Remember those God-awful essays in school? SO boring & pointless. Because you’d drone on & on about the pool and tulips & bonding with your mother when in reality, you spent your spring break on your period, hating the world until you were TRIPLE-DOG-DARED to make-out with Brace-face Brian behind the bushes outside the tennis courts. & if that weren’t bad enough, your older brother taught you a Boy Scout song about whacking the willy.
NOT THAT I EVER HAD A SPRING BREAK LIKE THAT, MOMMA & DADDY.
& not that I get Spring Breaks anymore. But this spring, I took a week off.
& spent it in the hospital.
For those of you that have been wondering where I’ve been this past week, you could find me in the postpartum psych ward of a local hospital, per my doctor’s orders & by my own will. Because I was a shadow of the person I used to be & that is no way to live. I laid low all weekend & on Monday, May 17th, I was admitted with severe postpartum depression with presentation of psychosis.
I had hit a new low – a combination of the trigger from the screaming baby at my support group & an over-medication of my drugs back-firing on me. I was on an incredibly high dose of anti-depressants, which sent the already present patterns of postpartum psychosis into a rapid, terrifying tail spin. & so for a week, I have lived at the hospital, eating decently mediocre hospital food, writing THE OLD FASHIONED WAY, & desperately anticipating daily visits from my family.
It took a week of intense therapy & a lightening fast change of meds that can only be done in-patient (that also leads to wicked withdrawel symptoms). & I still have a long way to go. But I am on new meds & definitely feeling more like myself than I have in almost seven moths.
& to that I say, “Hello, Blair. Welcome back. I missed the hell out of you.”
Glad you're home – I'm wondering what it was like for you to not post for a week? Was it a relief? Did you miss us like we missed you?
I recently had an interesting experience with an antidepressant dose that was too much for me – caused insane panic attacks. It's a bit frightening what can happen with these drugs that alter our brain chemistry, isn't it? You sound hopeful again. =)
I hope you continue to feel hopeful and make progress. We're glad you're back.
Welcome back, Blair!
I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And I'm all "oh I mentioned you in a blog" such a tool I am. I'm glad you're home and that you're starting to feel more yourself. Asking for help is always a good thing. Getting it is even better.
So glad you're back, and even more glad that you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself. You were very missed, but take as much time as you need to take care of yourself – I know I will be here ready to hear from you whenever you're ready, and I'm sure I'm not the only one! We won't go anywhere in the meantime. Glad to hear things are improving though!
i missed you so much! but like everyone else, am very glad you got help and were taken care of!
Welcome back Blair! Sending lots of good vibes your way!
So happy you're back! But more than that, happy that you're doing better. Take care of yourself and your family – your blog can wait if necessary (although you are definitely missed!!) and know that you have lots of thoughts & prayers coming your way!
Welcome back!!
Welcome back Blair, you were missed!!! I really hope you feel like yourself for a long time to come. My heart goes out to you and what you have gone through.
Karen
Welcome back! You were certainly missed- but I am so glad you took some time off. Hang in there. I am rooting for you.
I have been thinking about you! I'm just a new follower and new blogger but have commented here and there and have read your blog since before you were pregnant. I was talking to my husband and said I thought you probably had to go to the psych ward (almost checked in myself). Although I don't know you, you are in my prayer as you pop in my mind throughout the day. Proud of what you are doing for all of us who have been through it!
Hi Beth Ann, I have read your blog for awhile and also shared message boards on thebump. I am speechless at how hard it has been for you. You are so brave to take the steps you have and to share your experiences with others. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about what you must be going through. I wish you well!
So proud of you, mama! Thank you for sharing with us. You're an inspiration!
Your honesty is beautiful! Sometimes when I feel like I'm going bonkers, I can't tell if it's normal. Love reading your blog. Thank you!
Welcome back! I was starting to worry- good for you for taking time off. Sending thoughts and prayers to you guys! You were missed!
I am thinking about you and praying for you Blair. You are so unbelievably strong and brave and we all appreciate your honesty and love you dearly!
Welcome back Blair! We all missed you!
Welcome home! As a mental health therapist, I can't begin to say how great it is that you got this help. I think people think you only go to the hospital if you're suicidal, but sometimes it's the best place for rapid med overhauls to prevent things from going that far downhill. I've had a bunch of clients go inpatient for exactly this reason. It's too dangerous to change meds that quickly on an outpatient basis. I shudder to think of what you went through over the past few days. lol you MUST feel better just to have that behind you! I imagine you're evaluating how much to share and how to do it in a way that's therapeutic for you, but I'm so pleased you've chosen to share this. You'll probably never know how many people you've helped and maybe even saved by sharing your story about how you've sought help. Best of luck to you and your sweet family.
I've missed your words and strength but I am so happy that you took a break and reached for the help that you so badly needed. You are truly an inspiration. You and your family are in my prayers.
hang in there mama! We are all rooting for you.
Blair,
I can't tell you what your HONEST blog posts have done for me. I have been suffering silently from PPD for quite awhile now, I can finally feel myself coming out of it, although mine was nowhere near as severe as yours. You continually uplift me in your writing…& I will continue to uplift you in my prayers.
Harrison is a cutie!
We're all pulling for ya girl! Good for you for getting the help. You are a great mama and it shows! Feel better!
Welcome home, darling. Here’s to new beginnings (of sorts)!
I’m not only glad that you are heading in the right direction, but also that you got help.
I'm so glad that you're doing what you need to do to take care of you. You're in my prayers and I hope that this week off has helped!
Blair – I've commented a few times, as your story has touched me. I also was in a psych hospital for a week as well, for extreme PPAnxiety. It is a long road, but you WILL get better, it will just take some time. While our experiences may have been different, I know some of the feelings you were/are having. It's hard. Really hard. You are a wonderful mother for doing this for YOU and your family. The hardest part is asking for help sometimes. I'm glad you got the help you needed, that is admirable. So many people don't understand. I do. Hang in there, you will be back to yourself. Hugs.
So glad you're back and that you had the courage to get help and to write about it. You rock.
HI!
Just wanted to say to you so glad that your back you were definitely missed out here in mommy blog universe and over all i think all your readers and friends just missed you. I did. you have always been so brave to put this out there for us to read about, that is an amazing thing. i believe that you are being well taken care of an know when something is off. We all pray and hope that the demons will soon go away.Im glad you got a change of meds which seems to help and and more help when you needed it. Just know that the circle of moms is all around you to be there to lift you up and give you positive reinforcement. If you ever doubt it just read the comments! we love you and are so glad that you are back, i know i checked every day ( i admit your blog is something i look forward to reading every single day) heres to things looking up! and welcome home! xoxo
Ah honey, I've missed you. :: hugs:: welcome back.
Missed you darling – glad you are home and safe and doing a bit better xxoo
Blair-Thank you for sharing your story. It must be so empowering to so many different women. Keep on working it out.
I'm so glad you're doing what's best for you! Prayers and E Hugs that this really does help!!
Take care of yourself!
I was there with you. When baby boy was 3 months old, I was admitted to a psych ward for 72 hrs w same diagnosis (w anxiety and panic). I'm glad yours was one focused on ppd and not general psych patients. not the fondest time I will look back on, but pivotal, for sure. I hope for you, it will commence the beginning of true healing, baby boy turning 10 months this week, and I am shocked when a couple of days go by and I almost feel a bit like my old self…it's a long process. but we'll be better for it.
and as I've said before, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. best blog out there… and got a bunch of my ppd friends into it.
Missed you tons! Glad you are back.
I'm so glad you're okay. SO sorry you had to go through all that. Missed you and the mommy bloggy world just wasn't the same without you. Continuing to keep you in my prayers.
glad you're safe! welcome back, we missed you
Blair,
So glad you are okay, prayers for your continued healing!
You are SO brave to put this out there, congratulations on that as well!!
While I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now Blair, I am INCREDIBLY happy and PROUD of you for doing exactly what you needed to regain control of a situation that seemingly had none.
I will say it again, because it is worth repeating, I am very, very proud of you girl. I wish you nothing but the very best. Thank you for being honest and brave enough to tell your story.
I'll say it again; "you go girlfriend". And by "go" I mean take it where it needs to go for the good stuff to happen. And if an inpatient ward is where that was then good on you. I'm glad you had the guts to do what needed to be done. We're all too familiar with the stereotypical thoughts surrounding psychiatric illness, so it takes a lot to willingly and openly put yourself out there.
YAY for you being BACK! Could you make a v-log of you singing the boy scout song about the willy whacking?
But seriously, so proud of you. You’re still in my prayers.
missed you, proud of you, love you.
hi blair
So happy that you feel better on the new medication and welcome back. You are very brave to put everything out there here on your blog and I think it is because you know that we all here who comment, is a great support for you. We are all here for you. Good luck in getting better and strongs.
I'm glad you are back. I missed you. Prayers for you as you continue this journey.
Hi Blair! I'm a long time follower of your blog, but don't think I've ever commented. I just wanted to say that I admire you for sharing your experiences with everyone here (I am not a mom, but I am in nursing school and have been learning about mental health and the stigma associated with dealing with MH illnesses – you are helping every person here break that stigma, which is awesome). I wish the best of luck to you and your family and hope you know that while I don't know you, you are in my thoughts on a regular basis
.
Welcome home BA! Glad to hear that you're feeling more like yourself again! I'll continue to keep y'all in my prayers.
Can't wait for our next get together!
Hey Blair!
Finally, you're back! I was also hoping that you were taking a break on the beach with your family. Sorry you had to go through that week but I am so glad that you're going in the right direction!
Are you going to post every day or every other day? I have missed you tons.
Blair,
Stay strong. Being willing to get the help you need proves just how amazing a mother you are. I'll be sending you all my stranger-from-across-the-country thinking-good-thoughts-and-not-in-a-creepy-way vibes.
Julie
missed you!
Thinking of you, Blair.
Okay, I have thought about what I want to say and I hope it in no way comes off any other way then as me genuinely caring and wanting the best for you and your family. I also had to think about a way to put it in relate-able terms.. so here she goes:
remember when Britney went crazy? And we all watched her popping her bubble gum, with her half mangled weave, talking to Matt Lauer about how she just wanted to be alone with her family and needed the media to leave her alone? But for some reason every 3 days she'd pop up in some starbucks, looking like the wreck of the hesperus, pseudo-hiding from paparazzi.. until she went so freaking crazy that she shaved her head and stabbed a car with an umbrella?
well.. I don't think you're like that. But what I do think is that we the people should have all stopped reading the tabloids when that happened, and we should have not watched her interviews, and should have forced her to have some privacy in a very unstable and critical part of her life.
And while you have the choice to put it all out there, you aren't being snapped by paparazzi or having stories written about you… I for one am going to give you the privacy that I PERSONALLY think you need right now.
Because you will keep blogging as long as people keep reading. Blogging isn't a bad thing, but it's really not a priority ( in my opinion) at this incredibly difficult and low point in your life. You shouldn't be updating twitter, not even once, while in the hospital, but you did. I don't fault you for that, I just know that you are a people pleaser type and don't want your reader base to go away.
Well honey bunny.. I think you're fantastic, and I know you'll be okay in time. I know that you won't stop blogging like you probably should while you heal, so I'm going to stop "peeking into your window" at this very vulnerable moment….I feel like its the right thing to do, as a fan of yours.
No one should be watching you go through this.. It should be between you, your family, your dr's and God… not the world wide webs…
I love you, and I wish nothing but the best for you… and I'll start reading again in a few months when hopefully you are in a better place, because right now it seems disrespectful for me to do anything but that.
Christina
Just chiming in to send you good wishes.
I am amazed you are back online and blogging already after being admitted to the hospital. I would think that taking the time to heal with Nate and Harrison would be your first priority.
I agree with Christina. Step away for a while…. like a few months, not a week. Heal your own life and get support through in-person friends and family, then come back to the blog and the interwebs.
We will all be waiting for you when you do.
Good luck with everything, I am so glad that you are starting to feel like "yourself" again, I am not a mom yet but I think you are a super strong woman!!! and mother!!!
glad you're back. i agree with christina. i think you need to heal & step out of the spot light, and i hope only the best for you
I will be thinking of you and sending you lots of happy and positive thoughts. And I really hope your recovery continues to go well. Please take all the time in the world for you and your family.
So glad you're taking care of yourself. I put in a prayer request for you at my church. Wishing you the best.
Good luck with your journey. Good to see you back and in one piece. You have been missed.
Oh, I'm so glad you made the hard leap! I did two stints at the hospital when my daughter was 1 and as awful as it was (and yet safe and good, too) i feel like those times saved my life in the long run. Writing on old-fashioned paper, sitting, eating those regular if not totally great meals after not eating for months… and the doctors who were RIGHT THERE, really focusing on you. It all helped so much. I hope coming out of this you find new footing on solid ground and the world starts to come back to you and you to it. Please know you are not alone and you're making amazing and strong decisions even faced with the worst internal hell. Welcome back!
Blair – so glad you are back! You do whatever you need to do. You and your family are the most important! I hope things continue to get better.
Hey lady,
The fact that my comment is number 170 should show you that you are loved! We embrace you in our arms, Blair. Not because you are a popular mommy blogger, but because we are all mothers, and we understand. Not necessarily on the same scale per se, but understand none the less that sometimes, we have to put aside everything else and do what will be best for our children's future. And for you, that is being a healthy, happy momma for Harrison. Big hugs lady.
Welcome back! I'm so glad that you are feeling "better". You are possibly the bravest woman I know. You are able to use your issue as a platform to raise awareness for others. I commend you for that. I've been thinking about you and praying for you (in a very non-stalker kind of way of course). Just know that you are loved by people all over the states, even in little ol' Alabama.
Blair- You are in my prayers. That's all I can really say. I never suffered from PPD/ PPA so I can't say "I know how you feel" so I won't. But I can say that I am praying for you and your sweet family.
Missed you! Glad you're back
Take care of yourself!
I don't know you, but man I wish I did! Blair, I'm so stinkin proud of you. I can't imagine the ovarian fortitude it took to check in. I'm glad you did it, and I'm glad you're back. Sending you good thoughts, prayers, juju, karma, whatever you want. Welcome back, we missed you!
Good for you. I was kind of wondering when you disappeared for a week. Sometimes inpatient is absolutely necessary. I understand and that's all I'll say.
Welcome back!
blair,
don't know if you remember me, but i wrote one of the letters for postpartum progress this mother's day, and i've been following your blog ever since. i'd been missing your posts over the last week, and i'm so happy to see you back. thank god you're doing better now, and i'm so sorry about what you've been going through. i know it can't be easy. but thanks for blogging about it, and making it seem normal ('cause it is). you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
So glad to hear you’re back and doing better – I hope it continues for you! Praying for you!
I’ve been keeping you and your family in my prayers. It was obvious (to me, anyway) from your last post that you needed it.
It takes someone very brave to get help when they need it. You can’t always fix things by saying, “I’ll be fine.” – which is typically my approach
. You’re a great mom! Take care of yourself so you can take care of Harry.
I’m glad you knew when to get the help you needed. I enjoy reading your honest posts and skimming the comments to see how much your honesty has helped others. You are in my thoughts during your road to recovery.
Welcome Home Sweetie! We missed you & you’ve been in my T&P continually. I’m so glad you were strong enough to make the changes needed for you. You are a superwoman, I hope you know that.
thank you for being so open about your battle. After being in denial for a long time you helped me get help for my PPD. You will never know what an impact you have people you have not even met. Thank you for what you do for the rest of us. Best wishes to you and your family.
Glad you’re getting better!!! You are a brave woman!
Good to have you back!
::hugs:: Hope you are feeling better!
Glad your back home – have missed you terribly.
Love!
I am so happy for you that you have gontten some help. I hope things go well for you here on out. Saying prayers for you.
Blair, I have to wonder what role your blog is playing to your recovery, or whether it's exacerbating things. Why not take a break? Put yourself first and get better, then come back to the blog. I find it hard to believe that after one week in a psych ward you are all better. I'm really sad and worried for you hun. I really hope you're on a healthy road to recovery, and i won't pretend to know what PPD is like, but it seems like you're stretched too thin right now and the stress of being constantly doing something can't help.
Thinking of you babe.
Blair- I am happy to hear that you are back home with your family and that you got the help that you needed. I was/am worried about you. Every time I read something by you I just want you give you the biggest hug and tell you that soon all this will be a distant memory. I will continue to think about you and send you all the positive vibes your way. You can and will overcome PPD. You are a strong and beautiful momma.
C
BA, you are so brave. I admire you so much for your candidness and honesty during this incredibly tough time in your life. I am so happy to hear that you are feeling more like yourself, and I will continue to pray for you and your family. I’m thinking about you! Much love.
I don’t think I need to say it, but you know you were missed in my corner of the world. Welcome home. Pace yourself darlin’. Love and hugs and kisses and prayers. xoxo
(((((())))))))
Welcome back, Blair! Missed you, and you are my hero. You will do anything to get better and I hope I can find that within myself as well.
Don't know if you follow Dooce – but if you have time read this!
http://www.dooce.com/2007/12/13/because-i-couldnt…
I think these are the words every person with depression, post-partum or otherwise, has inside of them. Good luck and take care of yourself and that beautiful baby boy!
Take care of yourself hon
So glad that you are safe! I have been thinking of you and hoping for the best. Take care!
I missed the hell out of you….that is all.
Although only a few people brought up this point, I REALLY hope you hear this amid all the other comments.
I would strongly suggest taking a break from the blog. I have a hard time believing a therapist would agree this is helping your apparently very dire situation.
I would take a minimum month off from all of this and get your life back together instead of being "Blair" and all that goes with it.
I wish you the best.
Ms. B (if you’re nasty)
I am torn between reading some of the other comments who say feel free to take a rest from blogging, and the larger side of me that is completely addicted to your blog/story. So I will combine those two sides to say how much we (as in the WHOLE interwebz) love you.
Dear Blair,
I think you should take the advice of Random Internet Strangers and stop blogging, b/c clearly they're doctors.
I know that they have "your best interests at heart" but c'mon, people. Blogging making depression worse? Really? Ever think that it could be theraputic? People write for a reason.
You're amazing darling. I'm glad to see you're back and doing ok.
Love and super hugs to you! You WILL get past this sweets, promise!
Anytime!!! @sweetharper or sweetharper@ymail.com
Wow. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you, but I'm very happy that you are in a better place!
You probably already know this, but when a baby cries we women are chemically wired to be waaaay more bothered by it than men. I just read that, because I'm going through colic right now, and my daughter's cries can make me go from perfectly okay to ready-to-lose-it in a couple minutes. while my husband is more calm. It makes me feel like a horrible mom, but really, I'm not! And neither are you.
I think you said before that Harrison had reflux? I imagine the screams were pretty unbearable. With my first daughter, I put on heavy duty industrial ear plugs and hummed to myself to get through the 5 hour screaming sessions each night. I think once you experience that, listening to a baby screaming anywhere takes you right back to those bad times and brings all those feelings rushing back.
Big hugs to you, sweetie! Take care of you!
O girl. I want so badly to hug you. I also want to say in my most sincere font that what you did is really freaking ridiculously amazingly courageous. You are an even better mom for it.
Love to you and your boys.
Welcome back BA. As you can see, you were missed.
Hugs to you
So glad things are going better for you. Stay strong mama!! You can make me lol or even cry with your words.
Blair,
As a fellow PPA / PPD battler (is that a word?) – thank you for sharing your story and your ongoing struggle here. I'm a newbie blogger, and haven't "come out" about my issues yet. But I realize there are countless others out there who are feeling as alone as I felt, and if our stories aren't shared, this disease / disorder / whateveryouwanttocallit will continue to be shoved to the back burner and be shushed. I'll be updating my blog with my story this week.
Amanda
glad you're back. depression is a mother loving beyotch.
For Pete’s sake, please don’t give too much creedence to the people here who say you shouldn’t blog. I would imagine it is very therapeutic for you. I think it’s important to have something besides work, child, and husband going on in your life. You’ve been incredibly successful with your blog and it’s something you should take pride in and be excited about.
Remember that everyone handles depression, stress, etc. differently. What may be good for one person may not necessarily be good for you. It sounds to me like you have an excellent and trusting relationship with your psychiatrist. If blogging brings you happiness and increases your feelings of self-worth during a difficult time then more power to you.
Glad you are back; obviously you have been missed.
Welcome back Blair, WE missed the hell out of you. Glad that you are doing what you need to do to help yourself, and I am proud of you for that. Most people do not have that courage.