicorns that fart magic fairy dust that makes puppies fly. But I didn’t think I’d have a baby that screamed at me all day. I didn’t think I’d have moments where I wished I could just put him in a cage with toys & walk away for an hour. I didn’t think I would wind up in the hospital being sedated to sleep. I didn’t think that I’d have so many moments where I just felt like, “OH MY GOD, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t WANT to do this anymore.”
So many mother’s want to moan about lack of sleep. Or spit-up in the hair. Or tripping over ugly toys. Yeah, it sucks to stump your toe on Fisher Price & it’s weird to wash green beans out of your hair. But why don’t we talk about the moments when we just don’t want to do it anymore?! Why do we keep lying & pasting on smiles & saying everything is perfect instead of just saying, “You know what? I love him. But last night while he was splashing in the tub, I just didn’t want to be there.”
It’s not that I had a particular place/thing that I wanted to be or be doing. But I didn’t want motherhood in that moment. The burden of bathing him, dressing him, OMG was that duck he has in his mouth Cloroxed from the time he shit the duck?! I didn’t want the waring, bittersweet feeling of laying him down at night, knowing I’ll oddly miss him while he sleeps but thankful that I get a moment of quiet. Sometimes, it’s just too much.
I’m sure you want me to say, “I didn’t want to be there, but there’s no where else I’d rather be” or something trite to end this. I wish I could. But that would continue the lie. Because I wasn’t prepared for this aspect of motherhood. & I don’t want anyone else to feel lied to.
Or alone in this feeling.
Thank you for writing this. When people would ask me "Isn't being a mom the greatest thing?" I wanted to look at them point blank and say "no, I'm tired of it, I want a refund!" But, instead, I'd smile and shake my head yes. My OB made a great observation in the OR that was later brought up at one of my PPD appointments. He said "I noticed that when you'd come for your prenatals, you'd get emotional, but when I delivered your baby, you weren't." And he's right. I didn't cry with overjoyment when they pulled him out. I just kind of laid there like "oh shit, this is real and I have to do this now."
9 months and some meds later, things are getting better. I don't feel like I am Mother of the Year – never will be. But, my son is clothed, fed, played with and is safe. That's all that matters in the end.
I'd also like to comment that I do not have PPD so that part of the post I can't relate to. However many of the other things you said, I can def relate too.
I do not have PPD, and I definitely feel like this at times.
You're not alone. As if you need ANOTHER comment to tell you this. I love my son. I'm so thankful for him. I love watching him grow, and play, and learn something new every day. But it's not anything I expected. I didn't expect farting unicorns either, but it still not….. Something, I don't know what….
Some days I'm at the top of my game with this whole Mommy thing. Some days, almost a year later, I still don't know WTF I'm doing, why I thought I was ready to try this, or how to MAKE THE CRYING STOP FOR FIVE MINUTES, PLEASE LORD. I have never felt that I don't want him, or want to be a Mommy. I just wonder why I thought I was "ready" and could "handle everything just fine". During those tough times of non-stop crying and three (intermitten) hours of sleep a night caused by an ear infection (our current beast to wrangle), I just keep silently reminding myself of how much I love him, and how badly I wanted him, and how grateful I am that he's MY son, and how in a few days (when the antibiotic kicks in) we'll get past the crying and sleeplessness. And then I cuddle and rock him and sing some more.
Alos, I think those Moms who say they have it all figured out, they never feel like this, the ones who swear their unicorns not only fart, but shit flying puppies, who say motherhood is exactly how they imagined it and so much more… They are BIG FAT LIARS. To themselves and the whole world. No one has it figured out, EVER. Even moms with ten kids have no clue sometimes, because each kid is different. To make claims to the contrary is to lie to yourself and the world.
And to think, I didn't have a baby with reflux, colic, or anything like that. I've been blessed to not have PPD. So I can imagine some moms out there feel like me, times ten thousand some days.
I'd rather be an honest mom than a "plastic" mom. You know, one who never bats an eyelash, who pretends life and mommyhood and family is perfect all the time.
I know exactly what you mean. I love my son. I cannot see my life without him – and I don't want to. But motherhood is not the way I imagined it would be. I think it had a bit of romance/mystery/glamor to it before, and now I realize that there is no room for that when you are a mother.
Today is my son's first birthday. And even though I've had a whole year to get used to this new role, I still have a LOT of moments when I think, "I just can't do this today" or "I want to run away." Things like that.
At the same time, I have learned so much about love and family and all that other stuff this year. I do wish that Americans would stop waxing poetic about motherhood. Some aspects of it really suck, and there really isn't enough support out there. No one tells you how fucking isolating it is. I don't know if it's the same way when you're a working mom, but I do know that the SAHM world is one of extreme isolation.
I think you're doing a great job. You're not alone in what you feel.
Wow, you really hit the nail on the head. I feel kind of guilty that I can completely relate to everything you wrote.
EvieBugMama, on June 8th, 2010 at 2:30 pm Said:
I’m really surprised by what I’m reading here. I know your experience is colored by the lens of PPD – and I can understand that. I am stunned though, at how unhappy so many of the comments seem.
Like Liz and Erin, I cannot relate to these feelings. Have I had totally crappy days due exclusively to parenthood? You bet. Have I had totally crappy days due to my job? Sure. Due to my relationships/husband/marriage? Yep. Due to my (insert other adult responsibility here – home ownership, bills, parents/siblings, etc)? Definitely.
I guess what I am surprised by is the notion that other mothers are perpetuating a lie simply because they are not pointing out the obvious: that parenthood, like adulthood, has some seriously crappy moments. Yes, some days are full of suck. Most are not. Yes, you do lose a lot of “me” time. And yes, sometimes you just want to walk (run?) away from that reality. But just like the urge to quit your job just because your boss bitched at you yesterday passes, so does the idea of running away from your child because you wanted some down time.
I can’t say how it feels if you have PPD – because I was fortunate enough not to have it. So for sure YMMV – and I *do* understand that. I’m just saddened by how many comments (from what I assume are not PPD suffers in most cases) seem bummed out at their choice to have kids.
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This totally. Honestly I was probably the most selfish person I know before having a baby, and there are some days where I wish I could just take a break for a few hours of me time, but other than that I feel like I could poop rainbows of happiness all day long. And I resent people who say that I'm lying about being that happy.
OMG, thank you for this freakin post!!! It explains EXACTLY how I feel, spot on. And I don't have PPD so it's not just that!
I didn't expect it to be happy happy all the time, but my God, I didn't expect for my one year old to slap my in the face and yell and cry at me all day long either.
I think our generation has issues because our parents and their parents didn't talk about this stuff. We didn't see this kind of thing when we were going up, you know? I'm not blaming them, I'm just saying life was different then.
The more we all talk about it, the less inadequate we will all feel.
When you say you didn't expect the screaming, I know exactly what you are saying.
Nobody talks about colic, and if they do they just say oh the baby had colic so I couldn't ever get anything done. Blah Blah.
They don't talk about the emotions and the battles within that can result from it.
There were so many times I wished I could escape and work, I'm a SAHM and my husband was ALWAYS working. I had zero support around me. I couldn't just put her down and walk away for a minute. I didn't expect that at all.
Now that I'm through it, it's hard but it's ok. You aren't alone and I think new mothers need to know that!
You are NOT alone. I remember shortly after my daughter was born someone said "Don't you just LOVE being a mom?". Of course I said yes, but I really wanted to say no, definitely no. I was so tired I wanted to throw up and I felt like total crap. My entire life I've wanted to be a mother….even a stay-at-home mother (which I do). But there are definitely days when I'm done and don't want to do it any more. It's not that I'm a bad mom, and it's not that my daughter is a bad daughter…it's just not what I expected. Thanks for being honest…it helps me know I'm not alone!
Blair, Please Please Please read Mother Shock. It's wonderful!
It totally talks about all these feelings that you weren't expecting to feel. I think you would really like it!
I don't have children yet- but eventually I'm thinking about it…and what I see on a daily basis (thankyou FaceBook!) are new mom's exclaiming " I love mommyhood, this is amazing, I love this I love that" while posting 6035 kajillion pictures of their child dressed their best, looking adorable- and I think it's all a facade- it's just ONE more thing that makes motherhood seem amazing ALL the time- and the more I see it, the more I think it's a cry of desperation from these women to feel validated and whole, because if their child is SO CUTE and all, then those feelings of failure aren't SO bad.
I also think the media loves to flaunt pregnancy as the latest "in" thing with the stars and their well-dressed bumps- but they don't show pictures of the bedraggled mom movie star with spit up on her shoulder and hair unwashed. Probably because she has a nanny.
Anyway, I'm not trying to go on a tirade here- but I think it's a combination of women not being truthful and humble enough to say to other women that it sucks sometimes, because we're too concerned with LOOKING GOOD, and the media just making it worse by glamorizing motherhood.
And that's all I have to say about that! LOL
Thank you so much for saying this. Some nights, even when the baby is being good and cute and smiley, I still just don’t want to be there. I don’t want to spend half an hour feeding him pureed yams while he distractedly looks at everything but the freakin spoon. I don’t want to sing to him and distract him when I take him out of the tub so he won’t cry at being cold. Usually when I put him down to bed at night, I feel such relief at closing that door and knowing that I’m off duty for the night. Some days I just don’t want to do it anymore.
I’ve had a lot of the same thoughts about people don’t tell the truth about what motherhood is like. Its the same with pregnancy, no one tells you the truth about what that’s like either.
Since I had my son 3 months ago, I decided that I’ll tell people exactly what I think about it, good or bad (and so far I’ve had a lot of pissy feelings about it without the PPD and colic) and I have no shame in telling them because I think of it as my public service! I also figure I don’t sugar coat anything else, why should I start with this.
ElleJay, on June 8th, 2010 at 5:04 pm Said:
EvieBugMama, on June 8th, 2010 at 2:30 pm Said:
I’m really surprised by what I’m reading here. I know your experience is colored by the lens of PPD – and I can understand that. I am stunned though, at how unhappy so many of the comments seem.
Like Liz and Erin, I cannot relate to these feelings. Have I had totally crappy days due exclusively to parenthood? You bet. Have I had totally crappy days due to my job? Sure. Due to my relationships/husband/marriage? Yep. Due to my (insert other adult responsibility here – home ownership, bills, parents/siblings, etc)? Definitely.
I guess what I am surprised by is the notion that other mothers are perpetuating a lie simply because they are not pointing out the obvious: that parenthood, like adulthood, has some seriously crappy moments. Yes, some days are full of suck. Most are not. Yes, you do lose a lot of “me” time. And yes, sometimes you just want to walk (run?) away from that reality. But just like the urge to quit your job just because your boss bitched at you yesterday passes, so does the idea of running away from your child because you wanted some down time.
I can’t say how it feels if you have PPD – because I was fortunate enough not to have it. So for sure YMMV – and I *do* understand that. I’m just saddened by how many comments (from what I assume are not PPD suffers in most cases) seem bummed out at their choice to have kids.
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This totally. Honestly I was probably the most selfish person I know before having a baby, and there are some days where I wish I could just take a break for a few hours of me time, but other than that I feel like I could poop rainbows of happiness all day long. And I resent people who say that I’m lying about being that happy.
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I'm in this (minority) boat.
I think it is also about expectations. If you expect up front that your baby will be all cuddles and no cries, and breastfeeding will go smoothly, and your child won't be colicky, etc, then when you experience anything differently, you're disappointed. For me, I talked with a lot of new mothers and expected the worst based on their tales of brand-new mommyhood; and when the bad things didn't ALL happen, I was so happy and it seemed somehow easier, or better than I expected.
But I also agree that society has perpetuated an image of perfect mothers that we all often feel we have to live up to. I feel that pressure at times, and I think mothers judge other mothers sometimes (just recently when I was talking to a woman at work and mentioned I was excited for DD to go to whole milk b/c it was cheaper than formula she said "Well, one way to fix that: why don't you breastfeed?" This woman did not know me well, did not know my story or all the issues I had had with breastfeeding, etc, but absolutely made a judgement about me as a mother…sigh).
Thanks for the honest post; I do think that we sometimes sugarcoat things, although I hope that as a mom, when I tell others that I am in love with DD, or that motherhood is even better than I imagined that they don't write it off as fluff or lies, because for me, that truly has been my experience. I hope it gets better for you! I think we're all human and have our days and moments when things aren't happy or fun. Bottom line is you love your child and are doing your best and this IS enough!
anyone who says they never wanted out is lying. i am convinced of it. even if it was just for a nano-second. I know i've only been at this for 11 months, but there are VERY distinct times that I just want to run away. And I LOVE my family. I have the fairytale feelings. but I also have the "dear god get me AWAY" feelings. who doesn't?
Great post. I love how honest you are.
I, too, am saddened at how many people relate to this. I understand sometimes being overwhelmed with the crying. But to constantly want to escape basic childcare duties? After being gone for hours while at work?
I honestly mean no disrespect by this, but please, everyone that responded in agreement, give serious thought to ever having a second baby. It's far more than twice the work/annoyance/stress/chaos. I look back on my days with one baby and crave the quiet, the freedom, and the downtime I had then. If you dislike so much about the day-to-day routine of mothering one child then you would really be miserable with more.
Obviously, nothing is sunshine and rainbows all the time. But motherhood is a JOB, just like any other. The stakes are just much higher than most other jobs. Generations ago, it was assumed that babies needed their mothers. Today, we have 'the choice' but I sometimes wonder when it became an acceptable idea that we could chose to give our babies less than everything?
I'm sorry you feel lied to, but I think the most important thing we can do as mothers is to think about how YOU would like your life to be if you were your child. Would you want a mom that wishes she were somewhere else while she cares for you? Or is thrilled to put your to sleep for the night? We're all able to mold our lives into something that makes us happy. Sometimes it's just time to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and put others first.
I love my son. Truly I do. But I think while EVERY mother loves her child, EVERY mother also feels unprepared, overwhelmed, and wants out. Not 24/7, but sometimes. It is a huge life change to go from pre-kids to having kids. You are not alone.
P.S. You rock.
I'm a new commentor but you hit a home run with this post. I was diagnosed with PPD when my daughter was 4 months old, and I just want to say that I hear you loud and clear. Everything you've typed in regards to PPD has run true with me and I just want to know that it has helped me to know that I"m not alone in my thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for sharing your journey (and adorable son) with me.
"This post is very interesting to me, I can’t relate. I have a demanding job, and I feel like every extra moment I can eek out is precious. I may have an irrational anxiety perhaps to the opposite. I can’t spend an evening out without taking a day off of work, I exercise at rediculous hours because I can’t handle it cutting into my time w my child and I’m already stressing about a vacation next year without him. I always wonder if age has an impact. I’m 33 and was married 9 years before we had a baby. I personally wasn’t ready at 26. I had a lot of travelling and happy hours that I needed to get out of my system. Now that I’m older, I definitely desire to be at home more and not have a frenetic social life. I’m not saying yours is age, I just know I personally wasn’t ready in my 20s."
I could have written this myself, and I have to wonder if your age has something to do with it. My sis had her kids at 24 (is now 32) and is feeling like she has missed out on a lot and is slightly resentful of her kids, which is terrible.
I am 33 and was 100% ready- we had been married 4 years, traveled around the world, had our fill of weekends at the bars, LOL. I don't have the easiest baby, but I never feel like I wish I could leave, etc. I also don't feel like I was lied to by other moms. I adore my son, and my only regret is that I don't get to spend more time with him. Are there times when I can't wait for him to go to bed? Or look forward to a night out? Of course, but I miss him and can't wait to see him in the AM. I think about him a lot at work and get choked up thinking about how blessed we are to be his parents. My point is, not all moms feel the way you do…I think the PPD has a big part in this and I hope you can get the treatment/medicine that you need to feel "normal" again. *Hugs*
You aren't alone. Not at ALL.
My Grandma has a saying: "Motherhood's the pits, and that's on a good day."
Someday I'll go back and read all these comments (because honestly, I'm really interested to know how other mom's feel about this!) because I'm dealing with my own 1 month old screaming baby now. But if anyone is running you down for feeling this way, honey, don't listen to them! Who WANTS to have a baby scream in their face (or ear…or claw at their neck…or yank on their hair)? Who doesn't feel anger when the kid is up for the 3rd time that night? Who enjoys being chained to the bathtub from 7-7:30 every night when she'd rather clean the kitchen/read a blog/put her feet up/cuddle with her husband?
Motherhood is hard work, and frankly, the baby stage is all work with no pay off! Yes, toothless smiles and chubby arms reaching up for you can melt your heart…but it gets a lot better when a preschooler is able to say, "I love you, Mommy."
Hang tough, sweetie, and if you ever want company with this–just read my blog!
Oh Blair, I have a book you must read… I'm reading it now and it's seriously life-changing for me as a mother. It's called Perfect Madness by Judith Warner and it's all about the myths of motherhood, the cultural pressure on women to be perfect mothers, the "caught by the throat feeling" that so many of us have. It is so, so good. I wish I could give it to every mother I know.
And also, *hugs.*
While i respect your honesty and appreciate how important it is to put the BS aside and say it like it is, especially when talking about PPD, I have to disagree with some of these comments. I have truly, from the bottom of my heart, 100% NEVER wanted out. EVER! I have wanted children for as long as I can remember and since being blessed with our first child there has never been one single moment that I didn't want to be there…middle of the night feedings, cranky baby moments, poopie explosions, etc… She is a baby and I don't blame her for needing me to do everything for her and I don't blame myself for not being able to figure out what it is she needs sometimes. I feel as though I was fully prepared for motherhood. I feel whole now that I am a mother. And I can't wait to have more children. Not everyone was lying to you
That being said, I do not suffer from PPD . And until recently PPD was not openly talked about so there are many who feel guilty or don't know what to make of thoughts like the ones you describe in this post. You should be so proud of yourself for bringing awareness to such an important subject!
Ok, so you given that there are million comments already, you probably won't end up at mine for weeks (if ever!) but I wanted to say two things:
1. You are stronger and more powerful than you think, and the fact that you are fighting through all of this means that while motherhood may not live up to your expectations, you're taking it by the horns.
2. I think a lot (LOTLOTLOT) of what you're feeling is the PPD. Motherhood is hard, yes, but that's no secret. Sleep deprivation is a torture method for a reason as we say in our house. But the fact that you feel more lows and burdens than highs or joys I think speaks more to the insidious, horrible disease that is PPD than it does about "motherhood". PPD BLOWS. It sounds, from what I've read of your blog, that it sort of snuck up on you too, and that it took a whlle for you to get diagnosed, and honey, if that doesn't color everything you think about motherhood up to this point, I don't know what does.
Man, I remember in those first few weeks – after my husband went back to work and my mom stopped coming to help – when I would be holding the baby ALL DAY or else he would cry, and I thought to myself that I just wanted someone to take him away so I could sleep. And shower. And eat. I loved him and all but oh my God he was much harder than I expected. Sometimes I would have this tingly, panicky feeling in my chest because if I thought too hard about it I realized I had no effing idea what I was doing! How did they let me come home with a baby?
I never was fully PPD but there were days when my husband would come home and I would just cry and cry because I hadn't gotten anything done all day, the house was a mess, and I knew I'd up all night with the baby. Ugh, even now I get sick to my stomach thinking about it.
Now I do sometimes wish I could do things like we did before he was here – travel on a whim, go out to dinner without worrying about a babysitter, do stuff with friends at the drop of a hat and not have to deal with the freaking pump . . .
And I try to tell all the pregnant moms I know because I don't want them to feel tricked the way we did.
I am so happy you finally posted an honest post about this. I am disappointed to read the comments from other mothers looking down on you and the other commenters for understanding where you are coming from. You can feel fulfilled and happy with your new life but highly doubt you never have a bad day when you wish you were anywhere else but with your baby. If you say you haven't felt like this, you are lying. I love my daughter. I love her more than anything, but somedays she just drives me nuts. This is like every other person I love in my life, sometimes I just need a break from them. It doesn't mean I love then less or that I don't value my relationship with them.
When I first had my daughter, I honestly thought to myself that we had made a mistake. I never thought I would sit here 7 months later thinking "It got easier." I wasn't disillusioned. I knew it would be hard at times. That didn't make me feel any better that I had been prepared. Having my daughter was the best decision I ever made but it was also the most difficult, challenging and wearing. Please don't let the judging mothers on her shake you Blair. They are the ones who are lying to themselves. No one had 365 good days a year where they aren't silently begging for just a little break and some "me" time.
I read through all 100 and some of these comments and there was barely a handful of them that couldn't relate to what you are saying and I'm another one of them. I went through hell and back for my daughter, I have never wanted out of being a mother or regretted having her. I honestly look forward to every single day, every moment I have with her. She is a wonderful baby, but she does not sleep, I run on maybe a few broken up hours of sleep a day and she's almost 10 months old. I am pretty tired most days but I have a wonderful husband and a loving helpful family to help me through the days where I'm so tired I can barely function. If I go somewhere I want to go somewhere with her, and my husband, as a family. She is my life. I live for her. You have reached out for help with your PPD and are on the right path to recovery. You are brave to have written your true feelings and you are not a bad person for these feelings and clearly you are not alone.
I think this blog draws a big ppd suffering audience and that may be part of the disparity. I am not lying, I have never wanted out and I'm the happiest I've ever been. You can be happy and not be lying. And I think blair benefits from hearing this, so she recognizes the impacts of ppd and has hope for the future.
I'm a mother of 3 and at least once a day I'd love to put my kids in a cage with toys and walk away for an hour or two or three. Kids are great, but exhausting. I love my kids, but … theyy drive me crazy pretty much ALL the time. Hang in there. I just try to get through each day.
I am thankful for this post and the comments because I definitely feel less alone knowing so many other people feel this way. I have posted before that I felt guilty for not instantly falling in love at first sight with my baby and for feeling overwhelmed and wanting to run away. Now that my daughter is 10 months, things really are improving, but there are still days where I just want the freedom to do what I want – to not have to chase her around the house all day or to be able to go out or take a weekend away. I know it will get easier to do these things when she's older, but it's hard in the meantime to not feel trapped sometimes.
To the person who says people are lying if they say they've never wanted out, I want to say that you're wrong. I'm 8 months in and I've never, not for one nanosecond, wanted out, or regretted having a child. And I don't think I ever will.
Like the poster who said she is so happy she could "poop rainbows," that's how I feel. And I don't say that (in my second comment on this post) to rub it in to people who don't feel this way – but I feel like the comments on there are so very tipped toward the depressing side and I don't think that's a true illustration of all moms in real life. At least, I really, really hope not.
My friends all lied to me about motherhood. But I can't confront them about in case they didn't lie, and their lives really are puppies and rainbows 24/7. I'm afraid that out of everyone I know with kids, I am the only one who feels the way I do.
It kinda bugs me some of the negative comments. I know we're not "friends", but I am on the defense for you.
I had my baby boy and didn't immediatley fall inlove. I didn't even feel like a mother. Maybe the c-sec? I left the hospital and it was just me, my hubs who went into a sleep coma, and this little human totally dependant upon me.
He wouldn't eat. He would cry. He wouldn't poop. He would spit up. He would sleep all the time. All the while I had no idea what I was doing.
I have days still where I am surrounded by this cloud. I have days I get out of bed and think "I don't want to do this today" but does that make me a bad mother? Heck no. That makes me normal and honest.
And when I read other mothers telling the TRUTH it puts me at ease. Maybe I'm not crazy.
Maybe the reason you don't hear people say that they feel this exact way is because they don't. Motherhood is hard, no doubt about that, I have twins and I know it's work, but I always am right where I want to be with them. I agree with most of what you say and sympathize, but I think a lot of times your PPD is a crutch to use to come out and say what you are feeling, although I believe those are your feelings and TONS of mothers feel that way, I think that it is not really YOU talking, it's the PPD. I know you will get to a content, happy place eventually, I know it will happen for you, because you are so raw and honest with yourself and I can see you working towards it… I hope you get there girl.
I think you can be happy as a mother and not want out and feel content with your life and not be lying. I know a lot of people on here feel the same way and it is probably nice to know you aren't alone in what you are feeling. But there is hope, because a lot of mothers don't have to lie when they say they are happy and that doesn't make them better mothers, but it also doesn't make them liars who don't tell the truth to others about their experience.
Blair, I hope you can see that your PPD is talking a lot lately and I hope you can make it to the other side.
I am really trying my hardest to wrap my head around this post and so many of the responses. I want to understand, but I just can't and it breaks my heart that so many mothers are feeling this way.
My life is not puppies and rainbows, my son had extreme colic and reflux. He woke every 1-2 hours around the clock for several months and was impossible to put down to bed. I would fall to my knees in tears from pure utter exhaustion. But still, I have such a difficult time relating to what you are saying. My niece died of SIDS. Every time I look at my son, I am thankful for him and the life I gave him. Sure, I like to have some downtime, or a night out with friends, or a date night with the hubby. But I always miss my son when I'm away, and I want nothing more in life than to be his mother.
I didn't know if I should post this or not. It's not to say "I'm better" in anyway at all. As I read through your post and the replies I tried to have some sort of understanding, and I appreciate all of the honesty. I am trying to process all of it in my head and understand. I wish only the best for you and all of the mom's out there.
I love you Blair!
I have PPD. I am still on medication a year after the birth. PPD sucks. it robbed me of the pleasure of my boy/girl twins in the beginning. I was terrified of being alone with them and could not bond with them. I love them loads now, but miss my old life EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of EVERY SINGLE DAY. who wouldnt miss being free, doing anything you wanted anytime you wanted? Yes I know that wasn't really teh case since you had a job, but a job is only 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. the rest of the week was mine to do with as I pleased. However having children is work all the time!
You know what I really want? a nanny to take care of them 24/7 while I just play with them when they are all smiley and stuff. There, I have said it.
I have been reading some comments of the ladies who say this has been everything they hoped for and more. Good for you, you are very lucky. However can you please comment about that elsewhere? We certainly don't need to hear this, it just makes us feel worse about ourselves as mothers.
Thank you
First off, why am I here? I swore I would stop reading. Second, Here I am and here you have it
Who the HELL are all you people hanging out with that painted motherhood as some cake walk through heaven with a nine dollar latte in a perfectly manicured hand, while you walk your well adjusted, well groomed, potty trained since birth child to their perfect daycare so you can go get in a little more "me" time before your husband comes home to ravage your perfect body?
Parenting is the most difficult MOST REWARDING challenge I think we ever go through as adults. It's full of trial, tribulations, crying, laughing, self doubting, growing, learning, loving, hating and some more crying. Oh, and crying. And, laughing.
It goes fast. It goes from gross belly buttoned-newborn to smart mouth 2.5 year old in a blink of an eye. And you find yourself wanting it all back. Wanting a chance to do it over again, and again, and again. And wondering what you were thinking every time you did it over again. But still doing it over and over again.
I had no illusions about motherhood. I was not excited for either of my babies to come out. I went to 42 weeks with my first because I was THAT unprepared for what was about to unfold. I asked the Dr's if they could leave him in there until his Senior prom! I wasn't kidding though. I didn't want him to come out. I wasn't excited, I was TERRIFIED.
And he had colic, and it lasted 8 months. And he had night terrors, and they still go on. And he didn't STTN until 15 months old. And he had to get tubes and had 7 back to back to back double ear infections that led to tubes. And he had a tooth knocked out at daycare. And he's been hurt multiple times. And he's tested every last ounce of patience I have.
And, I still did it again in November. And, I'll do it all over again in a few years.
Because I am NOT ashamed to admit I LOVE BEING A MOM. I love the juggle, the struggle, the blood sweat and tears that i put into making these little boys into young men.
There are moments where I just want to be on a secluded beach fucking my husbands brains out…. but not in exchange for my kids. Not as a substitute for motherhood. I would still want that if I had no kids. Because we all daydream. We all step out of reality for a moment.
Not every thought that we have, not every crazy fucking thought that we have needs to be said out loud. This is why I hate therapy. It makes you say shit out loud and I personally, I'm a fan of keeping it to myself because I do know how unappreciative and selfish I sound when I say something that maybe shouldn't be said just because it was thought.
I never lied to anyone. I recall on the bump warning PLENTY of moms to be what they were in for. But you know what? They didn't want to hear it. Because their kid would be different. They would be a different mom. Their kid was entering THEIR world and would acclimate accordingly. They wouldn't be the mom with spit up on her shirt, eating freezer prepped dinners, with grey roots as long as Don Kings , wondering how the hell they got in this mess. Nope. They'd be perfect. They'd have the perfect nursery, perfect furniture, perfectly hung pictures on the walls, perfectly folded onesies, perfectly packed diaper bag and hospital bag.. and no one would hear me when I'd say, NONE OF THIS SHIT MATTERS when that kid comes out. You're fucked. We're all fucked. And it's all worth it. And we take it for granted and miss some of the best moments in our babies life because we're too busy worrying about this myth called 'me' time.
I would love to read a post on what some of you all THOUGHT being a mom entailed.
hmm, somewhat disappointed at others comments, it's kinda sad that there are other mothers that think that just because there is a happy mother that she is lying.
Trust me ladies, SOME mothers do love their babies and don't ever want out… and no, it's not a deep dark feeling they have never expressed..it's just not a feeling they have had.
Motherhood is a job, but if you are at work all day and then don't even want to come home to your baby for a few hour of basic infant care, please only have one.
You may not be alone in what you are feeling, but that just means there are other women out there that shouldn't have more children. Stop making comments by prefacing it with, "I love my baby and would do anything for them… but…" You wouldn't do anything for them, and you don't. Period. It doesn't make it better to say you would. now if anything, THAT is the lie being told tonight.
I won't say LIED TO. I'll say MYTH.
MYTH: Don't worry….you won't throw up all 9mo.
REALITY: Puking for 40wks straight, nearly dying, and having to tote an IV pole around with me.
MYTH: Once you have the baby, you'll forget all of the bad stuff.
REALITY: My body is so busted from being pregnant, I need a blood transfusion, I'll likely never walk normally again, thanks to SPD, and I have to take daily injections and pills to keep basic nutrients like Vitamin D and B12 in me because, with the way my iron is, my heart could stop.
MYTH: The sleepless nights don't last.
REALITY: My 2yr old hasn't slept more than 2hrs in a row since she was 7mo old. I can count on 1 hand the number of nights I've slept more than 2hrs since that time.
MYTH: Being a SAHM is this awesome thing and I should be tickled pink that I can do it.
REALITY: Yes, with 1 kid. More difficult with 2 kids. With 3 kids, all 2 and under, I felt like I was running a daycare and it sucked. I went back to work and happily trot out of my house at noon 3 days a week to work the night shift.
MYTH: Regaining your pre-pregnancy body – literally, walking out of the hospital in your regular jeans – and having a crazy high sex drive while cooking shit from the Pioneer Woman's cookbook, keeping the house spotless, and making sure you shower daily will keep your marriage healthy.
REALITY: Husband, despite all of this, decides to troll chat lines for other women.
MYTH: It's hard to stay in shape after kids.
REALITY: It's damn near impossible to eat anything other than a jar of friggin' puffs (I LOVE me some Cherry puffs!) when you have 3 in diapers, 1 potty training, 1 who isn't walking, 1 who can't feed themselves, 1 who doesn't sleep, ever, 3 who never nap, 3 who can't stand being more than inch away from you, and laundry…I swear another family is dropping off their laundry because I can't believe it's all mine. Starvation is worse than sleep deprivation, to me.
So, I don't necessarily feel lied to. I do, however, think most of the stuff people say to appease pregnant women or new moms is a load of shit, to be blunt. No, your morning sickness may not go away at 12wks. No, your screaming 8wk old may NOT start magically sleeping through the night at 12wks. In fact, you might still be up all night with a 2yr old. And that, my friends, sucks in so many different ways. Your kid may develop a condition like torticollis and you may be spending 3 days a week in physical therapy….with a 1yr old who screams the entire time you're trying to work with the physical therapist on your younger child – an infant who hates PT.
A lot of people don't have "help". I don't have family. My friends either work or are hours away from me. There is no huge support network to give me a break. My husband is useless. The loneliness and feeling of isolation and sheer abandonment, coupled with not sleeping (and I'm not talking some whiny bitch, wah, my 6mo old only slept 4hrs last night, I'm talking haven't put head to pillow in DAYS) and not eating for days and listening to your toddler say Cereal Bar over and over again, and having your youngest squeal a sound that doesn't even sound human to your ears anymore, and having your middle, at almost 2, scream like someone is attacking her every 2hrs through the night……if you EXPECTED that…..then, hell, my hat's off to you because you're clearly more evolved than I am.
I missed my old life, as well. Finally, now that I'm back to work, I feel normal again. Am I enjoying being a mother more? No. Maybe that will come with time. However, as a person – and I am still a PERSON – I am 100x better than I was before I went back to work. I am still home with them most of the time. I work nights, so I feel like it's "the best of both worlds". Most of my hours are during their "bedtime" (I use the term loosely because, really, nobody sleeps). I feel like a part of me that's been dead for 3yrs is alive again.
I don't think it's ever what we expect. But, most of the stuff people spew out is bullshit. I just got home from my night shift. It's 11:30pm. My 2yr old is up screaming, so I get to pull night shift #2. Then, I get to start my day at 5:30am, lucky if I managed to doze for an hour. I haven't eaten anything but Sun Chips all day. I also have to give myself a shot of B12 to try and maintain a level in my system where I can semi-function without feeling like passing out. Like I said, if this is what you expect, then you were obviously reading books I wasn't!
Thank you for writing this! I linked you in my post because you inspired me to tell how I felt about this subject. I thought I was alone, but I realize that I'm not.
My post
Thanks
I'd like to know where people read "I regret being a mom." That was no where in this post.
Look, just because we're all Moms, that doesn't mean we all feel exactly the same way about motherhood. Each of us has our own personalities and each of us handles stress differently.
If Blair was a guy talking about how FATHERHOOD didn't match his expectations, no one would berate him for it. Hell, everyone expects a Dad to struggle through the first few years and get sick of bath time every night–but a MOM? How dare she?
*eye roll*
I am honestly so happy. I feel like I finally 'found' myself. I'm not putting on a glamorous facade, my kid craps and barfs all over me, too. I just feel so much wiser and comfortable in my own skin after becoming a mother. Don't hate on people trying to say that it is possible to be happy. Isn't that what we all want? So it's good to know it's out there. I agree that happy people are really annoying, but in this case I think it's healthy to hear different points of view of how women react to post partum and motherhood. I actually didn't realize how many women would agree with Blair on this post. I can't relate, so this definitely opened my eyes.
???????
why does it always have to be so one-sided on this blog? Either blair is right and anyone that agrees with her is, or the rest of us are assholes.
Why is that?
Blair doesn't have to SAY she regrets having Harrison in order for it to ooze out of every pore of her body. She's in a remorseful/regretful place right now.
Now had SHE said she regrets it, you'd all be applauding her honesty and saying how you too wish you could turn your toddler back into an egg and sperm and never let them meet…. But, it's just me, another reader who is reading between the lines and clearly reads that Blair in this state of mind does NOT want to be a mom… no matter how much she makes herself go through the motions and writes Harrison a monthly letter to the contrary.
People do tell you the truth about motherhood… new mothers just don't listen, "my baby will be different." And that's fine, but don't say you weren't told.
Thinking motherhood would be easy is a lie you told yourself.. maybe you had to to have children, but it's a stupid lie, because you knew it wasn't true..
It surprises me that people are just now getting the memo that it's hard and they will have to give up "me" time. Don't have kids if you aren't willing to do that.
a lot of people on here obviously are PPD suffers, so they love it that someone else feels this way, but it's not the norm. Everyone knows motherhood is hard, adjust your expectations.
::::::reminding myself that I can't come to this blog anymore:::::
I just can't. And it's not blairs fault. Not at all. This is her diary and she can write what she wants in it. And she can share it with whom she wants. It's the comments. It's the other readers. I can't read this shit anymore. I just can't.
Good for you for getting this out in the open – it's about time we started breaking some of the stereotypes. I am 15 months into it and things are way better now then they were a year ago, but that said I have more friends that could relate to this post than not.
Motherhood is hard. Other than holding my father's hand as he passed away, this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Not that the two events can compare, by any means, just in the sense of "hard."
My babies are my world and even though I would give my right arm to do something grown up, much less go to the bathroom alone and I've found myself biting my tongue in frustration, I wouldn't change things. But, it's hard, and while I didn't think it would be a cake walk, I didn't think that some of the things that mothers have to endure would be as tough.
I will say, as a few words of encouragement, it does get easier. Until you have number two, then it's a different ball game. Hang in there.
I do not know anyone that has a "puppies and rainbows" experience. Yes, it is a hard thing, motherhood, but it is what it is. You reading another mother admit that it is not what she thought, does not mean you should use that as your new mantra when things are hard for you.
Not all mothers are lying. I LOVE being a mom. My baby has not been easy. She is 5 months old and she spent the last 4 nights SCREAMING bloody murder because she is teething. But I still *melt* when I peek over the crib and she smiles at me.
I mean if you really want to change, to be the mother you wanted to be, change your perspective. Read some stories about mothers who have sick babies and use that as your comparison for "bad days". Sometimes when DD is being "the terrorist" I think to myself "Well, at least she is healthy, because it could be a hell of a lot worse".
The bottom line is, you are very lucky. You have a baby. Something millions of women would give their left arm to have. Change your perspective about it. No, it is not glamorous. It is not always "baby gap onsies". But it is the most real, raw thing that will ever happen to you and you owe to Harrison to figure this out.
Step away from the computer. Stop looking for justification in the words of others. Make this your own experience. But you better catch it soon, because the sands of Harrison's babyhood is slipping fast through your fingers.
I have been reading your blog since before your miscarriage and I wish I could support you but sometimes I feel like this blog perpetuates your feelings since you can easily get 159 comments of "Oh Blair, you are so right". No this is not "right". This is not the experience YOU wanted. CHANGE! Obviously continuing document this journey on this blog is not working.
What DID you expect really? You have it pretty damn good. You are a lucky girl times one thousand and one. You are not a horrible mother. You are just a mother, there are billions of us out there. Raising children has been done billions of times before. YOU CAN DO THIS! Do it how you imagined back in the old days, for him.
I really admire the moms who commented and said that they just cant agree with you, they love every second of motherhood and have never once felt overwhelmed or that its just too much. I wonder if any of them had children with severe colic, acid reflux, low birth weights, or suffered from PPD.
I can totally empathize with your post, I have so been there. I think sometimes the mommy-blog world can cause us to have even MORE guilt about these feelings. Some blogs are of beautiful women, with beautiful little babies that are always so perfect, calm mannered, great eaters, sleep-through-the-night at one week old types. Part of us read because we want that, the other part of us read and wonder why our lives are so different, and that just maybe they can reveal the secret to being the "perfect mom." To have the perfectly cleaned home, a perfect meal on the table each night, time for our marriage and the other 5,476 things going on in our lives.
I gave up on that desire/deep seated need. I know that I am the perfect mom for my daughter and that my daughter is the perfect baby for me. Premature, complicated delivery, colic, low birth weight, severe reflux, allergies and all. My home is the perfect home for us, and my husband is the perfect man for me even if we only had sex once in the last 3 weeks. There are days I feel like you, days I want to just sleep in until noon, forget about dishes and credit card bills and walking the dog. But there are also days that I fall asleep knowing that I did the best I could under my circumstances, and that it was a great day. Even if my daughter did scream when I tried to kiss her goodnight for the 7th time.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for being honest. Those of use who have not yet embarked on the motherhood journey appreciate it. Because sometimes I feel this way about my nieces, and I always wondered if it was that way with your own kids. And all of my friends that have kids will totally talk about the part where labor sucks, and morning sickness sucks, and how it's weird to have your mucus plug fall out, and chapped nipples, etc., but they never talk about the hard emotional parts.
Thank you.
I pondered this for awhile, and now i'm back…I think Ellie's words are very wise. I also have two more comments;
1) Don't you remember your own childhood? Don't you remember days where your mom had HAD. IT.? If yes, then you knew that even good moms think it sucks sometimes. But they enjoy it most times. If you never experienced that, then it proves that it's entirely possible to 'fake it til you make it.' and you can at least give Harrison the illusion of a happy babyhood.
2)I don't mean this to sound like I am doubting you or your 'condition' but PLEASE give some thought to why your 'PPD' has not affected your sex life, love for DH, desire to hang out w/ your besties…I hope you are getting adequate care, because the fact that you simply don't like being a mom does not = PPD. I hope the therapist you are working with realizes that…and that you do, too.
What amazes me more than anything is how many women seem to go into motherhood honestly thinking it's all going to be ALL wonderful. How? How can anyone honestly think that? How can you not know that it won't be all be fun and will definitely change your life in every way. For the rest of your life.
A lot of friends/family have asked why we waited so long, but we always answer that we know this is life changing and we've got our entire lives to be parents, what's the rush? Why not wait until your emotionally and financially ready? I'm preggo for the first time at 35. I've been married and madly in love for 6 years. We waited until we were ready. Truly ready. Knowing it's not going to be all super fabulous (but worth it). I've never looked forward to being physically pregnant, again, because I knew it wasn't going to be all so wonderful with a cute bump. I'm thrilled we're now expecting but I'm not having the time of my life being pregnant and it's ok because I knew I might not.
Before getting pregnant has no one been around a screaming baby? A sick baby? A bratty toddler? Had friends cancel on fun evenings because of the kids? How could you think that just wouldn't happen to you? How could you think it was going to be all fun? Yes, I also believe that the good will outweigh the bad, otherwise I wouldn't currently have a baby in my belly and looking forward to the arrival. But I just don't understand how so many women are so unrealistic. I have friends that tell me its all sunshine . . . and I know they're lying because god forbid anyone not know their life isn't perfect. I also have friends who say that yes it cam be really really hard, but so worth it. That I believe. Because I have basic reasoning skills and know there is no way it can physically and emotionally be all sunshine and roses. Nothing is. Not even a great marriage or a dream job. Certainly not parenthood. I FULLY expect that I will have moments that I will cry and NEED a break and wonder what have I done?
Like Christina, I also wonder what everyone truly thought motherhood was going to be like?
I just had to comment again. It's true that those of us who actually enjoy our children are getting blasted. I can honestly say, and I don't care if you commenters think I'm lying, that I LOVE life with my children. There has never been one moment that I wanted to walk away. I can understand feeling stressed, tired, etc. But this whole wanting my life back/can't believe how horrible life is with a baby thing is shocking to me! And it seems that most people who agree are not suffering with PPD. I truly hope that those of you who feel this way will think long and hard about having another baby. I just can't imagine directing all of that negative energy towards a baby…that you chose to bring into this world. No wonder they are miserable little beings. Babies and children pick up on these things more than we realize. We owe them SO MUCH MORE than that.
Sjoewee, this post have a lot of comments and I hope that although I'm almost always last to comment, that you read mine as well
Motherhood also taught me that it was not anything like I expected it to be. Not at all. Some days I feel so overwhelmed with everything that I feel so cross that no one have told me how difficult it is going to be.
I think a lot of it is that new mothers and pregnant women just don't want to hear it. They don't. I can't tell how many times I have seen moms-to-be get all insulted when someone mentions how hard it can be. Can you believe someone would dare tell them this as if they are an idiot, like they don't know? Come on, you were on the Bump, how many times did you see the "if one more person tells me how hard it is after a baby, I am going to throat punch them" posts? Did YOU really listen or did you just think this shit doesn't apply to ME! You can have an idea, but the reality is different and they just don't want to hear it and they always feel like it won't happen to them or doesn't apply.
This post really saddens me. It goes far beyond "this is harder than I thought" and "some days are tough" into pure regret. I won't try to dissect the PPD aspect of it all because I am confused by it and how you seem to be ready for fun in all other aspects of life besides Harrison. I do not understand being so overwhelmed with PPD that you are seemingly overwhelmed by being around your son and the responsibilities of caring for him. Yet, you go on road trips with your girlfriends, twitter happily with your friends, market yourself and your blog and manage everything else in your life okay – or at least give that impression. Does the PPD truly only affect you in terms of Harrison? I feel like when I get depressed, I retreat from ALL aspects of my life, not just one.
You specifically said that you don't have anything particular you would rather be doing, but I really think you need to be honest with yourself and realize that, in fact you do. Answering that question will go a long way to making motherhood the experience you hoped for when you can finally get to the point where there is nothing more important or desirable than the moments with your child.
Good luck Blair! I hope you can take my comments constructively and not want to reach through the computer and smack me. I hope you can make motherhood what you dreamed it would be because it is up to you to achieve that – no one else can do it for you and 100 strangers validating your thoughts should not encourage you to just accept it for what it is, less than you hoped.
Your post is exactly what every teenager that is sexually active needs to hear. I am a mom to two beautiful girls (One 3 year old and one 8 month old)and I love being a mom but it is not always easy. There are days where I shut myself in the garage, turn the music as loud as it will go, and work out on the elipitical just so I can get away from the screaming. There are days when I am so sleep deprived because both girls end up in my queen size bed with me, my husband, and my dog; and I get kicked in the head so many times that I end up curled in a ball at the end of the bed with no pillow because my 3 year old has stolen it. There are definitely days when I want to change my name from "mommy" to something as far away from "mommy" as I can get!
When I walk in to my classroom and hear my high school students talking about sex and some of them even try to get pregnant….I want to scream at them and say you have no idea what motherhood is like and your life is going to change drastically. I have a hard time being a mom at 29…I can't imagine being one at 15 or 16. Your post really sums up motherhood: yes, you feel accomplished because you have this wonderful little being that you helped create…but at the same time you feel like maybe you are just a mom and that people forget that you have needs and wants and that sometimes you just want to be you.
Let me just say this Blair…
YOU. ARE. AWESOME.
I have been saying this over and over…Motherhood is the single most hardest job ever…regardless of PPD or not…quit the bullshit and tell it like it is. No one on the face of the planet loves their job 100% of the time and the same goes for motherhood. Like do we love the diaper blow-outs, the middle in the store temper tantrums, running on empty while your kid wants your undivided attention and all you want to do is just sleep…it is hard!!
Bravo to you about speaking out on this!
PS. I have a series on my blog on Saturdays called Secret Mommy-hood confession. I wanted to open up about the dirty of motherhood…one day I'll add a linky but I'm not computer smart.
http://makemommygosomethingsomething.wordpress.co…
Just another to chime in with an "sorry, but I just don't relate". Not judging just sharing my (non-ppd, and I think that makes and enormous difference)experience. I knew parenthood would turn my world upside down and I was "ready-ish" to roll with it. Example: I NEVER thought I would want to side-track my career, but once my little man was in my life that all changed, and now I work 4 days (32 hrs) a week. A sacrifice I was more than willing to make to spend more time with him. Unfortch I have to give that up next year but I am enjoying that one day so much right now. Not trying to get into a part time/full time/sahm discussion, just pointing out that I didn't jump back into my old routine and expect it to chug along swimmingly with no accomodations made for this new life we were leading. Something had to give and I was fortunate enough that I could make this change.
also, to the ridic post on Mothers "lying" by posting cute pictures on FB etc. Of course people share the good stuff. WTF do you expect people to post. The hard stuff is just UNDERSTOOD by everyone with any sense of reality.
yup. feel you. sometimes i DO have that "i don't want to be here but am so glad" feeling…but sometimes it's just "hey, i wish i were somewhere else."
and i have always said, if you THINK you are ready for parenthood, you have no idea what you are in for. That said, I feel like I had a healthy respect for the amount of work it would be, and yet I still had NO FRIGGIN' CLUE.
mamahood. it's lovely, and it's rough.
My friend and I have talked a lot about the fact that no matter how prepared you THINK you are before you have a baby, you are so not prepared for it. It is just so much harder than you ever could imagine. I totally get it!
I commented earlier as one of the mom's who "didn't get it." And I just wanted to clarify, at least my perspective, to those who think that I think everything is puppies and rainbows, or that I'm lying.
If you ask me how R is, or how being a mom is, I will tell you that he's amazing, and I love being a mom. And that is the 100% truth. But what that doens't mean…and I don't think I'm lying…is that it's easy, or that everything is perfect. I was up with R most of last night because he's sick. My house is not up to my usual standards (pre-baby) of tidiness. Dinner these days consists of what's easiest to throw in the oven (or have hubby pick up on the way home, or be delivered). There are days when I am thrilled that R is finally in bed, and I can go to sleep. And yes, even though I think I was prepared for motherhood, it's still harder than I thought it would be. But all that doesn't mean that I don't love it.
My life is not "perfect" (whatever that means), but I don't want to escape it either. Case-in-point: I unexpectedly had some time off from work last week. My mom said she would watch R one afternoon if I wanted some "me" time. So I decided to catch a matinee. As I ran into Target before the movie to grab a snack (yes, I sneak in snacks to the movies), I saw three moms shopping with their little babies. And it just made me miss R, and not be as excited about having some "alone" time.
This made me think back to other "events" that maybe someone thinks I sugarcoat. Hubby and I took a fantastic Carribean vacation last year, before I got pregnant. Looking back, talking about the trip with others, etc., I will tell you that it was an amazing trip, we had the best time, we can't wait to do it again in a few years. The reality: the trip was great, but there was also the day that I didn't apply enough sunscreen and had an uncomfortable sunburn; the morning that hubby's stomach hurt so bad i had to go on the scuba trip we had planned by myself (he wanted me to still go); or the evening that we were looking forward to a night at the piano bar and it turned into huge dud. No, every single moment of the vacation was not paradise, but the overall experience was…and I think that's how motherhood is. Cleaning up poop, and listening to a screaming sick baby is not fantastic, but the overall experience is. Nothing is wonderful 100% of the time.
I'm not saying this to make moms who feel like Blair feel bad. I don't doubt that this is genuinely what you're feeling. But I also feel like I need to defend those of us who do think motherhood is great. Hard, yes. Overwhelming sometimes, yes. Sleep depriving, definitely. Wonderful, yes. And that's not a lie.
Yes. To all of it.
I think it's a damn shame that somehow this difficulty adjusting has been equated to loving your son (sorry, I have a son too, so I'm speaking on my own behalf here) less than people who don't ever feel this way. And thus, the only socially appropriate way to talk about it is in a hushed confessional-style conversation between moms who've 'been there.'
And having moms say, "I don't know what you're talking about… " is like having a woman say that she thinks women are overreacting about childbirth because her labor & delivery were actually really easy to the woman with a fourth-degree tear. Like the 110lb girl who says that she can eat whatever she wants and not gain a pound to a woman who has struggled with her weight all her life.
So can we all just agree that stepping into the role of motherhood is handled differently by every woman and that it's really frigging awesome to be able to frankly share your experience and at the same time not be one of the lucky ones who cherishes every single moment? I WISH I could cherish every moment. But every time someone said, "savor this time, it gets worse," I pretty much wanted to dig a hole in the backyard and throw myself in.
While I agree with you that nothing can prepare you for motherhood, I do not share your feelings of wanting to escape. That said, I do respect your point of view and empathize with you, because I felt that way in the beginning. And I realize that having severe PPD most likely affects the way you view pretty much everything these days. I guess the only reason I chose to comment on this is that, like some previous posters, I don't think we were "lied to," nor do I think I am lying to other moms and moms-to-be when I tell them that motherhood is better than I imagined, and it gets better every day.
I always temper this by saying that the first month or two is really rough. Yes, it was really rough for me, too. Like, crying every day, feeling isolated, overwhelmed, guilty, angry, and worried to the point of obsession. But I got some help, and it got better. I think it's not that simple for other people, and I do realize that I am lucky. and I am THANKFUL for that.
But past those first few mind-numbing weeks of exhaustion and "what-the-hell-did-I-get-myself-into" feelings, I honestly think it boils down to whether you are a glass-half-full person or a glass-half-empty person. I am over-simplifying, I know. But I think my experience of motherhood reflects my experience of life… based on my perspective.
To all those who still struggle with this role & responsibility, I get why you don't like hearing about those who are enjoying motherhood. It's like a slap in the face. But maybe, instead of feeling betrayed by and jealous of "those" moms, or maybe instead of assuming they are lying, sugar-coating, or faking it… you can try counting your blessings, thanking God if you believe in him, and cherishing every single moment. Yes, I am one of those annoying people that thinks everything is a miracle. Sorry.
Husband and I are secretly trying for our first right now. I've followed your blog for a long time and I'm so glad you posted this.
I have no experience with babies but I've thought a lot about how much "me" time I would loose when we do conceive. How much trouble it would be to ALWAYS put someone else ahead of yourself. How needy babies are. I asked friends and families questions, but all anyone ever told me was how wonderful it all is and how much they sleep after the first couple months. I started to feel selfish because of my concerns.
Reading this made me realize that the things I am concerned about are REAL. I'm glad that you shared and I was able to read the comments from other mothers.
Now when my turn comes, I won't be disillusioned.
Thank you.
PLEASE don't have more children.
I think it has a lot to do with expectations. If you have unrealistic expectations of marriage you will likely be disappointed and the same is true with motherhood. I had six younger siblings that I helped take care of so I knew there would be crying at night, lots of poop, and the added pressure of trying to keep a little one safe. For me, motherhood has been so much better than expected because I didn't know how much LOVE I would feel for my child. I didn't know how much I would think every little thing he does is adorable…sometimes I just want to freeze time so I can snuggle him forever because I know that these days will be gone all too fast. For expectant mothers and those planning to have kids it's really not as terrible as some make it seem. Sure there's hard times but if you're a realistic person you already know that happens in every area of life. Don't try to be perfect, don't stress about the little things, and try to focus on all the wonderful things about being a mom…because really there's too many to count!
NewMrs52106, on June 8th, 2010 at 7:19 pm Said:
ElleJay, on June 8th, 2010 at 5:04 pm Said:
EvieBugMama, on June 8th, 2010 at 2:30 pm Said:
I’m really surprised by what I’m reading here. I know your experience is colored by the lens of PPD – and I can understand that. I am stunned though, at how unhappy so many of the comments seem.
Like Liz and Erin, I cannot relate to these feelings. Have I had totally crappy days due exclusively to parenthood? You bet. Have I had totally crappy days due to my job? Sure. Due to my relationships/husband/marriage? Yep. Due to my (insert other adult responsibility here – home ownership, bills, parents/siblings, etc)? Definitely.
I guess what I am surprised by is the notion that other mothers are perpetuating a lie simply because they are not pointing out the obvious: that parenthood, like adulthood, has some seriously crappy moments. Yes, some days are full of suck. Most are not. Yes, you do lose a lot of “me” time. And yes, sometimes you just want to walk (run?) away from that reality. But just like the urge to quit your job just because your boss bitched at you yesterday passes, so does the idea of running away from your child because you wanted some down time.
I can’t say how it feels if you have PPD – because I was fortunate enough not to have it. So for sure YMMV – and I *do* understand that. I’m just saddened by how many comments (from what I assume are not PPD suffers in most cases) seem bummed out at their choice to have kids.
************************
This totally. Honestly I was probably the most selfish person I know before having a baby, and there are some days where I wish I could just take a break for a few hours of me time, but other than that I feel like I could poop rainbows of happiness all day long. And I resent people who say that I’m lying about being that happy.
—————————————————————————————
I’m in this (minority) boat.
I think it is also about expectations. If you expect up front that your baby will be all cuddles and no cries, and breastfeeding will go smoothly, and your child won’t be colicky, etc, then when you experience anything differently, you’re disappointed. For me, I talked with a lot of new mothers and expected the worst based on their tales of brand-new mommyhood; and when the bad things didn’t ALL happen, I was so happy and it seemed somehow easier, or better than I expected.
But I also agree that society has perpetuated an image of perfect mothers that we all often feel we have to live up to. I feel that pressure at times, and I think mothers judge other mothers sometimes (just recently when I was talking to a woman at work and mentioned I was excited for DD to go to whole milk b/c it was cheaper than formula she said “Well, one way to fix that: why don’t you breastfeed?” This woman did not know me well, did not know my story or all the issues I had had with breastfeeding, etc, but absolutely made a judgement about me as a mother…sigh).
Thanks for the honest post; I do think that we sometimes sugarcoat things, although I hope that as a mom, when I tell others that I am in love with DD, or that motherhood is even better than I imagined that they don’t write it off as fluff or lies, because for me, that truly has been my experience. I hope it gets better for you! I think we’re all human and have our days and moments when things aren’t happy or fun. Bottom line is you love your child and are doing your best and this IS enough!
***********************
I am also in this minority. Motherhood is not perfect, but I absolutely love it. And I am being 100% honest here. Sure there are times where I feel like I need a break, but I wouldn't trade in being a mom for anything else in this world.
Your honesty is appreciated. Stay strong Blair!
I wish I could respond to "Jen" above who doesn't have kids, but think that mothers on FB who post pictures of their baby and gush about their children are "validating" themselves because they feel lonely and regretful on the inside.
You really don't know sh*t until you have a child so you shouldn't have commented on this post at all in the first place.
Every woman reacts differently to having a child. I for one was scared out of my mind up until the the day I had her that I WOULD hate motherhood. Perhaps that has made me love it that much more. I had low expectations, so things have been wonderful for me.
Sure I have days where I NEED to escape. But all that picture posting and gushing about my baby?? It's all 100 percent true. In NO way do I feel like less of a person because motherhood is part of what defines me.
i'm really sorry to hear that you have these feelings about motherhood – the reality vs what you were prepared for. because it seems like unhappiness like this become a vicious cycle – as you've said, guilt builds up over not feeling happy, then you feel upset about feeling guilty and it just goes around and around… when i read posts like this about any mother who is struggling to be happy with her new life with baby, i feel terrible because i KNOW that you just truly want to enjoy your kid and your life, but you're stuck with these awful feelings…
i'm really sorry that you feel you were lied to by other mothers. but can i just add one little snippet of perspective? and this is NOT intended to make you feel guilty about your feelings & experiences – i absolutely support you & think you're fantastic (and beautiful and funny and a great mom!) but i personally have never experienced any of the extreme lows regarding motherhood that you've described on your blog. again – that is NOT me saying "neener neener, i'm so happy and you're not!" because, hi, that's terrible and fucked up and i'm not a malicious person! but i want to tell you that so you can consider the idea that other mothers may not be purposefully misleading about what motherhood is really like… maybe they just plain haven't struggled in quite the same way that you and many other parents have.
the very worst anxiety i've had since becoming a mom was one day last october – i had just been laid off from my job of 5 years (and my husband had lost his job 6 months earlier – NEAT.) i was really stressed and battling with the idea of weaning poppy (i was exclusively pumping due to nursing issues and had chronic breast pain.) anyway, i had a panic attack while taking care of p and started feeling really short of breath – crying, sweating, oh the joy (i know you know!) but even at that very bad moment, i was able to muster up the wits to stick poppy in her play yard, turn on a music toy for her, and talk to her calmly while i waited for my half-tablet of xanax to take effect. to me, that was an absolute low, but to someone dealing with true, severe anxiety or depression? that's probably laughable – perhaps even a very common event.
so, while you are left feeling betrayed by other moms who seem to be romanticizing motherhood as this blissful utopia, i read posts like yours and also can't personally relate to the feelings of resentment, of it being terribly overwhelming, or that my child feels like a burden. but that doesn't mean i don't absolutely love & respect you – i certainly do! i just wanted to share my point of view and say that perhaps the conflict between the idea of motherhood and the reality of it is just a very personal/relative one. just as motherhood is a different experience for each of us, so is the comparison between what we were expecting versus what we are living. for me? easier than i thought it would be. for you? harder. and i think that's really ok in the end.
anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. i wish you all the best as you go along in your journey of mothering harrison – you two are both just lovely and i really hope things get much easier for you in your battle with ppd.
hugs, mama!
~em
What exactly did you think motherhood was going to be? You overall tone shows your strong dislike for motherhood and being with your child. And yet you have mentioned before wanting to have more children – it sickens me to think that more children would be subjected to your feelings. Commenters have said that Harrison isn't picking up on your feelings, but I think it will show in the long run that he is. I feel so sorry for Harrison and any future children you may have.
I just realized my post above sounded like I was mnocking you Blair, and it absolutely wasn't meant that way. I was angry at the person above who stated she had no kids and basically think mothers who proclaim to actually be happy are lying.
My point was just that we all adapt differently to motherhood. Some days it sucks and some days it's wonderful. We all feel like we need to run away sometimes, and there are many days when we drop the kid in someone elses hands and say "please deal with this." But that doesn't mean that we love our children any less. It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy motherhood, and it certainly doesn't mean that I'm not honest when I gush about how wonderful they are.
I want to preface my comment by saying that I did not have PPD with either of my children, and I sympathize greatly with those who do have it. So, maybe my comments are out of line, but I do feel compelled to say something. I think it is unfair to say that those people who don't "want out" of motherhood obviously have easy babies or are lying. (Blair, I'm not saying that's what you said, but there are some comments that are along those lines.) I appreciate the honesty that people are showing, and I am trying to empathize with those feelings of being trapped, yet I think it is close-minded to say that everyone MUST feel like that.
Both of my babies have been difficult in their own way. DD had a milk & soy allergy, which made breastfeeding complicated and supplementing expensive. DS has reflux, which has its own set of challenges. They are both terrible sleepers (even now, my toddler DD doesn't sleep through the night most nights.)
It makes me sad that so many people here feel lied to about motherhood, because I honestly get so much joy out of it. Like I said before, I don't have PPD, and I can't imagine how that could change my perception of my life. However, I think part of the reason it might feel like people focus on the positive aspects of the motherhood experience is that focusing on the positive (for me) helps make the negative parts easier. I make a conscious effort each morning (and pray each night) to be cognizant of my time with my kids and to find the strength and patience to enjoy them. I try to be as honest as possible about my experiences, but (for me) the smiles and cuddles DO overshadow the difficult times.
Also, I feel like there are a ton of "warnings" given about motherhood being challenging and difficult. Some people just don't want to hear it.
Thank you! you couldn't say it better
Having lived through many things in my lifetime so far, I have come to learn that each and every experience in your life is what you make it. Just about everything has a good and bad side, it's up to you what you choose to focus on.
Yes, motherhood is hard. Everyone discovers that once they have a child.
However, there is a difference between telling new mothers that they will be exhausted in those first few months and telling them they'll want to put their kid in a cage with some toys.
If you didn't already have PPD, I would have suggested getting yourself checked because the harsh statements about motherhood that you made are really only relevant to those that are going through PPD. I hope the expecting first time mothers or those thinking about having children who read this post understand this is coming from a dark place.
Amen sista! *High-five!*
After reading your post, the first thought that came to mind is that Motherhood really is a personal experience–and everyone will have an experience that is unique. I don't think pregnant women should be 'prepared' by blanket statements or generalizations. As with most experiences in life, there are ups and downs & everyone adjusts at their own pace. I think it is wrong to judge mothers who have a difficult time adjusting, just as it presumptuous to assume that those who truly are loving it are lying.
There are so many comments I doubt mine will make a difference but I just wanted to say hey I'm here and I totally understand what you're saying. If you ever just need to vent, I'd be happy to listen
I've been there. Still am some days and I don't think you have to have PPD to feel this way, though it sure makes it hang around a lot longer. For me, depression has always run in the family but it made things harder that my own family was 8 hours away and my husband's family was 2 hours away so once he went back to work it was all me, all the time pretty much. And now, 3 under 3 is kind of crazy but I'll say I feel much, MUCH better this time around (my son Jude is almost two months) than I ever have before. I would like to be able to tell you why but I don't really know, maybe because my oldest is 3 and is such a big help, he'll listen and get me a diaper if I need it and stuff like that. But after my middle child, Avery, was born I was NOT in a good place at all, I really didn't feel like myself until he was about 7 or 8 months old. He was a very fussy child, and Aidan was only 13 months older than he was so it was just INTENSE and I couldn't handle it for the longest time. A hospital stay, therapy, and some paxil later….the sun eventually came out again 
Yay! 
So just remember that ya know? It may suck today but tomorrow who knows, maybe tomorrow will be better!
I think what you're doing is great, its so much better to let it out here, in a relatively risk free environment than to not have any outlet and actually take it out on your child/children. That is kind of what happened with me and starting all the creative projects I had/have going on. I used the feelings I had to write and create things and somehow it made it so much easier not really to love my children because I already did, but to continue the day with more of a smile because I had one small little thing I did for myself rather than everything all day to be about them. We're mothers, all unique, but womanhood with its needs and desires doesn't just kick the curb once we give birth. For me, once I learned how to love myself a little bit better, it made it easier to be a loving and sensitive mother as well.
I didn't read all the comments but I don't think you were lied to if no one told you "there will be times you wish you could walk away." In all truthfulness I would never tell another woman/person this because I have truely never wanted to walk away. I've been tired, wished he would sleep a little longer, etc. but I've never felt what you described in your post.
Before I had children, and my sister had a tiny baby, she told me she had ruined her life my having a kid. It shocked me and scared me. After I had my baby I thought about that I still have no idea how she could say that. My son is 18 months and I still can't fathom how she could say that.
My point is that "motherhood" isn't the same for everyone (obviously) but I just doubt mothers are keeping this big secret from other women about how awful motherhood is. I've actually thought the OPPOSITE and thought, man I wish I knew how great this was so I didn't wait until I was 26 to have my first!
Anyway, I wish you all the luck with everything you're going through and I appreciate your honesty of how YOU feel because you're right, you're not alone. However, not everyone feels the same way you do either.
" …just as it presumptuous to assume that those who truly are loving it are lying." – Kim
This is basically what I was trying to say!
"I didn’t read all the comments but I don’t think you were lied to if no one told you “there will be times you wish you could walk away.” " -Heather
Exactly! Those feelings are *not* normal and to say that to a new mom as if it is totally ok to have those feelings is very dangerous. I would tell a new mother that waking up in the middle of the night is awful, your eyelids feel like concrete has been poured into it, you'll never be happier when your DH walks through the door and you can take a poop in peace, or you'll actually enjoy getting breaks from the house to have some "me" time. But I wouldn't tell a new mother that there will be times you wish you could walk away. And if a new mother said that to me I would tell her that she has my sympathy, love/hugs/kisses, GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR.
I've already commented once, but I've been thinking about this a lot still. I just don't see how you could be bored with Harrison when you only see him like 3 hours a day. I would think you would be DYING to see him. Trying to eat him up, almost. Not being bored because he's splashing in the tub and happy…
Someone in the comments above mentioned that your PPD/PPA has not affected your sex life (well, from what you tell us), your twittering, your road trips, your giveaways, your traveling, your time with girlfriends, but it seems to only affect your relationship with Harrison. Is this normal? Because when I've been kind of depressed before, it affected EVERYTHING I DID. Not just one part of me.
Thank you for posting this. This epitomizes what scares me shitless about becoming a mother. I'm sure this fear has hindered my motivation to adopt. Maybe God knew what he was doing when he made me and the mister infertile??
Agreed! I also love when people tell you they can't remember their life pre-baby and then I feel like total Crap for remembering every glorious detail on some days! Staying out past bedtime, being able to make a simple "run" to the grocery store, the ability to "fly by the seat of your pants" at all times. All things I miss some days!
this is actually a horrible horrible post. Its not Harrison, its you.
It's no secret that you are an attention loving narcissist. Ever since you began blogging it's been obvious. You don't know how to function without attention. I am willing to bet a lot of money that you are not-so-great in real life. People don't think you're this amazing person. You try and try and try, but at the end of the day, you are AVERAGE. It kills you. You go to your blog for relief because random strangers adore you. How is that fulfilling at all? You are so far isolated from the real world.
You had this image in your head of this perfect life. You freaked out over paint on your son's nursery wall. Did you really think he'd give a shit? He wouldn't care if you had semi-gloss or flat or if it was pealing (probably not even enough to notice). So it was all about YOU. Beth Anne, Beth Anne, Beth Anne. The self proclaimed most important person in the world.
Your son was born. Late. NOT PERFECT. Your son developed reflux. NOT PERFECT. You had to go back to work. NOT PERFECT. Do you still want to stay home? I'm guessing no because you can't stand being a mother and your so-called efforts to save money so you could be one day closer every day to staying home is bullshit. You constantly Twitter about buying things on Etsy and you have considered purchasing an iPad. Why do you need an iPad? So you can blog on the go? So you can satisfy your craving for attention while you're on the road? Perhaps in the car on your extremely stupid long commute back and forth to work?
I've always thought your PPD was a total front. You just hate being a mother because it didn't work out the way you wanted. People want to come see him now and NOT YOU. It's all about him now and NOT YOU.
I hope to God that you do not have anymore children. I'm a firm believer that God gives you what you can handle. He didn't think you could handle having a child so you miscarried. Then free will allowed you to get pregnant again and feeling the way you do is now your punishment.
It's a total mystery why your husband puts up with you.
Oh, yay!! I miscarried because I couldn't handle having a child? I'll be sure that in my chart, my OB scratches out "severe chromosomal abnormalities" & writes in, "can't hang."
That's a douchetastic thing to say. Kind of like when you told me I was still fat after losing 35 lbs.
You're a peach, Jess.
In addition to your ignorant blatherings, you think I'm a narcissist? I think you're masochist for reading the blog of someone you so openly despise. Why on Earth would you do that? Click that red "x" & feel good inside about it.
Is anything ever what we expect?
I loved this post, and while I don't really feel lied to about motherhood, I know that I shouldered a lot of the not so awesome stuff because I was afraid of what people would think of me if I handled it less than perfectly.
But, HI! I'm new to you but I am thoroughly enjoying reading your blog!
um. ok. i came back here to read a few more comments, because i was interested in people's pov's. hello, above commenter – jess, is it? aren't you just a big tough guy! kudos to you on ripping apart beth anne while she is struggling with depression! does it make you feel good about yourself? oh wait, you must already have the BEST self-worth in all the world to feel the need to leave comments like that, huh?!
also, what a wonderful example you've set on being a good christian! i mean, what would jesus do? according to you he would viciously slag a mother who is struggling to be happy! i think it's great that you have such a close, personal relationship with god that you *actually* know what he's thinking at all times! that's pretty amazing. you should start a church or something!
oh and also? you sure know a whole lot about this supposed "attention loving narcissist" – for someone who seems to outwardly despite this blogger it appears as though you're a frequent reader. well, that's classy for sure. people like you just make me smile. i wish we could be best friends in real life.
anyway, you seem SUPER neat, so shoot me an email sometime and we can talk about how all kindergarteners are assholes and why we love skinning live puppies for kicks!
xoxo!
~emily
er, clearly i meant the *first" jess. that is pretty ironic though! heh.
I could not agree more with : "R's Mom, on June 9th, 2010 at 10:24 am"
she summed it up exactly how I feel. I could honestly say I love being a mother, and I get giddy when I am on my way to pick up my little girl. Did I expect it to be hard, yes I did. Did I expect my house to be a mess and have stacks of laundry around, yes… yes I did, and in most cases this is the good days the house gets to see.
With everything in life you have to take the good with the bad, the smiles the mama's even the recent fun activity of dumping all the q-tips on the floor was something to just laugh about. sure, at 11 months my little girl is up at all hours of the night and ear infections are never fun… but to me there is something very rewarding in this "job" .
and lastly i was extremely shocked to see all the other mamas out there saying they could walk away… because never have i wanted to walk away…ever. im not crazy and no my life isnt perfect but you have to roll with the punches. life is what you make it, you have to look for the positive.
whoa Jess. WTF. Dude, some shit you spew may come close to hitting the nail on the head, close, not on, but close.. but the fucking miscarriage comment? Way out of line to the point of flat out disrespectful to ANY of us that have ever suffered a fucking miscarriage, you stupid cunt. yes, CUNT.
How fucking DARE you insinuate such a shitty awful thing? I am a great mom, and I bust my ass day in and day out to give my sons the best life they could ever have and the day I had a miscarriage part of me died. Part of me got sucked out and disposed of as medical waste. part of me I will never know. And according to you, again you CUNT that's because it's gods way of telling me I shouldn't have children?
Because I'm sure "god" doesn't just have a plan for "blair" and she's the only one that had a miscarriage because god didn't want her to procreate.
You are a disgrace. If anything is to be said about miscarriages in this post, it's that YOU Jess, should have been one.
Fuck you, and goodnight.
Oh, and maybe die.. if that's possible. Slow. And painfully.
Again, Fuck you. Cunt.
Oh, and in case you pull this card, yup, i'm a mom, and I talk like that when my kids aren't around and especially online since neither of them can read yet.
Got it? Good. Drop dead.
I heart my Bonzer.
And what the fuck might I add, do you follow her on twitter for? Or come to this blog for?
Again Blair, I maintain what I said the day I tried to stop reading this blog.. There are people that are reading, waiting, watching for your complete and total breakdown… With baited breath. And your friend Jess, she's one of them.
I really really wish you would put aside the long term financial goals of this blog and preserve some of your dignity and privacy right now. because you are going to hurt 3 people in this process… and no matter how many boxes of nutrisystem or jockey undies you get, the damage won't be able to be undone.
I know, here I go again telling you not to blog. no. Not saying don't blog. I'm saying keep your really private shit, your PPD stuff all of that a little closer to the vest.
We're all gonna keep peeking in your window you know. you don't have to hang your period soaked underwear on the line to get our attention. We're already here.
I beg you, please don't try to be the poster girl for PPD or the voice for the terrified other moms. Try to heal right now. Maybe write down what youer' going through and in a year or so when hopefully this is all over, select what you want to share and blog it. Or write a book. whatever. But for now, please, keep it private. You have to.
sorry to swear so much blair. Few things get me that fired up.
I feel like I have the opposite issues, I have minor separation anxiety about not seeing him enough. I don't go to any evening work events because I just can't handle it. Does he wonder where I am? Does he miss me? Does he know that I'm coming back?! I drop him off at daycare at 8:30, and I am stoked when he wakes up at 6 and we have 2.5 precious hours together. Today he woke up at 7:30, and I feel cheated. If I have a long day at work, I have to fenagle a 'work from home' excuse sometime during the week or I start to resent work.
To me, your point of view doesn't sound normal or healthy. Why do you think people lied to you? I guess I don't think people owed me anything for the good or bad. The negative posts seem to have a common beef against others that I have never sensed. Whether it's anger at being lied to, anger at content people, etc.
I hope you find yourself in a better place soon. This isn't normal, don't let yourself settle for it.
Very true- I think that mothers don't lie exactly- they just have selective memories. I know that I really did not hit my mom stride until my daughters first birthday. When she was that little there were days I wished I had my old life back, and what the hell did I do- and can't I have a minute to myself? But I swear to you that it changes drastically after that first year- and now with a 2.5 year old I kind of remember the hell and joy that is the first year- but not really. It's kind of like childbirth- you remember that it hurt but the memory is so fuzzy that you are willing to do it all again. I love being a mom most of the time- but I am also not above giving the reins to my husband and saying- I have to get out of here, I will see you in awhile.
heirtoblair,
I just wanted to jump in and say that I respect your feelings. They are yours based on your experiences.
No one can validate you, but you. And no one has the power to devalue your opinions and feelings unless you let them.
Your post had great potential to be an open exchange for healthy debate and civil discourse. I am sorry that it did not turn out that way.
First,Jess is a total twat. Yowza.
I just hope you'll see what so many sane people are pointing out. You tend to sweep those things under the rug. You responded to christina's comments that were in defense of you, but didn't acknowledge her criticism.
We're all wondering the same thing-why do you love road tripping with your besties and bonking your hubby and picking up new hobbies but can't stand being a mom? The real problem is that it's not acceptable to say that you just aren't in love with being a mom and don't wish to do it again. You have a lot of healing to do w/ Harrison… why are you so offended when someone suggests that you not repeat it? You twittered that you' told the truth' and someone responded that you shouldn't have more kids…why does it have to be either or? Yes, maybe you are telling the truth…and it's BECAUSE that is your truth that you shouldn't attempt this again. Because if you think one is overwhelming….whooooooa buddy….
So, answer what we're all asked. Why can you enjoy, even thrive, in every other area but motherhood? Don't you think that's something to consider?
Carly, Bonzer & I correspond through email, which is why you don't see me responding to her criticisms on here. I respond to her via email & the "I adore you, Bonzer" was also to her criticism. I adore her constructive criticism. & just because I don't respond does not mean that I don't process it.
As far as thriving in other aspects of my life – I bet you didn't know that I haven't seen one friend in over three weeks. I saw my friend Meredith the week before Mother's Day for a pedicure. I haven't seen besties since Pioneer Woman a month ago. & I went to Pioneer Woman because it was something we had planned for months & had tickets to. My inlaws had already planned to be in town that weekend. & it was out of town & therefore more safe to spend the night & then get on the road the next morning.
& as far as thriving in my marriage – absolutely, we are thriving. That's as equally important as my relationship with Harrison. We put effort into making this work through the "for worse" part, which sometimes includes date nights & sex & long conversations over cups of coffee in the morning. I refuse to let PPD take my marriage down.
New hobbies? Like cloth diapering for the environment & money & to keep me from washing every day? Exercising per the recommendation of my recreational therapist as it has proven improvements on the brain with a minimum of six months of steady commitment? Thriving at work because we need my income, rather than ignoring clients & losing my job? Learning to sew a straight line to hem a curtain? Swimming lessons to provide a positive, fun environment to spend time with Harrison other than just sitting on the floor & playing?
Take out those "hobbies" & things that take me away from Harrison. You have a marriage that is neglected, a physically inactive life, & failing job, & spending unnecessary money on things I throw away. Take out swimming lessons & you have one less thing I have with my child.
& we'll just have to see about future children. I'm not pregnant now or remotely trying, so there's really no need to even discuss it at this point.
but thank you for saying that Jess is a total twat
you speak da truth on that one.