Courtesy of his six-month appointment (although…err, he’s only 10 days away from being 7 months), we have a long & lean little man. 18 lbs, holding steady as always at the 50th percentile. 29 inches at a whopping 97th percentile. I am thrilled as I was worried he would fall below the curve & they’d point the fingers at the PPD & split us up.
But thank God, we get to stay together. For at least another 3 months.
He smiled. He laughed. He pooped right as the doctor walked in. He proved what an awesome independent sitter he is & his standing skills. The nurse proclaimed, “I predict he will be walking at 9 months!” I gave her the side-eye. I wonder if she’s a betting woman & what my chances are.
Still on Prevacid with no glimpse of coming off it in the near future, but we are re-introducing dairy very slowly into his diet via milk-based formula. So far, so good. As in, he’s not screaming 11 hours a day. I count that as a success.
He did, however, scream during the appointment. Stranger danger with the doctor, shots hurt, he was naked…screaming was justified. I lasted 10 minutes. & then I ran outside the room, put my hands over my ears, & slammed my eyes shut until a nurse put her hand on my arm & asked if I was okay. Except she totally had THAT LOOK like, “Oh, great, another over-attached mom that can’t stand to see her kid cry.” & I almost smashed my fist into her face but managed to grit out, “I’m fine.”
I’m fine. Just having A FREAKIN’ PANIC ATTACK IN YOUR HALL, YOU CONDESCENDING BITCH WITH THE EYE ROLL. Except she was probably a very nice, sincere, caring nurse & PPD Blair couldn’t see through her own self-loathing to accept the help. Because this was the THIRD APPOINTMENT IN A ROW WHERE I WAS CAPTAIN INCOMPETENT.
Appointment 1: A week before maternity leave ends where I finally take in video of Harrison while I’m shaking in the corner in pajamas & The Momma is taking care of the appointment & learning about Prevacid & Nutramigen.
Appointment 2: His 4-month check-up. I was just diagnosed with PPD. I had maybe 5 days of meds under my belt. & I, once again, stood huddled in a corner with a dulled gaze while Nate did everything from entertaining, holding him down, & comforting him.
Appointment 3: His 6-month check-up. I do okay. & then I run out of the room & require drugs to get into the car with the baby.
My Mom of the Year Award for Best Performance in a Pediatrician Office? Harrison pooped in the tub. & then on my hand. I’ll write more on that later. It was EPIC.
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eta: the swollen lymph nodes behind his ears seem to be from teething. thank God for no infections!
oops…I mean H weighs two pounds more than my little chunker.
I want to give you a hug, and some ice cream. You ARE mom of the year, look how big and healthy your little guy is!!!
Awwww. Sad little babies are hard on mommas. The 9 month appointment is so much easier. No shots.
I have been meaning to ask you – we just started baby swimming lessons with the boys, and I am wondering, if there is anything that you do to make sure that his ears are dry? I remember my mom pinning me down and putting rubbing alcohol in them. I hope I don't have to do that.
My son is exactly the same size– 50th for weight and 97 for height– pain to buy pants! I do relate to the "blame it on the PPD" fear of falling below (or coming up too far above) the curve. Congrats on having a very healthy boy! Clearly feeding him is something that you are doing well, since he's growing just as he should be. I'll give myself a little credit for doing ok by my boy despite my PPD and maybe you can, too. They are healthy and loved. Pretty good, I'd say!
This might seem cheesy, but it sounds like you are making awesome progress with the PPD. My 6 month man is 20 lbs/27.5 in hitting 90% for both weight & height. I think Gabe is long– I am trying to imagine Harrison. Legs for days!
Harrison weighs within 5lbs of my almost 2yr old!
The shot part never bothered me. It's the being trapped in that prison of a room that gets to me. Why do they keep it 100 degrees in there?? If the doctor isn't ready, why can't I stay out in the open waiting room instead of in that 5×9 cell??
And, sweet Jesus, why do they have to keep the tools in plain view of curious toddlers?!
I usually have my meltdown in the car. I cry that I can't get into the building with all the kids. And someone comes out to help me. Probably thinking what an idiot I am, but, meh, who cares?
I actually think MORE of you as a mom that the shots and screaming bothered you. Me….I just kind of give a "You're fine!". It doesn't bother me, which I suspect is the abnormal reaction! But, it took IVF to have DD1, so me and shots are likethis. And, my kids scream all the time, so it's no biggie at the pedi office.
Now, the ripping of the band aids….that's a trauma all in itself!
I don't blame you! Doctor appointments are hard… Period! It sounds like you did the right thing by excusing your self then taking care of yourself!
My heart was racing for you!
In a few days–Hugs.
EVERY time we take our baby to the doctor, my husband and I ended up tense and snippy with each other. It's the waiting, the hot room, the entertaining of a naked baby and the screaming of your child who is hurting, the nurse that forgot to print the growth charts, anything. It's OK that you left the room. Don't beat yourself up for it. Harrison is happy, he is healthy. You are doing just fine.
What would happen if your boss found out the amount of time you spend on your blog/twitter/facebook throughout the day? The links could easily be sent to them and your face is all over them with timestamps of activity so there'd be no denial…
Is your internet life/hobby really worth losing your job over? If you lost your job you'd pretty much lose that cozy little lifestyle, wouldn't you?
You did great!!! Your little guy is getting big and strong…and seems to be advanced for his age. I have PPD and I struggle with doctors appointments each and every time we have to go in. I applaud you for doing so well, and for putting this out there!
Wow Sarah~ Do you REALLY have nothing better to do than go to a blog and threaten someone's job?? You have NO idea when she typed this post. Could have been on her time off for the appt., during lunch. You are a piece of work, and an ugly one at that.
Blair~ Our 6 month shots were the worst yet and the stranger danger makes it 10x worse! I have a hard time dealing with those appts too.
Sounds like you and the babe are doing just fine mama! YAY!
Sarah, do you realize how incredibly bat shit crazy you sound?! Get an 'effin life!
The shot appointments are always the worst — but I promise it will get easier, PPD or not
(oh, and plugging your ears? uh, I think I puked once.) Yeah for introducing milk based formula! Harrison is healthy and happy b/c of YOU. (And Sarah? Hi! Go eff yourself. Kthanks! bye)
Um, am I going crazy or do you have a teeny tiny little cute smiley face on the top right of your blog?
Ugh, I remember those infant appointments well, mainly because I was alone as my husband was never able to take off work. I was a wreck the entire week before the appointment, knowing I would have to hold down my frightened baby while some stranger jabbed a needle in her thigh. I definitely puked more than once!
It does get a lot easier as they get older, I promise! Hang tough!
You're doing great Blair! I spend shot time, in the corner rocking myself, trying not to let them see me cry. The nurse hands me the kleenex before she gets to work now.
(oh hi, sarah. get a life, that was pathetic and mean.)
my daughter had the swollen lymph nodes behind the ears too. I panicked. I thought it was something serious. Thank God it wasn't. I didn't know its from teething
Hey Sarah…it's called "blog scheduling." You can schedule posts to go out at any time of the day.
I read your post over at Crystal's on Friday (?) and am just making it over here…you are awesome…I love your writing style.
Shot days stink…my littlest one hated the doctor until recently – she is 2.5 now. It gets better for them and for us!
Sarah,
Would it be ok if I smothered you with a pillow? How is it impossible to imagine Blair having a few minutes to herself to write or to tweet a few times a day?
Blair,
I'm sorry, I can't do the Beth Anne thing yet.
I'm not going to sit hwre and pretend to know what you're going through. All I know is that I'm hear for you in your struggle to get the word out on PPD – from hosting guest bloggers who have it to directing my friends to your site so they know they're not alone. ((hugs))
And I'm sorry about my spelling. My Droid likes to publish before I'm ready.
Wow, your almost 7 month old weighs two pounds less than my 4 month old
Glad to hear Harrison is healthy and happy!
Dear Sarah,
What would happen if your partner/child/friends found out the amount of time you spend on stalking/b*tching/worthless rambling throughout the day? That post could easily be sent to them and your name is all over it with a timestamp of activity so there’d be no denial…
Is your stalking/b*tching/worthless rambling really worth losing your partner/child/friends over? If you lost your partner/child/friends you’d pretty much lose that cozy little psychotic world, wouldn’t you?
Xoxo!
Blair, you're awesome. I think next time, you should come with me to my doc appointment because you'd be sure to put her in her place! Never going back there. Just want to say that going to the doctor's office is a battle in its own, let alone adding ppd to deal with. So, you should feel REALLY good about having made it through so many with your long and lean little man.
My child started walking at 9 months and I haven't sat down yet. It's a great way to exercise! lol!
He is soooo tall. He can be a basketball player one day
Dont worry I dont have PPD and I struggle through the injections – it is terrible but you did great and H is doing great so give yourself a HUGE pat on the back!!!
Sarah, you're a bitch! Marissa for the win!!!
Sorry Blair. You're doing a fantastic job, with EVERYTHING.
Doctor's visits are so tough. You did the right thing by walking out of the room. Hang in there! YOU are awesome!
Blair,
Eff the haters. ::smooches to you and a middle finger to Sarah::
Also,
WOOT for a growing baby! And I have SO been there with the hatred of the doctor's office visits. I have a meltdown at every.single.visit where I am literally a crying puddle of fail-goo wrangling a sweaty, naked toddler. I have informed my husband that I will no longer go to J's appointments alone.
((hugs)) to you!
I hope the readers of this blog realize that sugar-coating all of their responses of 'you are amazing! An inspiration! You're doing awesome!' Is doing nothing to help Blair in her battle. Every time she faces a challenge, instead of dealing with it she runs on here to get validation from a bunch of e-strangers that writing about her running away is inspirational.
You all always say 'if I could reach through the screen and give a hug I would' well you know what? I would too. But it would be to hug Nate and tell him what an amazing man, husband, and father he is. It would be to hug H who has shown what incredible strength someone so young can have. It would be to hug Mama Blair who is most likely reading all of this wondering where she failed as a parent. Mama Blair: you have done nothing wrong.
You have this 'STOP' method that while it made for a good picture it is a joke. Instead of vlogging about saying 'STOP' why don't you implement an 'I CAN DO THIS' method.
I can do this.
I can stand here for 10 minutes so that my beautiful son who is merely scared of the strangers around him and hurt from the shots knows he's not alone.
I can stand next to Nate holding his hand while he deals with Harrison's cries to let him know that even though this is hard I am committed to getting better for our family's sake.
I can walk away from the computer and walk outside, take a deep breath, and thank the sun/moon/stars above that I have a wonderful life while there are so many in this world who have nothing.
I CAN DO THIS
For the sake of my husband, child, family, and friends.
I CAN DO THIS
For me.
This shows absolute ignorance, LL.
To PPD, to panic attacks, to how any of this works. STOP works on obsessions & thoughts. STOP does not work on a full-blown panic attack that is seizing my entire body. Obsessions & thoughts = mental. Panic attack = physical. Two completely different aspects with completely different treatments.
& why on earth would The Momma feel like she failed? That makes zero sense.
You know, when I read that last part about the 3 appts I actually thought, "Hmm…sounds like progress!"
Embrace progress…no matter how big or small it is
I ask this as someone who is genuinely curious and admits to having zero knowledge of how the pharmacology involved with your treatment works: how is it that after a few months of being on serious meds (presumably enough time for therapeutic concentrations of them to build up in your system), you still have an intense reaction like running out of the room, closing your eyes and putting your hands over your ears, becoming angry with a nurse who was concerned about you, and having a panic attack? Does that mean they aren't doing anything for you? Shouldn't they keep you from having such violent reactions to H screaming? I feel like after that much time I'd be wanting to switch to something else. Or are they still playing with your dosages?
Also, does H's ped know about your PPD, or is he/she like "Um, WTF?" when you run out of the room/sit unresponsive in the corner? Do you find yourself telling people you wouldn't normall tell so you don't have to explain yourself after an episode?
Ashley it takes a LONG time, unfortunately. We're looking at mid-summer before I can come down on the sedatives, in hopes that by then, the high dosage of anti-depressants + therapy will be curbing the anxiety. You have to slowly build up the anti-depressant, which can take WEEKS. I go up by 10mg every week to my "therapeutic level" (which I'm now at) but then it can take 4-6 weeks for that therapeutic level to start working. So if you're looking at 8 weeks to built, then another month or two to stabilize, you're looking at 4 months before the meds are really doing much for you.
I wish it was a quick fix, but most PPD patients are in it for a rough go for at least 6 months (& I'm roughly 3 1/2 months into this).
The pediatrician knows, absolutely. He patted my arm & reminded me that it's hard on everyone, which was nice.
*normally
I have panic disorder, and you can't just tell yourself, "I can do this"…when it's full on panic it's so physical that you can't even move. LL is an idiot.
LL,
You make a bold assumption. Just because Blair removed herself from a room with a crying baby does not mean that she doesn't give herself mental pep talks on a daily basis. I distinctly recall watching my 4 week old baby get an IV in the ER. She screamed, they attempted 4 times to find her tiny veins, poking her repeatedly, the screaming was relentless. I removed myself from the room. The screams were heartwrenching and I couldn't deal. I cried on my knees in the hallway. That does not mean that I run from everything in my life. Your speculation is absurd.
Blair: I find your experience (at least the crying part) to be normal, and proof positive that you love that little boy more than you ever thought possible.
Uggh. I am sending you an email to rant about these ignorant people. Hugs Mama!
Wow, I never knew it was such a long/delicate process!!!! That sucks (understatement of the year but I can't think of a better way to say it – ha). I'm sorry! Hang in there!! Also, it's great you have an awesome ped. Mine is very old-school and stern, and has ZERO sympathy for any type of parental sadness during shots, which is tough even for a non-PPD-having momma!
@Katie, in the true sense of the word I was definitely ignorant (which means lacking knowledge) about the meds. But I hope you aren't talking about me in the "that's ig'nant!" way so many people use it (to mean rude or whatever) because I really wasn't trying to be.
Meghan, I think that is a smiley face. For about 30 seconds, I was convinced something was on my computer screen and tried to get it off.
When my oldest had to have a catheter, the nurses all told me I didn't have to be in the room. They ALL said, "It's fine if you can't be there, a lot of people can't."
Was I there in that room with her? Yep. Thanks to the assistance of my friends Xanax 1 and Xanax 2. Luckily, we were on a wait and see if she peed on her own watch (she didn't…she's stubborn like that) and I had time to cope with what was going to happen and let my Xanax kick in. I was there for the procedure and sang to her and held her hands and she was amazing. The nurses not only praised her, but they commended ME for being there, as well because, just like they told me, they've had MANY parents not be able to tolerate watching their kids be catheterized. Apparently, it's NOT so abnormal to be a mess in a doctor's office because the nurses were ready to do the procedure without me there.
Then, about 10hrs after my stellar performance at urgent care (midnight), I was hopping in my car to get the hell away from my squealing 11mo old and my 23mo old who never sleeps because I could not take the noise anymore. I handled the cath, but not the crying. Why? Who knows. It was midnight, I had about an hour of sleep, a trip to urgent care, watched my kid rock a catheter, and I was pretty much friggin done.
Perhaps the shots were B's "done" point.
Oh you are fine. J had jaundice as a baby and I cried so hard everytime the nurse checked his bili rubin levels that they asked me to stop coming and to send Husband. Seriously. They made me stop coming to the doctor. I cried so hard that I made the nurse cry.
Ashley, I meant ignorance as in "lacking knowledge". It just irks me sometimes that people comment on blogs, when they literally do not know what they are talking about.
I like Blair, I really do. Most things, I get. But I do agree with LL on this. I don't pretend to understand PPD, because I have been blessed to not have to deal with it but it just seems like there comes a time when you just have to just DO it. Please do not attack me, I am not ignorant and am not some random jerk. I just think that there are going to be many, many times where we as parents just have to grit our teeth and DO IT because we have to be there for our babies.
Katy, I really, really like you too
So this isn't an attack.
I WISH it was as easy as adopting the Nike swoosh & "just doing it" because that's what a parent does. I WISH. But when you literally cannot breathe, are paralyzed, heart flooding in your ears & you know that you're becoming dangerous, you leave the room. You don't push through it. Which is why my husband or mother come with me to the appointments – as back-up in case I can't do it. Since preventing it cannot always occur, we just make sure that we don't put me in a situation that is completely out-of-control with no escape.
idk Katie; I tend to ONLY comment on blogs when I don't know what I'm talking about – to ask questions and learn more. Thanks to my comment/question and BA's subsequent explanation, now I know not to assume that people who take anxiety/depression meds will instantly become better (or even become better after a few months). I will now be more sensitive to people I know who are going through something like this. Knowledge is power (cue that little shooting star graphic – ha!).
Ashley, I used to have that graphic on my computer! ::dies laughing::
Hahahaha I love it!!!
And since I rarely comment on the posts I don't have questions on/the "happy" posts, I have to say: you're strong and funny and fabulous. H is one of the cutest babies I've ever seen. And I have adored this blog since Harpie days. I may or may not check it like 40 times a day. No amount of giveaways will change that.
I have a hard time holding my son down for shots, too. I usually end up crying along with him, feeling like I'm a horrible mom for allowing someone to hurt him. I don't have PPD, and I barely make it through those appointments. Congratulations on being strong enough to make it as long as you did.
When you mention sedatives, what do you mean? Are you talking about a benzodiapezine like Xanax, Ativan or Klonopin? I know you mentioned you are taking Celexa (which is an SSRI), but I am having trouble understanding why you are still experiencing such extreme distress. Yes, it make take the SSRI several weeks to titrate in your bloodstream, but the benzo(s) should work immediately. Like, within 30-60 minutes.
Honestly, either you are way over dramatizing or you really need to consider in-patient/intensive outpatient therapy…I'm not trying to be mean, but if being around your child is causing such panic at this stage in the game, I would speak with your doctor about new/different tx options. You've been going through this for over three months. You should be seeing considerable relief by now. Best to you.
Sarah, you're just a biotch. nuff said.
LL, you're just judgemental and plain ol' mean. Yes, you do make SOME good points. People do need to make a plan to say I CAN DO IT. You're right, we can't just say STOP, we have to DO.
But isn't that what Blair is doing?? If she just had the attitude of STOP, she would quit working, stop swimming with her kid, stopping blogging (which is therapeutic), stop investing in being a good wife, and would basically just curl up in a ball and do nothing. Or worse, she would STOP her own life by taking it, which unfortunately is what many people do. They simply STOP existing.
But instead, I think she is the epitome of the attitude of "I CAN DO IT". She's going to therapy, taking meds, eating better, forcing her self to get outside, swimming with her son, spending time with her husband, and writing on here in hopes of helping other women like herself.
I see nothing about Blair that suggests she is STOPPING instead of DOING.
Can I get an amen?
Shots days are the WORST, is all I can say. I am having a much milder PPD which thankfully is starting its upswing, but I can barely contain it on shots day. I brought my mom once. I told hubby he's doing it from now on.
I think we're all doing the best we can with what we've got, right?
You know I love you, Blair, but I have to agree with Psychiatrist on this one. Not about over-dramatizing. I believe that you truly are feeling these things.
I will be the first to admit, I know nothing about PPD, but it seems like it shouldn't take 6 months of being on that heavy of medication to finally get some relief.
Have you asked your doctor why he/she thinks it should take that long?
Yes, LL- you are an IDIOT.
I suffer from anxiety and have panic attacks. You can not just say " I CAN DO THIS. "
If you could, I wouldn't have had to set my crying baby in his swing for 15 minutes while my sister drove over to my house to help me out of the attack. It's as much mental as it is physical & you are ignorant.
I've said it before, I'll say it again: thanks for putting this out there.
That said, a doctor once kicked me out of an appt. because while he was trying to "comfort" me, I was trying to get information. He thought I was being ridiculous.
So sometimes? Medical professionals can be jerks too. Happens to all of us at some point.
LL,
For someone who is fighting PPD/PPA, talking about feelings and experiences isn't venting for validation, it's a lifeline. It's about putting it out there so that you can get some distance from the feelings and realize that you are not your depression/anxiety. Keeping it in and pretending everything's okay when it isn't is counterproductive.
I agree with Ashley – using all her tools like "STOP" and bringing support with her to the doctors office is definately "CAN DO."
I also agree that each appt you described, Blair, it sounds like you are making progress. I'm sorry you had such a bad time at this appt.
I'm curious to know more about removing yourself from the situation when you feel like you're becoming violent. Is it feeling violent toward yourself? I know you have mentioned that is something that's happened to you but you're not ready to talk about it publicly. I had an incident the other day where I was eating lunch and DH misinterpreted something I said and got mad at me. I felt myself going into that downward spiral and had to run outside because there was a pair of scissors next to me on my left and a knife on my right. If you have a chance and feel comfortable discussing it one on one, could you email me sometime? TIA!