Remember those God-awful essays in school? SO boring & pointless. Because you’d drone on & on about the pool and tulips & bonding with your mother when in reality, you spent your spring break on your period, hating the world until you were TRIPLE-DOG-DARED to make-out with Brace-face Brian behind the bushes outside the tennis courts. & if that weren’t bad enough, your older brother taught you a Boy Scout song about whacking the willy.
NOT THAT I EVER HAD A SPRING BREAK LIKE THAT, MOMMA & DADDY.
& not that I get Spring Breaks anymore. But this spring, I took a week off.
& spent it in the hospital.
For those of you that have been wondering where I’ve been this past week, you could find me in the postpartum psych ward of a local hospital, per my doctor’s orders & by my own will. Because I was a shadow of the person I used to be & that is no way to live. I laid low all weekend & on Monday, May 17th, I was admitted with severe postpartum depression with presentation of psychosis.
I had hit a new low – a combination of the trigger from the screaming baby at my support group & an over-medication of my drugs back-firing on me. I was on an incredibly high dose of anti-depressants, which sent the already present patterns of postpartum psychosis into a rapid, terrifying tail spin. & so for a week, I have lived at the hospital, eating decently mediocre hospital food, writing THE OLD FASHIONED WAY, & desperately anticipating daily visits from my family.
It took a week of intense therapy & a lightening fast change of meds that can only be done in-patient (that also leads to wicked withdrawel symptoms). & I still have a long way to go. But I am on new meds & definitely feeling more like myself than I have in almost seven moths.
& to that I say, “Hello, Blair. Welcome back. I missed the hell out of you.”
Welcome back! Hope you are doing better. Good for you for going inpatient. Tons of people would never admit to it and get help.
Blair, glad to see you are back, we all missed ya! I hope that everything works out, and all my thoughts are with you. <3 <3
You get well mama… you do what you have to do. You're amazing and beautiful and strong. Chin up and enjoy the sunshine!
Glad you got the help you needed–hopefully this has you headed toward healing!
Glad to hear you're feeling a little better
Welcome back, Blair.
Welcome back, indeed. I am so glad you were able to get back on track. I am hoping what you hit was the bottom and the only place to go from here is up!
I feel confident in saying we all missed you.
Oh Blair. How I love you and your braveness. I missed visiting your blog, reading your words. Im sorry for the rough patch but an=m thankful you are feeling better. Im having a glass of wine and raising it to you. Heres to brighter tomorrows and better meds
Love
Katherine
Well I'm happy you didn't have to kiss any brace faces on a double dog dare this time 'round. Glad you were able to get re-evaluated. Sounds like it did you some good. xoxoxo
Welcome back! Glad you got some needed care, hope you will be feeling like yourself soon
We all missed you!
I'm so glad you're back and doing better. I'm so sorry!!! I've been thinking of you!
Welcome back Blair! I've missed your posts! And I'm so glad that you're getting the help that you need. I'll continue to pray for you. (((hugs)))
You are amazing. So real, so brave, so honest.
I too, missed the hell out of ya. I'm glad you're back. More importantly, I'm glad you are on track, taking care of yourself and keeping it real.
Love ya Lady!!
Welcome back!! You were missed!!
Glad to hear everything is on track and cheers to feeling better!!
You're back. All is right with my world.
missed u tons!
We missed you! Glad you're able to take some time and take care of yourself:-)
Welcome home.
I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed. And it's good to have you back.
We have definitely missed you, but know that you are doing what you need to do for yourself and your family. So glad to hear you are feeling more like yourself!
You are one of the bravest people that I "know" to post this post. I also hope that this was your rock bottom and that it can only get better from here on out. Missed seeing your tweets and reading your blog. Hope you continue to feel better.
B, I'm so so so sorry things took this turn in the fashion that they did, but I'm so so so happy you knew to get help and that you're on the mend. Huge hugs from Nashville!
Missed you girlie
Glad you are feeling better. Missed you! Praying for you!
Glad you are back darlin'….I sent you an email! Big Hugs!
Welcome back, I was getting worried.(that sounds so stalkerish, but I truly was!) So glad you are starting to feel like yourself again.
I hope you begin feeling 100% soon.
Welcome back mama! Glad to hear your feeling better and on track! I missed your updates!
::hugs:: Oh, honey. Im praying for you. I know you can beat this. You are a strong, beautiful, amazing woman and I am so lucky to call you a friend. Take care of Harrison's mama right now and focus on just getting better. Everything else will fall into place. And don't forget to ask for help if you need anything!
xoxo
Welcome Back! Glad you are feeling more like yourself! I bet it feels great!
BA,
You are one of the bravest (is that even a word) people I "know". You put yourself out there for all to read and even on tough topics you don't censor your words, which is why we all keep coming back.
I can't even begin to imagine the incredible struggle you face on a daily basis while facing this – so not really sure what else to say.
Awesome that you can realize the signs for needing help and glad you took the time off to do so!
Welcome back, and glad you're feeling better.
C
Welcome back! I know I'm not alone in having missed your posts while you were gone. I hope this is the road back for you! You are brave and amazing!!
Woop woop! I am SO glad you're happier, and better, and back!
Welcome back! Glad to hear you're doing better and doing what you need to get back to your normal self!
So I had been checking for updates all week and wondered where you had been. Welcome back! I missed you and I applaud you for being able to talk about your PPD so that others can seek help, I hope that it helps you to talk about it in the long run as well. Keep pressing on, you are a wonderful person and a wonderful mother…you are going to overcome this!
Welcome Home! You are amazing!
You are loved. Look how much you were missed. I'm sure I was not the only one who was a wee bit worried for you. I hope that you are feeling better, and I truly hope that this starts your upswing. <3
Blair,
I am so glad you are back and also that you are brave enough to get the help you need to take care of you and Nate and Harrison! You are a strong, brave, beautiful Momma! Thank you for being so vulnerable for your readers!!
people have been asking about you all over the place! i'm glad to see you are still alive
good for you for checking yourself in. i hope it helped! Harrison will thank you for this one day!
I'm so glad you're on your way to finding yourself again.
Welcome back!! We missed you. And we all lurves you
Big squishy hugs.
I am so happy you are back I am glad you are getting well.
Oh wow. I commend you for your honesty and candor in this post Blair. Glad you're feeling better. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Blair, please know that this is coming from nothing but the best place.
You can not even begin to believe that you're "back" after a week. This is a ridiculously long process that you are just in the wee first stages of. I was hospitalized when I was younger for depression, addiction and eating disorder issues and after the first week, I was on a high… euphoric, philosophical, sure that I had conquered the demons and knew EXACTLY where I was headed.
I was so wrong.
It took three more months of inpatient, some really, really painful, honest to the point of exhaustion therapy that went on for weeks and weeks before I could even begin to say I was back to some semblance of a functioning human being. And I didn't really have anything particularly tragic to recover from.
Please, please don't fall prey to the belief that it's all okay now. It's not okay. It's NOT okay.
YOU NEED MORE TIME.
I wish you the best.
Truly.
Kirstien, I appreciate your concern (truly) & I am in no way saying that I am 100% back. I even said in my post that it will take more time. I am still in therapy. I am on a ton of meds. I am not foolish to believe that I am "better." But I AM BETTER than I was a week ago. & for now, I focus on that. I'll let my psychiatrist & I focus on what happens from here after this "high" finishes.
oh my goodness girlie you are so brave. Praying for you and your sweet fam. Props
Love you, Blair! Glad that you are home. I was worried about you. I am so glad that you are feeling better. Hang in there and know that you have a lot of support! xoxo
I was so hoping that you were frolicking on a beach or spending some much deserved time under the covers with books and movies. But a big pat on the back for getting the help you needed and having the courage to both take that step and then share it with the rest of the world.
Welcome back.
Welcome home! Glad you you were taking care of yourself! Its great to hear that you're feeling better!
Glad you're back and good for you to get the help you needed! And thank you for being so open with all of us! I'm sure it feels good to be home with your family!
I am so glad to hear you are feeling a little better. Hopefully, things will turn around from here.
I have missed you!! And, admittedly, I was so worried about you!! I'm relieved that you seem to be on the up-and-up again. Hang in there, sweetie. You are freaking HAWT!
So thrilled that you're back and that your recovery is back on track.
And Kristien, she never said she was ok. She never said she was done with therapy. She never said any of the things you want to rail at her about because of your own experiences. She just said that she's out of the hospital and that she's feeling better.
Keep your demons to yourself.
Glad you got the help you needed. ((hugs)) Welcome back.
You sound very chipper. I hope for you, Nate and Harrison especially this is the turn around you need.
So glad you are back and doing better. I hope everyday gets easier for you. Thinking of you!!!
Oh my god, Blair. I hope you are getting the help you need. Welcome back..the Blogland was not anywhere near the same without you! Keep your head up!
So glad you're back and that you're feeling better. I must admit that I was worried!! Also…I didn't realize how much I needed my daily Blair fix until it wasn't there anymore
Here's to better days!
Lots of love xoxo
welcome back. I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed and that you are feeling better. You were sure missed in blogland!
oh hunny, you had lots & lots of prayers while you were away. I'm so glad you're back. And to that I say, "Hi, Beth Anne. You were missed."
good for you, lady!! your honesty is so humbling. I can only hope to be as open and brave as you someday. i hope things only continue to go up from here, but know that you will handle whatever is thrown your way with grace like only you have.
hang in there. we're all rooting for you.
Welcome back, Blair!
You were very missed hun! Hope everything continues to improve. We're all thinking about you and supporting you!
Mae, I CERTAINLY didn't rail her. I was speaking from a place of concern based on experiences of my own. And of course, during that time, I saw many more people come in and out of the doors of that hospital and saw who succeeded and who failed and one of the biggest mistakes that people made was digging down one layer deep and thinking all was better. I don't want to see that happen to her… Not because we're BFF's or because I even know her personally, but because I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Blowing sunshine and roses isn't always the best way to be supportive, y'know.
Blair, hearing you acknowledge that you have a long way to go is all that matters to me… (as though I have a right to really ask?) The trust you're placing in your doctors is the most important thing you can do. And you're going to "welcome" yourself back many more times, I would imagine, as you continue to peel off those layers and truly recapture yourself…and get to know the new, stronger, weaker, lovelier you.
I don't – and didn't – mean to trivialize any of the work you've done this far. I (again, truly!!) know how hard those steps are and how lonely and terrifying and surreal it is to find yourself where you found yourself last week. Just keep that honesty and that grip on your work and your journey and you will get to the other side. And that's all I really want to see.
it's totally cool, Kristien
I know it comes from a good place & yep, I am sure I will welcome back more of myself as the days, months, & years go by.
Very, very glad to see you back. And we missed you a lot. Tons. ((hugs)) I'm glad you are feeling more like your old self.
Welcome home–you were missed! I'm so glad you were able to take the time to take care of yourself. Keep working–you will beat this.
You and your sweet family have been in my thoughts and prayers. So glad you hear you are well and please know you have lots of Momma's all over this country who are here to support you. It's not easy and I applaud your honesty. Glad you are back!
I had a feeling this happened. After your post about the panic attack at the 6-mo check-up, things didn't sound right. Glad to hear you had a med switch/change and your doctor is on top of it.
Please don't ever feel like you have to explain yourself on here. Take the time you need and concentrate on your wellness.
Best to you.
So many of your readers were concerned, worried, praying, wondering, and missing you. I'm glad you are on the road to healing. One day at a time. hugs.
you are so strong to share your story. glad to hear you are doing better.
Welcome back, my dear!
Wow. It sounds like you had quite a week. Good for you for listening to your doctor! I'm glad that the new meds seem to be working well for you!
Welcome back – you were missed – and glad you feel better. You are so tough.
I was so worried about you, and had a feeling you were taking a break of some sort. I really hope your meds are all straightened out, and that you are on the right path.
I start counseling tomorrow – and could not have made that phone call without being so inspired by you. Thanks for sharing your story.
I cried when I read this, because this is where I figured you were.
I'm praying for you girly! I hope you can feel more and more like yourself every day! We're here for you if you need to cuss and scream, or if you need to sob and cry. I know you can't tell all your woes to the interwebs…. but know you have a huge-ass support group here!!!
SO glad you're back and feeling better. Keep it up Momma! You're a rockstar!
You were missed, but I am glad you are doing what you need to do for yourself and your family. Welcome back and good luck in your journey back to yourself!
Wow, that is incredibly deep. You are thought of and prayed for. I'm impressed by your strength. You are an amazing mother. Don't forget that.
Continue rocking and rolling!
Welcome Back Blair…You're always missed. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I am so glad you are getting the help you need and that you are back! I kept you, Harrison and Doug in my prayers this week! Smoochies!
I can only begin to imagine the hell you've been going through. So glad for you that ride is over and you can get back to being you again. Welcome back!
I am so glad that you are getting the help you need and deserve. I hope you will be back to the Blair you know before too long.
So glad you got the help you needed. Praying for you and all the Mommas going through the same struggle.
good for you! i know it seems silly because i don't know you (yet!), but i am so proud of you! i am so pleased you got some intense help, and i hope your life only gets better from here!!! xoxoox- we missed you!
Welcome back! I am so glad you got (and continue to get) the assistance you need. I had a similar experience with med's and its a scary ride but amazing when it gets all figured out! I will continue to pray for you and your family!
Hey there. I've been reading for a while. I'm a PPD survivor too. Good for you for getting the help you needed. I hope that things continue to improve.
So glad you are back! I missed reading your updates. Like a previous commenter said, I need a Blair fix each day too.
So sorry you had to go through the past week, but I'm so glad that you were able to go get the help you needed. Thanks so much for your honesty! Hugs!
whew! Now I can go on living! I was checking every hour of every day waiting for a post from you! So glad you got the help you needed. You are in my prayers
I'm sorry for what you are going through but I am soo proud that you are taking steps to take care of yourself & get back to being the blair you like:]
Welcome back, Beth Anne
We missed you.
Glad to see you are getting the help you need. ((hugs))
Well it looks like no one missed you, so you should probably just shut this thing down.
JUST KIDDING! I, like everyone, missed your blogs. I'm praying for you!
B,
I'm so glad you got the help needed and that you are on the right path. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through this at 3 days PP and was inpatient for a few days as well. Just know that you will get better and will be back to oyour old self in the future!Your in my T's and P's!
A big hug for what was a very long week I am sure and a huge pat on the back for doing it. I am so sorry for what you are going through but am so thankful for your frankness … You are inspiring ppl to seek out help and to take hard looks at themselves and there feelings. You are a wonderful person (as if I know you but your character speaks for itself), great mother and wife. Here's to you and knoW you have cheering squad of women out there!
It's good to have you back. I've been checking daily. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Glad your back! Missed you! Glad you are continuing to get the help you need and are strong enough to know when you need help!
Hang in there and more power to you for admitting you needed some extra help! You are an incredibly strong women!!! You inspire me! Keep up with your strength and what you feel you need! We're all pulling for you! You're doing what's best for you and your family!! Good mama!
Kitty
Much love! Glad to see you're back home & feeling better. Take care. I'll continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts & prayers!
what the fuck dude. Where's my mcfatty monday post?
I KID! I KID!
Welcome back… I need to digest what you just posted and then respond seriously.
Wow. I am new to your blog and all over the twitter-verse people have been asking if anyone knew where you were. Lots of love out there for you, mama. a new follower (and prayer warrior) here for you!
Welcome back! i hope you were able to get the help that you need.
Blair,
I've been reading for awhile, but I'm not a regular poster. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. I think you have been incredibly brave. I hope things are looking up for you.
Welcome back.!!!
all week wondering where you were..
glad you are OK..
I wish I could have encouraging words.. but I guess I'll tell you that you have a follower in Mexico..
that thinks of you and prays for your family as well..
GL!
Hey girl….I emailed you already, but wanted to drop by here and say hello. I am so SO glad you are back, but I also hope you don't feel like you have to continue to blog everyday if you need a break. I love you and would miss you like crazy, but please promise you will take ample time to take care of YOU first!
I knew you were having a rough time but I didn't know you were hurting this bad. & You are right…it is a LOOONG road but just know you don't walk it alone. I know myself, and several other ladies who will gladly walk alongside you. Keep your head up and know that even though hospitals, therapy, and meds can be tough…you are doing the right thing by getting help.
I said in my email to let me know if I can do anything. Please know that wasn't just the standard blanket statement ppl. say in tough situations. It was an honest offer to do whatever I can
Take care of yourself, love on that good man you have, and kiss that precious baby of yours and know that I love ya and pray for you daily!
wow…didn't realize my comment was so loooong. sorry
It is awesome that you had that courage to take that step. I am in psyc nursing and being able to do what you have done and are continuing to do is amazing. You are going to come out of this a stronger person. You don't know me from Adam but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers.