I mean, it was only yesterday. BUT IT WAS A DAY THAT SHALL LIVE IN INFAMY.
*small intermission to say that we had our first run-in with poop in the tub only the day before, but with one small wee baby turd that was so cute we named him Sparky.*
It began so lovingly. We, doting parents, carefully played with him for several hours in the wake of his vaccinations. After a bout with mild constipation at the pediatrician’s office, we offered him an ounce of juice to smooth things out. Gave him the proper dosage of non-contaminated infant Tylenol, made sure his oats & bottle were warmed to perfection, & created the most fantastic bath with lavender soap every mastered by a parent.
The bath was lovely. We played with squeak toys, I scrubbed him down, staying mindful of his sore leg. We laughed, giggled, Harrison farted. Which is normally no cause for concern. But this fart..y’all, it STANK. Like a sulfar plant explosion. Nate laughed & after a few minutes as the smell lingered, I said, “I think we better check.” So I lifted the little man by the arms & OH MY GOD, HE WAS SITTING IN A PILE OF POOP. Poop, that by the smell of it, had been FESTERING IN HIS BODY FOR DAYS.
I lift him out of the duck tub, & hold him standing in the tub-tub & Nate is all, “OH MY GOD, WHAT DO WE DO?!” So I’m all, “Pass me the soap, I’ll scrub him down again. He MUST be re-washed after sitting in poop, right?” (I mean, right?!) I lather the boy up with more soap, & as every loving mother should, ran my hand between his cheeks to wash off the offending area. Which I guess was the call to action, because he pooped. Again.
ON MY HAND. I pulled my hand back, & he kept pooping. Into the tub. So now, friends, we have:
a) poop in the duck
b) poop on the boy
c) poop on the mom
d) poop in the tub
Y’all…the poop was like gypsy children in Italy. EVERYWHERE & all up in your face & no stopping it so you clutch your pocket book to your chest & pray you make it out with at least half of your euros & sanity. The duck was defiled. I was brown to my elbows. & the bathtub looked like a crime scene of shit. I handed Harrison to Nate, who is holding him over the duck & while I am BARE-HANDEDLY pushing poop down the drain, Harrison poops on that poor bathtub ducks beak.
HARRISON. You love that beak! It talks to you & makes you giggle! Why must you be so rude?! & Nate’s all “OH MY GOD, POOP! HE’S SHITTING ON THE DUCK!” for the thousandth time. & so I grab the shower head & just hose the whole shop down. Harry, duck, tub, Momma. HOSED. I scrub the boy for the third time, & Nate wraps him in a towel & whisks him off to the nursery to bed dressed. Where Harrison poops a little more in the towel.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, KID.
Finally, we have the kid de-pooped, dressed, & ready for bedtime bottle. I ask Nate, “Bottle or poop?” & blessed man, since I cleaned up the previous night’s poop & had already used MY OWN BARE HANDS to push part of it down the drain that night, handed me both baby & bottle.
He was still squirting down the duck with Lysol when I laid Harrison in the crib.
I just read this and laughed so hard, I snorted!
Best post ever. I can't stop laughing… Oh my…
Oh man that my friend is a serious SHITUATION!
I was seriously laughing out loud as I read this! What a night you had!
I think we've all had some "tub poops" happen, but thankfully Gianna has never punished me that harshly! But I've definitely done the "push the poop down the drain with bare hands" trick once
I needed this laugh today… Sorry it had to be at the ducks expense…. Poor guy!
That's hilarious!
Husband and I are laughing out loud at this. Such a good story, you made our night.
We, luckily, have not had a poop in the tub experience with out 6.5 month old yet….in time, in time.
HAHA! Both hilarious and terrifying! I can just picture the scenario…
I hope (and I think you were, which makes me glad) you were able to laugh about the situation!
Best post EVER.
I peed a little.
I take it the juice worked?! LOL!
Hey, sidenote that always creates a stir… I thought you weren't supposed to use lavender on boys? I know my brother had gynecomastia as a kid, and my mother bathed him with lavender soap all the time…
*disclaimer: I am not trying to panic the masses, I just know that I personally don't use lavender on my boys and there are other moms out there that maybe don't know this "myth" but I like to just put it out there. I don't expect anyone to change their ways because of what I say, I'm just saying it in case someone says, "crap, that's good to know"
TY&GN
Wait, for serious?? I had never heard that before! ::runs to check mayo clinic::
Oh. My. God. Too funny! DH is out for the night so I'm sitting here laughing to myself like a nutcase.
Cole HATES baths so we try to make them super quick – no poop in the tub yet!
i literally have tears in my eyes. and Nate's comment "oh my god he's shitting on the duck." PRICELESS!
LMAO!!!!! Love it.
Poor duck.
How's the switch to milk-based formula going? Still no problems? (I ask because my little man is also allergic to milk, though I'm BFing, so it's me that's eliminating dairy, and someday soon we're going to try reintroducing it.)
Alissa, so far, so good! We're only at 1 scoop of milk-based in each bottle, but we'll switch to half & half next week. The pediatrician said that should be the kicker – he'll either manage it well or he won't. I'll keep you updated!
I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. If only I were a fly on the wall for that event, with a nose plug of course!
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! Poor ducky (and poor mom and dad!).
oh my god. cannot stop laughing. hahahaha poop stories are always good. never at the time. but always later.
Okay. Thanks to this post and you (or maybe I should be thanking Harrison?) I can now SMELL the poop. My baby's not here yet. I should not be smelling poop through my computer screen!
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20070131/lave…
It's not some comprehensive study or anything, but given my brother I avoid it.
Oh Em Gee! Funniest.Post.EVER. I laughed so hard that my hubs asked what the heck I was reading. I made him read it, and he laughed his ass off too! He then proceeded to say "Sydney, please don't ever have a poop like that in the tub!". Awesome!
I laughed so hard the husband had to read the post. AWE.SOME.
Joshua once pooped in my hand while I was changing his diaper. THAT was interesting.
Love,
Your fellow pooped-on mama
That.is.awesome.
We've only had a nugget thus far in the tub!
Great story girl!
You did such a great job telling the story… I laughed… as hard as I could without waking a sleeping baby in the next room over. It's moments like those that make up for the ones that make us panic.
OMG! I just laughed to hard I woke my dog up! Funny!
My husband was looking at me like I was crazy, so I had him read this. We both are cracking up!! Luckily, he has not pooped in the tub, nor have we gotten squirted with pee… yet!
This is the best thing I have ever read.
OMG!! I completely laughed out loud.
So funny! What a mess!
This is totally freakin' hilarious. Like totally. Completely. FUNNY!!!
OMG, hilarious! Seriously only you could make a completely disgusting and nasty experience sound like a sitcom. hahaha i still cant stop laughing. *You're a great momma!*
Just about spit my coffee on the screen! Funniest post ever! And for Pete's sake go buy the boy a new rubber ducky! I just bought one today for like $2.00! haha! Especially if it has a hole in the bottom. Saw a story on the Today show about bath toys with holes in the bottom. They're a great place for nasty stuff to grow on the inside!
This reads like one of your posts from the old days! Great storytelling Blair!
Hilarious!! Great way to tell the story. Poop is no fun…I feel like each of my kids have pooped on me…and alot.
So normally I am a lurker…but this is about the funniest thing I have ever read in my life! I have the same tub for my little guy…hoping the bath goes better tonight
Hope you had a great day off!
Hahahahaha, oh man that's awesome. I literally LOL'd. Thanks for that!
I read this out loud to my husband and we had a great laugh!
Babies are so gross. Isabella did that once too, only my husband was at work so I put her on a towel on the floor where she proceeded to poop on her towel and the floor. I think I might have cried.
What no pictures? JUST KIDDING!!
Please don't post pictures!! The mental picture is good enough for me!!
I can't believe a little bit of apple juice could do all of THAT!!
Pooping in the tube is Roscoe's newest hobby, unfortunately. I had the pleasure of pushing poop down the drain for the first time (bare-handed) just the other day. It looked just like it did when he ate it…oranges and raspberries. So I tried not to barf about it.
funniest post ever! my daughter (now 10) pooped in her diaper and then painted her crib all while i thought she was napping! so gross!!
that is, simply, the funniest thing I have heard all day. omg.
Haha. We have totally learned our lesson about giving baby girl baths before she's had her big poops. If she hasn't pooped for a couple of days, we'll give her a poor mans bath until it happens.
Sooo funny! I peed a little when I read this. Thanks for the laugh!
I laughed so hard I cried! And then I read the post to my hubby who then joined me in hysterical laughter.
Best.Post.EVER!
::wipes away still streaming tears::
I needed a good laugh. I am soo sorry that H decided to christen everything with poop, but boy is it funny. It will make a great story for a future prom date or at his wedding. Or for when a similar thing happens to him and his wife someday, you can tell him that he had it coming.
That is hilarious, but I hope I never have that happen to me! I've already had to catch it as it comes out of my son and I hope that is the extent of poop and my baby.
Omg…I am dying laughing. Poor sweet boy!
That is hilarious!!
We had a similar situation about a week ago,…..i was bathing the baby….and he starts to poop….so I yell SH*$%!! My husband come running in to the bathroom and asks "What wrong?"……I directed his attention to the baby in a tub of poop, and said "this,….SH&^*!!
Its a memorable experience, and lots of laughs….later!!
That was so funny! My belly is sore from laughing so hard! Oh just so you know, slightly creppy, but over the past 3 days I have read all of your blog posts…read a lot of them a second time. out loud. to my husband. You make me laugh. Thank you!
Blair! I am soooooo sorry that our foe Mr. Poopie is conspiring against you too! Oh he is trying to exhaust us mommies but we are not about to be defeated! I've written him several letters. I'm going to email you one. Stand strong blair! Stand strong!
LMAO. My 19 month old has a habit of pooping in the bath. I guess a warm bath really loosens the bowels. Anyway, my darling hubby has daily evening bath duties so I’m lucky that he was the one cleaning the “dooty”. LOL
LOLOL I can NOT stop laughing about this.
Um…… BEST STORY EVER!! Not exactly the best thing to read while having your morning cheerios but I loved it anyway
Thanks for the laugh.
Oh my. Great story. He was just getting you back for the shots. Not sure what the duck did to him to deserve that…
Beware after the next round of shots! How can he top this poop mess?!
And I guess I'll consider myself super blessed that my 2 year old has never pooped in the tub. Peed on me? that's a whole other story!
Seriously hillarious! We've been there, maybe not that bad, but still, totally not fun! I mean it's happened so many times we actually have a system in place for "poop in the tub" scenario! And once, during a particularly horrible stomach bug, my son had diarrhea in our shower . . . just after he had he vomited all over me . . . thank goodness for soap and short memories!!
Pure awesomeness.
hahahhaha, i'm dying. This made my morning! It doesn't sound like fun at all, but it will be hilarious to look back on!
Just wait until he learns how to remove the diaper and poops on the floor and then proceeds to things like play in it. I told my husband if he does it again I am duck taping that diaper to his bum. I feel like potty training an 11 month old my be a bit of stretch.
Blair that is to funny! I am always nervous about this because I often just get in the tub with my baby. (When he was tiny he would just scream his head off for baths and this was the only solution we could find.) I always just imagine a lap full of poop.
OMG, I am cracking up sitting in my cubicle. My co-workers must think I have lost it. That is so funny! Poor ducky!
Karen
I am also sitting at working LMAO! I can't wait to read to my husband!
LOL! I'm so not jealous! We haven't had a tub poop yet! ::crosses fingers and toes::
Perfection!! Where was this little tip in the parenting books?? "Be prepared to push poo down bathtub drain with bare hands." lol. You rock.
L.O.L.
Oh my. WE have never had a poo in the tub. I better go knock on wood quick.
I did however save my husband's face from impending doom once as he knelt down next to her bare butt to reach for something on the floor!
I read your blog every day. You are hilarious. This post had me crying from laughter which then got my 4 mth old laughing with me. I have dreaded the tub poop. Thanks for the laughter.
I've heard that about lavender too. Amalah had something about it in her Advice Smackdown just yesterday. I think she said that lavender oil was bad but that lavender fragrance is okay. Shame. I love lavender.
damn! what kind of juice did you give him?
This story is too funny. I am reading it at work and I had to take breaks so I wouldn't LOL!!!
LMAO! That ducky will never be the same. Ever.
Sorry you had such a rough night. Hope Harrison is feeling better today.
That is too funny!! We had 2 tub poops last week…one I managed to "catch" and sit her on the potty…the other, not so much. Poop everywhere. Yuck!
"gypsy children in Italy"…. that was awesome. i'm still giggling.
Invest in a fishnet
It's only happened to us twice, but man, no fun!
OMG…hilarious post! Still LOL!
hahaha this is great! I have so much to look forward to also being the first time mother of a boy! Thanks for starting my day off with a
This made me chuckle..my 10 mo old tasted his tub poo the other day..thank God he didn't like it.
I know the pain of pushing poop down the drain. Soooooooooooooooooooooo gross!
hilarious!! laughing out loud.
AHHHH!!!! I am sitting at my desk at work trying my best not to laugh out loud and am snorting instead. I love your writing & I love the stories you choose to share with us! Whenever I need a good dose of laughter I wander over to see what the Blaire family is up to today!
Do you know how hard it is to sit in a quiet office while trying to hide the fact that a) I'm not working, I'm reading blogs b) laugh histerially, but keep it quiet. Oh..so funny. I have to read again when I get home so I can let the laughter out.
this was the funniest thing I've read in a while, I thought pooping in the towel after a bath was gross enough, I cannot imagine the flood of poop you had to deal with :p.
That made my day. I laughed so hard I started crying. I have almost the same thing happen to me but it wasn't in the tub.
I agree that this should not be read at work. I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. Epic.
Amazing. Thank you so much for making my day.
Poop and babies are the funniest stories. Awesome post…
I love when I come home and DH tells me about Sophia's man poops. Hehehe! Or the fact that I just called the daycare and they told me that Sophia had another BIG poop!
This post was full of the awesome! Ah the joys of pushing poop down the drain! Only had to do that one once so far. Too funny!
Too freaking funny! Was the juice mixed with water or straight up? My kid will go like she's never pooped before if we mix an ounce of juice with 8ozs of water. Juice is the Fiber One Bar of babydom.
HAHAHAHAHAHA – Too funny!! I was replaying this who scenario in my head!!! You are hilarious
*HUGS*
Oh yuck!!! It's so gross having to clean up a ton of poop like that. When my 3 year old was around 2, he painted his crib and walls with poop. It was horrific!
Oh, I know I shouldn't laugh but I am LAUGHING!!!!
This story is tragic and pushing poop with your bare hands is gross and your are totally Supermom for not fleeing the scene of the poop crime.
And now I'm going to go back to laughing because he pooped on the duck's beak and that is just too funny!
Oh my Lord did this ever make me laugh! Ahahaa! You're going to make we wake the napping babe!
ohmigod, i needed that laugh. thank you thank you.
my lil guy shat in the tub once too, but it was nothing like the poop fiesta you guys handled.
HA. well done Harrison, well done mom and dad.
Absolutely hysterical. Be sure to save this post for his wedding day. I'm sure his future wife will LOVE it!
i'm trying to contain my laughter in my office. i hope you, Nate & the duck all survived. hopefully little man feels better. yikes.
sounds awful. freaking HILARIOUS, but awful.
Gahh! That's disgusting… I've yet to have that happen to me. Thanks for the laugh
It's tempting to just clutch your pocketbook and try to find someone to pay to take care of it. Tub poop is terrifying because where do you clean him NOW?
I have laughed until I was crying reading this post! I am sorry that you had to experience this but thanks for sharing! Hysterical!
Oh my gosh. You had me rollin' – this is hilarious! =)
Hilarious! Absolutely HILARIOUS!
OMG, Dying. That was great. The only poop that Drew has had in the tub (thank god) was with my mother… hahahaha. And it totally traumatized her.
Of course I say that and we are going to have poop in our duck tonight.
I just laughed outloud in my cube. I think it must be the week for explosive poops. This morning B was up early at 5:30, so I headed upstairs, I got about half way there and it stunk. I turned on the light in his room and there was poop everywhere – on him, his sheet, the bumper…he wore big boy jammies last night (AKA not footed ones) and it came out the back of his pants. I stripped him down, plopped him in the big tub and he gave me a look like 'what is going on here? This isn't my tubby.' Brett got up an hour later and asked where he sheets and stuff were – I gave him 'the look'. At least we can laugh about it now!
holy crap!!! literally! i thought Ava's poop stories were bad, but this takes the cake!!!