One of my greatest resources & comforts over the past few months has been Katherine from Postpartum Progress. She has been wonderful support, full of grace, & I’m thankful to soon contribute to a project to raise awareness. That being said, today she posted this on her site:
Shelley Burdine-Prevost, a researcher in Tennessee with a clinical specialty in PPD, has asked me to invite my readers to participate in a survey on postpartum adjustment and variables related to a positive transition to motherhood. She wants to learn what helps some women make this adjustment better than others. In order to participate, your baby must have been born in the last 12 months.
I took the quiz.
I cried the entire time.
1. I had trouble sleeping even when my baby was asleep.
ABSOLUTELY. I could not nap when he napped. I figured that was normal, especially of Type-A’s that never shut up. What caught me by surprise was the slow build to not being able to go to sleep at night. & stay asleep.
2. I got anxious over even the littlest things that concerned my baby.
Not at all. In the beginning, I was the calmest mother you had ever seen. Until the screaming began & I became mildly hysterical for a few weeks. & then…I dulled. Until I didn’t care. I was numb. If he screamed, I just stared at him. Because I had no idea what to do & I knew nothing I could try would work.
3. I felt like my emotions were on a roller coaster.
Strongly agree. I still do. It’s how one day, I can be oozing over an iPod Cozy, offer it up for a giveaway, while simultaneously balancing clients, makign dinner, & learning to sew all in one day. That’s the “old” Blair. Then sometimes, “PPD Blair” rears her ugly head & I’m sobbing under the covers, begging to be admitted, knowing I don’t even have the will to exist. It’s probably why some people who read my blog think I’m a “train wreck” that is never consistant. THAT’S WHAT MY LIFE FEELS LIKE.
4. I felt like I was losing my mind.
So many times I put my hands on my head & squeezed. Right on my temples. Trying to make my thoughts stop. Trying to make my brain stop. I thought I was going insane – manic in emotions, actions, moods. Snapping at my husband, screaming at the dog, losing my shit on the mailman. I would walk into work silently chanting, “Don’t scream, don’t scream, don’t scream” & everytime someone said “Good morning!” to me, it was all I could do to not run screaming. Some days still feel like that. I WAS GOING CRAZY.
5. I was afraid I would never be my normal self again.
Well, duh. Every new mother feels that. I was afraid my vagina would never heal, I’d never see my weight under 200, & I would smell like vomit the rest of my life. “What’s that intoxicating scent you are wearing?” Nate will ask me over dinner at the retirement community. “Oh, baby puke!” I will answer with a wave of my brittle hand.
Those worries past. The physical Blair came back. The mental Blair LEFT THE FUCKING BUILDING. (Sorry, Momma) & I am still terrified that I will never feel stable again. I am afraid I will be on anti-depressants the rest of my life. I’m afraid. & so I go with a veangence, trying to “re-claim” Blair & create a new, better version that can sew & read the Bible & do all these amazing things on the outside, even if mental Blair has LEFT THE FUCKING BUILDING for all eternity.
6. I felt like I was not the mother I wanted to be.
This is where I started sobbing. I couldn’t breathe. No. I am not the mother I want to be, even though now Harrison is the baby every dreams of having. I do not deserve him. STOP. STOP, Blair. STOP.
7. I have thought that death seemed like the only way out of this living nightmare.
Not suicide. Just simply not existing. Some moments, I want to stop existing. Those moments when PPD Blair is in full force, I want to be Sleeping Beauty. Not exist during the battle, the darkness. & wake up myself again in a few months.
8. I lost my appetite.
I’ve lost over 33lbs. I think that speaks for itself.
9. I felt really overwhelmed.
Yes. & no. Some days, my emotions of being overwhelmed paralize me & I can barely find my way to my desk at work. Other days, I am a MACHINE. Kicking tails, taking names, completing everything on my to-do list & then pinning on my SuperMom cape with 5 minutes to spare. I refer you back to #3 and #4.
10. I was scared I would never be happy again.
Terrified.
11. I could not concentrate on anything.
Or, I was concentrating on EVERYTHING until I was on scensory overload. Again, polar opposites.
12. I felt as though I had become a stranger to myself.
Y’all know how you miss the “old Blair?” I do, too. I miss her. I miss her sarcasm & finding joy & hilarity in the tiniest details of life. I miss her wit & spark & ability to feel EVERYTHING, when some days, I sit completely numb. Unmotivated. Angry. Jealous. Everything I have never been. Who is this new person?? & if she’s here forever, do I learn to live with her or do I hate myself the rest of my life? Again, I am afraid.
13. I felt like so many mothers were better than me.
They stay home. They go to work. They handle sick babies. They don’t feel numb to their child’s cries. They don’t crawl into the shower 3 times per day. They feed their child at night. They eat & keep house & make dinner. They go through EVERYTHING on the surface that I’ve gone through, but made it out still intact. & I didn’t. & I don’t know why.
14. I started thinking that I would be better off dead.
No. My “passive death wish” was not about me, as I’ve described in earlier posts. I wish I wanted myself dead sometimes.
15. I woke up in the middle of the night & had trouble getting back to sleep.
Blair, meet sleep aides. You’ll be enjoying each other for at least six months to stop ritualistic 3am bedchecks & curb exhaustion. Please send your psychiatrist a plate of cookies at Christmas in thanks.
16. I felt like I was jumping out of my skin.
Exploding was more like it. Manic energy. MANIC. It’s how last weekend, I planted a garden, learned to sew, painted a room in my house, took care of a baby, cleaned my house, & managed a blog. In 48 hours. It’s why my knee never stops shaking, especially in stressful situations. This is an aspect of Postpartum Anxiety. We’re trying to simmer me down. In fact, my assignment this week is to get a massage. Nice, right? A doctor-ordered massage? I WOULD RATHER GET MY TEETH PULLED. The idea of being still & quiet & alone with my thoughts for an hour terrifies me. If you see a tall girl running screaming from a massage parlor with crazy eyes & a skimpy towel, please pick me up & take me to my doctor. Or mother. kthanx.
17. I cried a lot for no reason.
No. Not at all. I never cried. Which is why The Momma was so shocked when I told her, very calmly one morning at the kitchen table, that I had PPD. I told her so calmly, so monotone. I might as well have told her we were having chicken for dinner. There had been no crying fits, no sobs of “I can’t do this!”
a few redundant questions…
21. I wanted to hurt myself.
Yes. One day, I will tell you about this. If you are going through this now & need someone to just listen, email me.
more redundancy…
23. I felt all alone.
& I focused on it. Obsessively. How I was the ONLY one of my friends that went back to work full time, with no adjusted “mommy hours.” How I was the only one not at play group. I was the only one at lunch without my baby. I was the only one with PPD. That’s why this blog is medicine – it reminds me that I’m NOT ALONE.
24. I have been very irritable.
Explosive quivering underneath the facade of calm. Sometimes it shows, on here & in real life.
25. I had a difficult time even making a simple decision.
A simple question of “What do you want for lunch?” had the potential of sending me into a downard spiral, so guilty that I was so frozen I didn’t even have the will to decide. On the other hand, some days I was so impulsive that I could not reign myself in. It’s why our dining room is now blue & why I was putting together a bookshelf at 11pm on a Tuesday night.
26. I felt like I was not normal.
The whole idea that I’m not going through anything different or special…but I just can’t cope. As my doctor says – common? yes. normal? no.
27. I felt like I had to had what I was thinking or feeling towards the baby.
Yes. & even now. If I have a good day where I’m sunshine & rainbows towards him, I’m “fake.” If I have a bad day, I’m a baby-hater that uses my child for attention. Throw in the constant fear that people will automatically label me as a baby-killer & BAM! you’ve got me clamming up, putting on a smile, & throwing a birthday party complete with homemade cheddar dill scones. There has been no way to defend myself, describe, or make you understand how manic my days & moods can feel.
28. I knew I should eat, but could not.
Blair, meet Carnation Instant Breakfast.
29. I felt like my baby would be better off without me.
I googled adoption agencies & that was my final low-blow before calling the OB. So I think we can easily say “yes” on this one.
blah blah blah
32. I felt like I was not real.
Numb. Plastic. Crazy. I still feel this way.
Now…do you get it? Do you understand it a little more – the manic attitude? It’s classic symptoms. How one day, I’m farting rainbows & the next day, I want to throw my life & everything out the window.
It confuses me, too.
You’ve seen me on video being silly. Laughing, making faces, giggling with Harrison & Nate. Those are good moments.
But there are bad ones, too. They’re just not as fun to watch. When I don’t know what to do, where to go, & there’s nowhere I can go. So I talk. & nobody’s there to listen. & looking back, I don’t even know why I recorded it, except maybe as a scream for help in the moment.
You forgot this:
So kindly FUCK OFF with your bitching about this blog not being as sappy/happy/funny/witty as it used to be.
(Sorry to The Momma.)
I like you. Even when you don't.
(Not like you like you though. That would be weird.)
Thank you for sharing this. And thank you for your honesty. This is my first time to comment on your blog, but I remeber you from the bump when you lost Harpie and I wanted you to know that even when it feels like there is no one to listen…you are speaking to so many people! Keep your chin up and ROCK ON!
::hugs:: For the good days and the really, really crappy ones – hugs all around.
i just love you. i had some VERY dark moments when my baby was 0-4months old where i thought to myself THANK GOD i'm going back to work so that someone qualified (my mom) can raise her. and then i'd feel so guilty that i'd be crushed. how could i not want to raise my own daughter?!? looking back, maybe i had some sort of PPD that has righted itself…or maybe i am just able to manage now, which has given me enough confidence to feel qualified to be her mother. either way, your words help me work through my thoughts on a daily basis, and if i lived near you i'd be at your door begging for you as a friend (even though you throat-punched me once on thebump…hahaha). if this blog is your medicine, please know that you're also providing medicine to some of us who aren't as honest within ourselves with our feelings. when my baby was younger, i remember everyone saying "isn't this just THE BEST?!?" and i would agree, but in my mind i was like "are you effing kidding me?!?". as my daughter gets older (she's 10 mos now) things are much easier for me to deal with, and i feel like i'm much more capable to be responsible for her.
again, thank you. i went over to take the quiz and it was closed, but i'm curious as to how i would've responded. have a fantastic weekend!
Pamela, I'm so sorry for the ::throat punch:: (although the term throat-punch still makes me giggle). I was a raging snatch back in those days for no reason. ugh.
But I so get that – the "Isn't this just THE BEST?" HELL NO. I want to eat out my heart with spoon!
I've never commented before but I've been reading your blog since last year. While watching your video; If I could have reached through and held your hand I would have. Don't think that I pity you; I just feel like I have an understanding because I have the same types of feelings. And you are right- tomorrow or later today will be a better day. Sometimes I just have to take it moment by moment-knowing that the next moment will be better than this one. You are not alone. (I'm telling myself that as well) Thanks.
Your bravery is gorgeous. I would have never had the balls to record any of my horrible moments. You are wonderful for sharing.
sweet, sweet girl. i pray for you every day.
:::BIG HUGS::: Through your strength you have the ability to help so many other realize they are not alone.
You're a great gal. You're a great Mom. You've got guts to share stuff like this. Hugs to you
It takes courage and strength to open up and expose vulnerability. You're educating a lot of people on PPD, and really, any kind of depression.
P.S. RE: any negative comments/emails/tweets (seriously, who ARE those people?!), I saw this and thought of you: "7 Great Principles for Dealing with Haters"
http://mashable.com/2010/04/29/deal-with-haters-t…
I've had those nights too… except for I was blubbering so hard I couldn't speak. Sucks. I am hear for you gal – if you ever need to talk! Email me or I follow youon twitter.
Thank you for sharing & raising awareness! I am bipolor and have felt like you are feeling now since my earliest memories… I acutally told my parents that I wanted to die at age 5. I dont wish mental illness upon anyone and especially not you. But watching you fight through gives me courage on days where I dont want to fight my fight any longer. You are a good mother because you are fighting to get well and you will be a good mother, better than you ever dreamed, when you come out of this on the other side.
Wow Blair. Thank you for sharing this. I know you may be going through so many struggles internally and it's easy to hide them from people who don't truly know you. I've been depressed (but not ppd) and it is a miserable place to be. I'm so glad you are making progress, and this, my dear, is progress.
You, my friend, are amazing.
As I told you in another comment…this video is so raw and real…its hard to watch. Bravo to you for shedding light!
I have no words for you… Just thought you should know that my heart is sad for your pain. Sometimes, when I am having a hard time… I don't want to hear the "It's all going to be better soon"… "You'll pull through"… The awesome attempts from awesome people that are just trying to help. Sometimes, those comments just make me feel that it's easy for them to say that because THEY aren't the ones going through it. That is really just me being a snarky bitch – but I can't help how I feel.
So… No words of encouragement… Just a sad kind of comradery… Not in PPD (as I am not yet a mother)… But in depression. I'm pulling for you!
I am going to be honest and say I don't understand PPD. I've been fortunate enough not to have experienced it, and I don't think it is anything you can truly understand unless you have experienced it. But your posts have really opened up my eyes to it and for that I thank you. I have more of an understanding now of it and a lot more empathy for those going through it, and I think I speak for many people when I say that.
By putting yourself out there, I truly believe you are helping some PPD momma's reach out for help when they might not have. I would even go so far as to say that you may be saving some babies from harm by momma's who take that step towards help before doing something dangerous.
So as hard as it is, ignore the haters because it seems as though you are doing a whole lot more good than not, both for yourself and others. It's your blog, and if it's your therapy, then that's all that matters.
You're awesome and had ladyballs the size of Texas for being so open about your PPD. I haven't watched the video yet b/c my husband is watching The King of Queens at a volume that might make one think he had hearing problems, but I will watch it later when he goes off to work. *big hugs*
I should take the test and, yes, yes, yes to all of it.
Especially the part about dying. No, I'm not going to kill myself. But, I have begged God to take me. I have sat and cried and wished that I would just fall asleep and not wake up. The difference is huge. I wouldn't consider myself "suicidal". I DID have the idea of leaping into the Atlantic Ocean Wednesday (I wrote about this on my blog). I didn't do it. Obviously. But, as I stood there….on a cliff overlooking an angry ocean in 37 degree temps and pouring rain, I screamed into the roar of the waves – Jesus, just TAKE ME because I have had ENOUGH!!!
I doubt my abilities as a mother because I don't have enough hands. Or eyes. I can't change my 11mo old's diaper and prevent my 23mo old from falling off a chair that I removed her from 10x times before during the day. She fell. There was blood everywhere. She was fine (mouth injuries are FAR worse than they look…..so, take note of that, new mommies), but I was a disaster. I found myself rocking back and forth and pulling clumps of hair out of my head. My hair bothered me. I wanted it gone. I went into more detail on my blog, so I won't pester you with it in a comment. Just….I get it. I really, really get it from the wanting to sleep forever to the jumping out of your own skin.
I haven't even looked at the comments on my recent blog post because, right now, I'm not in a mood where I can deal with the inevitable "you're a horrible mother and your kids are better off without you" comments. Most times I don't give a shit. Right now, I don't want to see it.
I admire you and your no comment moderation (and, if you get a chance to post more blog tips, can you talk about how you prevent SPAM comments?).
I'm going to take this test and add my comments to it and, maybe, print it out and take it with me to therapy and, maybe, show the people in my life who don't understand.
Thank you, B, and PostPartum Progress and their people on Twitter.
Blair,
I read through your quiz and sobbed. I honestly felt like I could have written all of your responses, practically word-for-word. Especially the part about your mom not knowing and being mystified by the news. I funtioned fairly well in front of everyone except my husband and baby. That part still really scares me sometimes, and it was why it took me so long to ask for help.
I am still on my PPD journey – I've been off meds for several months now and slowly I'm learning how to move on and get past the aftermath PPD left in my life, my family, and my marriage. Each day gets better, but even though I know better, sometimes I still feel like the only person who can understand what it was like to be me for that first year of my daughter's life. I wish I could say that I don't ever look back with anger and saddness, but I still feel robbed of that time with E. And reading your quiz, I guess it just brought all that back.
You said that this blog is your medicine b/c it helps you see you are not alone. You have to know that it's therapy for a lot of us out here, too. Getting help for PPD, seeking treatment, is hard (that is an understatement, but I can't come up with the right word). I don't think most people realize that. It takes a leap of faith and great courage to face PPD head on. I see that courage in both your positive, happy posts and your more serious ones, too.
Keep kicking PPD's ass. We're all rooting for you.
Thank you for sharing with us.
::HUGS::
It's confusing, yet it totally makes sense. At least to me. I have been dealing with the same thing and I understand how you can go from being so great to deep down in the darkness. I hate that I understand every word of your post but at the same time, I feel comfort knowing I'm not alone in my "craziness" as I like to put it.
About your vlog, I have done that too many nights. I will do really good putting J to bed then one night, bam, his cries hit me like at on of bricks and I can't handle it. I don't know what happens it is like a switch goes off that says run and I need to get out.
Anyways, I'm glad you are sharing these feelings on your blog. It really hits home to me and I understand and feel for you. Just stay strong, and your right, tomorrow will be better. **big hugs**
keep hanging in there! you will get through it…you will overcome it!
thank you for being so honest and real with us
Coming from a momma who is going through the same thing… I completely understand how you feel. It will get better I promise you that! Thank you for being so open and honest about this. It will help many women out there struggling with this bitch called postpartum depression.
Hug Kimberly
I just want to crawl through the computer and give you a big old snuggle and then drink some wine with our sedatives and have a good cry. You are so freakin brave for showing this side of it. You are helping SO many people. When all the haters get you down, remember that, you are helping!
Big Hugs. Wish I'd known you when I had infants, because I'd have gotten my bum to the doc a whole lot faster. Your honesty is an inspiration, as I've said. If I'd taken that quiz, read more about PPD after my kids were born, maybe I could have avoided in patient. I fear I'll be on antidepressents for the rest of my life, too. But I take them like my life depends on them, because it does. Someday soon I'll start talking about my journey w/ PPD and depression over on my blog. I'm working up the courage, and you're helping. Thanks.
Keep at it, hon. Depression/anxiety sucks (whatever the cause) and this is a particularly nasty breed. You are brave, though, and you will be okay.
I couldn't watch the whole video. I got about halfway through and then shut it off. I'm sorry. It was just too much like watching me.
I understand the crash. It's happened to me so. many. times. I'm doing great and then whammo, I feel completely decimated. It's so hard to pick up the pieces each time, but it's necessary. And you're doing it. I'm proud of you.
YOU.ARE.BEAUTIFUL.
Oh, sweet girl… I wish I could just give you a big old hug… When your voice started to break and you were talking about not being able to change your own life..well, I started to cry with you.
I've had my own journey with PPD and regular anxiety. When I had my darling son, I had a spinal headache in the hospital. Horrific pain, which they misdiagnosed as ppd and sent me home with a newborn, a script for zoloft, and orders to drink as much caffienated soda as possible. And then nurse my newborn. Who then never slept.. Yeah, it was my own personal version of hell. Thanks to a spinal patch, and a great therapist I got through. The past few years we've had three pregnancy losses. But again, with the help of an amazing grief counselor, I'm getting through.. And I can't promise you much.. but I can promise you that you will be okay. Things will be okay. Your good days will start to outnumber the bad, and the bad won't seem as much of a "failure" as they will just a bad day. And hey, everyone has them.
The group I go to is specific to PPD. They are amazing. http://www.postpartumstress.com
The woman who created the group is especially amazing. Karen has written a few books on PPD and I'd love to be able to send them to you. One is especially for husbands, which is helpful. And one is for when you are considering having another baby… That one especially helped.
In the meantime, keep your chin up dear. You are doing the very best job you can and it's enough. You're enough. I promise.
B –
I took that test as well today and I too found myself swallowing tears. I couldn't believe how just reading those questions spoke to me about how I felt. It's almost a relief to feel like those questions weren't just meant for me – others felt those same things! You are brave to share your answers. Thanks for sharing that video too. I told my husband what you said about 2 steps forward and 1 step back – he has a hard time when I have a few good days and then a bad one. He sees me "better" and hates to see me fall back a bit. It's helpful to know that is very normal for a while.
I just wish I could grab you through the screen and give you a hug. then pray with you. I know everyone thanks you for being so courageous for posting, and I don't mean to be redundant, but THANK YOU. and if you'd like, I would like to pray with/ for you. You are just…so wonderful.
and on a completely different note, when you called him doug- I had to stop for a second and go…who? haha <3
Blair,
I cried reading your quiz results. I could have had the same exact responses. Thank you so much for being so open and honest about your ppd. It's really nice to know that someone out there has gone through the same thing.
I can't watch that. I feel like I shouldn't be watching that. I feel like I'm invading your privacy even if you don't feel that way.
Thank you for this. My BF and I often argue because he wants me to make a decision, and why do we argue about what’s for lunch. And, I can’t explain to him why making this decision about what to eat seems so fricking life-ending to me.
You are still my favorite. I'm on a nice combo of anti-depressants by day, sleep aids by night. I'm getting better. The sleep is helping a lot. I am so happy you are getting the support you need. My son just turned 1. Tomorrow is his blessing and his party and I'm just trying to keep my shit together. Anxiety doesn't begin to describe it.
F the haters.
Thank you for sharing your struggle. I think there are times when all moms feel like this, and there are times when we need help to get through it. There is such a bad stigma, and everyone is afraid of it – but shouldn't be. I think you are definitely helping others by putting yourself out there.
Keep your head up! You are doing awesome – and don't forget it!
It takes more than honesty and courage to put all of this out on the internet. It takes strength. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel but I have no doubt that you are strong enough to make it through this.
A blog is a reflection of who we are at a moment in time. This is who you are now, it is not who you will forever be. PPD does not define you. I don't know anything about you but this blog and I know that you are so much more than PPD. Anyone who doesn't understand that, who can't see it, is not worth a second thought.
I want to hug you right now.
Blair/Beth Ann,
You ARE amazing. You CAN do this. You ARE a great momma. You ARE inspirational.
::a million hugs to you::
I hope tomorrow is better.
I love you.
That is all.
I have to admit that I can't even bring myself to watch the video at this point. Because I have been down the PPD road, currently still surviving my 3rd time. And I just don't think I can watch it right now. Hugs to you and thank you for being willing to bring this out into the open. I am open about it with others also because I believe that's one way to battle it. If just one woman hears my story and understands she is not alone and there is no shame in admitting she needs help, then that is a HUGE accomplishment to me!
I went through a terrible bout with PPD after my DD#1 and I'm still going through depression after the birth of DD#2. Even though she's 2 and a half. I have my good days and I have my bad days, but I have never gone for professional half. I'm really just trying to do what I have to do on my own. It's not easy, I struggle every day with having enough energy to get up and deal with the day to day drama, I lose my temper easy and need to just go in my room and isolate sometimes, I'm sure if I actually got some help it would be easier, but I just don't have the time nor money for that. I also don't like to admit to my family what I am going through. Even though I know they know it from my actions. I just feel like if I say anything to them, I would be judged.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free. I am always having good days and bad days. It might be good to have someone to talk to.
http://theartsymom.tk
"some days you just have to get yourself to tomorrow"
You are so brave to post this. I really respect how honest you are, and I know you are def. helping other moms with PPD.
Blair, I am positive that I went through this with my sweet miss O from birth until about 6 months or so. We still struggle daily with severe reflux, and I swear she had "colic" until just last week. PPD just SOUNDS so scary, to think that me, a brand new mom, who should be enjoying the "happiest moments of my life" could actually be depressed and sad, its almost like we push the word depression out of our vocab for the fear that it will make us sound ungrateful (lets say, like to a friend who may be struggling with infertility and would give anything to be able to deliver a child). I am SO glad that I have your blog to refer people to that may be struggling with those same things
I wanted to jump through the screen and hug you and make you know that you will be you again. It pains me to see you exactly where I was. I couldnt look at my child without a full on panic attack where I thought I had gone insane. 6 months PP I am me 99% of the time now. (I got help right away because I tried to check myself into the psych ward) I can hardly believe I was taking several mg of xanax a day just to stay alive… its like a nightmare far away. I tell anyone who cares about my battle because I wish someone had for me. Be proud of yourself.
No PPD here, 'just' PTSD. But if it's anything like I felt like, for a long time, it's shite beyond words. Yet you still get words out. Good for you, and God knows how many other women out there. And that's why you're a star. A shining star in a world of mommy blogger fakeness. Shining brightly even in this lil corner of the world
Hugs.
Thank you for posting this. So many of your words hit home for me. And while I have "recovered" from my sever PP Anxiety, I occasionally have it creep back in. Those thoughts are always in the back of my head, especially as we think about TTC #2. I think feeling like you will never be "yourself" again was the worst, but you will. You're doing great, and raising awareness. I love the Postpartum Progress site too, unfortunately I didn't find it until after I was hospitalized and healing.
Keep up the great work.
Oh, Sweetie. I don't know that I can say anything that hasn't been said. And I don't know that I can even say anything that will help you. But, please know that there are complete strangers out here on the interwebs that are rooting for you, praying for you, and wishing there was more that we could do to help you. You are a strong woman for talking about this. You are a WONDERFUL mother. And I'm betting that if I knew you in real life, we would be besties and our sons (who are like 2 weeks apart in age) would be buddies. And I would sit there and hold your hand and listen. Since I only know you here, though, I will sit here, and offer you e-hugs, and listen.
You are handling this with a strength and a grace that only a beautiful southern woman like yourself could manage. Keep up the good work.
Psalm 91 my darling. He will carry you through!
((HUGS))
You know what? I stay at home (for now). I have lunch with DD. I have mommy friends and clean my house and see all the milestones.
And I still have some of these thoughts. It doesn't matter where you are, you can still feel guilty, overwhelmed, and horrible about yourself as a mom, as a person.
You are doing wonderful. It helps so many people to read this.
When I head back to work, your blog is going with me.
first off ::HUGS:: I didn't even get all the way through the blog post or video. I had to stop both half way through. maybe later when I find the courage to finish I will, maybe when I realize that PPD isn't who I am, it's just something I have to learn to control and not let control me, I can finish it. Until then, I'll just pray for you every time I say a prayer for myself. ::HUGS::
why don't ob/gyns give all us new moms POST-NATAL vitamins that include an anti depressant? It seems all moms go through some sort of PPD and less than half of us know it until it's long over with, or get it properly treated/diagnosed.
I'm inventing a post-natal vitamin, with a dash of happy pill in it.. it will be lemon yellow and taste like an apple-tini
I know its all been said..but Thank you for sharing this. I wish I could just give you a hug, because I feel your pain. They are horrible feelings to have and I wish I could take them all away. Keep your head up Blair! Take Care!
I don't know you but I just want to say I heart you! You are an amazing and strong person.
@ bonzer-christina – I'm positive you didn't mean to, but your comment sure seemed to minimize PPD. I agree that there are many untreated cases, but let's work on helping docs and patients recognize symptoms and seek treatment earlier, instead of blanketing all mothers with anti-depressants. Some anti-depressants aren't for nursing mothers, and finding the right med is a journey – it's a balance of side effects, benefits, and dosage. Those of us who take/have taken medication for our depression don't do it casually.
@Blair – I watched your video tonight – couldn't bring myself to watch it yesterday. When you said that people write that you are an inspiration, you sounded like you feel unworthy of that. I wanted to tell you that I admire you because of more than your good days. Because you push through the bad ones, face your PPD with honesty and "ladyballs" like another commenter said. (hillarious) It SUCKS that PPD is a two steps forward, one step back journey…but when you keep taking steps forward even though you know about the backward, you earn my respect.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I wish that I could have read this 8 months ago when I was feeling the same things. Thankfully I am in a different place right now, a better place. I pray that you will be there too someday soon.
yeeeeeeeeeeah. I was in no way diminishing PPD as I'm on my own journey with my own form of it.
My post was more or less to point out that it seems we ALL go through some form of it and it's sad that it's not acknowledged more before you leave the hospital.
But you know, however it's interpreted. That's the internet
Sending you big hugs. You are such a wonderful person.
Blair,
Is your therapist still labeling you with PPD? Mine said PPD should be gone by 6 months after the babe is born and made me feel crazy for still feeling this way. Today was a very very bad day because I took myself off the meds last weeks.
Ugh.
Yes! PPD can occur anytime within the first year of the baby's birth.
I think you are an amazing woman and you need to cut yourself some slack. We always wind up forgetting about that. If I may can I ask how going through PPD has affected your relationship with Nate? I am going through some major depression too but not PPD and at times I struggle and hang on for dear life.
Depression is such a CRAZY thing. I've dealt with it off an on for years. It comes out of no where (for me) and knocks me straight on my ass. I can be having a magnificent day and BAM! All of a sudden I'm yelling at my husband and crying all at once. It's the worse when Milo ( my son ) is having a great day and all I want to do is sit in the corner and repeat "poor me" over and over again.
To which I say FUCK YOU depression & PPD!
<3
i just read your guest post at wanna be balanced mom and came over here to read your blog. then i realized that you are also guest posting for postpartum progress for mother's day, and guess what? i am too! small world.
anyway, your ppd story is a little different from mine (obvi), but i see a lot of myself in what you wrote. it's painful, but real, and that's what we all need to hear–the truth. can't wait to read what you have to say on postpartum progress, and i'll be sticking around to read more of your blog!
This is my first comment on your blog and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being so open about a topic that is often pushed under the rug and ignored. It's thrown in the closet when friends and family come over and as much as you don't want to acknowledge that the "mess" is there in the closet, it is. It lingers and reminds you everytime you open that closet that it's there. You want to keep on hiding it but eventually the closet overflows.
When I read your blog for the first time I finally admitted to myself that I indeed had/have PPD. I denied it for so long as I didn't want to believe something was wrong. After "hearing" you say the things you felt and realizing I felt mostly the same way and that it wasn't something taboo I came clean to myself and those close to me. I finally asked for help. I felt almost like I wasn't "there" anymore and things I used to get excited about didn't excite me anymore. I had this beautiful, charming little boy and I couldn't enjoy him. I now can say that I do and I am starting to feel like myself again.
I feel your pain and would love to give you a hug. It's a hard road to go down. The days do get easier. You'll have your bad days and good. Just know you have a lot of people praying for you and that you are touching a lot of people.
Blair,
One day this will all be over. Completely. You will be you again and this illness will be a memory and you will be forever changed but only in a good way. I promise. Just keep hanging in there and putting one foot in front of the other.
– Katherine
P.S. Emma, your therapist is dead wrong. PPD isn't necessarily over in 6 months. Especially if you haven't been treated or the treatment you've been on isn't working for you. I'd be happy to help you find another doctor/therapist who is more informed.
Blair,
I have struggled with depression since I was 19 years old. I refused to take antidepressants while I was pregnant and pray every day that I can somehow muddle through this disease without them. Every day is a struggle for happiness. We are so blessed but depression makes you see everything so differently that a lot of times it's all we can do to keep our heads above water.
You are such a strong woman for putting yourself out there for other mom's to know they are not alone. You are a fighter and you will get through this.
Thank you for being so open and honest about your every day struggles. While you may not be able to see it, Harrison is such a blessed little boy because he has a mama who is working to make herself the best she can be for him and her entire family.
*hugs*
Kristy
Hey Blair!
I love how honest you are about how you are feeling. I feel like I have some of the same feelings that you talk about. I was wondering if you could tell me more about Post partum anxiety. What are the symptoms of it instead of depression?
Thank you so much!
Brandi
Hey, Brandi! The anxiety – oy. The anxiety was more how I couldn't sleep, would obsessively check on Harrison at night because it was the least I could do when I couldn't do anything else. Also, I had a complete panic attack in the grocery store & would have panic attacks even waiting for my tea to heat up. No real triggers – just a flood of paralyzing panic, rapid heart rate, short breath, clenching feeling on my chest.
I would love to you more about it if you have more questions or want more specific stuff – feel free to email me at blairbear111@gmail.com
Wow. Powerful piece. So much of it resonated with me. I wish I'd have known you when I was in the throes of my post partum adjustment period. Not that I don't still have my moments. PPD morphed into a raging case of PMDD…I may never be off meds again. Nevertheless, it's good to know you now. Thank you for writing this.
It's going to be awkward in that airport in August, when I squeeze your gorgeous face clean off with my over-hugging. People are gonna point and stare.
I love you.
You are so special.
MW
You are working so hard to get better! Your efforts will be rewarded. There will be a moment when you do something that you think an ideal mama wouldn't and you will think, "Next time, I'm gonna respond differently" rather than beating yourself up for it. Where does your incredible courage come from? I am in awe!
If you lived in my town, I would totally come to your house and give you a big hug. I've never commented before, but I found your blog through the Bump and have followed since you were a few weeks' pregnant with Harrison. I knew you suffered a loss with Harpie, but I didn't know the details. I sympathized and felt a connection with you, for some reason. Probably your sarcasm;)
I have PPD/PPA also, but not to the extent that you do. But I did suffer something similar where I had a complete nervous breakdown. I was teaching eighth graders at the time, so you can imagine how much willpower it took to keep from throat-punching teenagers every day.
I remember sitting in my closet one night, trying to decide what to wear to work the next day. I completely broke down. I could not put together one outfit, even though most of my wardrobe consisted of neutrals. My boyfriend at the time (now DH) had to choose my clothing for each day. We taught at the same school and carpooled, so he drove and I slept the whole time. I did not want to exist, and there were times that I thought about swerving my cute little VW Bug into the median divider. The only two things that kept me from this was 1) my Southern Baptist upbringing telling me that I'd go to hell, and 2) I knew it would absolutely kill my mother.
All of this is to say that YOU WILL GET BETTER. I PROMISE. You seem like such an amazing woman, and I admire you for going through this hell while working, being part of a marriage, and taking care of a newborn. I believe in prayer, and I have been praying fiercely for you and will continue to do so. I haven't even watched your video yet, and I'm already practically in tears.
Hang in there. You're worth it, and Harrison deserves to know you. You may not feel exactly like yourself again, but I think you'll feel better. I know I have much more empathy for others now and a stronger faith in God. Much love to you.