As a blogger/writer/whatever you want to call me as long as it’s nice, I get a lot of inspiration from other bloggers. What they say, what they’re feeling. When they’re strong enough to step forward, it oddly gives me a sense of strength. & AllisonO hit the nail on the head of something that’s been nagging at me for a long time now.
MOTHERHOOD IS NOT WHAT I WAS PREPARED FOR.
Do I regret becoming a mother? Absolutely not. But it’s not what I expected, not what I dreamed. In some ways, it’s fallen flat from my expectations. & I don’t even know WHAT those expectations were past a baby that snuggled into my neck & a few tears. Maybe i’s the PPD talking. Maybe that’s just the truth behind another lie of motherhood.
At first, I felt a lot of shame at this. Humiliation. Crippling anger at myself. When a commentor dared to say, “Face it, motherhood isn’t what you expected & you hate it & it’s your fault” (or something along those lines), I was ten seconds away from leaping through the computer & ripping her face off. I was OUTRAGED. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR MOTHERHOOD?! HOW DARE YOU, BITCH? YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.
I was pissed. I’m still pissed that someone said it because even though I’m admitting it, it’s kind of like a nickname. It’s only okay when certain people say it. LIKE ME & NOBODY ELSE.
I was so not prepared for motherhood. & now that I’ve said it, I kind of hate myself. I’m supposed to LOVE motherhood & gush about how IN LOVE I am with my child. But as much as I love Harrison & love being a mother & feel this weird sense of I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR for growing this human being & keeping him alive for almost 8 months, I still feel like I was lied to by other mother’s.
It’s not that I thought it would be 24/7 picnics & skipping & lollipops & unicorns that fart magic fairy dust that makes puppies fly. But I didn’t think I’d have a baby that screamed at me all day. I didn’t think I’d have moments where I wished I could just put him in a cage with toys & walk away for an hour. I didn’t think I would wind up in the hospital being sedated to sleep. I didn’t think that I’d have so many moments where I just felt like, “OH MY GOD, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t WANT to do this anymore.”
So many mother’s want to moan about lack of sleep. Or spit-up in the hair. Or tripping over ugly toys. Yeah, it sucks to stump your toe on Fisher Price & it’s weird to wash green beans out of your hair. But why don’t we talk about the moments when we just don’t want to do it anymore?! Why do we keep lying & pasting on smiles & saying everything is perfect instead of just saying, “You know what? I love him. But last night while he was splashing in the tub, I just didn’t want to be there.”
It’s not that I had a particular place/thing that I wanted to be or be doing. But I didn’t want motherhood in that moment. The burden of bathing him, dressing him, OMG was that duck he has in his mouth Cloroxed from the time he shit the duck?! I didn’t want the waring, bittersweet feeling of laying him down at night, knowing I’ll oddly miss him while he sleeps but thankful that I get a moment of quiet. Sometimes, it’s just too much.
I’m sure you want me to say, “I didn’t want to be there, but there’s no where else I’d rather be” or something trite to end this. I wish I could. But that would continue the lie. Because I wasn’t prepared for this aspect of motherhood. & I don’t want anyone else to feel lied to.
Or alone in this feeling.
Finally an honest opinion. I always want to hear the real side of things and you said it perfectly. It's not always easy and it can make you go mad, but you're not the only one. Thanks for sharing your post.
I don't think anyone is ever fully prepared. Financially, physically or emotionally. My first (6 years ago) was extremely difficult. She wouldn't sleep, she had colic, she had thrush, she had ear infection after ear infection, she always seemed sick. I felt like a failure because I couldn't keep her healthy because she was in daycare, yet I needed the escape of going to work every day. Now she is an incredibly smart, beautiful little girl getting ready to enter 1st grade. Number 2 (5.5 months old) has been so.much.easier. I'm not sure if it's because I've done this before, but he is the polar opposite of her. And…I've done much of it on my own since my hubby has had a hernia for the last 2 months. It gets better…but maybe not right away. Good for you for being honest in your feelings. It isn't always peaches and cream.
I'm sorry you feel alone in this… you definately aren't. For me, motherhood has been more stressful than I ever would have imagined. The word "stress" doesn't even seem to do it justice… it's like saying giving birth is painful. The word "pain" just isn't colorful enough to describe the feeling of pitocin induced contractions.
Have you read The Mommy Myth? It helped me, made me think about the sources of my unrealistic expectations.
OMG Blair, you post has me in tears. No one tells you what motherhood is really going to be like and I find that people are so afraid to say "it isn't what I expected". I only have one friend IRL that also has a baby and she is just sunshine and f'n rainbows about being a mom and makes me feel like SH*T because of my PPD. Thank you for being so rea, so honest, and making me feel like I am not alone in my struggle.
Thank you! thank you, thank you, and thank you! you are not alone and you put words to something that I feel often. I love my boy, he is amazing and adorable, but sometimes I want freedom. Freedom to do what I want when I want to, to go…or stay or do absolutely nothing…or maybe anything…not sure. But, I know i feel like you do. sometimes i want out of motherhood, and while it is intermittent and sometimes rewarding and positive, it is the hardest knowing that no matter what there is no way out. It is no longer a choice and I have no other option but to remain in motherhood even when I just want a day or a week thinking about it and not having to participate in it.
Can I say that it does get a bit easier, at least it did for me. Right around age 18 or 19 months, and definitely by 2 1/2! always new challenges though and predicaments…always.. keep you chin up, you are not alone and blog land is such a great way to find your amazing support group! i don't know you and have only started reading your blog lately…but you can count me in as part of your team! we all need each other. Xx Rayan
I completely understand. I've been there, and still have my days ( I now have two kids and it's way, WAY harder than I expected0. When I was pregnant with my first, all I heard was people gushing at me , about how wonderful the whole aspect was and how adorable babies are and blah blah. One day while at work, a co worker and friend of mine came over to me and told me "Ok, I'm going to tell you something you won't like to hear. There is a dark side to parenting that you need to know about. It's not easy and there are days that you will wish you could run away. And it's ok to feel that way, and don't beat yourself up about it." To this day, that was THE BEST advice I EVER got about parenting. Forget all the other stuff, the don't spoil your baby, the recommendations about what products are the best – what she said to me was the best thing ever told to me while I was pregnant. And while I was dealing with my first colicky/reflux baby, and sobbing while I held her, I remembered what my friend said. And now I pass that advice on to every friend I know who is pregnant for the first time. They may look at me like I'm crazy or some super negative person, but i'd rather them hear it than be in for the shock of their life once they bring their baby home.
I am sad and almost hate myself that this post rang true to the very last bone in my body.
I think this is normal. You can tell yourself, you can KNOW that life is about to CHANGE. But until it happens you do not realize the enormity of the situation.
Having a baby with colic and reflux is hard. Hell, having a baby is hard.
I am right ther with you today. And my nights are plagued with little to no sleep that make me walk a fine line between emotions.
And one other thing. People always say "Oh don't worry, it gets easier!" Well, it does, in some ways, but the hard stuff just gets replaced with other trials. Parenting is hard even (or especially) when they are teenagers. Sure, having a colicky baby was way tough, but now she's almost four, and of course she doesn't cry all day, but she tests me every single day. Now I'm going through the baby stage all over again with my second, and going through the colic and reflux AGAIN, and knowing that eventually he'll be over it and be better. But then he'll be a crazy toddler throwing tantrums. I love my kids with everything I have, but it can be very difficult. And I'm not a bad person (and neither are you) for saying it.
Blair, I adore you for your honesty! I could have written this post myself. I'm sorry you feel alone in this but I can assure you that you are not!
I admire you for posting this and what helps is to let yourself feel ok with not being 'perfect'.
i honestly love being a mom, but when I am having a off day I tell myself I am only human and it is hard to be a mama some times.
I think the difficulties with my pregnancy made me thankful to just have a healthy baby-and I remind myself of that when I am tired or feeling overwhelmed.
I think the truth is that it's valid to feel like you do, and it's valid to feel very puppies & rainbows about motherhood. Not everyone has the same reaction to the role. I don't think it's true that everyone feels the way you do; but I do think it's true to say that some (many?) do…. the lie is in perpetuating the myth that mommyhood is a universal club of child-infatuated bliss
Thank you for saying this. THere are some days, I just don't want to be around my daughter. Do I love her? SUre. But does that mean I'm supposed to be around her 24/7, always living for her? Does that mean I get to go insane?
Motherhood is definately not what I thought it would be either. It is so much more amazing and wonderful then I ever imagined. I am the other side of the coin.
I think that you are strong and going through a lot, you will get there.
I do not have PPD and there I days that I feel the exact same way. I sometimes go home first after work instead of straight to pick up my baby because I just want some quiet time, some alone time. For me, being a mother is like being a walking contradiction. I love my daughter so much and yet there are times I long to be as far away from her as possible.
You are not alone nor are you a bad person for feeling this way. Any mom who claims to love every moment and want to be next to her child at every moment is denying that she is more than a mother.
I really think that women (myself included) need to learn to be more forgiving to ourselves. We are not perfect. We would not expect perfection from our children, why do we expect it from ourselves? Please cut yourself some slack. It really is the only way to survive the early years of motherhood.
o.m.g. – I have been saying this since my E was born 10 months ago. The first 3 months were hell for me (and my hubs). I kept saying that I wish that people were more straight about this. It wouldn't have kept me from having kids, it would have kept me from feeling alone and like I was the only mother in the world who wasn't head over heels.
Why is the relationship from parent to child treated like it's different from any other relationship in the world. It takes time to get to know each other, there are bumps, but it has the potential to grow into something wonderful.
Thank you for being so honest, – wow. I'm so thankful for these new friends whop are teaching me SO much about preparing for motherhood. I read OMy Family's post too – Wow. Both of you: Thank you for being so honest. So open. So you!
I guess since you can be honest, so can I…..Although I love my baby boy with all my heart….I don't know if I wanted to do this all over again….sometimes I have feelings of resentment towards starting over….I'm 40 in a second marriage with two children, one grown up, one almost grown up….now a baby 9 months old….It was supposed to be my turn now….my time to live…..not changing diapers again, looking like hell all the time…..God, what am I doing….sometimes I want to scream at my husband, hand him the baby and walk away…..some nights I lay in bed and dream about walking away…..what is wrong with me…..I've never admitted these feelings before…..crying….I feel so ashamed…..
P.S. – my parenting mantra from the beginning has been "things don't get better, they just get different" now, that sounds a little doom and gloom and it is not! But it keeps me in reality, and it's worked for me!
THANK YOU! I feel the exact. same. way. And have since DS was born. I hate running into other moms and having them say, "Gosh! Isn't it just so much fun?" or "Are you just LOVING it?" Because you know what? No, it isn't any fun and no, I am not loving it. Every time I answer their questions truthfully, these moms look at me like I'm a leper and hastily make some excuse about a forgotten casserole in the oven and leave.
I love my son, but no one told me about this despairing feeling I get whenever my child skips a nap and the plans I had to do something just for me are dashed. Or when all I want to do is eat and I have to listen to him cry his heart out while I feed myself for the first time that day. Seriously, motherhood can be the pits.
Again you have said exactly how I feel. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Well said, and you're not alone with those thoughts. I tell women that I can talk them into or out of having a baby. There are always two sides, no matter what the "perfect" moms out there want to portray. We're human and we're allowed to feel.
I loved reading this post, and I can understand you and many others feeling that way at times. I don't think anyone can prepare you for motherhood, it's something you need to live through to know. I can't say I really feel that way but there are times when I'm so tired and I wish I could relax instead but that doesn't happen often. I expected it to be difficult, but it was definitely a lot harder than I expected it to be.
Thank you so much. I needed to read this today. I could write you a novel of why I thank you but I'd rather not go there . . . I do love my son and I love being a Mama, yes I do. But I so thank you from the bottom of my heart because I hope this is just the start of a very long and honest conversation!
You are most definitely not alone. I think it gets easier and gets more natural with time. I also wondered for a long time why mothers LIE to pregnant women. But, I don't know if they're actually lying… I think it's like new jeans that are uncomfortable for a while and then all of the sudden they are your favorite jeans. Memory gets foggy or maybe we just choose to forget the hardest times. I don't know.
Thank you for being real. It's what so many women need to hear. Especially at the low points of PPD. Keep on keepin on girl!!!
I think that motherhood surprises everyone – in all of the good ways you pointed out and in a lot more bad ways than people talk about. You may have started the flood, sister.
People (including moms) are selfish sometimes. It's human nature. Do I always want to be the one who has to answer every question or who wipes every butt? No. Actually, almost never. But being a mom means you do it to the best of your ability. Sometimes the "best of your ability" means asking for help. I'm glad you're getting help. You and your family deserve the best.
And it will get better. I just don't know when.
I am due with my 1st in 3 weeks & I do not feel ready or prepared for motherhood at ALL. & my time to feel that way is either running out, or this feeling will just continue when he gets here because I do not know that anyone can really be prepared for it. You can read the books, set your hopes up high, and cushion your baby for the world to come, but it's not real until it's real. (makes no sense at all) Luckily, i am not expecting flowers and rainbows either. Actually, quite the opposite! i am expecting long nights, lots of frustration & tears, joys, pains, moments of being overwhelmed, overtired and needing a break…..Hmm…. wait a second, maybe i AM prepared for motherhood & i just don't know it, lol …
This post reminds me of a woman in my prenatal yoga class who was having her second kid. Someone was talking about how she was so over being pregnant and this woman responded "yea – but sometimes once they're out you wish you could put them back in again!"
Blair, thank you so much for posting this. You are absolutely not alone in this feeling, and I wish more people talked about this aspect of motherhood (well, "parenthood" would probably be more accurate, because I know my husband sometimes feels this way as well).
I, too, have had many, many days over the last 9 months when I've wanted out. When it was just too much. When I wanted me "old" life back. (I actually posted something to that effect on The Bump and got flamed pretty bad for not embracing every aspect of motherhood, or for not expecting that things would change so much.)
So let me just say it. My 9-month-old daughter still wakes 7-10 times a night. She nurses all day and all night, and refuses most solids. I feel like my body is her body. Even when she's in a great mood, sometimes it's just too exhausting to constantly play and entertain her. I miss my freedom. I miss alone time with my husband. I miss sleep. I miss not having the constant worry of taking care of another human being.
I wish it were easier to talk about these things in "real life."
I SO hear you. I call them onion moments. Layers peeled back. Here is a post from when Oscar was 4 months old. You are not alone!
http://lilkidthings.com/2009/06/the-onion/
You are not alone. I felt like that for months, it was one of my red flags for PPD. Everyone kept saying, "Isn't she the best thing that has ever happened to you?". And I would slap on a fake smile and lie through my teeth, because truthfully I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I wanted to be as far from motherhood as I possibly could. I felt like all my independence had been stripped away and I was NEVER going to have me time again. But I want to tell you this, I think it's the PPD talking. How do I know? Because I was in your exact place with those exact thoughts. Oddly feeling like the worst mother ever because I wasn't googly eyed over my baby. Because the thought of being alone with her brought me into a full on panic attack. Because I just didn't want to do it anymore, the responsibility was killing me. It's better now. There is a light at the end of the tunnel BA. You will get through this. Sure there are rough days still, days where I think "I need a break…and a beer." But I look at my baby now and my heart leaps a little, I snuggle her more closely now. I thank God for her, I know now that I was put on this Earth to be her mother. It was a long time coming, but finally, I LOVE being a mom. You will too.
Thank you Blair for posting this. It is exactly how I feel all too often. Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone. I heart your blog and your candid honesty.
wow. Blair, honey, I love you. Thank you so much for being honest and saying what so many of us feel or have felt.
My story: My child is amazing, smart, alert, and OH MY GAWD so cute. I love him more than anything, but like you, when we was first born I sometimes just wished he would sleep all day. I honestly didn't want him to wake up. Not that I wanted him to die, I just didn't want him to wake up. I didn't want to hold him or even see him. I even googled local safe places. Places where you can drop off a baby, no questions asked. And just walk away. I saw myself doing it.
What's even worse is that these revelations didn't bother me. I was calm, detached. I didn't care that I didn't want to hold him. I didn't care that I saw myself leaving him and never coming back. I didn't care that I saw myself handing him over to some firestation or police department without tears or emotion.
I almost wished that I would hear voices in my head screaming BAD MOM at me so I could at least feel guilty. But I didn't.
I have felt removed from him so many times. Like I just don't want to be there. I honestly know how you feel. And most days, I'm better. But some days, I'm not. I think PPD is something you probably deal with forever.
Please take comfort in fact that we love you and you are not alone!!
You just said what most of us are too chicken shit to say outloud to ourselves. Brave is what you are. You deserve a guilt free cupcake for that.
I wrote a post some what similar to this the other day: http://saylucky.blogspot.com/2010/06/not-what-i-t…
Mine is a bit more about feeling jipped because I had twins, because I don't really talk about my PP OCD on my blog. I should but I'm not as brave as you are. I feel the same way. Sometimes when one just wants to be held and the other is pulling all the books of my book case I just want to get up and leave. Some times I do have to walk into the other room. I get it.
yes. Sometimes I don't want to do it anymore. But. I also know that I would want the job back in an hour or a day or so. When I really really really don't want to do it anymore, I try to take a break and walk away, yes even if this means she cries for a few minutes. Crying won't kill her and she's almost one and a half so it's a little different than Harry. But yeah, I walk away sometimes. And when I don't want to sit there during bath (dude, bath can be boring, just sayin) I ask Topher to sit with her for a while and go do something else for a few minutes. Even if that something else is throwing in a load of laundry because it's (perversely) what I WANT to do. So I can remind myself that I do have a choice. I know where the door is, and I know how to operate the knob despite the childproof cover. And I choose to go back to the bathroom, most nights, and wash her hair.
But sometimes I don't.
Blair:
My daughter is 6.5 years old. I never wanted children. Didn't like them, never babysayt, planned to be on my own and living the carefree life at the beach when I got older….then I got pregnant. Everyone told me how I would fall head over heels with her the minute I held her. I felt nothing. I looked at her and tried my best to feel SOMETHING….anything, but it just wasn't there. Her Daddy changed all the diapers, fed her, everything for the first 48 hours. I knew if I was ever going to even remotely bond with her that I would need to be alone with her for a while. I kicked him out of the hospital room and then just looked at her and sobbed. That was the first time that I wanted to walk away.Correction, RUN as far away as quickly as a 48 hour old C-Section scar would let me. But I stayed.They sent us home from the hospital and she vomited day in and day out. She screamed at every meal and then delivered it right back to me. She was diagnosed with a dairy intolerance and reflux. We got over that hurdle and then I realized she couldn't move her head to one side and her arm seemed frozen. I fought the doctor tooth and nail that something was wrong. They didn't listen. Around that same time she started screaming again all the time. She became the ear infection queen, she had RSV, she ended up with asthma, months of physical and occupational therapy, and then almost died from a true reaction to dairy. All the while I cried and wondered what I had done so wrong to have this child that just couldn't be happy or healthy. I too had PPD, but they called it "anxiety." I could easily picture her dead and sometimes i wasn't even sure how I would react if that were really the case. I hated myself and everything about parenting. I lied to everyone I knew and told them that things were great, and "Oh how I loved being a Mommy" and all that unicorn farting fairy dust crap that everyone wanted to hear. No one wanted to hear how I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. I can say that 6.5 years down the road (and lots of good drugs later….) that it is better. I love her with my heart and soul and would gladly die FOR HER, but the times are still there when I remember how much I just wanted to be on the beach somewhere.
All this was to tell you that although you may feel like it, you are NOT alone. Many, many women out there share your same thoughts and struggles. Wishing you nothing but the best as you make your way through this crazy maze called parenting.
This post is very interesting to me, I can't relate. I have a demanding job, and I feel like every extra moment I can eek out is precious. I may have an irrational anxiety perhaps to the opposite. I can't spend an evening out without taking a day off of work, I exercise at rediculous hours because I can't handle it cutting into my time w my child and I'm already stressing about a vacation next year without him. I always wonder if age has an impact. I'm 33 and was married 9 years before we had a baby. I personally wasn't ready at 26. I had a lot of travelling and happy hours that I needed to get out of my system. Now that I'm older, I definitely desire to be at home more and not have a frenetic social life. I'm not saying yours is age, I just know I personally wasn't ready in my 20s.
I SOOO get what you are talking about – I have been there twice.
Wrote about not to long ago in the blog: http://thelungos.blogspot.com/2010/05/working-mom…
THANK YOU FOR THIS. Nail meet head.
I don't think age has much to do with it, as I know plenty of older mothers who feel the same way, particularly because their identity that they've created, the life that they've lived for so long, that they have become comfortable with has been rocked to the very core. But that's a whole other story.
I just wanted to say that Blair, you had me in tears throughout this post. I applaud you for your honesty. You have just put into writing these feelings that I have been burying for so long. You have given me the courage to seek out help for my own feelings, instead of continuously trying to ignore them, because they aren't the rainbows and unicorns I'm supposed to project.
I think you are courageous & stronger than you know. Harrison is blessed to have you as a Mama. It is easy to forget that in order to take care of our children, appreciate them in the way they deserve….we also have to take care of ourselves.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I no longer feel alone.
this is why i started blogging. because when i first started telling people that i had ppd and it wasn't a joke all those times when i said i was done being a mother, women started telling me they felt exactly the same way. and i was like, "why didn't you say anything before!" i felt it was my JOB as a woman, as a friend, as a fellow mother, to tell people these things. so i started blogging. and once in a while, i find myself doing that sugar-coating shit, you know what i mean, where you say, i love being a mother, but…
and i have to stop myself, and say what i really mean. today, i just don't like being a mother. today, i wish i could just be me.
you aren't alone, you never were…
When Noah was born, I didn't have that immediate "Oh my gosh! I love him so much and have waited my whole life to finally meet him!" reaction that you hear everyone talk about. Instead, I found myself thinking, "I can't wait to get to know him". I mean, we'd never met – my baby was a stranger to me, as I was to him. How could I just suddenly unconditionally be in love with a stranger? I did LOVE him, but not the way I thought I would. But, with each passing day, I've learned that the love you have for your child only gets stronger. Some people just start out ahead of the game. I was not one of those people… and there's nothing wrong with that. No one tells you those things. No one expects PPD or the Baby Blues to happen to them. But, because of people like you, expecting moms will know what can and might happen. You're helping more people than you know!
Amen! Me and my girlfriends have been talking about this very thing….
sometimes I feel horrible… but there are nights where I put her to sleep a tad bit earlier just because I NEED those few hours to myself…. just to be normal again.
Blair:
You rock. 100%. I love that you are so honest and right. This post gets two thumbs, wayyyy UP!!!, considering the fact that I have been there, one too many times, myself. I'm also guilty of tricking myself, with lies and misconceptions of motherhood. Yes, motherhood is BEAUTIFUL, but it's hard. It's a daily struggle. That feeling of 'not wanting to be there' is very unsettling, but I promise – it will resolve. It takes time. LOTS of time. (Screw the assholes, who say: PPD should only last 6-12 months. I'm living proof that it lasts longer!) I still have 'those days', and my son is fifteen months old. I hate those days… Those boys deserve love, love, and more love. I just keep going. It's all we can really do! Keep your chin up and your family close. The sun will shine again, and you and Harrison will have many, many picnics : )
"This post is very interesting to me, I can’t relate. I have a demanding job, and I feel like every extra moment I can eek out is precious. I may have an irrational anxiety perhaps to the opposite. I can’t spend an evening out without taking a day off of work, I exercise at rediculous hours because I can’t handle it cutting into my time w my child and I’m already stressing about a vacation next year without him. I always wonder if age has an impact. I’m 33 and was married 9 years before we had a baby. I personally wasn’t ready at 26. I had a lot of travelling and happy hours that I needed to get out of my system. Now that I’m older, I definitely desire to be at home more and not have a frenetic social life. I’m not saying yours is age, I just know I personally wasn’t ready in my 20s."
I'm with Liz that I can't relate. But I'm really sorry you feel that way, though obviously you're not alone, and I think it's great that you put it out there. Liz, I'm in my late 20s and I feel how you do – I want to spend and savor every last moment with my little guy. I love being a mom, as I knew I would. As much as I love my son, though, I'm also glad to be a working mom and get a break and have that balance in life. I think that helps me truly appreciate every moment I get to spend with him.
Yes, being a mom is certainly all-consuming and I sometimes miss having free time to myself, but I still do so love it. I hope that other women who feel that way can speak up, too, as the comments on this post would make it seem like most moms really don't like being moms a lot of the time, and that's sad.
People who pretend motherhood is sunshine and rainbow and cuppycakes are either fooling themselves or lying.
Is life with Molly everything I expected? Nope. It's been easier at times and harder at times. There have been days where I get so tired of spending all my time alone with her and I want to scream and cry and just take a break, walk away. I busted my ass to get a degree and for what? To stay at home and change diapers. WTF? It really gets to me sometimes.
Other days,on good ones, my heart is full of love for this little person I created. Yet, I still have this disconnect for the baby that grew in my belly for nine months and this child who has been on the outside for 9 months. I definitely do not feel as connected as I feel that I should.
BA–I want to thank you for being so honest. Motherhood is so hard sometimes, and having people around who "get it", even if they're just e-friends is an amazing support system.
Love you.
Can you get Late Onset PPD?
I know I should be encouraging, etc. But, I've got to tell you that having teenager and young adult children is mind boggling! It's a daily lesson in humility. And my kids really don't give me grief. It's more me. You'd think with experience it would get better/easier? It doesn't.
Last Sunday the message was (and I paraphrase): "We're all effed up, some of us just fake normal better than others." Then the rest of the message was about accepting our effed-up-ed-ness, and focusing on the wonder of God. I think the point was to let our broken bits fall where they may as we keep our eyes on the positive parts of life.
I think.
Three cheers for truth!
you're not alone. and I'm not alone. and I hope that a new mother who feels ashamed at "not wanting" motherhood for however fleeting or long a moment will stumble across this post and realize that she's not alone either.
yes. there are times when I have physically ached for the way my life was before my son was born. I have thought of the times I've read things like "I can't remember what it was like before he was born!" and I'd feel ashamed because I *could* and I MISSED THOSE DAYS.
There have been time when I've sobbed. Thinking, "what have we done?" Then sobbed harder because motherhood wasn't something I was supposed to fail at. And I felt like a failure.
And you know what? I don't have PPD or PPA, and my baby didn't have colic. I'm just a run-of-the-mill working mom who – gasp! – doesn't have her shit together some of the time. (ok. most of the time).
Now, as my son approaches his first birthday, I find that I'm inching closer to being at peace with it. And I truly believe it happens to the best of us and I wish you all the love and support in the world as you battle your way back to an even keel.
"This post is very interesting to me, I can’t relate. I have a demanding job, and I feel like every extra moment I can eek out is precious. I may have an irrational anxiety perhaps to the opposite. I can’t spend an evening out without taking a day off of work, I exercise at rediculous hours because I can’t handle it cutting into my time w my child and I’m already stressing about a vacation next year without him. I always wonder if age has an impact. I’m 33 and was married 9 years before we had a baby. I personally wasn’t ready at 26. I had a lot of travelling and happy hours that I needed to get out of my system. Now that I’m older, I definitely desire to be at home more and not have a frenetic social life. I’m not saying yours is age, I just know I personally wasn’t ready in my 20s."
It's as if Liz nailed it perfectly for me with this answer. But again, I really do feel for you and many others who struggle with what you are saying and I really love your honesty, it's refreshing!
I've talked to patients about the 'Myth of Motherhood' — and yes, it absolutely exists. You are not crazy for thinking this, nor are you a bad person. You are a human being – and being a mother can be a thankless, overwhelming, exhausting and frustrating experience. You are normal.
I don't want to blather on about 'blaming society' for creating and perpetuating this notion of the perfect mother since its kind of a dead horse, but I strongly encourage you to cast off the feelings and burdens of what you feel like you "should" be doing and to stop judging/comparing yourself to others. It's just not helpful. And can be downright dangerous.
You'll find your own path (and seem to be carving your own through this blog). There is no 'right' way to be a mother, except to love and nuture your child.
I really love your honesty and as a someday mother, I APPRECIATE it. I hate what women do to each other in this aspect of life. I'm going through infertility treatments and sometimes I think, "What if I don't even want to be a mom? What if I go through all this, my kid gets here, and I don't even like him/her? And he/she doesn't like me either?" The most freeing thing I've come up with through all this is to just let myself feel what I feel, no matter how ugly or terrible it is. Take a deep breath, address the dragon, move on down the road. I'm not all stickers and sunshine all the time, and I know KNOW my kid won't be either, no matter how many danged injections I have to get to get him or her here!
Honey, I have 5 children. Only 2 of them are "mine", the other 3 are stepchildren I have full time. I will admit, I didn't have quite the stress you did, but still had moments, in the first few months, thinking WHY DID WE DO THIS??? It's not that I don't love my baby – it's just that sometimes parenthood sucks.
And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but with two teenagers, I can tell you it doesn't ACTUALLY go away.
I think that it is totally normal to miss your freedom. Totally normal. I also think that a lot of other commenters are right, the second one IS easier. Even if they are harder. I wish everyone would get an easy baby for their first! Also, I agree that ~18 months or so something changes and things get a LOT easier, even with the terrible twos. Some babies are terribly frustrated at not walking and/or talking; my youngest was that way. He screamed for 12 months straight. (I remember my mom coming down to help when he was 2 months old, and I had taken him for a walk. We walked in the door and he was (still) screaming, and she said, "Ah, crying. Jasper's back.") Long story short (too late) he got SO much easier when he learned to walk. He actually smiles! and laughs! and sleeps! I predict good things in store for you in just a few months.
One last thing: I was complaining to a girlfriend, who has the two most amazing boys aged 9 and 11, and is in my eyes close to a perfect mom, that "sometimes I don't want to be around the kids." She replied: "It isn't normal to want to be around your children 24/7. I don't know anyone who wants that." Hearing that from HER was incredibly comforting.
1) It will get better after the first year- at least it did for me. I had many of these same thoughts. I tell people all the time to give me a toddler over a newborn/infant any day! 2) part of this feeling is because honestly we are all a little selfish. I know I am and when you have a little one you really can't be selfish. It's a hard adjustment (try being 30 and 37 and set in your ways!) There are days even now when I just want to let someone else do it all. It is a lot caring for another human being 100% –hello pressure!
There are many of us out there that feel this way but it is not talked about like you said. Good for you for speaking your truth! I do pray you start healing and enjoying this time with H. As much as it pains me to say this, they really are never this little again and time flies.
THANK YOU! I so needed this post.
Well said. I adopted my son, so didn't have any physical impediments, but felt so many of the same things. I missed my old life so much! And nobody could guess how lonely and sad I was. I was so ashamed. And it never for a second meant I didn't want him, or love him. It just…was.
Thank you for jumping out of the closet. You are so much braver and stronger then you give yourself credit for. Hand in there.
After reading all of these comments, I'm not even sure what I want to say!
Everyone feels overwhelmed and tired sometimes. There are definitely days when I can't wait to hand off my son when my husband walks through the door. The difference is I WANT to come back. That's when the problem begins, when you don't want to come back.
Good luck Blair! Here's hoping your back to you soon!
I'm glad you're telling everyone this. It's helpful even for those of us who aren't pregnant yet. It keeps it very real and while it won't keep me from having kids, I like to know that it's ok to have these feelings. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom, it means you're human.
Hang in there Blair… you're so real and honest. That's what people really need.
Dude. I get you. Totally.
I went out for a cocktail with friends last Friday afternoon and almost cried when I had to leave because in that moment, I was free. FREE, I tell you. And my Dos Equis Ambar had never tasted better.
But I love my kid. I do. Even though I never, ever had that fairy fart moment where I saw him and fell instantly in love with him and all that jazz.
Hmmm…. I was very frustrated during pregnancy by all the women that were EXCITED for motherhood. I couldn't relate. I was NOT excited. I dreaded it. I knew it was going to be okay, but the idea of having my entire HAPPY life turned upside down, was not appealing.
And the truth is, I love motherhood. And I tell that to other people. But I was not disillusioned during pregnancy. So I guess the trick is to go into it without illusions and you may end up totally loving it. I realize you can't go back and undo your expectations. But what does it matter if the duck was cloroxed? I think too many just place too many expectations on themselves. Is he surviving? Healthy? Then you're doing your job. You don't HAVE to love it. You just have to keep him alive and generally happy, to the best of your abilities. It's okay if he gets sick. If he bonks his head. You will not protect him from everything. Because the more we can relax as parents the happier our children will be.
I don't think that made any sense. I'm just saying it's possible to love motherhood AND not be disillusioned, it just requires a significant dial down of expectations and a very messy house.
I never realized how truly selfish of a person I am until I had a baby. It is something I struggle with daily. Just a few weeks ago, I thought to myself, "You know, you weren't ready for this. You weren't ready to give up all that you've had to." It's a hard thing to come to grips with.
I have an easy baby. I'm not trying to rub anything in at all, but what I am saying is that even though I know I've had it easy, I have been so selfish, wanting to put the kiddo in the pack'n'play so I could take a nap, or getting frustrated because all I want to do is play on Facebook and she keeps pounding the keyboard. And I feel bad to admit it, because playing on the computer or watching the latest episode of Glee seems more important to me. Not because it is, but because I NEED A BREAK.
And I think every mother has these moments. It's part of being human. I'm not trying to give any of us an excuse, but rather, encourage us in that we're not alone. We are not alone in any of this, as I'm sure you've all noticed by the number of posts.
Where do we go from here? I'm not sure. But I have a feeling that after some adjustment, we'll figure it out. And everyone's adjustment time is different. I'm thinking I won't be fully adjusted until my LO graduates high school, then I'll have to adjust to her being gone.
You'll make it, Blair. And the best part? All Harrison understands right now is that you do love him. And that's all he'll remember.
I appreciate the honesty. I am not a mother, hoplessly trying it seems right now and I just wish I had your balls to be honest about how miserable and broken I feel.
I wonder if there's a magic age that I can look at this all as looking "back" on it. I wonder when the moment will come where it's all a memory and not my LIFE.
You are awesome….I'm so glad I found your blog! I sometimes feel just the way you do, and because I don't want to be a liar, let me tell you that it gets way worse once they hit 18 months – 2 years. Like, way, way worse.
So all I can say is that while it's sucky right now, it only gets suckier. I often look at that boy of mine and think he's lost his mind. But then again, we decided to do it again and now I'm 5 months pregnant, so, really, who's the crazy one here?
I'm really surprised by what I'm reading here. I know your experience is colored by the lens of PPD – and I can understand that. I am stunned though, at how unhappy so many of the comments seem.
Like Liz and Erin, I cannot relate to these feelings. Have I had totally crappy days due exclusively to parenthood? You bet. Have I had totally crappy days due to my job? Sure. Due to my relationships/husband/marriage? Yep. Due to my (insert other adult responsibility here – home ownership, bills, parents/siblings, etc)? Definitely.
I guess what I am surprised by is the notion that other mothers are perpetuating a lie simply because they are not pointing out the obvious: that parenthood, like adulthood, has some seriously crappy moments. Yes, some days are full of suck. Most are not. Yes, you do lose a lot of "me" time. And yes, sometimes you just want to walk (run?) away from that reality. But just like the urge to quit your job just because your boss bitched at you yesterday passes, so does the idea of running away from your child because you wanted some down time.
I can't say how it feels if you have PPD – because I was fortunate enough not to have it. So for sure YMMV – and I *do* understand that. I'm just saddened by how many comments (from what I assume are not PPD suffers in most cases) seem bummed out at their choice to have kids.
THANK YOU. You know that book "Pregnancy Sucks?" Well more than once I have contemplated writing "Motherhood Sucks." Seriously. It is infinitely harder than anyone let on. I thought it was going to be this totally blissed out thing, when really I am more tired and overwhelmed than I've ever been. Ever. I do love my son, but that's almost besides the point, know what I mean?
Thank you SO much for posting this. So refreshing to know I'm not alone!
Blair, I love this post..An honest opinion, YES..I can't even recall the number of times I said
"this is not what I signed up for" What are all those other moms talking about?? And then there is the horrible guilt because you have those feelings….
Having a baby changes things. No one knows exactly what to expect and everyone reacts differently. I don't feel lied to by other mothers at all. Motherhood is a full time job ( I adopted one and gave birth to one within a 3 week period) but it is the one thing that has given me the life that I always dreamed of. I can honestly say that I have never had feelings of "Why did I do this". I'm not judging you at all…it's just that not all mothers have those feelings. I struggled with infertility and multiple miscarriages for years. Maybe that gave me a different perspective? I don't know. It was just such a struggle to get where I am. It's definitely easier on this side of infertility. I don't mind one bit not having my old life. I tried so long to get a new one that included children that I wouldn't go back for anything.
I don't know what having PPD is like. I imagine that it's like being trapped on a roller coaster. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it.
I agree with EvieBugMama.."I’m just saddened by how many comments (from what I assume are not PPD suffers in most cases) seem bummed out at their choice to have kids." I can tell you, I wouldn't trade my choice for the world.
I have no idea if you read these because there are always 8 gabillion comments (someone's popular! haha), but I'm going to tell you what someone told me about 3 months before I had my baby. It sounds a little harsh, but it helped me a lot. Warning: I'm not very eloquent.
When the baby comes out, it's okay if you don't just love her right away. I know that sounds awful, but you've just worn yourself out through childbirth, and here comes this person, this new person you've never met before. You expect the angels to decend from heavens and a faint halo to be above your baby, to whip on an apron, slap on some pearls, and make a mean egg frittata for all your hospital guests. (in heels no less!) But it's not quite as puppies and rainbows as that. You're still getting to know your baby, kwim? There are going to be moments where to be around them takes your breath away, and there are going to be moments where they are red-faced in the floor of Target throwing a tantrum. In those moments, you love them, but you might not like them a whole lot, or at least their actions.
The good news is that for most people the good moments heavily outweigh the bad ones. Sometimes things will be hard, sometimes they'll be great. But at the end of the day if you do what's best for you and your family and love them with all you got, that's what a good momma is!
The end
I really relate to this post. IRL, none of my friends seem to feel this way and I definitely feel alone in my moments of despair. Someone commented here that those commenting seem "bummed out at their choice to have kids." I don't think that's the issue at all — it's the grief over the figural death of your perception of what it would be like to have kids. Every baby is different, so perhaps those that can't relate to this post have a baby that meets or fulfills their expectations of what life as a mother would be like? My son has been a really difficult baby so far and I also have PPD. I think those two things combined have turned my parenting experience upside down. It's just not at all what I expected. That doesn't take away from the love I have for my son, it's just been and continues to be an adjustment to a daily life I didn't anticipate.
I often wondered, when I had a newborn screaming in my arms ALL DAY, why no one told me it would be like this. It's like an unspoken code among women — let the new mamas figure it out for themselves. Don't tell 'em, or it'll scare 'em.
Since having my baby (and surviving PPD), I try to tell it like it is. The good stuff and the bad. Because it's not all roses. And, more than anything, I needed NOT to feel like I was a freak in those early days … that I was the ONLY mother on the planet struggling so badly. I wish someone had given me a little heads-up that, hey, you're not alone.
I have never had PPD, but this post is absolutely on point. It isn't so much that motherhood is "harder" it just kind of sucks sometimes. My son had reflux in a major way, and I would go balisitic everytime somebody would say he was colicy any time he would cry… Thank you for being so honest and tell us we are not the only ones thinking this way.
Hi Blair. I love your blog and how honest you are. I am 26 and my husband and I are thinking about having kids in the next couple years. Im really thankful for your blog because I really want to know the darker side of parenting before stepping into it. I want to be somewhat prepared for the good and the bad. So thank you for being honest. I am not ready yet…im too selfish and I will admit that. When I think of being a mom the first thing that comes to mind is rainbow stuff..cuddles, coo's, watching my husband hold our baby.. blah blah but I don't want to have a baby to fufill me or make me whole and happy. I guess they were never meant to. Only God can fill that part of us. Im scared about being a mom…but I can't picture my life without a family! But I also recieved some good advice from a mamma who was at her sons wedding. She wished that she would have enjoyed the early stages more. In a blink of an eye her son was grown up and ready to leave home. She told me it will be hard but try and enjoy each moment when they are young because before you know it they are off starting their own life. I hope I can remember that when Im sleep deprived and longing for some freedom. Thanks again for your blog. You are AMAZING and wonderful.
I just can't relate. Motherhood has been the opposite of emotions for me. I have loved every moment of it. Do I think I was lied to? No. But, like most things in life I figured there would be good and bad. I didn't think it was going to be perfect ALL THE TIME. That's just impossible. Everything sucks sometimes – marriage can be boring, friends can be draining, jobs can be tiring. And parenthood is all of that combined into one.
I too, do not have PPD. I still have days just like this. And I must confess, I have a good baby. She smiles, she coos. She's had gas but nothing that a bit of mylicon won't help. I still want to walk away from her at times.
Nobody tells you how DIFFERENT life is. They say you won't sleep, you won't ever be alone again, you'll love her so much. That's all true, but what about the feelings you just push down because they are not MOTHERLY feelings?
Thank you Blair!! For speaking like it is!
I feel really sad that there are so many people that agree with you on this. I think it is great support which you are obviously desperate for but I am shocked at how many people have this feeling. I never thought that becoming more fulfilled with my life after I had my daughter would make me an outcast.
There are countless times throughout my motherhood journey, where I stopped and thought, "Now why didn't anyone tell me about THIS?" There have been many times that I have just wished for my old life back. Of course, you can't say things like THAT out loud because people look at you like you are the worst mother on the planet. Does it make me a bad parent to miss the life I use to have, even though I love my child more than anything in the world? I don't think so. Thanks Blair, for always keeping it real, and for saying things out loud that so many are screaming silently in their heads.
Blair -
I have followed you on the bump and your blog for a while but never felt compelled or comfortable enough to comment. After reading your post I just want to say, like a lot of other folks, that I get it and at times have felt exactly the same way. I, too, feel a lot of guilt for admitting that I don't love it. At times, I long for my life before. My son is in general an easy baby and that makes my guilt even worse. I am trying to be patient and believe that my feelings are natural / normal.
So, thanks for saying it and thanks for all your followers who echoed your sentiments.
Wow it's nice to see this written out Blair and I commend you for it! I silently think these thoughts sometimes too and feel like the world's worst mother when I do
Thank you for this post!
I don't have children yet but we are going to start trying to get pregnant in 2 months.
I know motherhood is hard but i have always thought it would still be amazing, i would be in love with my child, i would love being a mom and everything would be perfect… My life would be changed for the better and i would never look back.
Reading this post and a lot of the comments shocked me and completely scared me. What if i don't like being a mom?
I appreciate you writing the post and for everyone being so honest. It's not as if it made me decide to not have children, i still want to have children but at least i will go into it and be prepared that not everything is as wonderful as people make it seem.
Thank you!
Good for you for saying it! I don't think you can possibly be prepared for what motherhood will feel like. Even though on some level I knew the sacrifice, there was no way I could totally comprehend the fact that my time is no longer mine. AT ALL. I mean, I'm an adult, so I can do what I want, right? Well, no, not if the baby is crying… I can't just press "pause" on his cries while I finish eating my dinner or watching the last 5 seconds of TV. And he doesn't have a snooze button if I need a few more minutes of sleep. You get used to it, sure, and he's worth the sacrifice.. but there are definitely moments when it feels more like "work."
I have to agree with the people that say, I honestly can't relate. Motherhood has been the best experience of my life. Yes there are definitely days where I'm ready to tear my hair out and hope that he takes a LONG nap, but honestly those days are not numerous, and I definitely don't question my choice to become a mother. I'm so saddened by so many people saying that they do, I'm glad they feel comfortable admitting it, but it still saddens me. I don't feel I was lied to at all, but then I don't look to others to form my opinions or draw conclusions from, I look at every situation myself, of course NOTHING is unicorn farts and rainbows all the time, NOTHING in life is that, and for every mom, or soon to be mom out there, if that is what you seriously expected I feel very sorry for you.
Thank you for this post. It encouraged me to write about my similar feelings on my blog.
My expectations about motherhood are very different from my reality. It's always nice to know that others feel the same way.
I was saying the exact same thing to my hubby last night when talking about PPD after my firstborn. (It was horrible). He is now 7, but it feels like yesterday.
All it takes is a scent in the air or a certain soap in the bathroom and I'm taken back to that hell.
I can't decide if all moms are lying when they say they are super happy from the second their baby is born, and they never have moments of wanting out, or if there are some moms that feel that way, but PPD robs us of that completely. I tend to think people are sugar coating it big time, which totally isn't fair.
I remember an acquaintance saying to me, right after her first was born and she was home for about a week. She said, "I had NO idea. About a lot of things. About how hard this is. About how it's not instantly fabulous."
I teared up and all I could reply was, "Me neither."
I feel I have to add here that many of the readers of this blog may be dealing with PPD. Or be moms that have survived PPD. Because of that, they will obviously feel similar and relieved to hear someone else blurt it out.
It doesn't mean you're wrong for being a happy mom! But I don't want anyone running back into the closet because some posters are *shocked*.
I totally see what you are saying. I am at home and I love it. Please do not get me wrong, I thank God and my husband everyday that I don't dread Monday for going back to work and my day is spent caring for our sweet boy. But, there is at least one day a week were I am begging for nap time. I just need me time, I just need quiet. I remember life when I was miss career woman and doing things on my terms and get nostalgic. I love being a mom and I love my little boy to pieces and most days I can not get enough of him. But, suddenly out of no where, I am in a puddle of tears because I just need a break or silence or someone else to feed him because I am sick of picking it up off the floor. I think every woman can relate at some level and those that can't remind me of the women who tell you that pregnancy is without a doubt the most fullfilling and pleasant time in thier lives. Motherhood is hard, wonderful work but then all the good things in life generally are.
ps. My aunt sent me a Hallmark card that said a short version of what you said when baby boy was 4 months old. Your not the only one, even Hallmark realizes it. Keep your chin up BA, just keep looking through the clouds God's got you a rainbow.
Dealing with reflux is the pits. It's very difficult for me to relate to moms who don't have to deal with this condition in their LOs – not to say that they have it any easier or harder than me, it's just the conversations aren't as open with someone who isn't in the same situation. I continue to root for you to beat PPD, and for your LO to beat the reflux that makes life difficult as a new mom.
This post, and many of the responses, make me sad. Blair, I know you are struggling, and I do not question that what you write is what you feel…and I really appreciate your candor and hope that things get better for you. But like a few others have said, I cannot relate. I don't feel like I was lied to…I had many people tell me that motherhood is hard, but also that with those difficulties come some of the most wonderful moments. And I agree.
I was never one who thought I'd have kids…it wasn't until I'd been married almost 10 years that the desire for a baby hit. And I didn't spend my pregnancy thinking that every moment of motherhood would be roses. With the cherubic smiles comes screaming and poop. And while I definitely have my days where I hope that R will take a long nap, or that hubby will take him with him to run errands, I have not had moments of not wanting to be a mom since R was born.
I don't write this to criticize AT ALL. I realize I am lucky. But I also didn't realize how many people feel like you do…that they were lied to…and that makes me really, really sad.
So so so true. Blair, I hope you get interviewed by the Today show someday. You have a lot to say that needs to be heard by a lot of people. I agree with this 100% and have to say, now that I have children, when I hear of women that drive into a lake with their kids in the car, I get it. I know where they're coming from. I wish they had someone say what you're saying to them. You go, girl.
Dude. I don't even have kids but I totally relate because I feel like that about my marriage. I love my husband, have no desire to be single, we (mostly) get along great…but it's not what I expected. It's been 3 years and I still have nights where I comptemplate running away. But I wouldn't! I just have random urges because it's hard work sometimes and my belief is that marriage is forever and when we get into lifelong commitments without really knowing the full disclosure in the beginning it's human nature to feel a little gipped. But god forbid I admit that irl because then it seems like I'm in a bad marriage or I'm crazy or a bad wife. But I can't be the only one, can I?
You are so brave for what you wrote, and I really admire you for it. I haven't had PPD, but I have had very severe clinical depression and there is no way in those periods I would feel comfortable opening myself up the way you do. I want children terribly, and the reason why I haven't had them, why I'm waiting FAR FAR longer than I'd like is because I was lucky enough to have women in my life from a very early age give me the low down on real life motherhood. Then I spent my late teens/early twenties as a full time LIVE IN nanny (so basically a paid surrogate mother) and it was HARD. I don't feel blinded by high expectations like I was about marriage, so maybe things will be different for me? Either way, we women should just be more honest about all that stuff anyway. What's with this illusion of perfection so many of us have? Like we can't even tell our BFFs that we hate our life choices or feel like we suck at certain things sometimes. Like others have said commitments are hard. Marriage, work, family, children. We need to be honest and stop comparing ourselves. Okay, Blair. You don't make cookies with a smile and sparkling teeth for your husband every day after work and your baby is not always clean and smiling and you are not always rainbows and sunshine. So what? It's okay. Stop stressing about yourself. You're a good, kind person who DOES love her son and her husband and furbaby. You are motivated and hard working and compassionate and smart and loved. By Harrison, Nate and probably a million other people. And you deserve that. Dont' feel bad about feeling bad. It's a crazy vicious cycle and quite frankly, we (as women) are TERRIBLE about that and should all make a pact to stop it now.
Also, someone commented this article a few weeks ago on your blog that I found absolutely beautiful, enlightening and relevant, and in case you didn't read it I thought I'd post it again. http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/wayoflife/05/03/o….
XoXo
Loves for you. ::pats chest twice with fist and then flashes a peace sign::
I can certainly say that I am not the mother I thought I would be, but every day that thought drives me to be better.
You are not alone in these feelings. God bless you for being so honest.
I agree completely with R's Mom. I don't feel lied to and I am not saying that to criticize you or make you feel like a horrible person, but motherhood is everything I expected and more.
I also SAH with my kids and even though they are with me 24/7 and I would sometimes love to pass the buck and go off and get a pedicure ALL ALONE, 99% of the time I LOVE it. I wouldn't go back to work for a million dollars. I have never once wished I never had kids or even waited a little bit longer.
I think it depends on the type of person you are. We are all different and I also think that this plays a big role in women who choose to go back to work and those who don't (when they CAN people who HAVE to work excluded).
I feel this exact. Same. Way.
A lot.
The monotony and repetition of having a baby can be so exhausting. I have to tackle dinner.. Now I have to tackle bathtime.. And great, NOW I GET TO FIGHT MY DAUGHTER TO GO TO SLEEP. I never EVER thought I'd say it, but I'm glad I went back to work. It gives me a break. I'm such a better mom to Nellie when I'm away from her for a while. It makes me enjoy and appreciate my time with her so much more.
You AREN'T alone, because I have felt the exact same way. Sometimes I read blogs of women who have this perfect home, with a perfect husband, and they have their perfect dinners ready each night, with their perfect baby and I want to throttle them. Where are the moms who can't manage to find the energy or desire to do a load of laundry, or who eat Spaghetti-Os out of a can because putting something together is just too much? WHERE ARE THEY?
Sometimes, I find myself thinking back on my life prebaby and feeling really sad that those days are gone and over forever. I love my daughter, and I wanted motherhood more than anything but I still mourn for my old, carefree life just a little bit from time to time.
Iam genuinely sorry to hear about all your struggles…although my situation compares nothing to yours…I can "somewhat" see where you are coming from…I pretend to have it all together on my blog and real life, but I truly ache inside and feel like I cant tell anyone due to the fear of being judged that I cant succeed like all the other moms…especially when I am alone all day with the kids…I dont even share this stuff with my husband…Iam on the verge of crying out…but dont know how to go about doing it…I feel trapped sometimes…On a different note… must ask…do you plan on having more kids?
I read this post and the responses, as well as the blog response over at Emmiebee. It is a very interesting discussion you all are having and I do wonder how much of that feeling is the PPD.
I, like other commentators, have not felt that way very often. I enjoy my time with my baby, though some days are not as good as others. But I do not have PPD. And I have only begun recently to work a very part-time position to which I bring my baby along. And I have a VERY easy going baby (gets that from her daddy). So I feel very, very blessed.
I was told parenting is hard before I had my daughter. I went into it knowing it was hard, and knowing that no amount of preparation would help me since I think you have to experience parenting to really understand its ups and downs. I don't feel lied to. But there are definitely nights where I just.want.to.sleep. And days where I wish I could get done what I want to get done without hauling along my baby, making every trip twice as long.
I wish you the best, Blair. I hope it will keep getting bettter so you can enjoy the nightly bath routine. But don't be hard on yourself in the meantime. He is fed, clothed, safe and loved. That is what he needs from you!
Thank you for the honesty. Due in July and wondering what this whirlwind will look like in reality. We're pretty rationale reasonable people, but I know it's always different than what you expect. The couple times I've expressed any worries to family or friends they say something sickening like "you won't care about that when you stare in his eyes". Well, I know that part will be fabulous, I really do. But you don't stop being a human, right?! Why can't I also acknowledge that I had an eating disorder and the thought of being overweight legitimately worries me. I think that's a valid concern along with all the other worries and expectations that come with parenthood.
Most people just don't want to hear it.
Anyway…. thanks for sharing!!
Well said! There is no reason to sugar coat your feelings I have the exact same feeling most days (today being one of them). I have stopped pasting on the fake smile and telling them how rough it can be. I would never in a million years give them up but I would like to put them on pause for a little while.
I am really sorry some others were so heartless and rude making those terrible comments. I wish others could just try and imagine being in someone elses shoes!
It's like you wrote the words directly from my thoughts. My friends always tell me I am scaring them into never getting pregnant. I just let them know I don't want them to feel lied to. I also make sure to mention the whole " everyone is different" speech- because it's true, many people feel differently about motherhood. Being a good friend is telling to truth and that's what I am doing. I let them know I think all women (who can) should experience pregnancy once, if you can handle it again, definitely go for it! Even though none of my friends are close to having children, I want them to know my side of the story, just in case they end up feeling the same way.